SD and college. It hasn't been about being right for a very long time
When I first disengaged and watched everything unfold, it was nice to finally be vindicated. Now dad see's SD for who she really is.
Well, its no longer about that. Once again, SD18 has not followed through with all of her talk (shocking!) and she is not attending college this fall. I'm elated that she does not and will not live with us. She will work 20 hours a week at her part time fast food job and live with BM. The plan WAS:
1. apply to a 4 year school and enter the program that her father picked for her (that's right HE picked her major)
2. go to jr college this fall and live with dad in the state he was relocated to for work
3. Apply to the 4 year college by this november to enter in the spring dad would get her set up in her own apt then we would buy a home for me and SO.
Since she has done nothing so far, I can only expect the same to continue.
I don't want to be right. I don't want SO having to shell out money to her at 22, 25, or 30 because she is irresponsible. She NEEDS to go to college and get some degree, to learn a skill and become independent. SOMETHING. Its so hard to watch and not smack sense into her or her parents. WTF is she going to do with her life???
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I rarely ever hear about SD
I rarely ever hear about SD dating. Either she doesn't want to talk about any of that to her dad and hides info about boys, or she just doesn't date at all. I guess we will see what happens in the future. I know she's into boys, but I think she is very secretive about that part of her life.
I hope your IL's can
I hope your IL's can implement tough love soon! That is crazy she is way too old for all of that.
Why would he have to shell
Why would he have to shell out money to her forever because of her bad choices? That should not even be an option. That's why these kids fail to launch, they are allowed to by their parents.
I agree. SO has a guilt/soft
I agree. SO has a guilt/soft spot sometimes for her. I think he can cut her off, if it were to happen, but I do see him not being consistent sometimes. Also, he makes excuses. I'm the asshole for saying that i figured out how to apply to college with no help, why can't she.
It seems like a no win
It seems like a no win situation. No matter what, it won't make a difference.
It almost sounds like we have
It almost sounds like we have the same SD. Mine had all 4 years of college paid for, and quit after the second semester. She is now on her 6th part time job since high school and has moved in with her boyfriends parents to live there rent free until he graduates college as he wants to be the man and support her. We know her BM and her gram are giving her money but DH finally closed his wallet the day she moved out. We did everything possible to explain what her future would be like without college or technical school past high school but she said it was too hard to go to college so we both (DH and I) have disengaged. We no longer reach out to her, call or text and we no longer ask what she is doing. We pay none of her bills, we give her no money and if the day ever comes that her BF breaks up with her she will have to move over 2 hours away to her BM's house as she is never coming back to our house.
It is a tough pill to swallow that a kid would give up such a promising future because the 4 years in college is too hard. We tried to tell her to go ahead and have 4 hard years because college would make the rest of her life easy but she was having none of that. She'd rather work part time and mooch off her BF's family.
We tried so hard to create a independent, self sufficient young lady and all the while her BF was doing his best to get her to become completely dependent on him. He won. He can have her and support her.
She will have to live with her decisions because Daddy and I are not going to bail her out.
What's bad is that I HOPE for
What's bad is that I HOPE for a man with money to come along for her. I think that's her best option right now.
What is so strange is that
What is so strange is that she will go along and say yes I want to go to school and yes dad, I want to move with you. She will talk about the future plans like its all going along as it should. She agrees to stuff, but then nothing happens. I don't know if she is appeasing him or waiting for people to do all of it for her.
She won't even admit that she just doesn't want to do something. I guess at least yours just admitted she is lazy.
The only bad thing about
The only bad thing about that, that I see if that in about 10-15 years after having 3+ kids, she will say she never got a chance to be a kid and run around and date different men and she will show up on our doorstep with 3+ kids in tow because she left her husband and needs a place to stay. Hopefully by then DH and I will be long gone
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You and me both! OSS just
You and me both! OSS just baaarrely graduated HS with a D minus average--in fact, it seems it was such a farce that the BM used his cap and gown as a scarecrow in their scraggly, unattended garden out back!
He is off having FUN with the family, camping, picnics, amusement parks, festivals, concerts. Works probably a max of eight hours a week.
No intention of sending him to school until he is about to turn 21; then the BM will enroll him in community college to extend CS past age 21 for sure.
Could you get your DH to
Could you get your DH to agree to charge rent with the thought that 1/2 of the rent money would go into a bank account for SS to pay rent and security deposit on his own place? Most rentals require a full months rent and a full months rent as security deposit, meaning the kid will need a huge chunk of change to move out eventually. By presenting it that way to your DH do you think he would see how it would actually be helping his son to charge rent, rather than it being too much?
The intent is always to prep
The intent is always to prep them for life. It seems that it doesn't matter though. We have a whole generation that is growing up without any need to fend for themselves.
No matter what you say or how you say it, it won't happen.
My SO was all about making SD attend college and she doesn't have a choice, I'm going to force it... until he had to do something. Now its "she needs to get on this if she is going to do it."
This is what down right
This is what down right TERRIFIES me about SD16. She is soooo much like your SD... has had everything handed to her on a platinum platter. What mommy won't give her, daddy will and vice versa. Why bother doing a damn thing when you have a life like this???
SD16 turned 16 a month ago. Has done nothing all summer other than ram around, spending money, going to theme parks, movies, parties, shopping etc. If she put as much effort into getting a job as she does spending money, she'd be working right now. But I can see the writing on the wall. Again, why should she bother? When DH gets pissed and says no, SD just runs to her GBM and gets exactly what she wants. I will bet every last dime to my name that she won't have a job even by this time NEXT year. It will be one excuse after another.. oh she just wanted to enjoy her summer, oh she is too busy with school and sports, oh, she broke a fingernail, oh she stubbed her toe..... GAH! It's infuriating and at this rate I see her being 20, still living at home and IF by some miracle she is not, she'll STILL be jammed up DH's butt every 2 days because she needs money for something because the girl has no clue how to budget/work for anything.
DH has finally started to see the light and has truly been trying to crack down on her blowing money and getting handouts, but when she's got MIL, GBM, DH's special auntie all falling over themselves to come to the "rescue" when DH says no, it's a losing battle. I already told DH, if these morons want to keep spoiling her and screwing up any chance of her being a responsible adult, then she can go live with one of THEM when she's 25, has no job, no money etc.