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Been a while. College and SD living with us finally came up. ETA!

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Well... it finally happened and I had to be blunt.

SO asked 3 times before if SD18 could live with us while in college. I said I didn't think it would be a good idea. I said she needs to be away from both of her parents. HE DOESN'T LISTEN.

I truly believe she needs to be on her own. Both parents have overindulged her and haven't guided her the way they needed to to prepare her for life. BM was controlling and he was passive and enabling. Now she needs to get out there and learn about life. Get away from both of their negativity and realize where her place truly is in life. She's no more special or smarter or better than anyone else.

I HOPE THIS CONVERSATION FINALLY SETTLES IT.

DH: Would you mind if SD18 came to live with us while she goes to U of x?
Me: Yes, I do mind. You cannot put two unrelated females in the same house without having problems. She and I will not get along and I will not be put in a situation that causes problems between you and me.
DH: *silence*

I guess maybe he expected me to be wishy washy. I was blunt. I had that practiced for the last 3 years! Waiting for this day.

He's trying to find a career for her and a school. She doesn't know what she wants to do and like any parent, he's worried now about how she will support herself. He wants her to go into dental hygiene school. The problem is no one is thinking about how she will fair. At first it was "easy" because it a two year program. Now there's a program that's a 3 year Bachelors. I looked it up. I have no idea where he got 3 years from, but it clearly states 4 years. It lists each year. Then he says well she could go to this other private university. He's not even thinking about cost. Its double the money at private university. Its like he's winging it as he always has. Could I help? Yes, I could. You know what happens when I do? Everyone is pissy about the reality of my advice. She's not going to do 4 years of college especially with that much science required.

He needs to find something she can learn in a year and she needs to get out there and work. Trade school for administration. Neither of her parents did her any justice and now she's just dependent and bratty.

My old anxiety came back this weekend when all of this happened. I'm sitting here looking at the school requirements. I can't see her doing any of this. Sometimes I think she just goes along with what dad says to make him happy then just makes excuses. I doubt she even tries to move from BMs

ETA:
I think I figured out why he'd want her living with us. He lives in another state. I'm reading the rules about tuition, it seems that in order to get in-state tuition she'd likely have to live with her dad. BUT she will be graduating from high school living with BM, so she'll be coming from another state which qualifies for "out of state" tuition. I'm guessing if you go live with dad (in cases of divorce) you can be considered in state.

Comments

Helena.Handbasket's picture

UGH! I'm so sorry. I just resolved that I couldn't live with her. I don't care if she's changed even. It just can't happen. If they want to live together, fine. I will get my own place or stay in my own (DH is in the middle of relocating).

I would help seriously. I am already talking to SS15 about college. But she gets such an attitude when you tell her what she doesn't want to hear. I could be as polite as pie and it would not matter. Then DH would get mad at me for making her upset. I just won't do it anymore. I learned I need to stay out of it.

They aren't even looking at college application deadlines, he hasn't even had her apply for financial aid. Its ridiculous. Everything is so last minute and on the fly. When I even suggested that she shadow a hygienist to make sure she knew what she was getting into, he just seemed exasperated. Like it didn't matter, this is what is going to happen. I couldn't believe with the coursework that he really thinks this will work.

Sometimes I can't tell if they really DON'T know, or if they DO know but remain in denial.

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

Thank you, ty, ty! Perfect line…just what I have been looking for on "that special day" when SO asks me to endure the "privilege" of co-habitating with his and BM2's spawn….especially, the "two unrelated females" part. I might even add the word "bitches" for affect when it is my turn to say those lines. (Works for my female dobermans, so why not.)

Helena.Handbasket's picture

LOL.

I found it important to remain emotionally neutral. I tried to be very straightforward and neutral. So it can't be blamed that I'm just being an asshole.

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

9 years in. How I know what it feels like being labeled the "troublemaker" when it is the SD17 having the damn tantrum for no good reason! Oh, dear. I must have upset the deviate when I told her not to eat doughnuts on the couch…etc., etc., etc. Been through the wringer and then some. I have already laid the ground work that she will never live here. OH had a bad attitude for about 2 weeks on that the first time I brought it up, but now he is getting "used" to it. However, I am not knieve. When she and BM get into a fist fight (they are Jerry Springerers), and she is 19 and the CS ends, she will be told to pack her bag. Not coming here! Your post is just what I need for my prep.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Wow, that's a lot of crap to deal with. Glad I could help!

I've often wondered if SD and BM will come to blows. BM has been physical with her, but somehow it hasn't happened. Thank goodness!!

I've noticed that the dad's do get upset at first, but then eventually get over it. honestly, it can be a relief for them for you to be the bad guy I think. Let's be honest, they never did the hard work the first 18 years, why would they want to start now?

Hanny's picture

Helena...nice to ehar from you, you've not been on here in a while. I think you know, if you let her move in, she will never move out. My SO's girls are 1 in State University and 1 graduated cosmotology, and cosmotologist has worked for 6 months, and is quitting her job, because it's not what she thought it would be...'imagine a bunch of houswives wanting to have their hair done'. The school hyped them up so much that this job would be SOOOO much fun...you know doing wild hairstyles, wild makeup..not happening.
And the other I'm afrais is on a 5-6 year plan to graduate a 4 year college. Now I know some classes are hard to get into, but between that, and the fact that she's already had to repeat at least 1 class and she doesn't take a full load of classes, she won't graduate for 5-6 years. These kids are so enabled!

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Hello Nice to see you!!
Things have been quiet on the step front and my little guy is keeping me busy. Between work and him, I barely can get on the computer. I'm procrastinating right now at work Wink

Oh my! how do you do it? Seriously? I decided to just own my bitchiness and stand my ground. I felt so run over for years.

If the one can't even finish cosmetology school, what will she do?
The other, I bet she doesn't finish. Has DH set a timeline for when they should be finishing and moving on?

At what point do you stop enabling. I hope hope hope I make good decisions for my little one. I do not want this for him. I want him ready to hit the ground running when he graduates high school. As much as I will miss him, I want him to go off to college and have all those experiences.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

See this is what I don't get. Why do they get to do that? What happened to expectations?

Lady Danger's picture

Don't let anxiety creep back in if you've done yourself a service and reduced it. Think about your mental health as the most important thing to you and don't allow someone to take it away from you.

Your situation is the epitome of stepparenting nightmares - entitled, overindulged, expectant brats coming out of a shared parenting nightmare. This kid isn't your problem, and you don't need to feel like you have to pacify the beast any longer. 18 is considered an adult, time to go be one.

You're doing the right thing in putting your foot down, and good for you for doing it.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Thank you. I felt a lot better after realizing what the requirements are. She'll never do it. She'll never finish if she tries.

I feel bad only in the sense that I know I'd hate that if someone did it to my child. BUT I want to raise my child not to be this way. I want him to go out into the world and be prepared. I just hope I do the job for him that I'm supposed to.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

I agree completely. Any parent would be scurrying to keep their child from struggling. Its just unfortunate that she wasn't prepared for this before. Everyone allowed her to piss away her 1st three years of high school with poor grades. SENIOR YEAR she keeps As, Bs, and Cs, suddenly college is important. We'll see what she does. All I know is that she has never demonstrated long term maintenance of responsible behavior.

Enabled. *sigh*
In the back of my mind I'm always trying to keep the term independent in my head for my little one.

No, I am not sure she really truly appreciates what self sufficiency and responsibility means. Its sad because somehow SS15 is all about responsibility for himself. Different expectations for the females by the parents.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

I completely agree. I've given this thought as well. She isn't really making any decisions here, she's just being told. Everything she's wanted to do has been wishy washy anyway. She doesn't know what she wants. She's just an adult child who has no idea what to do now. This is why I think she goes along with what dad says, then it fails.

He wasted money once before. $12,000 for 3 months of freshman private high school. Then she comes to him and says I want to move back home with mom and my friends. I suggested that he have her take out loans and then pay on them depending on her grades. We shall see what he does.

I would have loved your scenario, right! I wish I had done this in college. You are right though, that sounds exactly what would work.

"She'll have to get roommates to survive off a entry level job. Not impossible. People do it every day. Actually, many young 20's LOVE this scenario and it works as a great stepping stone to them realizing they want more things.. which means need more money.. which means how do I find a better job.
"

thinkthrice's picture

HELENA! Good to hear from you!! OSS17 is supposed to be graduating this year from HS (although he is failing all his classes, as usual, AND skipping school). His career choice is "rock star" but seeing that he has zero talent (mommykins recorded him on FB--he is LOUD--to call him mediocre would be an EXTREME compliment) don't think THAT is going to work out!

Helena.Handbasket's picture

OMG I know who you are!! I've thought about you recently wondering about you. I'm so happy to hear from you.

Oh my. yes you called it. Rock star. I think he picked that and professional skater in 9th grade right? LOL

They should let him go on that singing show and embarrass himself. }:) }:) }:) }:)

Any troubles from Behemoth?? or her mini me?

thinkthrice's picture

They all are still PASed out and make no contact. I only know the things I do because of my faux FB acct! LOL! SD15 is doing Miley Cyrus type vids (only she's 1,000 more unattractive than MC and 100 lbs heavier) YSS11 is just plain weird (sleeps on the floor over the heat vent--proud BM took a photo of that and posted it on FB) Another SM saw a recent photo of YSS and said he had a look of cruelty. Also I just found out that SD shot my cat with a bb gun when she was still coming to see daddykins. GGGGRRRRRRR!

Helena.Handbasket's picture

That is crazy! Shot your cat!?!?!

Lucky you! No more visits. At least you can keep tabs in case anything changes. So, their father must be real pissy these days.

thinkthrice's picture

Daddykins of course blames ME for their PAS out! Lately he's been on his best behavior but I know better!

Helena.Handbasket's picture

of course.
Sad
Sorry to hear that. easier to blame you than his kids or the BM.

Tuff Noogies's picture

she's back! yay!!

congrats on being blunt and sticking to your guns. "he's trying to find a career for her and a school"- oh my, that will never stick. SHE needs to be the one doing that! smdh. sometimes the best advice falls on deaf ears attached to rock-hard heads...

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Smile

Thank you. I remember the olden days when I would have sat silently and just stopped eating. It came out robotic like. I'm so glad I was able to say it.

She really does. I don't know that she knows what she wants. To me kids fall into two categories when it comes to college:
1. they know they are going to college and they WILL figure out a major even if they don't know right away
2. they aren't ready and need to work a while first, then go.

There's nothing wrong with either, but when you push a 2 to a 1 its just going to fail.

How are you???

misSTEP's picture

Hey, Helena! Long time, no hear....glad that you put your foot down. It wouldn't have ended well.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

No. It wouldn't.

We'll see if this is actually the last of this. I think its going to come up again. Beee

BTW, how are you???

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Yeah... shocking for you I'm sure.

Yep, SO will be purchasing a new car for both skids soon. One for his daughters graduation and one for SS because he really has done as agreed with his schoolwork and being responsible in sports.

SD is driving a junker her mom found (after dad said no car because she lied and got bad grades--BM just did it anyway). Well the junker I'm told is disturbingly scary and SO doesn't want her driving it and begin unsafe.

B22S22's picture

Hey Always Helena... Smile

How are you??

Ah yes, high school graduation is nigh in this household also... and I've not heard word one about what is going on (not that I care particularly), other than the BM has already told the SK's that they are OUT if DH doesn't continue to pay CS. Which did make my ears perk up because where will they go?? NOT HERE> says me. I've not heard anything about college, or jobs (of which NEITHER has ever held), nothing. Except the one SS "thinks" he's going to buy himself a nice little sports car with all his graduation money (I don't know WHO he thinks will put gas in it, or pay insurance on it), I just hope he's thinking ahead a little about BM's statement regarding kicking them out by the end of summer.

So we shall see...

Helena.Handbasket's picture

YAY so happy to hear from you!!!

Neither have I! Not one word about when/where, if I'm supposed to go. My guess is I will be told to go at the last minute. *sigh* so excited. I will drive separate. So not interested in hanging out with BM for some stupid lunch or whatever after.

The original "plan" that SD and BM discussed is that SD would go to community college and stay living with BM. According to SO (sometimes he stretches or makes his own ideas other people's ideas), SD just didn't think she could live anywhere else. So he said he offered her to live where he is at some point. He only asked me this past weekend if I would be ok with it. I think BM knows CS will be cut and wants SD to stay. SO said he'd rather give that half directly to SD. We'll see what happens. He never makes any real effort to take care of anything himself. I don't see him getting a lawyer to handle anything.

Oh a sports car, because they are cheap and I'm sure he'll get at least $10,000 for graduation.

SO is in the middle of purchasing two cars right now, one for each SKID. I'm waiting for him to be too broke to do the things he's promised to the house. Which means I won't be able to move with him.

How are you otherwise? My little one is going to be 2 at the end of the summer. I can't believe it. I adore him.

DaizyDuke's picture

I was just thinking about you not too long ago and wondering how things were going with your piece of work SD.

I really and truly LOVE your argument that 2 unrelated females can not live together without major problems. It's the truth!!!!! It's funny, because that's why I never moved in with any of my girlfriends right after high school. I watched a bunch of my besties do it and then end up at war and hating each other. I was MUCH happier on MY OWN.

But hot damn, I never thought about that with SKIDS! Glad you stuck to your guns and hope that your DH is not like mine and thinks that he can override you because "it's his daughter"

p.s. how's your little guy?

Poodle's picture

Great to read your blogs again HH! And aint this the truth -- "I've noticed that the dad's do get upset at first, but then eventually get over it. honestly, it can be a relief for them for you to be the bad guy I think. Let's be honest, they never did the hard work the first 18 years, why would they want to start now?". I second that.