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Disengaging

HannahD1020's picture

I'd like some input & resources from those familar with disengaging.  I have 3 skids, SD17, SD15 & SS13.  My final straw was last weekend when SD15 hit my dog in the face with a pillow.  There's no consequences, and when DH does try to enforce (which I have to give him credit, he does try), they just run to BM who let's them walk all over her and do as she pleases.  I'm tried of the stress and anxiety that comes along with caring.  If they want to tell and scream and call each other and their parents names, then so be it.  I just need to be able to step back and only care when it affects me, (i.e. my house, my belongings, my money and most importantly, my dog).  Any input/resources/insight/ideas are greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Comments

tog redux's picture

If DH let my skid hurt my dog more than once, I would move out with my dog. There is no "try" to enforce, there is enforce or not enforce.  Who cares if they run to BM?

HannahD1020's picture

Honestly, I don't care if they run to BM.  My life is more peaceful when they are there.  And I'm sure there will be no more issues with the dog as I set that straight.  Hence why they ran to mommy...because somebody stood up to them and they had their snowflake feelings hurt.  But for the record, DH did stand up to her and enforce her punishment, which was to lose her phone & laptop.  Though BM didn't.  So she was punished for all of 5 minutes, until they got to BM's house and had WiFi again.

tog redux's picture

Well, that's fine, BM shouldn't punish for things that happen at your house and vice versa.

As for disengaging, you decide how that works for you - do you do nothing for the kids? Do you only do things if you are also doing it for others (such as cooking). 

I never took any kind of active parenting role with my SS, I was like the "friendly aunt". 

HannahD1020's picture

The probolem with not being punished at BM's house for something they did at Dad's house is that we live 1/2 mile away.  The second they get in trouble they run to BM, therefore, DH is the bad guy, BM is the hero.

tog redux's picture

That happens no matter what distance you live apart, if one parent disciplines and the other one doesn't.  But why are they allowed to just go back and forth whenever they want?

CLove's picture

Two words - custody order. Although its awesome and peaceful (THREE SKIDS holy moly) when they are gone, thats lazy parenting. Children dont get to decide where to go to be loathsome. Custody order should be adhered to.

notsobradybunch's picture

I'm all for disengaging, but if it involved my dog I would most certainly engage. I have zero tolerance for that nonsense. Go home to BM...BYE!

HannahD1020's picture

Oh yes, there was no holding back in that situation.  The whole "You're no my mom, you can't tell me what to do" didn't fly with me in MY house with MY dog.  She hasn't spoken to me since.  It's like all my dreams have come true!

Siemprematahari's picture

Sounds like you had something positive come out of this situation (kid not speaking to you since). Glad you stood up for yourself and your dog.

Disillusioned's picture

You're on the right track

Disengage, but of course if they're behavior effects you/your home/your pets, then you have every right to put your foot down

Who cares if they go running to BM

My own SF was a great example of this LOL...he did not overly involve himself in our lives - we knew he was there for us when we needed it - but boy if we we're at his house and crossed the line with any of his rules, he had no problem whatsoever ripping into whoever was dumb enough to do that

And you know what? We all respected him and his house rules

With my own adult SD's (and SIL) I try really hard to be exactly to them like my SF was to me, he was a good guy but really didn't put up with any nonsense! 

Chmmy's picture

Im so mad right now!!!!! The lack of consequences. What would the consequences be if the dog bit her in the face?

HannahD1020's picture

That's a great question.  I'm sure all involved would be livid at the dog.  My dog (the dog she hit) would never bite anybody.  She just doesn't have it in her.  Hoewver, my DH's dog HATES the skids.  Growls at them, runs away from them when they try to pick him up, has snapped at them, etc.  I find this hilarious though SD15 always tries to tell me he's HER dog.  Ok, kid.  Whatever you say!

HannahD1020's picture

I’m very much in love with my husband. SD15 will be banned from this house far before I would even question leaving my husband.