PA is not just for divorced families...tales of my mother
Ugh.....my mother. I see now why on some levels I am about 100 ways of messed up. Its my mother....and in some part my Dad.
My mom...only child of a alcoholic father. As result of my grandfather drinking away all of my grandparents money...my grandmother had to work a lot when my mom was young. My grandparents divorced after my mom graduated high school....and my grandmother was a really great woman. I still miss my grandmother to this day. She really was the person I talked to and was there for me.
I think the above has really messed my mother up. Oy....and age has made it worse. She already over eats as a means to deal with her emotions.
My mother seems to think that I should be her confidant for all things..including her issues with my Dad. Now neither one, my mother or my Dad are saints. My mother, however, thinks that she is always right and never does anything wrong. Oy...so not the truth. I realized through therapy that a large part of my people pleasing is due to her. I have been managing her moods for the better part of my life. My sister just noped out of the whole situation and keeps both my parents at arms length. I understand it....but that leaves me to deal with them.
Over the last few years..my parents have been fighting like cats and dogs. Both are retired and neither have any reall hobbies other than annoying the heck out of each other. As a result, my mother thinks I should be the one to hear her grievances against my Dad. Spoiler... I don't want to hear it from either one. She also fails to realize I have my own life, job, kids and a husband. I have pulled back from her over the last year in order to focus on myself and my marriage. I needed to focus on myself, something I haven't done for the majority of my life.
The latest was they were fighting the other night. Why...because my Dad rewashed "his" popcorn bowl that my mother had previously washed. Sigh...not the biggest infraction.....and I made the mistake of asking my mother....yep its annoying that he did that but really is it worth getting all up in arms over it. If he wants to rewash it...so be it. Now between us....my mother is not the best at housekeeping etc. Ok..she is pretty terrible at it truth be told. Best guess the bowl was still a bit greasy and my Dad just rewashed it. Other solution...DON'T WASH THE DAMN BOWL. So....after I asked why let it bug her I got a text message that said the following:
"I give up. I must be the most worthless person on earth. I picked up the garbage from the back yard. Took it to the garbage can. You dad took it out of the garbage to make sure I did it correctly. Just this once side with me and not him."
REALLY...nope..not going to happen. I don't side with either of them and quite frankly I don't like hearing their complaints about each other.
I responded back with...
"I don't side with either of you and its unfair to ask or expect me to side with either one of my parents."
And now..I'm getting one work responses from my mother. Plus she is on a roll posting all kinds of woo is me crap on facebook.
I don't think I'm wrong here..and I certainly do not do this to my kids. I try very very hard to not say anything negative about their father and I don't use my kids as a sound boards for my issues with DH, or really for any of my issues. Not their place to be my pseudo therapist. Yes, I have told my mother she needs therapy or they need to divorce, or both. In reality they really should have divorced a long time ago....classic case of..when the kids left and they retired..they figured out they can't stand each other.
So...now I'm in the dog house for not subscuming to my mother's attempts at getting me "on her side"...in their domestic squabbles. I know..its boundaries and since she is a boundary stomper/rug sweeper this bugs her to no end. I also think it bugs her that she sees my marriage as beting better than hers...for the most part I actually like my DH.