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Its been a few weeks. Lots has happened....

halo1998's picture

First ..we went on vacation. DH almost died from dehydration so that was fun.  I was in a foreign country (thank heavens it was a country colonized by the British..they speak English) and thinking.."How do you get a body home from a foreign country."  DH survived lasting issues. 

SD quit her job teaching little kids to swim and now is working at a local retail store close to our house. That will be interesting as time rolls on and Beaver needs to pick her up at after 10 p.m.  The drive is now longer for Beaver, since the retail store is about 6 blocks from our house.  I don't see this going well...and DH has already said..if Beaver doesn't pick up SD..he is not driving her to her mothers. SD can just stay at our house.

SD also needed her documents for the new gig..and took them to work with her and then went to her mothers.  Beaver kept SD  social security card because and I quote 'I had it firrrrrsssssstttttt".  Uh...ok...its Sd's so uhm...shouldn't she have it?  Whatever makes you feel relevant there Beaver.  Dh and I didn't care one way or the other...the only document we wanted back was Sd's passport since will be going the UK in 2024.

DH and I are doing wellish..working through stuff.  Such gems as...

1. Told DH..this is hard..i have to figure out if the @sshole you is the real you...or is the nice you the real you. When I married you..the nice you was who I "thought" was the real you and now I don't know.  DH swears up and down the @sshole him is not the real him nor does he want to be or is that person anymore. Time will tell...

2.  Dh and I watch sister wives...yea its a quilty pleasure.  (My DH loves loves himself some of real TV drama).  Anyhoo...he was remarking that the Dad had a very little relationship with his older kids. Then one of the now ex wives remarked..they became the "default parent and head of household" out of necessity.  Dad was either not there or when he was..wasn't there mentally.  Therefore, the kids all came to the mom with questions, asking for help, comfort, etc.  So naturally, she has a relationship with the kids now that they are adults and Dad really doesn't.    Oofff..Dh had to sit with the fact that he taught us all that he didn't want to be bothered with any of that. He didn't like when the kids or I for that matter interrupted his TV watching and Fetlife surfing/texting.  The consequences of that he is now feeling....he has no close relationship with his kids and our relationship is very damaged  now.  He now sees..I have a really good relationship with my kids and SD will talk to me about stuff before she does Beaver and her Dad.  MMMM..yep..that is because I didn't push them away all the time so I could pursue my selfish pleasures.  I was the one there...through the good and the bad.

3.  I'm dealing with feelings of anger of the fact I spent the last 8 to 9 years supporting us so DH could get out of debt and I got repaid for this with his fetlife surfing/texting the whores he met there.  Yea...that anger is going to take awhile to subside I think.   I feel very used and have told DH that.

4. Dealing with that fact I no longer trust my intuition. I thought for a very long time DH was up to something..but I pushed it away thinking I was just being paranoid.  Yep..nope...I wasn't.


I did point out to DH..I think a lot of Grey divorces and lack of relationships with kids happen due to fathers/husbands lack of attention. The fathers/husbands go out and seek their personal pleasures and leave the wife/mother at home to deal with the kids, etc.  The wives/mothers do so and form a bond with the kids and have their lives filled with kids stuff.  Then when the kids grow up and the wives/mothers have relationships with the kids and realize..."uh..yea I've been alone this whole time...I might as well be alone now and do what I want."   The wives/mothers then initiate divorce proceedings and the husbands are like "I don't know why.....I was always here.".  Then they husbands/fathers realize they are alone...the kids don't come over or call..and their wife has left and found someone that pays attention or they simply go about life alone with no issues..after all they have been doing that this whole time.  I told DH...these guys fail to need to form bonds with the kids when they are young....they remember who was there in times of crisis, sadness, joy, etc.   That husbands need to be present with their wives..for the good and the bad.  


and work still sucks...but that is a constant.  LOL



JRI's picture

I was wondering where you were, I missed your blogs and comments..

You didn't know which is real, the nice DH or not-so-nice DH.  I think, like all of us, he is both.  He showed his most pleasant side In the early days, like we all do.  As time went on, he revealed his full self.  You are the only one who can decide whether you can accept that.  If he's trying to change, and having success, that's all you can ask.   But to question which is real, they both are.  Just my opinion.


halo1998's picture

usually one is more predominant than the other side.  That is where I'm hung up on.  DH is doing all that he can to change and show me he is trustworthy and that I am his priority.  It's a process that is for sure...and so far its been enough progress to keep me here.

advice.only2's picture

I too am a Sister Wives junkie, I feel so bad for Janelle right now, she worked so hard for that family and she didn’t even get her casita!

I’m sorry you are going through this, my friend is dealing with infidelity in her marriage and they just bought a new house and now she feels stuck because the market is bad so she can’t just sell they will be upside down.  

DH and I are going through stuff and it’s mostly because he acted like as the “man” in the family that meant he worked and that was his contribution to our relationship, everything else was “woman’s work”.  So he is in therapy trying to understand why at this stage of our marriage I would be more than happy to live in a tiny home by myself. 

halo1998's picture

Oh I went to work..and now I'm done mentality.  Meanwhile..I was working and taking care of everything...and I do mean everything.  DH also has been working hard in therapy to over come this mentality....and I will say he has stepped up and become a partner..not just another lump on the sofa.


I too have told DH..if it goes back to that way again..I will be divorcing him and living on my own.  I have no desire to be in a marriage where I work my butt off while he sits and watches TV.  Nope...not going to happen