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Update on Me... :)

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Sat, 04/27/2024 - 4:33pm

Well lets see..I took a break from pretty much everything after hitting rock bottom about 5 months ago.  Diagnosis...severe burnout.  Burnout from work, step life and the trama DH unleashed on me. 

Got back to intense therapy...and I'm much better.  Creating boundaries in home and work...and not taking sh$t from DH.  

So..on the work front.  I have exactly 18 months then I will retire aka find anything else to do besided my uber stressfull IT job.  It is good to have an end date and honestly I just don't care about work anymore.  I do enough..but other than ...I let most things slide.  My micromanaging boss...eh he can suck a d*ck..cause I'm over dealing with that.  I set boundaries of NOPE won't work on weekends I'm not oncall.  I also will not stay late, etc.  Not going to the annual Mexico trip with work either...that was a hellscape last year that I WILL NOT do again.  I tracked down my mental break to that trip.....not work being alone in another country with no one to talk to and to hear about all the project teams getting awards and nary a word of praise for ME THE ONE DID ALL THE BACK END WORK FOR YOUR PROJECTS. That was the corner stone of ...this sucks and I'm done.

On to the kids...well you all seen what DD is up to. Tomorrow is her college graduation..and I can't believe 4 years has gone by so quick. I'm proud of her and proud of me.  Despite the VI not paying a CENT for her college education....I paid the entire cost after her scholarship...including the condo payments that she and her brother live in.  Yep..I'M A BAD @SS....and the VI can go suck a d*ck too.   He thought it would break me...hahaha...NOPE.

DH...that has been work in progress but we are making progress.  After a time of realizing ....I was about out the door and that his shenannigans were alot of the reason I was having such an issue with anxiety all those years, he got his @ss back to counseling with a counselor that doesn't let him slide.  This guy is AWESOME...and he has helped DH see that all the years that he "thought" I was the problem...it was not me..IT WAS HIM.  This counselor has shown him..I was trying to communicate like an adult...that DH was the issue with his defensiveness and stonewalling.  There is alot DH has to unpack from his family of origin...but he is doing it.  To that point...he cut off his mother recently since she can't seem to understand that DH is never ever going to follow her religious beliefs.  DH also was shocked when he found out in our couples counseling that for the last I would say 7 to 8 years..I truly thought DH was just staying with me till SD was 18 and then he would leave me.  He had no idea..(no sh$t DH...you were too busy to pay attention).  Apparently, his counselor/therapist pointed out to him.....that is how disengaged he was..and how lonely I was.  That while he "thought" none of his shennanigans bled over to the relationship...the reality was that it almost killed it.  It was an eye opener for him to find out just how close I was to leaving.  He had to hear the only reason I stayed was for the kids...I didn't want to disrupt their lives....but if the kids weren't there I would have left a long time ago. 

Me..I'm working with my therapist to get over the burnout and regain my confidence and self esteem.  That has been going better and at this point...I hold nothing back from DH.   I started my hobbies again....and I have been teaching myself how to water color paint.  I'm happy with my life..other than work.  Dh knows that another incident of his shennanigans..and its OVER.  No ifs and or buts.  I'm not playing...and I hold him accountable for all his sh$%tty behaviours...no more gaslightening..no more DAVRO...not dealing with it.  Its been good to finally find my voice and boundaries.

Comments

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 04/29/2024 - 8:50pm

I am so happy for you that you are learning how to be the person you like being again.

I also completely understand being at the glide path point with work.  I started a new job two months ago, yesterday.  An interesting epiphany is that my tolerance for anything is just about zero.  Like you, I am at the point where I can be selective on what I will do for the rest/last 5-8ish years of my career. DW and I hit our retirement hasset goal mid year of 23.  Having that locked up, keeps that clearly in the forefront of my mind and makes me far more direct in my interfaces at work.  I have played the "I cannot support that" a couple of times in my first two months with my current and hopefully last company. I am excited about the company. I am not tolerant of the skitchy leadership I am seeing from several of the organizational leaders and the complete lack of structure. The company is a pre-IPO start up and values innovation and frenetic action. Trying to get them to recognize that best practice foundations drive far more innovation than chasing squirrels ever will while constantly optimizing business performance is a very challenging prospect.  That is what they hired me to do, so, that is what I am doing. And... they don't much like it.

Oh well.

I hope that your DH keeps his head straight and that you can get to your first retirement date smoothly.

Keep taking care of you.

Give rose

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Tue, 04/30/2024 - 6:34pm

The company ... values innovation and frenetic action. Trying to get them to recognize that best practice foundations drive far more innovation than chasing squirrels ever will while constantly optimizing business performance is a very challenging prospect.

Rags, I can sooOOOoo relate to that. I'm at a very small, very successful 40+ year old specialty firm and holy cow - from the top down there's very little strategic planning, standards, project & time management... and therefore lots of unnecessary last-minute non-excellence ensues. 

I've dealt with this before, and am introducing them to the better way of managing/delegating efforts, slowly but surely. I was NOT hired to do that, unlike you, but I'm dedicated to excellence and strive to deliver work products that everyone can be proud of vs the "Good Enough" last-minute mess they call "Normal."

/is it Friday yet Biggrin

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Sat, 04/27/2024 - 10:19pm

You sound good, I'm happy for you.

I had a 33-year career where I saw a tremendous growth  (office went from 3 people to 100+) and I contributed a lot of my self, my brainpower, my concern.  I'm grateful for the opportunities I had.

But, saying that, my last few years weren"t happy.  i saw cynical, inept management.  I saw endless, often mismanaged change.  I felt ageism.  I had had an employee who worked at 70 and I'd seen her poor attitude spread to others and I vowed I'd retire before 70 cuz I could see my own attitude souring.  I was in the corporate area but I couldn't drink the KoolAid anymore.

I've been happily retired for 10 years now.  I've realized that the dissatisfaction we feel at the end of our careers seems to be a natural progression.  We"ve just all seen too much, we know what has worked and what hasn't.  Most of us are in a stable position where we aren't rising but we are working with younger people who still aspire to higher position and don't have our experience .

Halo, just hang in there for 18 months and maximize your savings.  You will love retirement.

 

 

 

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Sun, 04/28/2024 - 6:01am

I really love that you are being true to you again. No more putting you at the end of the work list, the home list, the relationship list. You are honoring you and I hope you never stop. You've come so far, don't let anyone, including DH, ruin the scenery for you!!

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Sun, 04/28/2024 - 6:31am

Good thing your DH has a therapist who is holding him accountable. 
 

I find that most men have A LOT to unpack (they're walking around here like macho men carrying construction-grade baggage) because society has taught them not to express emotions (ex crying, anger, frustration) so they often times do carry past trauma but with no outlet their wives end up being the free therapist (who they don't listen to) and emotional punching bag so to speak. 
 

 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 04/28/2024 - 8:38am

That we have to retire to get out of work place garbage.  People playing the middle management game, stepping on other people to advance they think.   That work should be a happy place.   But it's so far from it.    Some people don't have life's, so they work 12 hours a day 7 days a week and think everyone else should be doing it too.   They let one person go. And now you have to do the jobs of two people,  but it's not good enough. 

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Sun, 04/28/2024 - 1:07pm

I'm glad you got back in touch with your badass self. You are a prize, and if your DH "forgets" that again, he can kick rocks. Or, as you elegantly put it, suck a d*ck.

I didn't want to face retirement, but did so last summer. DH's health in particular is not stable and that was a clear priority. I still miss some of it but I'll never, ever go back to the full-time grind.

Dollbabies's picture

Submitted by Dollbabies on Sun, 04/28/2024 - 8:46pm

enough to take early retirement ten years ago. My late husband had been retired for about four years prior and we had so much fun! If I had waited four more years to full retirement we would have had almost no time when there weren't health problems. I loved my job but I was always happy at home so it really wasn't a big sacrifice. I will never regret it.