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I'm not the same person...

halo1998's picture

that is MA's mantra of late.  Cool...I can see his is trying to be different since his extra-curricular activies were discovered. What MA fails to realize..I am ALSO  a different person.  After finding his years and years long extra-curriculars changed me...along with therapy for complex PTSD.

MA does not like the new me all that much at times....I no longer sweep his crappy behavior under the rug. I won't light myself on fire to make him happy anymore and I no longer blindly trust him.  Trust but verify buddy...that is where we are at. 

MA does not like this.....recently MA went silent and started to "zone out"  aka dissassociate from me again.  Its been a common theme in our marriage.....why do you ask...well its because SD is acting like a giant turd to him.   MA doesn't like it but won't confront her..cause conflict is instead he takes it out on disassociating and ignoring me. the past I let that slide..but no more.  I call his @ss out on this crappy behaviour....SD issues..NOT MY PROBLEM AND NOT OF MY MAKING.  Work issues...SAME THERE BUDDY.  

I also won't go in for the gas lighting...the DARVOing or the projection of anyting onto me.  I see you there MA and nope I am no longer putting up with your crap.  No more...oh I'm the worst and I can't do anything right.  Blah, blah, to the hand MA...the ears aren't listening.

We recently went to therapy and I brought up an issue I had that I wanted to work through. MA was peeved because I didn't tell him before hand.  I was purposefull to do it with our therapist so that MA couldn't pull his gaslighting or his DARVOing.  I knew that if we were at home the conversation would not go well.  The worst he could do in therapy was spout ...but I'm a different person.  MMMM..yea....but your still trying to pull your shennanigans on me.  MA tried is best in therapy to make the issue about me...but in the end was called out on it.  

I'm also changed since I'm not sleep deprived and I'm not interested in making our entire lives about HIM.  MA has to handle his own shiz..not me.  Wanna know anxiety is about 90% gone now...hmmm..conincidence..NAH...its directly due to the fact I will no longer rug sweep and I won't make myself smaller for him.  I'm me....and I address issues like an adult.  Don't like it..there is the door don't let it hit you in the rear and good luck finding anyone as good as I am.  

So....guess what....I'm different to there MA.....  Smile


grannyd's picture

Wow, halo! Your post had me laughing with delight and fist-punching the air with shouts of "ALL RIGHT!" Your words sound like freedom from spousal bullying and the emergence of a self-respect/self-esteem that's been lacking in your relationship for far too long.

I can’t wait to hear comments from StepUltimate…

Merry's picture

You are on the road to health and peace. You are fantastic.
But he keeps taking wrong turns. Do you think he's all in with you? Or is this more work than he thought it would be and he's hoping for the old nornal (that worked quite well for him).

halo1998's picture

I think he wants to be all in...but oof..I do think he underestimated just how much work HE needed to do. I think in the beginning MA firmly thought the issue was with didn't pay enough attention to him. (YA BOO EFFIN WHO).  Then he he was taken to task and made aware...regardless of whether or not "I paid attention to him"...he decisions were his CHOICES.  That he realizes that he indeed was a major issue.

I don't think he wants to go back to the old normal..but he will revert out of habit when things get tough. The difference I no longer tolerate it...and I will call it out directly.

Yesterdays's picture

I like that he's being held accountable after all these years. He needs to put in the work and the effort with you. If he doesn't. Buh bye. 

CLove's picture

Do you think this will result in REAL changes from MA? Im glad you are protecting yourself.

I also have been doing things differently. I avoid the conflict and when husband told me to tell SD18 PPSDN to hurry up, and some other stuff, I just spouted "thats not my job"...

I no longer will be in the middle with his parenting. I ask him for chores to be done, and then leave it. 

Your on a good pathway I hope he understands....

halo1998's picture

and I will say after some foot stomping and trying the bag o tricks that don't work...he will course correct

So as long as he keeps growing and learning his sh*tty coping mechanisims will not fly anymore...I think we have a shot.

Rags's picture

I'm a different person!

Unlikely.  Shit no matter how much it is polished is still shit.  It does not change, it may look better, and smell better over time, but true change turns shit into a diamond and shit will never truly be a diamond without that true change. Until then, it may be shiney, and it may not even smell, but even a polished turd is still shit.

Unfortunately there is no thermal diamond tester for people.  There is no proof positive that they have made the required change. Change and trust are earned and proven with long term unequivocal demonstration of wuality character and honor without any backsliding.

Even on that scale, the litmus test is a rest of their lives thing.

His resurgent extracurricular activities are proof positive of his true nature and lack of change.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

halo1998's picture

and my mantra has been..

Trust is earned in drops but lost in buckets.  MA doesn't have full trust yet....and that is just the fact.  The therapist also reminds him..he broke the cup so to gets put back together but its never the same.