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SD gave B*ver a list of her demands

halo1998's picture

SD apparently sat down with Beaver and gave her a list of her demands.

1. Stop talking about DH around her.  No trash talk, nothing.  

Beaver said she couldn't agree to this one.  WTF..

2.  SD wants to keep her ipad and use at her moms.

Beaver said she would allow it.

3.  She wants to be here during the day on Beaver's days during remote learning.  Also that she doesn't think its fair that her Dad has to drive back and forth since Beaver is only 5 minutes from her Dads. She would like Beaver to drop off/pick up.

Beaver told her well she doesn't want her here during the day but she has no choice.  And too bad..if her Dad wants her to be with him during the day he needs to pick her up and take her home.  Apparently SD told that was stupid and petty.

4.  Do not ever hit, punch, kick, or bit her again.  Keep her hands to herself.

Beaver said she would try.  Again WtF.

5.  She does not want to bring all of her stuff to school on Friday's when she goes back to her Mom's.  Its heavy and she doesn't want it stolen.

Beaver said she "would see".  

SD was not very pleased with Beaver's answers, especially number 1 and 3.  In SD words...she is so selfish and immature.

Also yesterday during the great drop off at Beaver's employment, Beaver kept insisting SD knew where to go to meet Beaver.  SD had no clue and asked DH if he knew where to drop her.  DH's response was, "I have no clue.  I guess I haven't been stalking your mother good enough, otherwise maybe I would know."  SD responded..No kidding...and started to laugh.



tog redux's picture

I do think the other option that LD suggested is good - if Beaver makes it tough to drop SD off at her work, then Beaver can pick her up at your house, period. If she doesn't, then oh well, I guess SD stays with you another night.


tog redux's picture

Beware - my SS did something similar to this at 14, stood up to BM - only to end up totally alienated by age 15.  BMs like this work their magic on their kids.

StepUltimate's picture


JRI's picture

She is seeing reality and can articulate her wishes.  Good!  I'm guessing this was all the result of the CPS visit?

mommadukes2015's picture

Would TRY not to hit, kick, bite and she a toddler?!? My 6 year old "tries" with great success not to do those things. I certainly hope these demands are shared with CPS during their questioning of SD. Those concerns enough are reason for removal. 

good on you guys for supporting this child to feel empowered to make demands of her toddler-mother. Sadly, SD is far more mature than she is. 

and for those who doubt their SK's will ever see BM's toxic behavior as such-they do. And they take note. 

JRI's picture

Im 75, the 5 " kids" are all in their 50s and I can tell you they ALL see the truth about not only deadbeat ex and crazy BM but me and DH.  For better or worse, with stunning clarity.  Doesnt mean they dont love the erring parent but I promise, they see it.

Felicity0224's picture

Right? The "try" thing just blows my mind. There are toddlers with more self control. Geez.

OP, it sounds like there is a good deal of hope for your SD. A lot of girls that age (my SDs included) are so enmeshed with their abusive that even thinking about having a conversation like that would never, ever happen. I really hope your SD can stick to her guns and continue standing up to her mom. 

Picardy III's picture

Yep - but speaking pessimistically: seeing the crazy is one thing, getting away from it is another.

My stepkids see their mother's toxicity pretty clearly, but find it easier to go along with her and not rock the custody boat. And, I can't blame them.

advice.only2's picture

So I admit I am skeptical. Not all kids or scenarios are the same, but here goes:

We got custody of Spawn at 10...she pretty much didn't see her mom most of that year because she was in and out of jail. That year was actually pretty good and Spawn was able to detox from Meth Mouth. 12-13 the influence wasn't too bad because visitation was super limited 1 day on the weekends and Spawn was starting to see the light of not living with an abusive junkie. 14-15 sh*t started to crash down because the judge upped Meth Mouths visitation time to all weekend with over nights, suddenly we had too many rules, we expected too much of Spawn and only Meth Mouth understood her. 16-17 were sheer hell, judge had upped visitation to EOW with time during the week and in the summer. At that point Spawn was all about Meth Mouth and making sure we knew she hated our guts.

I'm just saying it appears you guys are in that window right now, but just wait, it will pass and suddenly Beaver will be the end all be all...unless you SD is smarter, which I really hope for.

halo1998's picture

So he doesn't really hold much hope that SD will continue this trend..but in the end will go the dark side with Beaver. Its nice to hear now..but eventually Beaver and her "no rules" household will win out in the end.

tog redux's picture

Good for him. We wasted 10K fighting for custody when SS went through this phase. Only to have him lie to the judge so he can stay at BM's house because he met a girl there.

As someone said below, these toxic mothers have a strong pull. It's hard to break away.  At almost 21, my SS still hasn't.

JRI's picture

I agree that, short term, Beaver's household will be more attractive.  But this episode has proven that somewhere in SD's mind, there's a kernel of reality.

MissK03's picture

To me, it sounds like SD does have a good head on her shoulders and wants to be above beaver and GWR. 

Now the question is, what happens when beaver doesn't uphold to SDs lists of things she wants to happen. I think smart kids who want to better themselves even being around parents like beaver will only deal with "buying love"  tactics for so long. Eventually they may have a breaking point. It seems SD is reaching that. 

Like I always say, genetics plays a big factor with or without exposure. Hopefully SD is more like your DH. 

Harry's picture

And you are trying to make some sense out of this.  What ever Beaver said in five minutes it will be all change.  You must check the Moon first. If it's full all bets are off. 
You must disengage from Beaver and her illness.  You are letting her take up too much space in yout mind. Way too much .  
I am. sorry that you must go through this. But you must protect yourself first 

halo1998's picture

while her mother is at work.  DH works from home, has for the last 5 years, and Beaver (bio mom) does not. Beaver would like SD to be anywhere but here but DH has first right of refusal so Beaver has no choice since DH has now told her he wants SD here using his First Right of Refusal. 


Gimlet's picture

I just want you to know how much I enjoy seeing an NCP dad use FRR against an HCBM.   It's usually their tool of manipulation and this is just delicious.

That said, I do feel bad for SD and hope she doesn't go the same way as GWR. 

halo1998's picture

especially since she specifically said in a was just there becase "he" traveled.  It was good to point out...doesn't matter why you had to have it in APPLIES to you too sweetie. 

There have been several times things that Beaver "had" to have in their custody agreement has backfired on her.  I

skell76's picture

That takes a lot to verbalize to the person that makes their life so challening. I had a mom like your  beaver and I moved out at 17 I just couldn't take it.

I literally was shaking my head at how ridiculous the BM is and sad that SD is more like a parent - brings back so many memories. I pray she'll remain a strong gal and stay on a good path.