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B* the origin story

halo1998's picture

Hellloo....well I have some time on my hands..so I figured we could explore the Beaver Origin story or as I like to say  WTF..were you thinking DH?

DH grew up in a small one stop light town in the middle of the mid-west.  When he graduated he wanted nothing more than to get the F out of said small town.  DH is one smart cookie...and college seemed like the logical choice.  However, DH knew he was in no way ready for college and would just party his way right out there.  So, he took a job after graduation and pondered his future.  Meanwhile, my MIL, kept trying to marry DH off to one of her church friends daughters.  Ugh....

DH tired of MIL's meddling did the only thing he could think of to get away from MIL and out of podoke junction..He joined the Navy.

In the Navy DH decided having a girlfriend or a wife while on active duty was not an option.  He saw and was part of too many..uh extra curricular activies while guys were out to see.  So, he had a string of girls in and out of his life.

Fast forward he has gotten out of the Navy and moved to our fair city where MIL/FIL and the crew had moved too. He got a good job at a bank and was moving up.   Like I said DH is one smart cookie.

DH still liked to string the ladies along and had one girl that was his "booty call".  Dh no intention of having any serious relationship with this girl and was upfront about it.  The "booty call" had a roommate....BEAVER.  MMM.....and the plot thickens.

Beaver is most certainly not DH's type. Dh tends to like small, dark or red headed women.  He also tends to gravitate to women who are smart and independant and a bit quirky. (I am really short and tiny, have really dark hair, tattoos, nose piercing and independant streak that is longer than SD's snapchat streak, and my geek flag flies really super high)   Beaver is short, wasn't small even back in the day and is blonde.  She is also about as deep and interesting as the shallow end of the pool.  But, Beaver is a chamelion...she will change and become whatever the people she is around are.  She will ike whatever they like, will try to look like them, etc Weird....

Beaver set her sights on her roommates "booty call" guy. Why....well DH made good money, had his own place, was cute and was graced with some assets in the bedroom.  Beaver made it her mission to be in places that DH was and to make herself the epitomy of what DH wanted.

DH by his own admission had grown weary of the player lifestyle and wanted settle down. Beaver stalked and talked to DH all the time and she seemed to echo everything DH wanted, a wife, children, a house, etc.  Poor DH he fell for this..and started to date Beaver on the down low.  Oy....DH..never date your "booty calls" roommate...its just WRONG.  They had to keep the relationship a secret since Beaver still lived with "booty call".  DANGER...DANGER DH...DANGER

DH says they dated for a few months and Beaver was at his house ALL THE TIME.  He was really getting a little tired of her being there all the time...and was ready to tell her, lets take a break.  He came home to his apartment one day...and Beaver had moved in.  Seems roommate was not at all please that Beaver pursued and was dating DH.  Imagine that....and roommate was the lease holder so out Beaver went.  

Normal people would find somewhere to live..but not Beaver she just up and moved into DH's apartment.  All the WTF here...her reasoning, she was there all the time and she could save on rent by moving in.  DH didn't quite know what to do..so he just went with it.  (AGAIN...WTF DH)  He also found out later that she had 15k in credit card debt and couldn't get an apartment on her own.

The lived together for about 6 months when DH decided what the hell, she is there and she is "ok" and he would just marry her so he could be married and start his adult life.   Beaver has been talking about marriage and buying wedding books and giving him pictures of rings for months.  HOLY SNIKIES DH...not a good reason to get married.

DH took himself to Service Merchandise and bought a standard round diamond ring and was set to propose to the Beaver.  He called her mother to work on a plan to make sure Beaver didn't come home too soon.  

Dh got off work early, made dinner for them..(Dh could not cook so this was BIG) and lite candles.  Beaver came home, yelled at DH for lighting the candle as it was some super duper special candle...and the proceeded to stomp up the stairs and change into her sweatpants and ratty t-shirt.  She then came down and complained she didn't like the dinner DH had made and that it looked yucky.  (This is a lovely trait she would teach to the skids).  Then the phone rings and its Beaver Sr asking Beaver if Dh has asked her yet...way to ruin that surprise Beaver Sr.

AT this point DH is not at all sure he wants to marry this mess and hasn't pulled the ring out of his pocket yet.  Beaver turns to him and asks if he has something for her...DH pulls out the ring slaps it on the table and says "well will ya" and that was it.  That was his proposal....well will ya...nothing says I love you than...well will ya.  (NO that is not how DH asked me to marry him....ours was rather cute and I got a custom made diamond ring with a somewhat rare Ascher cut diamond as its center.)

Hindsight...DH was like I should have kept that ring in my pocket and kicked her fat ass out that night.  Instead I signed up for 7 years of indentured servitude.  

Comments

Iamwoman's picture

He is a good guy who got hoodwinked. Similar way my DH got roped in to marrying Maggot: forced moving into his apartment, pressure to marry, DH thinking "this is the age where marriage should occur so I guess I should", and DH regretting that he didn't just "keep driving" the first time he saw Maggot (match.com date).

Love your writing!

Dysfunctional family backgrounds breed dysfunctional decision making skills in young adults.

 

halo1998's picture

I will just move in with you thing.  Like how entitled do you need to be to "just" up and move in with someone. 

Yep...DH decision making skills..whew. sometimes are still skewed...

CLove's picture

Would actually take the key from her daughter, feral forger (then 14-15) and come into the house he had booted her out of during kiddo drop offs, hang out and drink his alcohol, and stay the night stating that she did not want to "get caught drinking and driving". Yup, she was a tough little leech to unstick.

halo1998's picture

another WTF were you thinking moment. I'd have called the police that there was a drunk intruder in my home....

Merry's picture

Oh Lordy. My DH "accidentally" proposed to the BM. He doesn't even remember what he said, but she took it as a marriage proposal and there he was, too stupid to stop the trainwreck.

strugglingSM's picture

I have a very similar story. DH - who is an eternal optimist and passive, people-pleaser by nature - hit his early 20s. MIL - who has always been a nag and has told DH how much of a disapointment he is almost since birth - told DH that he better hurry up and get married because he does not want to end up like his bachelor uncle. Then sadly, DH's father was killed in a car accident. DH was naturally grief-stricken and decides that he needs a relationship to make his pain go away. He meets BM through a personal ad (seriously?!). He is repulsed by her physically, but yet, still continues dating her and with MIL's warning about ending up sad, unhappy, and alone, and his desire to heal his grief, he decides at 25 that the time is right to marry. This is despite protests from his best friend - who lived with him for 5 years  and was like a brother to him - that he is making a terrible mistake because BM is not nice to him. Even on his wedding day, this friend said to him (in all seriousness, not in a joking way), "she hasn't walked down the aisle, yet, you can still walk away." DH told me that he seriously contemplated divorce less than 2 years into his marriage to BM, but his eternal optimism and misplaced sense of loyalty led him to stay in the marriage and then 3 years later to have children in the hopes that children would "fix" their relationship (has that ever worked?!). Six years after the children were born, BM meets a new man and files for divorce. DH tries to fight her on the divorce because again he is loyal and also he believes that married parents (even miserable married parents) are better than unmarried parents. This again is largely due to MIL who told DH that the day he told her he was getting a divorce was "the worst day of her life" (worse, MIL, than when your husband was killed in a car crash?!) and DH has "brought great shame upon the family" (no, they are not Catholic and MIL's beloved brother has been married three times). It was only after a full year of therapy, with the counselor who initially saw both DH and BM and told DH "divorce will be good for you, because she's abusive" (leading BM to storm out and never go back), that DH realized that BM's treatment of him was not okay and not normal. He still lived in the fog of putting up with it until I came along and put my foot down and told him that I wasn't going to be in a relationship with a man, who was so beholden to a crazy ex wife. 

Now being in this situation and having read extensively on the subject out of sadness for my own lot in having to deal with HCBM and dysfunctional MIL and also out of a morbid fascination, I have decided that there is a clear type of man who ends up in these situations. He is usually passive, easy-going, and has a domineering mother. Perhaps, the domineering mother is the most important trait, because this hapless man doesn't realize that the behavior exhibited by BM is not normal and he should not be expected to put up with it. 

Survivingstephell's picture

My thought was thank God he told you about the dress making you look pregnant. Can you imagine the tongues wagging ?   Brutal honesty is preferable to me also.  No wondering about thI he. 

SM12's picture

I'm sure there is a moment in all our lives where one decision changed our whole lives.   And sadly I knew I was making a mistake marrying XH.   I just remember a week before the wedding thinking to myself that I was settling.  Sadly my parents were never ones to push their kids to ever leave the small town we were in.  I wanted to leave so bad but didn't have the guts until much later in life.  
 

Dh, however, had the perfect chance to get out and didn't take it.   I don't know too many details because DH is very vague about it but I do know a bit.   He and BM met over sports.  Both athletic and loved basketball.  BM was a very unattractive tomboy and DH wasn't really a looker back then either.  They dated for at least a year before they got married.   Then about a month or so into the marriage something big happens and they separate for a few months.   Dh starts dating and BM begs him to come back.   The only thing DH would imply about that time was that BM was a spoiled brat and he sent her packing back home to mommy and daddy.   Sadly he let her return after a few months.   He probably needed his laundry or dishes done.  Haha   Too bad he didn't stick with it!

Thisisnotus's picture

Oh my!!!

my MIL actually apologized to my DH last year....MIL basically forced the marriage to BM. They had been dating for like 8 years and DH didn't want to marry her.....BM and MIL teamed up on him and he proposed.

DH said that whole week and day of the wedding he was wanting to call it off but just couldn't.

So BM and DH we're together for a total of almost 25 years......MIL told him how sorry she was and that she never should have forced his hand.

tog redux's picture

DH stupidly knocked up BM before he knew her well, you know, the old "birth control fail."  He stayed with her because he swears she was not crazy then. (Even though he found out when she was 7 months pregnant that she was still married to someone else, not sure how that didn't register as crazy). She got a quick divorce.  She was then pressuring him to get married, and he finally succumbed when SS was around 3. Shortly thereafter, everything started going downhill and she was having affairs before they'd been married 3 years.

Toxic women move fast, secure their partner, and then lose interest.

strugglingSM's picture

DH will also tell me that BM "changed" after they got married, but I think really, he just wasn't paying attention...

tog redux's picture

It is typical for personality disordered people to be able to hold it together and seem wonderful until they marry - then something shifts in them. 

notsobrady's picture

My DH really made some stupid mistakes and was a bachelor for a very long time. He really had his stuff together which really baffles me that he fell for BM...I've asked him many times How in WORLD did he end up with her. But DH was a wild child, still is to some degree. But definitely more manageable and responsible now.

He met BM and thought she was really cute, they had a few mutual friends. They dated for what sounds like 2 months and according to him, he then realized she was "crazy" and broke it off with her. Didn't call her, didn't return any of her messages and in his mind she was history. Some time went by, not sure how long...So he's out one night with friends at a bar and she's there. They chat, one thing leads to another and they wind up in bed. Yes, alcohol was involved (not a shocker). So he has his "one night stand" and goes on with life. She shows up a couple months later with a positve pregnancy test, at his work. He went bananas from the sounds of it and really showed his ass. He had no relationship with BM whatsoever. She literally popped up out of nowhere. DH said she told him she was on BC and he was the dumbass who didn't use a condom. For the last 19 years BM has made his life a living hell.

And thats the short story...

 

advice.only2's picture

DH and Meth Mouth we're dating when he moved out of state for work.  The relationship should have dried up but Meth Mouth mysteriously gets pregnant and it's DHs or so she claims.  DH did the right thing and married the hag.  She likes to pretend the baby was born early but they were married and four months later here comes Spawn.  DH still swears she had the baby early....sure sure. 
 

CLove's picture

At the time he met Toxic Troll, he was into some bad things, and so was Toxic Troll. Thats what happens when your living the rock star lifestyle and doing crazy things, you hookup with someone crazy. He sais that she pursued him when she was living with another guy (see my blogs, hes knife guy) and he was living in his mother's garage.

He swears the first 15 years were good. But then I hear stories of her insane jealousy and her digging her nails into his neck, her alcoholism and throwing things and being destructive. I think hes the optimistic, rosy glassed, wanting to see the good in everyone, make everyone happy and avoid confrontation guy.

They had 2 children, unmarried and he said that Toxic Trolls father pressured him to marry her so they married once at the courthouse and had a ceremony at his sisters house. He told me that it was stressful for him, everyone got really drunk and they argued.

It seems Beaver and Toxic Troll set their sights on their men and chase them and then want to control them, even after divorce. Troll still acts like they are still married and asks him to do things for her...not related to kiddos.

 

halo1998's picture

oh come fix this for me bs....DH was all like ok and then brought me along.  BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH..she suddently didn't need his help.

CLove's picture

She doesnt do it as much because DH likes to pull the ole "my wife doesnt want me to....isnt happy about..."

Except (I dont know if you read my blogs) that time back in march right before her last spousal support payment - after 3 years and 11 months - she threatened to take him back to court and up the spousal and up the child support if he didnt work on her car before she would be taking a trip (right around start of lockdown!).  She called him "pussy-whipped, sad, and pathetic. Called me controlling.

LOL. As if he really wants to do anything for her not required by court.

I told him whatever, if he has to work on her car to avoid upping child support, fine. Just another 3 years and 11 months to go and no more puppet strings to yank on. I did some research, and he is paying on the low side...pre-covid. Hes lost hours so perhaps now she would not be able to up it.

Yeah, the Troll just likes to sit back and pull those little strings she has attached to the little DNA hooks, er children, that are firmly embedded in him.

halo1998's picture

that story about the car.  Aren't we always controlling when DH's say NO.  WE too have just under 4 years left...SD will be a freshman this year. 

thiscantbenormal's picture

DH's friend set him up with his trailer park neighbor (BM). 3 months into dating she gets pregnant (the birth control failure line - the pill is as reliable as the mouth it goes in). About 6 months into dating he weds her and in the same month buys a house for them to live in.  MIL gets upset anytime DH says he married her out of obligation instead of love.  

Speaking of gullible men. DH believes pregnancy tests work the day after conception and refuses to tell me who told him that.

thiscantbenormal's picture

I've dated handful of men that wed women within 6 months of dating. I obviously don't have whatever they had to be raced down to the altar.   

One guy's story was she tagged along with a friend that was down to see her boyfriend (his roommate). She liked him and planted herself there on his couch.  Didn't go back home.  So he was like okay, you're fun and stuff and just went along with it because hey there is someone to sleep with without putting any effort into it..  Pregnancy comes shortly after, a supposed miscarriage then grief then the urge to fix that by getting pregnant again. Then marriage. And 5 kids later he is miserable AF.