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And it begins....I'm sensing SD will nope out of here soon

halo1998's picture

DH had his conversation about school/grades with SD.  

The Highlights from Wednesday's I got from DH.

1. This year is HARRRDDDERRRR. DH told her yes...its harder its called your a Junior and it gets harder as you go.

2. Its just one class I'm failing. DH..nope its 3 so that leads me to think its something else outside of school affecting your grades. 

3.  I don't want to take my ADD meds, they make me feel funny. DH...ok yes we discuessed that at the Dr's.  He gave you a new prescription that you haven't tried.  Also, do you want to feel a bit funny for a little while and do well or not feel funny and be failing.  Its your choice.

4.  Why can't I see my boyfriend during the week.....waaaaaaaaaaaahhaaaaa.  DH because its obvious you need more time to study since your not on your meds and your grades have plumented.

Fast forward to today..she has a test in one of the classess she is failing in.   Dh went in numerous times last night to get her to study.  

DH gets a text from SD...and verbatim

SD "I'm having a really long panic attack and idk why but mom chose to pick me up."

Dh's response...  "Well luv u hope you feel better, are you getting the hamster"

SD..."luv u too, No I'm going home"  

People of steptalk this is how it started with GWR....he would have a test or something not study and then suddently "be sick".  Beaver would pick him up and be all "oh you poor baby....I'm so SORRRRYYYYYYY that <insert DH's name> made you go to school.  (side note..Beaver will not refer to DH as their Dad and makes them call him by his first name when they are with her)  I don't buy the IDK mom chose to pick me up ...more like SD asked and Beaver readily agreed.

I predict by February SD will not want to come here because she will figure out Beaver will let her come home and not require any type of effort in school.   DH is honestly tired of fighting this fight with his kids.  At every turn Beaver counters him and I do understand it.  DH is weary and is ready to drop the rope. we have this stupid hamster here.  I "suggested" to DH that we drop that sucker off at Beaver's later today. He agreed either tonight or tomorrow morning.


advice.only2's picture

Sorry but reality is your DH has only been actively parenting for only a few weeks, months at best.  So saying he is tired of fighting just shows how easily he gives up on stuff.  I had a counselor that used to tell me “You can’t give up when it comes to parenting Spawn.”  My response was always “Yes I can, she’s not my kid, I can do whatever I want.”  When my DH had to actually start being the parent he “gave up” and “quit” within six months because it was “hard”.   Your DH gave up the act of parenting because you were no longer doing the heavy lifting. 

halo1998's picture

I think that DH has tried to parent but I also agree that for many years he was checked out and didn't form a solid relationship with his kids.  Regardless, I can't imagine that its easy to lose your kids....even if its partly your fault.

In other ways, DH has spent a large portion of our marriage trying to counter Beaver...we were in court every year for a solid 13 years.  

I do understand his being weary of fighting for/over the kids.

CLove's picture

Husband has mentioned many times that when it comes to SD16 SMPS, he just "doesnt have that spark anymore", due to the constant backlash from Toxic Troll. Ive started saying recently "dont give up. Keep going its just a little further, then she gets to fail on her own if thats whats going to happen."

I dont know why these "mothers" decide that failure is ok. My skid is like yours. She will get "sick" and TT will keep her or whatever and then not even bother to call it in. NOW, shes got so many absences they sent a "truancy report", and now shes got three classes that shes in peril of failing.

I told Husband "last time I offered to take Skid to saturday school she got snotty. Im not taking her to saturday school - you and Toxic Troll can figure things out and rearrange your schedules...Im not doing it".

Good for your DH that hes at least trying, and then also good that you are having your boundaries. I noped out of caring. School-gate 2.0 is happening and Im not at all involved. I make "noises" ohhhhhh. hmmmmm. ok. The mean math teacher actually is fair and cares, and is giving up her breaks to help kids. The crazy counselor was actually in the right and just wants skid to have the requirements to graduate...

halo1998's picture

and honestly not a whole lot I can do to influence the situation.  For that reason I'm out.

I've stopped telling DH to not give up, etc.  I have done that all along and maybe I shouldn't have.  Maybe I should have just let things go and let DH do what he was going to do.  At this point I just empathize with DH and ask how he is dealing with it all.  

SD teachers are the same..they care, they want to help but SD won't get help.

Harry's picture

IfBM is not on the same page as DH is on. It's just not going to work.  Your DH can't now with SD being 16 ish to start hard parenting.  She been BS ing her way for years.  It's going to take time,, love,, committment,, to get SD back on track.  
Unless she takes her ADD meds you will get nowhere.   So first he must get her to take the ADD medication, everyday have  to keep track of the pills ...  Then make sure she does  her homework and study every night 

halo1998's picture

SD used to come over every morning before school even she was with Beaver and DH would have her take her meds.  Now SD doesn't come over and won't take her meds if she is at Beavers.  Same thing with homework..Beaver thinks homework is "stupid" and gosh darn it...why should her kids do it.  It takes away from their time worshiping her big butt.

So..DH is really in a no win situation 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

This is one of the suckiest parts of divorce - trying to parent well when you're up against the clarion call of the rotten, permissive other parent.

It's just a sad probability that when you breed with a low-quality person, it's going to rub off on the kids - especially when it's the mom who's trashy.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I may have, in the messy early days of disengagement, told my DH that "I wasn't the one who stuck their d!(k in crazy not once but TWICE, so he needed to handle his offspring". 

I don't regret saying it, either. I'd been nice for many years, and it had gotten me absolutely nowhere.

Rags's picture

is later State.

Cut em off at 18 or HS graduation..... or forcibly emancipate if they drop out prior to 18.

Parental support after that is earned via reasonable behavior and resonable performance.

I have a long term friend who forcibly emancipated his 17yo daughter for failure to comply with family standards of behavior and for failing to comply with school attendance and behavior requirements. She was an honor student but was smarter than everyone else including every adult in the school. So... she was out when her father initiated the forced emancipation.

My own experience, though it only last a very short time was when I was 16.  I had been an honor student up until my sophomore year of HS (my first sophomore year of HS) when I flunked all but one class the entire year.

At that point my only choice for my second sophomore year and the rest of my HS career was militarty boarding school.  I spent the entire summer between my sophomore years brooding.  My mom and I were due to leave to take me to Military School the day after my dad flew back overseas to our home.  While we were waiting at the gate I informed my parents that I refused to go to Military School. Mom and dad gave each other the look, dad opened his brief case, pulled out the checkbook, wrote me a check for $500 handed it to me, told me that was the last support I would receive, I was 16 and did not have to continue in HS.  He then told me to write to my mother when I found a job and a place to live.  I sat there staring at the $500 check for about 5mins, handed it back and said "Okay, I'll go." Though not legally, I was forcibly emancipated for about 5mins. It scared the shit out of me so badly that I finished HS as an honor student and at the top of my graduating class.

Not that the lesson was perfect. I had a few struggles with focus once I started university, but even that eventually worked out as I gained maturity.

I suggest a visit to the following. Take your Skid. It will be a huge eye opener.

It worked wonders for my Skid. As Military School worked wonders for my father, me and my little brother.  SS was there a year and a half. It was a huge eye opener for him.  There is nothing quite like going for a campus visit and the kid then watching as parents drive off into the distance leaving you at Military School. That is how my GPs did it with my dad. My parents informed me I was going, my brother asked to go, and his mom and I informed SS that he was going.  

The kids who have no clue that they won't be leaving with their parents tend to have the most notable stories of day one at Mil School.


Military Schools now days are co-ed.  They work as well for young unfocused females as they do for young unfocused males.



thinkthrice's picture

Is on target.   The Gir, not unlike Beaver as they all read off the same script, encouraged truancy as well and didn't require homework, classwork or attendance. Yet she puts on the MOTY act and makes excuses for the ferals (because the divorce) patent pending. 

Oh and that "call dad by his first name" thing is a classic PAS tactic.  First implying that their father is not their real dad and secondly, that the BM is the "real" parent-- their father is no more important than some random person on the street and at the same hierarchical  level as the kids-- actually lower.  The Gir used to pull this one. 

When there is a race to the bottom between two warring parents to see which household can be the most permissive., nobody wins.   

When one parent comes to their senses (usually after SM disengages after doing the parental heavy lifting) then there is almost a giant magnet pulling the now fully ruined skids to the house with no rules (BM's)

And Chef mated/bred with the Gir ON PURPOSE (all planned children) THREE FRIGGIN TIMES! (despite realizing it wasn't working out after the FIRST one).  Talk about the definition of insanity!