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So about SD and MA...I have made some decisions

halo1998's picture

Thank you to everyone that resonded etc...


Here is what I have so far...

1.  I will give MA the last 3k for her cosmetology school.  It will be a gift and I will not look back. I have the money so its not a hardship.  This way I can wash my hands of them both and know I tried to do my part.

2.  I will take the darn hamster and put it into the spare room where I can feed it and not look at the pig sty.  That way I will no longer have to see SD's room or have MA deal with it.  Plus the hamster will get more sun in there.

3. I am disengaging from SD...I will not ask about her cosmetology school, etc.  MA will need to deal or not deal with that situation.

4.  I'm going to work on my DS to move out of the condo we bought.  That way there are less ties between my kids and MA.  Less mess between MA and I.

5.  I'm going to tell MA..I will watch tv with him till after Jeopardy. After that I am going to do what I want to do....I'm not catering to him anymore.  I understand he needs to numb/zone out since he can't deal with this stress/anxiety etc.  However, I do not deal with stress/anxiety that way and just sitting is killing me inside.


JRI's picture

We all make these deals with ourselves.  Yours sound reasonable.  Hang in there, Halo..  

advice.only2's picture

1. I disagree but I understand why you are doing it.

2. I wish this had been done sooner but understand why it wasn’t and I’m glad you are there for the little guy/girl.

3. Agree with you on this, she is an adult now and the two people who spawned her need to step up.

4. Not sure I agree, unless you are planning to sell the property or move MA into it lol.  Seems unfair BS is being punished because of other people.

5. This sounds reasonable, there is no reason you should have to placate a grown man his whole life.


Rags's picture

you caved. You are drinking the guilt Kool-Aid, cutting a check, and dealing with the Hamster. Instead of planting the giant NO flag on a hill and defending that to culmonation.

There is way too much reacting and changing in you rather than them having to deal with your foot up their asses and them complying with your demands.

Do not waste your money.

Study: Cosmetology Schools Yield Poor Student Outcomes

Rags's picture

Burning $3K seems a strange gift. More a waste of the time it took you to earn it than a gift.

Though it is your call of course.

AlmostGone834's picture

The poor hamster needs someone to take care of him. Thank you for being that person. I couldn't sit by either and let an animal suffer. 

In the future, put your foot down and say no to anymore lazy skid pets. Any and all pets in the house are only the ones you bring in. That's why I wouldn't let LI get a small pet. Only DH and I's pets 

halo1998's picture

since I knew it would end up like this.  I got overrulled and it was supposed to go back and forth...but with SD's job etc that was proving to be impossible.

Yesterdays's picture

Big surprise she couldn't take care of it eh. That would be impossible to bring the hamster back and forth. I think moving it out of her room was a good idea so you don't get stressed by going in there.

My step son had the grand idea of buying a pet bird for his mom's house  and then next thing you knew he didn't have the bird any longer.. 

MorningMia's picture

If you're investing in SD's education, why not fully engage rather than disengage--meaning hound her about going to school, check in re:how she's doing, get on her about job hunting, and, most importantly, choose a date when she needs to be fully employed and independent, ie. move out. 
I'd also rehome the hamster. 
What is it with guys and TV? My DH is fairly active, but when it's TV time, my God, that can go on mindlessly for hours. And why do they think we're interacting with them if we sit there like robots and watch the same crap just to keep them company? It's a great idea for your own sanity to limit that for yourself. No need for you to join him on the ADD/depression train. (My DH is definitely ADD; around 7 pm every night we go our separate ways/different activities until bedtime. I can't watch the same crap over and over. He misses out on beautiful summer evenings among other things.)

halo1998's picture

and the I get..."I am spending time with you"...

Uh..staring at the TV is not spending time with me.  That is just sharing space..and I can do that with a stranger.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

They are really sweet and they have little personalities and soul.  Thank you for taking care of it.  They need an appropriate sized wheel, a sand bath (thats how they take a bath, in sand) and a good six inches of substrate that they burrow in and some hides.  They need fresh fruit and vegatables besides hamster food and their food should have some dried meal worms in it for a protein source.  They need the light off in their room at night.   

halo1998's picture

I took over because the poor thing was just getting hamster chow....and I felt bad.  

Now...she gets fresh fruit/veggies 4 times a day and the dried worms.  :)  

Sadly she is around 3.5 years old and I think has developed arthritis.  She will enjoy what remaining time she has....

For the record..I did NOT want SD to get the hamster.  I knew it would go this way...its cool for hot second and then she gets bored and won't deal with it.  I voiced my objections and got overrulled.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Glad you're taking care of the hamster. Poor little thing needs someone to give food, care, and lovies.

I don't remember what MA stands for, but I keep reading it as My A$$hole... *blush*

halo1998's picture

Since he avoids any and all negative emotions, conversations, etc.  Cause you know if you avoid doesn't exist.  (Nope..not how that works)

I've come to realize that my "hit it on the head immediately" goes against MA's..stick my head in the TV and hope it all goes away attitude.

Yesterdays's picture

My ex was an "avoider* also and it always felt like a cat and mouse game. The more I pushed the more he ran. 

Merry's picture

That sweet little hamster will be SO happy. I liked Ss's dog and didn't mind taking care of that goofball. But SS is a responsible pet owner.

Think of the $3K as the price of your sanity. If that's what you need to do to get to a place of comfort, do that and then NO MORE.

I need to stop with the mindless tv too. DH is recovering from surgery and illness and I've been hovering. But he's much better and no longer needs babysitting. He'll complain of being lonely but his only solution to that is to have me in the same room, staring at the box. He doesn't want to do anything else. And I wonder why I'm crabby all the time. 

halo1998's picture

I have paid a whole lot more to obtain peace...i.e. my divorce from the VI.  So this is just a drop in the bucket for me.  This will strike MA more than anything..since his meat shield and advisor to all things kid related will now be shutdown.

halo1998's picture

I do realize it will in all likelihood be squandered by SD.  I'm ok with that.  If I give the money...then I cannot be used as the scapegoat for SD not getting a trade education.  

I'm taking myself out of that loop...MA (aka DH) will not be happy as he likes to use me as his meat shield for all things kid related..but I'm not up for that anymore.

Ah..MA is very fond of saying..."We drew a line in the sand...and xyz is in the past."  That is about to bite him in the rear because that will be my answer "We drew a line in the being your shield and whipping post for all things skid and Beaver related are now over. That is in the past. "


Yesterdays's picture

That seems like a good way of dealing with that and I can understand the reasons. Sometimes it is easier that way. As far as anything else about the school she has her dad to lean on. You can sit back from the side lines having done your part.

And hopefully be done with the Beaver shenanigans.... Crazy stuff that we have to deal with... And yes I sure do hope that you are not placed in the position of having to take on stress and drama for everyone else's business when everything goes astray.. Because it feels like you've been the glue holding it together in a lot of cases while your husband avoids anything "stressful". Well ya.. Screw that logic anymore.