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A Monday chuckle...ugh.

GSF300's picture

Happy Monday-

Little laugh-- if you read my other posts my SO's  Ex was living with his parents.....yeah well heres the good news and the bad news.

Good news- She moved out.

Bad news- She moved directly behind his parents, not miles people FEET. Freaking feet away.

YAY. Like I'm not already struggling with finding my place in this relationship as it is. She wont go away- at all.

This morning I pulled into SO's parents place ( SO's mom is daycare M-F) and BM's car is there..lovely. I wasn't aware I was having my "first encounter" with her today. I walked inside was greeted by the dog and they are sitting at the table having coffee together.   BM is very nice, we get along...and it wasn't awkward surprisingly. I just felt like I didnt belong there... "the babysitter" was just dropping off...one of those things.

I asked BM how the move went (LOL since she had so far to go) and she starts talking about how SO's brother is going to help her put a few things together. And the dog was getting wild and she calls him by his name of course and still adds SO's last name. Its the little things like that...I told my SO its like they are still married. And I am the happy helper. I dont know how I fit in with this, he says it doesnt matter you fit with me. Well right now I don't even feel that. All Saturday morning  my SO's daughter kept saying "mommy and daddy" and SO's last name. And Mommy with SO's last name. Drive the knife deeper, shes only 2 so someone keeps saying this to her. Shes just repeating things and she is quite the talker. I respond with something nice or positive. I dont know what I am suppose to say to that.

I can say as sad and weird as I feel right now I did well, I was pleasant,friendly and when it was time to go I kissed that little girl good bye without hesitation and went on my way.

I hate being blindsided by shit. And i've just had so many ups and downs lately. This was not how i wanted to start my week. Just not in a good place lately. Sorry if I rambled too much. I'm glad I can come here to vent.

Comments

strugglingSM's picture

Yeah, that is way too close for me. Doesn’t your SO realize that if he ever wants to have another serious relationship that he needs to make space for that person to be in his life? Right now, BM is still taking up the space where his SO should be. 

All these people should think about whether this person would still be so enmeshed in their lives if a child wasn’t involved. It’s nearly impossible to move on from a romantic relationship if the person is always still around and you shouldn’t have to stay in a romantic relationship forever just because you have a child with someone. If that’s the case, we should outlaw divorce for parents.

I have so many friends who divorced without kids and neither they, nor their families even know what the ex is up to, having kids shouldn’t change the dynamic that much. People need to be allowed to move on and their families should make space to allow them to do that. 

DH’s family used to invite BM to family events and probably still would if DH hadn’t objected. Now MIL just goes behind DH’s back to hell BM, which isn’t any better, but at least saves me the trouble of interacting with BM.

GSF300's picture

I appreciate all of the advice, I really do. Its nice to know I have a safe place. I've beaten a dead horse with how many times I've told him I am uncomfortable with all of this. And this isnt normal. He doesn't say anything to them because he doesnt let it bother him. "It has nothing to do with him". I get it, its all on BM and MIL and they are running the show. And he doesnt want to be involved with it.

The top priority thing- I've said that too...I havent felt like that. There was no honeymoon stage its been balls to the wall bullshit. I am just waiting for things to change. Waiting things out hoping for the best. But there is moments and days everything is perfect, everything feels right. When we are alone and when his daughter is there. I treasure those moments. And i think thats what keeps me hanging on.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

When the Family of Origin is dysfunctional, the man will be damaged, too.

I'm not at all surprised your SO is divorced. You're getting a clear view of the woman who raised him, and it ain't pretty. She's a boundary stomper who meddles and likes control, so it isn't surprising that her son isn't able to recognize the need for or draw healthy boundaries.

There's no room for you because your SO is unwilling to buck the system he grew up with. He is fine with it because he's used to it. You're on the outside looking in, trying to assimilate but your spider senses are telling you something is off because it is.

My DH also grew up in a family of poor boundaries where he was marginalized, both as a person and a father. He too took the path of least resistance, and his relationships with his children suffered for it.

If your SO stands up to his ex and his mother, there's a chance he can solidify his position as a father and a person worthy of respect. If he doesn't, his daughter will grow up thinking little of her father and go on to stomp all over boundaries, too.

You really should try to stay out of this mess as much as possible and not get sucked into helping with parenting at all. Live your own life, have your own traditions, and avoid the crazy at all costs.

lynnief's picture

I feel you. BM is clinging to my SOs parents as if they are her own. There are so few boundaries with her, it drives me bananas! 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why are you doing drop offs? You have told DH the situation makes you uncomfortable, and he has said he doesn't care how it makes you feel. So quit doing them. Why put yourself through that 5 days a week? Let him deal with it.

GSF300's picture

Its only 2 days a week, and its so the little one can sleep in longer. He works an early shift. I don't feel weird dropping her off, its just coming to terms that I will never really be apart of his family. And monday was definitely an eye opener.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If you quit enabling him in any way that pertains to the dysfunction (including transport of his child to Crazy House), that will be a step towards you detaching from the unhealthy dynamic.

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

It is more than you not feeling like you are part of his family - it is him not caring that you feel that way. He is doing nothing to facilitate things so you might feel part of the family - nor is is doing anything so you don't have to be in the situation to feel that way.

I stand by my advice - quit doing dropoffs. Why put yourself in a situation that makes you feel bad?

GSF300's picture

In all honesty he doesnt want me to do drop offs. Even though it is his child, i still want to build OUR relationship like we are a team no matter what it is. Thats why I continue to do it. This morning, I dropped off at his mothers house- quick-painless- hi-bye. And i was out the door. And I didnt feel any sort of way about it after I left. Now if something ridiculious happens, yes i will stop all together. This is my last attempt to be involved. Him and I are on the same page with that. Smile

CLove's picture

Will not sustain you long-term.

Then-SO-Now-Dh - he would not stand for that, and his family cannot stand the BM. Thats way too close and comfy. And the daughter is definitely repeating things she hears!

Listen to your gut - your instincts are spot on - and its not too late. If your SO isnt considring your feelings now - and you havent even had that delicious honeymoon phase - well sweety - it doesnt get better over time. This is as good as its going to get.

Our BM has no respect for our boundaries and my boudnaries - she violates them all the freaking time. DH has even thrown me under the bus and told her that I am not happy with him helping her. But hopefully now, its been  over 4 years, hopefully now, its gotten through her big dumb thick head, that he isnt her husband anymore, she needs to find her own dude.

If you decide to stay, hopefully she will find her own dude and move on in her life.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

BECAUSE HE'S AT LEAST SECOND GENERATION DYSFUNCTIONAL.

These issues are far above your paygrade, and all the wishing and helping you pour into it ain't gonna change a thing.

Pssst: that little girl is going to absorb and be damaged by the dysfunction, too.