Enmeshment at its finest.
Hi guys,
Just need to vent.
If you read my previous posts, BM is totally enmeshed with my SO's family. She went from living with them to moving in the house directly behind them. She is invited to everything and anything that has to do with SO's family.
My SO had his "lay down the law" chat with both BM and Grandma a good couple months ago and nothing has changed. So he decided to remove us from the situation.My SO had it out with his brother as well because of their enmeshment with BM. No one is respecting what he wants. (He understands there will be a relationship but being invited to EVERYTHING, and over at either his brothers house or his parents house every day is ridiculous.)
Everything is backdoored behind my SO. To be perfectly honest we never know where his daughter is. She could be sleeping at Grammys, could be at BM's, could be at his brothers. He is not respected as the parent. BM and Grandma are running the show. (She is still full time daycare) So needless to say he drops off and picks up at Grandmas no conversation nothing and BM leaves him "notes". Mature right?
Apparently Grandma runs around calling her, her daughter and his brother calls her little sister. It makes me gag. BM is leaning on his parents for everything. Her family is a few hours away. How is she a functioning adult if she needs so much assistance?
I can't imagine how my SO feels with all this. Theres no loyality to him. Just kicked him to the curb like he was a piece of trash. Its disappointing. He still talks to his dad but thats about it. But his dad doesn't stick up for him either...he continues to be at BM's beck and call.
On top of all that, his daughter has this new found attitude...and sense of entitlement. SHE IS THREE. The majority of the time she is being raised by two women...so this is also what we are up against. She is spoiled,She gets something new every day or gets treats constantly.
Thats not how we run our household. Luckily I have patience! And lots of it. I know shes little but good grief some of the things that come out of her mouth blow my mind. This has also been discussed with Grammy and BM...but again nothing changes. We have routine, structure and rules to follow in our home. I'm not sure what she does at the other places.
I think half of the attitude comes from not having structure to having to having rules and structure. And she gets frustrated because she doesn't understand. But then there is certain times when I think she does know very well what shes doing. She is such a sweet girl, but once she flips that switch good lord.
I know many of you have had to deal with enmeshed BM's, any advice? Keep doing what we are doing? And suggestions for the little one? I think time and contining the routines and repetion with everything will help....eh.
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Comments
You and SO made your stance
You and SO made your stance clear to his family as to how you feel about BM, leave it at that.
You cannot control - nor have the right to dictate - who is invited to their homes and how they want to run their relationship with BM.
Sure it sucks big time, but they too have the right to decide what they want to do.
They have made their stance clear to you both that they aren't listening.
Griping about it - even if your gripes are legitimate - only makes you unhappy.
Leave it be and let their relationships run it's natural course.
It appears that they will soon discover they are being used, or they like the situation of how BM palms off the kid on everyone else.
As a matter of interest, would you have objected if the child was left with BM's family members?
Or does it matter because this is SO's family?
As to a three year with an attitude, make sure you and SO shut it down in your own home.
Continue to run your own routine in your home, have structure in place because consistency is key within your own home.
Don't ignore or under-estimate the ability of a three year old to manipulate a situation to their own advantage with attitude and tantrums: she knows exactly what she is doing even if she doesn't understand why she does it.
Oh I agree with you. But no
Oh I agree with you. But no one is dictating. And unforunatley that is only the half of it. He was just trying to set healthy boundaries and no one wants to adhere to them. Different strokes for different folks. But moving in their backyard really? LOL Come on.
I still don't understand why the person that served the divorce papers and is screwing her way through all of his friends. Gets the GOLD STAR.
But thats just me being bitchy.
Why? Because BM popped out
Why? Because BM popped out the first and golden grandchild. They very well know BM is crappy, but they probably figure taking care of her is taking care of SD.
Its horse shit, thats what it
Its horse shit, thats what it is.
He gets to set boundaries that involve HIM
His house, etc. Not his parents.
ETA, although I would be livid if my parents did this
Yeah at this point we have
Yeah at this point we have our boundaries. And they will continue to do whatever. It is a total lost cause. Its just very disappointing.
What's your SO's custody
What's your SO's custody situation? Is he 50/50? Is Grandma the daycare on both SO's time and BM's time?
Every other weekend and
Every other weekend and wednesdays. Yes she is daycare M-F and when every BM needs a sitter on the weekends. Or she drops her off at my SO's brothers.
SO's
mom is more interested in keeping a relationship with the granddaughter from golden first family than with you or her son.
Why would your SO's mother
Why would your SO's mother make changes when she's currently getting everything she wants and zero consequences?
Evidently your SO was brought up in a family that lacked healthy boundaries. His mother is very certain of her power over her family and demonstrating that she doesn't care about his feelings or wishes as a parent, so he has two choices: accept the status quo and continue to be marginalized, or take a stand and impose consequences.
I suggested some time ago that your SO stop rewarding his mom's bad behavior by allowing her to provide childcare, and I stand by that now. She needs a time out! He needs to make other childcare arrangements, not allow his mother access during his custody time, and decline all invitations that include his ex. His mother may get upset and try to wrest control back by playing the victim, and that's when he should calmly remind her of his boundaries regarding his child. He's going to have to be very, very firm and consistent with this boundary stomper and will likely need to go No Contact for a while to get the message across.
I recommend you and your SO visit reddit's JUSTNOMIL group. You'll find countless stories of mothers and MILs like his, and you'll see that half measures don't work with people like that.
Yes I remember you suggesting
Yes I remember you suggesting that before. And i did mention that to him. Its just apart of SO's and BM's agreement. He doesn't pay child support just child care until when? I don't know. I've tried to start conversations with him about it, especially down the line for preschool or another form of care. How will you pay for and be able to support our children if thats the route that is taken. Thats a big conversation to continue to get pushed to the right.
They did a basic custody agreement which I don't think was smart for him. But it would be a challenge for her to go back and fight for support because she initiated divorce and signed whatever that he didnt need to pay support. What would be lovely is if she would just move back to her home state and piss off for good. We could still make EOW work and there would be limited MIL involvement. Its to the point SO isn't invited to anything anymore, just BM. And obviously I'm not brought up at all LOL.
Continue sticking to your
Continue sticking to your boundaries and remaining consistent in your rules when SD is there. It's unfortunate that MIL is not considering her own son in all this and it appears that she values maintaining a relationship with her grand child more than SO. Consider it a blessing you both are not invited to any family functions. I can't imagine the f@ckery in being in a situation like that.
I do hope for you both that one day BM will move far away but seeing as how easy her life is having your SO's family around I can't imagine her doing so any time soon.
Thank you, yes your right
Thank you, yes your right keeping to ourselves is going to be the drama free option.