Holiday Aftermath VENT... glad its over but damn....
Leaves a stain and a bad taste in my mouth.
In laws and SS16 just left yesterday after staying with us for a week. So glad they are gone. My MIL drove me insane. She is morbidly obese and does nothing but eat sugar and drink Diet Coke all day while the entire household waits on her hand and foot. I'm 6 mos pregnant with twins, if anyone should be waited on hand and foot it should be me. MIL gets lazier and lazier every year and it really bothers me to witness her kill herself daily with what she consumes. Her health is ailing at a fast pace. She is also passive aggressive and it drives us all insane. She tries to guilt trip constantly. I know she's depressed. We asked her if she's excited about the twins and she said yes and no. Why no? Because she's not going to be around for them. HOW selfish of a response. That's entirely up to her if she's going to be around, she can change her lifestyle. I invited her to accompany me to the ultrasound, thought she would like to get a first glimpse at her grandbabies but of course she had the excuse it was too much walking for her to do. So we offered to get her a wheelchair and her next excuse was that her feet were too swollen for her shoes to come on. UGHHH whatever. This is the same woman that wants to come back and "help me" with the twins when they are born. YEAH RIGHT! how is she going to help me when she's not mobile? I need help running my household more than anything. I need help with meals, cleaning, laundry and my dogs. She can't help me with any of that if she can't even help herself. If she thinks I'm going to pay for her to come out here just for her to hold and feed my babies while I do all the household chores, she's sadly mistaken. Maternity leave is for ME to bond with MY TWINS, not to pay for someone else to do it and also cater to her sugar and diet coke addiction. UMMMM NO.
As for SS, he was just as rude as ever. DH had to remind him to acknowledge me and greet me every time he came over. WHO DOES THAT? shame you have to stay on your teenager about manners. He was a slob, refused to help out around the house or pick up after himself, etc. He only spent about 24 hours total at our house thankfully. He ended up staying mostly at his aunts because he hates being at our house where there are rules, expectations and standards. Plus he can't get high all day at our house. He left all the gifts my family gave him behind, picked out only what he wanted to take with him and left anything else he didn't want. Just an a$$!
I decided to let DH know that after his youngest son turns 18 in 2 years, I will no longer financially support his adult kids. His 19 year old and 16 year old are on my insurance. I told them that they have 2 other parents to provide insurance for them and I'm not one of them. I have insured his kids medically and dentally for 7 years. By the time its all said and done, it will be a decade of me alleviating DH and BM of their responsibility to provide this for their children. But once they are all adults, I'm done. DH flipped out, told me I was evil and said I was just doing it to be an a$$ and a bitch. Really? So I guess I'm only as good as the next burden I take off your hands. Whatever. I told him that its not my responsibility or obligation to insure HIS adult children and its my prerogative if I no longer choose to provide this for his adult children. He said it makes no sense and I have no reason to do this. UHHHHH... it makes sense to me, their not my kids.... and he forgets that I don't NEED A REASON to drop them. I think 2 years is more than enough time for DH, BM and their adult kids to figure something out. I guess the last 10 years of me providing for their kids means nothing. Sad, makes me feel used and unappreciated.
- Grace Galloway's blog
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Oh Grace, what a nightmare.
Oh Grace, what a nightmare. Here's what I'm seeing....
Your MIL is a cow, and I'm not talking about the weight. If she is not physically or emotionally capable of being anything other than a burden, do NOT have her around when you bring the babies home. Guilt trips and hormonal new mothers are not a good combination. Thank her for the offer but tell her that you will not be able to host anyone for 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years... whatever. And make sure your husband sticks to it. Sounds like he has a real issue with manning up. Are these your first babies?
The insurance thing probably could have been brought up at another time. I mean, you have every damn right to say you are not insuring his ungrateful brats anymore but right after the stress of the holidays probably wasn't the best time for that conversation. Bring it up again at another time. Let him know that open enrollment is XX and that you will be dropping them at that time. One is old enough to have a full time job and he can seek insurance through his employer. Depending upon what the younger one does with his life, he can do the same thing. Maybe even let his kids sit in on this conversation so that they are prepared and can ask questions if they don't understand how to go about getting insurance.
Thanks so much! great
Thanks so much! great suggestions! you are totally right! I should have picked a better time to talk about dropping them from insurance. I was just venting and threw that in there too. I will remind him when I'm going thru open enrollment so he can figure it out.
The twins are our first children together. DH has 3 kids from prev marriage. SD21, SS19 and SS16. I have a 15 year old son from my first marriage.
*shudders* this reminds me of
*shudders* this reminds me of another board I used to read. This girl posted once that they had to move in with their mother-in-law who was very obese and would/could no longer climb the stairs. So this lady had set up the dining room (which was only separated from the kitchen by a swinging door) up as her new restroom and she just set a portable toilet in there to do her business. To make matters 100 times worse this girl had a toddler and was pregnant and everyone expected HER to empty and wash out granny's chamber pot. BARF.
OH WOW! that is horrible!
OH WOW! that is horrible! NEVER!!!!!!!!
Oh my good lord. Just being
Oh my good lord. Just being curious... What kind of board was it?
Weddingbee, I used to live on
Weddingbee, I used to live on there when I was planning my wedding.
She said it was going to be a
She said it was going to be a couple of years before she dropped them (when the youngest turns 18).
So, he's right that what
So, he's right that what you're doing now - your reasons for doing it now, and the timing of doing it now - is a b!tch move
I was pointing out that she's not doing it right now.
Just trying to help. Take it
Just trying to help. Take it how you want.
exactly! 2 years notice is
exactly! 2 years notice is plenty of time for DH, his ex wife and the adult children to figure something out. I agree that it wasn't a good look to tell him this after a stressful family holiday, however this notice is more than enough time and a courtesy, just like it has been a courtesy to insure his kids for the last 7 + years.
There is nothing wrong with having boundaries especially with adult children. I will have twins and another minor child to look after and that will be my main priority, just like I have made his children a priority for all these years, but when they are adults, its time for them to help themselves. I'm not beyond helping as I have helped and carried them this whole time, but DH's ungrateful tude is not going to make me want to continue helping. He has to respect my boundaries just as I have respected him and his.
If anyone needs to apologize or give a hug its DH apologizing and hugging me. He's the one that should be telling me lets work something out, thank you for all that you have done when it wasn't your responsibility, I appreciate all of it and I would appreciate it if you would continue to do so, I'm asking you as your husband. Something to those lines. But instead he just resorted to name calling. I see he didn't respond well to my announcement and I get that, but I don't respond well to his attack.
he said he was disappointed
he said he was disappointed in his son's attitude. He didn't believe his son was cherry picking his gifts. He always gives his son the benefit of the doubt whereas I know better. How do you have a stack of gifts in a pile and only take some and pick out certain items from a gift bag, but leave the rest?
he totally agreed with me about his mom.
Donate the gifts and tell
Donate the gifts and tell your family not to buy him anymore gifts. I had this problem at my house, the skids would get gifts they didn't like or want then we would find them left behind. Guess how I fixed it? I don't buy anything for them anymore and now it is no sweat off my back what they leave behind. The next time it happened the kid left like $150 worth of clothes behind that SO had bought them and it was hilarious to me because it finally happened to him and he got a taste of what they were serving up.
I already donated the gifts,
I already donated the gifts, I didn't waste any time!!!!
Yeah its always different when it happens to the bio parents finally. I know its hard for them to accept that their kids are ungrateful but at some point, you gotta call a spade a spade! Yes it is hilarious when it finally happens to them.
I think two years warning is
I think two years warning is very fair
I can see your point, and
I can see your point, and it's a good one, but if the grown skid has a job that provides insurance, shouldn't they be encouraged to get their own through their employer like the rest of the adults in the world?
that's exactly how I feel
that's exactly how I feel FruitSalad704! why should I continue to insure adult skids regardless of the cost? For me its not about the cost and its my prerogative if I want to pay it or not. I made a decision to marry a man with minor kids and I made the decision to help him raise them and provide for them as long as he was responsible and obligated to. I don't feel the need to do so once they are adults. My step parents didn't insure me as a kid. My biological parents did. As it was their responsibility. That's just how I feel about it. I provide and pay for everything for my biological son. My DH doesn't insure him or buy his school supplies or clothes or shoes or any of his needs. I DO! I have my own money plus money I get from my bio son's dad's ssi. His dad died 3 years ago. But all my money contributes to everything having to do with his kids, his minor son and his 2 adult kids. So really its not even and its not equal. And if I wanted to be vindictive I could show him an evil byatch and drop them all now just because I can. The hardest part about this is how DH resorted to name calling. I'm 6 mos prego with his twins, I go over and beyond for him and his family and always have. I catered to his obese mother all week driving her around and running errands for her when I should have been resting. For someone who has always been there for him and his family, I feel really taken for granted and unappreciated.
It will only cost my husband
It will only cost my husband if he chooses to pay for his adult kids to have insurance. He doesn't even know how much the premiums will be because he's never had to price it out since I have always insured the entire family since we married. He got laid off and was on and off of work for a few years so I insured everyone so that we would always be covered no matter what since my job was stable. I've even asked him to price it out and he has never bothered to. They also have a mother who can pay to insure them as well. I just want to be done with carrying this responsibility once they are all adults. The money is not an issue for me, its an issue for him. He makes more money than me. Once he stops paying child support, that money can go towards insuring his adult children now, so its a wash.
If anyone needs to play nice its DH. Especially if he would like me to change my mind and consider keeping them on. By the time its all said and done, it will be a decade of me working with him but when is he going to work with me? consider my feelings in any of this? I'm never beyond helping, as I have helped for many years, but being unappreciated doesn't make me want to continue helping people who are ungrateful and perfectly capable of helping themselves.
So he makes more than you but
So he makes more than you but you have to pay the insurance premiums? Please tell me he reimburses you or makes it up somewhere else! And I'm assuming you're going to insure the twins through your employer since he can't be bothered to research the cost of insurance premiums through his own employer. Ugh. No wonder you're pissed.
uofarkchick, I carry a lot on
uofarkchick, I carry a lot on my check. Insure the whole family, 401K loan to pay for new piping in our home, plus 2 employee lease vehicles, one of which he is driving a brand new 2016 Toyota Highlander. So my check is taken up with a lot and whatever is left goes towards all other household expenses. AND he makes more money than me salary wise with only his 401 K deductions and regular tax deductions. Yes I will insure the twins on my insurance. I'm familiar with my insurance and I prefer to be in charge of that for my own kids.
I have to admit I am salty about how he takes me for granted along with the rest of his family. Its like he holds me to this standard that he doesn't hold BM or his kids to. That does bother me. I wouldn't be so irritated if he just would be understanding and have my back with some sh*t. I know that he will always be defensive when it comes to his kids and his family, I get that, however at some point he has to accept that his adult kids and his family take advantage and not in a good way. He sends his mom money every month because she says she doesn't have grocery money or cant pay her bills, yet she has a serious QVC shopping addiction that she spends all her SSI on. His kids always ask for money, they need gas, they need this or that when they have jobs. It bothers me that he enables his family when they are capable of helping themselves and I'm just expected to subscribe to this way of enabling them? I'm not down with it. Once kids are adults, all bets are off and I have a different set of standards and expectations of them.
I had an Aunt with a QVC
I had an Aunt with a QVC addiction. They will literally spend every last dollar and then put even more on credit. It's like old lady crack.
OMG its really bad. She has
OMG its really bad. She has boxes and boxes of expensive skin creams, lotions, oils and make up. She doesn't even wear make up! She buys expensive handbags. Her idea of grocery shopping is 4 12 pks of Diet Coke, cake, butter, candy and pizza. This woman racks up all her credit cards. she's filed BK 3 times.
he said he was disappointed
he said he was disappointed in his son's attitude. He didn't believe his son was cherry picking his gifts. He always gives his son the benefit of the doubt whereas I know better. How do you have a stack of gifts in a pile and only take some and pick out certain items from a gift bag, but leave the rest?
he totally agreed with me about his mom.
again my timing was off, but
again my timing was off, but I did not deserve the treatment I got, PERIOD. He doesn't have to like what I say or the decision I'm making but to resort to name calling, I didn't deserve that. I can expect respect and that's something I didn't get. He didn't even try to hear me out, he just exploded. He had no problems hearing me out about his mom and his son, but the minute I told him I will not be responsible for insuring his kids after they are 18, he flipped. c'mon. your right this is my husband and my marriage, but at the same token, I am his wife who has done nothing but support him and his kids and I deserve a certain level of respect.
Yes I'm hormonal for sure, no
Yes I'm hormonal for sure, no denying that. I could have picked a better time to share my feelings with DH. The money to insure his kids is not the issue for me at all. Its about principal for me.
I wish DH could see like you do clearly that I had a lot on my plate, was worked to the bone and taken for granted during a time where I needed to be taken care of. I wish he could see that with a lil honey you get a lot of bees. I'm not an evil bitch by any means, I just need some help, some understanding and support. All the things that I'm expected to give to him and I have. But im coming down to my last nerve and I'm barely hanging on.
As for his adult kids, I truly want to be done with any obligation concerning them. I feel its time to cut that cord. If he wants to continue to insure them that is totally up to him and their mother. Not anything I want to be responsible for. I don't subscribe to their way of being, lifestyle or activities as adults. My adult stepson is flailing around, mooching off his aunt who he lives with because he didn't want to live with us after graduation due to our rules and standards. He works one day a week, takes one class college course and spends the rest of his time how he chooses. No direction, no real plan, just living the carefree life without a worry in the world. He is 19 going on 20. His aunt supports him, he pays no rent, she pays for his phone bill, he was given a vehicle by his grandfather, who also pays for his car insurance, he is completely supported financially and has no desire to really seek independence, and why should he, he is given everything and has no responsibility. Meanwhile I'm insuring him so if he needs anything, its at his disposal. I'm not okay with the freeloading life. I don't want to subscribe to that or enable it or contribute to it. His other son the 16 year old is the most disrespectful child I've ever dealt with. He lived with us full time but was sent to his moms to live with her because he was acting up, stealing, lying, cheating, getting in trouble with the cops, failing classes, doing drugs and being disrespectful at our home. His mom kicked him out too eventually after dealing with his antics. Now he is living across the country with relatives who let him do whatever he wants because neither one of his biological parents want to deal with him. I enrolled the family in a different insurance plan just to accommodate his bad son's move to another state because the insurance we had was an HMO for medical group only in our state. SO now I'm paying a higher premiums for this insurance. I'm just over his kids. I don't want to be responsible for providing this to them anymore. This isn't new either, I've felt this way for years and have been counting down until they are 18 so I can wipe my hands of this and put it back on their bio parents. I've been a team player and served my time.
LOL seriously! total ingrate.
LOL seriously! total ingrate. that's what bothers me to the max. He has totally forgotten all that I have done, sacrificed and provided for him and his kids. I've talked to him about his kids for years, he can't relate, he doesn't feel the same way. He is biased. My anxiety was high the week before his family came out to visit, just anticipating the sh*t show and he thought I was being dramatic and negative. He was a total jerk to me when I tried to explain to him that I don't want this stress especially right now. He was not understanding and he was totally dismissive. The next day when he continued to get the cold shoulder, he acknowledged my anxiety, apologized that I felt that way and promised me he would do everything he could to make sure his family didn't stress me out and that it would be a good holiday. That is how he should have come at me in the first place. But in true DH denial Disney dad fashion, he just avoided any and all confrontation. Let his son spend 95% of the time elsewhere so he wouldn't have to deal with him and then let my son, myself and his step dad suffer with his needy, dependent mom, while he found other projects to do around the house or would take naps.
My decision to drop his kids when they all become adults is not new. I was planning on doing it already. I'm over providing for his adult kids. Why should I go out of my way in any way when DH and his family don't do the same for me EVER.