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Had the Talk!

Goldmoon2000's picture

I had the talk with the SD and SS last night and it went really, really well. So well that I came downstairs after talking to them and SO said, "That was quick." It was really a non-issue and I feel silly for stressing out about it now. I went into SD's room and sat down and said, "I want you to be honest with me, my feelings won't be hurt. When you have events like you had tonight, would you like it if (my daughter) and I were there?"

Immediately her face lit up and she nodded. She said, "I really would have liked you to be there."

I said, "The only reason we haven't been coming to these things is because I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. But now that I know, we'll make it to everything we can."

She looked so happy and made my heart melt.

Not so much heart-melting with SS as he just said, "Yep" but that was cool, too. He is a boy, after all, and there was no hesitation. It was almost like a 'duh, why are you asking?'

I honestly think there has been so much drama in this family in the past that it has convinced my SO that everything has to be drama-filled or a fight. He freely admits that because he and the BM fought all the time and she overreacted to everything. He still operates under the assumption that this is how things will be. From the beginning it was 'watch out, this is going to be awful!" and then nothing would happen. He said his older daughter would never accept me and was bipolor and just couldn't handle it...and the first time we met we got along great and now we routinely do things together, just the two of us. He thought the sky would come crashing down when we moved in together, and it was pretty uneventful. Sometimes I wonder if this is why he has not proposed yet. He thinks this will set off the kids or the BM? I don't know, I understand why he would feel that way but...GET OVER IT. Look around and see that she has much less unfluence than you ever thought and that we're all doing fine. Well, I don't know if she's doing fine, but that's really not my concern unless it affects the kids.

So it was a win and now, when the kids have something going on, we'll go to it. It's nice to have that decision made and I feel this will make us a closer family. I'm also glad I asked them. I think it's a sign of respect that I want to know their feelings on things and if I want respect from them (which they freely give me) I need to act the same way.



ESMOD's picture

Sometimes the drama battle is mostly in our heads.  We spend way too much time thinking of all the possible ways things can play out and assign emotions and actions to people that may or may not even happen.

I applaud you for being able to handle this with grace and I'm sure that the kids appreciated you being open and honest with them.  It's nice to know that you are not resented if you are to show up and that they in fact would be just fine with you being there. 

Your tactic of avoiding and/or being civil to the EX if needed is the best path forward.  Always take the higher road.  It may be hard to swallow at times but others will notice who is behaving with grace... and who isn't and they will ultimately figure out where the real problem

Goldmoon2000's picture

Thanks so much, I totally agree about it mostly being in my head (and my SO's head). I learned long ago that he instigates sometimes (without even realizing he's doing it) just because he's used to fighting and my absolute best reaction is no reaction. That diffuses things instantly because he just isn't used to it. The more he gets used to our house being no drama, the more he'll settle in and realize we're playing a different ball game here!

hereiam's picture

It's hard to get that, "It's going to be a fight," response out of their head!

You handled it well.