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DH makes me out to be the evil SM

Goincrazy40's picture

So I recently got it through DH's thick skull that it wasn't fair that I was the only one cleaning this huge house we bought every weekend while the two skids slept all damn day. They don't have any chores because DH can't follow through on any with them. So Sundays became the day that everyone had to help clean. The skids didn't do a whole heck of a lot, but at least they had to to be inconvenienced from what THEY wanted to do for a while, so I considered it a win.

Anyway, last weekend, I was away. I didn't say anything to DH about cleaning the house, but I sort of knew it wouldn't happen. When I got back Thursday, everything looked suspiciously clean. I didn't say anything to DH until this morning when I asked if the skids helped clean last Sunday. He said he didn't know. :? I said how the heck can you not know? You either cleaned or you didn't. Then he said that he vacuumed on Thursday afternoon and that SD dusted. I said, Really. Are you lying about SD helping ? Again he said he couldn't remember. I told him just to stop, that I knew exactly what went on. That no one cleaned on Sunday, and that that was just GREAT because he made ME out to be the asshole bitch who makes everyone clean and he was #1 fun DAD who didn't make them do it while the witch was away. He got mad and said well I didn't feel like it. I said, so you ran around the night I was coming home and did all of the cleaning yourself so I wouldn't flip my lid and skids got out of doing any work yet again.

I said, okay, so since no one (skids) has cleaned for two weeks, are the skids going to get up and clean the bathrooms that haven't been touched for two weeks now? How about the kitchen floor? He got pissed off and said if you want to get them up and do it fine, but I'm leaving. He stormed out of the house and I don't know where he is. Of course, I cannot get those two up, by myself and get them to clean, and he knows that.

I am so sick and tired of living FULL TIME with these kids who do not lift a finger. I told DH three weeks ago that I was done doing the dishes after dinner. He generally cooks. I have the same problem lots of you do with picky skids and I don't want to short-order cook. DH has always cooked and I always did the dishes. However, I am quite tired of having to clean up after a 14 and 12 year old, who stick their plates in the dishwasher (sometimes) and then RUN FOR THIER LIVES for their rooms because GOD FORBID they be asked to wash a baking dish. Two months ago I stated at the dinner table that they had to start taking turns helping me wash the baking dishes and pots. DH won't enforce it and SD helped ONCE. SS acts like he doesn't know how (both kids are in gifted program at school give me break.) So anyway, I told DH I have been the dishes slave for five years and that I'm done. It is their turn now. DH said that EVERYONE SHOULD HELP. I said well when EVERYONE helps, maybe I will help too. Should is his favorite word. He also said maybe we would just go out to eat all the time. I said power to you, I don't really care. I have eaten dinner with them twice since I have gotten back and DH has cooked. I have walked away after dinner and not helped with the dishes. DH hasn't said anything, but I know a blow up is going to occur because he is going to be mad at ME for not doing the dishes. TOO BAD.

As far as the house is concerned, I am not too sure what to do about it. I suppose I could only clean the areas I tend to use, and throw my hands up in the air about the rest. But I really can't stand a dusty, dirty house. DH knows this and I think he uses it against me in the war over letting the skids be lazy asses.

Comments

leslie814's picture

I can relate I do the majority of the cleaning we dont have skids full time though. Well YSD that I don't always get along with knows I'm the cleaner and sometimes tries to leave big messes with the assumption that I will have to clean it later since Mom is coming to get her so she needs to leave. I am the evil one that makes her clean it. I don't care I am over that game. I told her last time she tried that Mom is more than welcome to sit her butt on the couch to wait for her to clean her mess and if Mom is not willing to then there will be no more of whatever it was.

Goincrazy40's picture

DH used to be NCP. The excuse before was always that he didn't want them to have to work the "little bit of time that they were here." Funny, BM made sure they were here all the damn time because she couldn't stand them, she just loved her huge CS. But whatever, I cleaned when they weren't around.

However, I will not clean while everyone else sits on their ass and either sleeps, plays video games or texts. That is bullshit. They live and breathe in this house and I work my ass off all week to pay for half of everything in here.

Delphi's picture

I've found vacuuming while SD watches TV or sits on her butt to be pretty fun - it makes everyone unconformable. Just make sure what you do is LOUD and gets the point across. OF course, that's passive-aggressive - but that's what these men seem to make us resort to. }:)

Delphi's picture

DH needs to support YOU as his wife. He's letting his lazy kids get away with being slobs and not helping you - all the while making you look bad for wanting a normal thing - like, they pick up after themselves!

Either DH starts supporting you and valuing HIS MARRIAGE, or else I don't see this ending very well.

I'm sorry - I can totally relate. I hope things improve for you.

Goincrazy40's picture

LOL! I have tried that! But SD12 will just turn up the TV to sits highest volume, resulting in me yelling at her, and DH yelling at me.

SS14 never comes out of his room (er, hovel) so this wouldn't work on him.

I am currently sitting in my own office/tv room catching up on all of the DVRed TV from when I was away. It is clean in here. I can't decide if I am going to care about the rest of the house today or not. It is sort of clean from DH on Thursday because he knew I would be mad that no one did anything on cleaning Sunday, since he "didn't feel like it." In other words, the hard ass, GoinCrazy40 wasn't home to force them to clean it.

If I go up there and make them clean, it drives home the fact that I am mean, since he didn't make them do anything while I was gone. I hate him for that. He is home now, bu is ignoring me.

moeilijk's picture

Can you turn off the circuits to their rooms/the living room and leave your stuff on? If it's fuses, I'd just remove them. Eventually they'll ask for help getting their stuff turned back on, you can tell them the chores they can do to earn an hour of time.

Or something. But if DH doesn't support you in enforcing 'house rules', then it's like living with really bad roommates you can't evict. So your only choice is whether your exit will be graceful or whether you will go out with a bang.

Goincrazy40's picture

No - I can't do the circuit breaker thing. DH would lose his mind! One time, when SS was blatantly disrespectful right to my face, I was seriously pissed off. I am NOT taking that from a 14 year old kid. DH can and does, that is his decision. So, I changed the WiFi password. It is my Router and I pay for the cable internet. I put the password into SD's phone. DH came down and demanded the password, all the while telling me it was uncalled for. I said I would enter the password into his computer also, as I didn't trust him not to give it right to SS. This was MY decided punishment. What followed was the worst fight of my marriage. So I don't dole out punishments to the skids anymore. It isn't worth it.

simifan's picture

I would be striking. I would clean nothing, except my bedroom & office. If they don't care I won't care. I would wash only my clothes - fix only my food, etc.

Goincrazy40's picture

You know sueu2, you may be right. I do point out to him - all the time - how lazy his kids are. Because it is a truth he refuses to see. It is a part of disengagement I struggle with. I can't keep my mouth shut about what I don't like about his parenting of his kids. I think it is just awful that he allows them to be lazy, and disrespectful. They are not growing up into productive caring people.

But, if it isn't effecting me, I suppose I need to just shut up about it. He cleaned the house. Maybe he cleaned the bathrooms today. If he doesn't want to make them do it and wants to do it for them, then I guess that is up to him. However, it is VERY difficult to know that these kids get away with their laziness. It just bugs the shit out of me.

SS14 runs his mouth constantly about how lazy his BM is. But he is no better. He just expects the world the wait on his Princely Ass. It is so annoying.

alieigh21's picture

I agree make it about how much you are willing to do and not about what they do. I have the same problems with SD18. She does very little to help. I complained and complained and nothing changed. Now I do what I'm willing to do and nothing more. I made it clear to DH that I was not going to work full time and pay for half the household bills and still keep the house clean and do all the cooking. If DH does not make SD help, he can do the extra work.

I had to laugh when DH agreed that if I prepared New Year's dinner for his family he would make sure the house was clean with the help of BD and SD.

I had already asked BD to help clean the day before. BD got up and ate breakfast and picked up, dusted and vacuumed the down stairs. She's smart enough to know that if she starts cleaning before we have a chance to tell her what to do she can chose the chores she prefers. At noon he texted to tell me they were well on their way to having the house clean. Once BD had done more than 1/2 of the work downstairs she went to her room and started cleaning.

By the time I got home the house was clean AND DH was frustrated at SD for her limited help. DH saw, maybe for the first time, what I had been saying all along. SD does not help and makes excuses whenever you try to make her. Because BD was also there and helped, he saw that my expectations were both fair and realistic. SD was given specific tasks but drug her feet, claimed ignorance and did a half ass job. BD with only a request to help get the house clean had saved him 4 hours of work.

misSTEP's picture

Sounds like he is an ass to me. Does he yell a lot? Does everyone in your house yell a lot?

Goincrazy40's picture

OMG misSTEP - YES! How did you know? There is CONSTANT yelling in this house. I hate it.

DH yells instead of disciplining by taking away what is important to the skids. Any Sunday that they DO clean - SS has to be SCREAMED at by DH for an hour before he even drags himself off of his bed. It is so ridiculous, because SS14 learned to tune out DH's yelling a long time ago. Most of the time it doesn't mean anything because DH doesn't follow through on his threats. That is all they are … threats. SS knows how to play the game of waiting out DH … if he does, more than likely DH will just get tired of nagging him and will just do it himself. Or take it out on ME.