My thanksgiving is apparently a "hassle"
We spent Thanksgiving, for the second year, at YSDs house. Just like last year, it was a fully catered affair for over 40 people including BM and her family. There were hired help on hand to handle everything - prepare the food, serve and clean. Her obscenely expensive dishes were set on the perfectly decorated tables. Seasonal flower arrangements and decor were in every room. There was even a bartender. I had come to terms with spending my favorite day of the year with BM. I was calm. I was zen. And I had an unshakeable confidence that next year I would be hosting Thanksgiving in my home, with my family, without BMs family, with or without DH and his family. I could make it through.
Baby SGS, the reason DH insisted we could not possibly host this year and miss his grandsons first Thanksgiving, was upstairs sleeping in his room with the nanny for most of the evening. For the first 45 minutes I upheld my calm. DH had a great time gabbing away with everyone, and it seemed everyone we spoke to had wildly successful children and took very exciting vacations. We have not been on any exciting vacations recently but DH was happy to talk proudly about YSDs recent promotion at work, OSDs upcoming wedding of the century, *so much talk* about SGS, SS's recent international travels, etc. After talking at length about the ever so wonderful skids, when YSDs MIL asked after our DDs, all DH had to say was "Oh, they're fine" with a dismissive wave, and he made a joke about ODD becoming a bratty hormonal teen. That's it. After waiting to see if he would add anything else, I chimed in with their actual news. Annoyance started to creep in that this was all he had to say about DDs, and much more annoyance followed when I really digested the bratty comment. ODD is at "that age" when she is starting to push and test us, and I knew it was a joke. But I also knew the skids at "that age" and ODD a tiny fraction of the blatant, unapologetic rudeness and disrespect we got from the skids, for years, which I remember vividly and which DH seems to have all but forgotten. On top of that I am always uncomfortable around BM and she seemed to be everywhere I turned, smiling, laughing, and looking so satisfied with herself. During the cocktail hour DDs had come downstairs (all the kids were in voluntary seclusion upstairs in YSDs media room) to get something, and from across the room I saw BM talking to them and another kid. Every hair on my body stood on end. Right before dinner DH put his arm around me and said, "Isn't this so much nicer? It's always such a hassle for you. This way you don't have to do anything."
Calmness gone. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I love hosting. I put a lot of effort into it because I want everything to be memorable and amazing. I was already on edge having to be here, with BM, with DH fawning over his perfect adult children who had openly despised me and made my life a living hell for many years when we were first together. I was shocked and a little angered that DH would categorize -dismiss - my years of hosting pretty great Thanksgivings, which ARE are a lot of work, as a "hassle". It felt like DH was comparing our holidays and he thought YSD had figured out the magic formula for hosting and he was baffled at why it always seems like so much work for me. Want to know what YSDs magic formula is? Step 1. Send invitations out. Step 2. Pay people to do everything for you. Thats it!
I hosted our Thanksgiving meal on Sunday for my family and some friends. All 3 skids and spouses declined, as usual. We had a nice time but Sunday Thanksgiving is not the same. Everyone has work and school the next day. Everyone is getting tired of thanksgiving food. The anticipation is gone. And worst of all the entire day I had this nagging sense that everything we did, DH was comparing it to YSDs. He was very helpful getting the house ready and complementary of my cooking efforts, but I could tell he was thinking it, comparing how we spent our morning (cooking, cleaning, setting the table, running to the store, and cleaning some more) to how YSD spent her morning before Thanksgiving (going for a run, playing with SGS, and getting her hair done). When DH pointed out that I had I spilled gravy on my cardigan, he offered to go get me another one, and I wondered if in his head he was comparing my slightly disheveled appearance to YSDs perfectly put together one. This continued throughout the day.
At the end of the meal, just as I had convinced myself that this was crazy and unhealthy thinking and that it was ridiculous to think he was comparing anything, I set out the 4 desserts I had baked, including a multi colored layer cake that had taken many hours to complete and decorate. DH said to the table, "YSD had 15 desserts on Thanksgiving." That was our turning point. DH was tired and he starts saying whatever is on his mind when he gets tired. After everyone had left I told him to go to bed but he insisted on cleaning, and while he was cleaning and I was putting things away he made numerous comments indicating he had indeed been mentally comparing our 2 dinners. Well DH, you are welcome to join YSD and the skids in their perfect Thanksgiving next year. Have a great time. DDs and I, and my family and our friends, will be here.
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Comments
Tell him too bad that he was
Tell him too bad that he was such a poor provider compared to his wildly successful son in law. That if he weren't such a semi-failure (ie not a rock star professional) he too could live that ultra materialistic faux life.
He just sounds like a wannabe hanger on type person.
I actually really like this
I actually really like this response.
I don't mince words with my DH. He has, upon occasion, compared something I have done to something BM has done. Each time, I have told him exactly where he can shove his comment.
I think your DH needs a reality check on how his comments are viewed and how this continued thought process and behavior will result in another failed and miserable marriage.
If he wants nice things, then he needs to work harder. If he wants fancy Thanksgivings, he'll have to go elsewhere because it's your favorite holiday and you WILL host it. If he wants to be dismissive of your DDs, you'll happily walk and let him have standard visitation as to not make them an inconvenience for him. Let him know that you like YOUR life the way YOU have set it up, and right now, he's not adding a lot to it so losing him isn't exactly a world-shattering event.
I need to come up with a
I need to come up with a zinger. I can't use that one because it doesn't fit our situation. But I need to get the message across. We both do well financially and he does push me to spend more money, to take more lavish vacations, to get more help around the house, to enjoy what we have earned. But I have to be the practical one. We have 2 daughters who need to go to college and have weddings and DH will be long retired before we finish paying for any of that. And most importantly the biggest expense we have is enjoying our retirement traveling and not living on a limited income. So I don't want to waste money on things we don't need.
The whole DD thing I was so pissed about. Yes, their accomomplishments are smaller than the skids because they are child sized accomplishments. Yes, YDDs dance team placing in a competition probably is not as exciting for you to talk about as SS and SDIL climbing Everest Base Camp. You can't compare the two! They are in completely different stages of life!
I am hosting next year no matter what.
You are very right about
You are very right about skid's accomplishments not being the same size as your bio's. However, why couldn't he tell whoever asked about your girls that about his younger kid's goings-on and chose to portray them as brats? We have all been bratty teenagers! Why feed on that?
I am so sorry. I hate it when
I am so sorry. I hate it when people judge others efforts to create a welcoming environment.
I remember visiting my aunt and uncle who were dirt poor. My mother was offered a drink in an old jam jar because this was all they had left (come to think of it they were light years ahead of the current mason jar craze!). But my aunt and uncle were the kindest people. A few years later my uncle took his kids to a work Christmas party and visited us afterward. His kids shared their new gifts with us and then my uncle insisted on getting take outs for us all. Then he and his kids left some of the gifts behind because they wanted to share with us.
Maybe remind DH that cooking and cleaning and hosting holidays is what you love to do. Whether you have 15 creative wonders or a store bought pie, it is about the thought you put into it. So in future maybe DH would like to spend TG at SDs place where she does nothing to prepare but dictate who and what and you will remain in your home creating a loving thankful meal. And remind DH it isn't about the glitz and glamour but about surrounding yourself with people you are thankful for and love. If he can't see the happiness this brings you then something is wrong with him not to be happy his wife is happy.
Stand strong. And remember, money can only be spent once.
Thanksgiving is stuffing the
Thanksgiving is stuffing the Turkey while listening to the Macy's Day parade. It's fresh cranberry sauce with orange zest, dh's fresh butter roles. The house stuffed with tables and chairs. (40 guests)
Pumpkin pies and fresh whip cream. It's a room full of conversation and a bit of mayhem. I would never trade it for a catered affair.
People do not get to strip you of your identity. DH may never understand. Take back your holiday. Many hugs.
Beautiful response as are the
Beautiful response as are the others. You just couldn't miss SGS's first TG? That's laughable. It seem like you won't be missed next year so PLEASE do what makes you happy, Mrs. Zipper.
I commend you for spending the holiday with BM and her bratty children but I would never in 5 billion years subject myself to that.
Your SD's Thanksgiving sounds
Your SD's Thanksgiving sounds fake and terrible. Didn't people feel bad for the folks who had to work at her Thanksgiving dinner rather than celebrating with their families? Wouldn't everyone have preferred an actual family meal rather
Than a full on function.
Also, if DH expected me to spend a holiday with BM, he'd owe me big time. That's not a holiday that's a chore.
Of course no one felt bad. It
Of course no one felt bad. It was so extravagant and it was indeed the golden grandson's first TG, don't you know? Dad was so very proud.
Mrs Zipper you must be a
Mrs Zipper you must be a saint! How much more "sucking it up" can you do. This whole celebrating Mothers day, fathers day, thanksgiving with the "first family" can you take? You should have become greek and smashed a few expensive plates
Not to mention the looming royal wedding. I am exhausted for you.
I would be so hurt and livid at the same time the way your DH diminished and criticized your DD's, like he was letting the "first family spawn" know they trump it all.
I sure hope Christmas isn't spent with the royals.
Where is the LIKE button??
Where is the LIKE button??
Thank you! Skids are Jewish,
Thank you! Skids are Jewish, and we will be at my sisters, so no possibility of seeing BM for Christmas.
We do have SSs Hanukkah party coming up and BM will be there but I think I may be under the weather for that one
Can you not tell DH enough is
Can you not tell DH enough is enough no more parties with the BM? Its not like Hanukkah is one day like Christmas. Surely your skids can reserve an evening for just their dad SM and sisters.
Wow, that would be so
Wow, that would be so hurtful. Why does there have to be comparisons. What you described is not typical family gatherings, yours is. Have you told him how this all hurts you.
Her thanksgiving sounds
Her thanksgiving sounds lovely. For her and her family.
I would rather be home with my family than spend thanksgiving with people that don’t really like me. That’s the bottom line.....Had her thanksgiving been a simple Home cook meal or the elaborate one it was....that dose not matter. What matters is you were surrounded by people that do not care for you or care deeply about your kids.
Do your own next year. Just know your husband might not stay for yours.
You are a saint for even
You are a saint for even going. Ugh the disrespect and hurtfulness. I think you are awesome to cook for a party of more than 4 on your own.FFeel good about that(how many times I wish to have my mothers cooking now -she is living overseas for 5 years and remember even her worst cooking disasters fondly).As far as hubs conparing i refer to gubs below--
I just told hubs your story.his response after raised eyebrow:"What a S***head!
I love holidays because they bring the people I love together. I dont go to any function with people I dont like if hubs wants to he can go(he never does my darling).Also we do not have the BMs over EVER(which is awesome)
The first year we were dating MIL decided to railroad me with BM2 on my birthday which is around thanksgiving.Since then I have invited MIL+ss12 and SS6 over( she no cook anyway lol) for thanksgiving(all home cooked aby us together yum) and we have a holiday party for nonfamily somewhere around thabksgiving.
Who the heck wants to see anyone like a BM on thanksgiving?(hubs says: eeewww No! Lol)
I usually do thanksgiving
I usually do thanksgiving Mrs.Zipper's way but often attend dinner that's either partially or wholly catered and has hired help to clear and clean the kitchen, especially if the food needs to be plentiful and kosher. I see the appeal for both sides, especially for many, many people.
I wonder if you, Mrs. Zipper, went to this event wanting to hate everything and were trying to find offense. It sounds like a lovely evening, isnthere anything you enjoyed abiutnit? A good wine, nice side dish, the table looked pretty? Perhaps your DH is one of those people that doesn't connect well with younger kids? Or perhaps he feels more comfortable with his older kids because they share his culture more than the younger ones?
I’d not attend events with
I’d not attend events with BM. I mean I would of course if it’s kids related event such as their graduation or wedding, something like once in a life time event that cannot be missed. But I would NOT spend Thanksgiving with BM. You are a better person than me. No way. No how.
I honestly don't see anything
I honestly don't see anything wrong with SD's Thanksgiving or the OP's. Each person did what they enjoyed doing.
The more you post, the more it sounds like your husband regrets hsving had the younger children. He seems to be over the daddy phase of life. He acts like a man who eager to be an empty nester who dotes on his grandchildren.
If your observation is
If your observation is correct, that's Mr. Zipper's problem and he still needs to treat his younger kids equally. I guess he won't be forced to, but it's the right thing to do.
I would question it in a
I would question it in a totally b!tchy way.
"Why are you comparing your daughter and your wife?"
"Why are you bragging about your older kids but dismissing your younger kids?"
"did you ever think that I enjoy doing things for people that I love, rather than wasting money on having someone else do it?"
I don’t see anything wrong
I don’t see anything wrong with how SD handles parties at her home. Why judge that she got food delivered?
I just don’t understand spending holidays with BM.
mrszipper, I would not worry
mrszipper, I would not worry about Thanksgiving next year and would just do what makes me comfortable - if that means hosting Thanksgiving at my home, I would just do it. Your ysd's Thanksgiving sounds like it was very superficial, as if she wants to say, "Hey look at us and all our money....we are better than everyone." Honestly, if you need to spend that much money on Thanksgiving, a person should think about doing something good like donating their time or money to a soup kitchen or animal shelter during the holidays and not trying to one-up everyone. I bet they have to drive expensive statement vehicles as well.
I quickly read through some of the posts and don't believe you are jealous. The ysd and her family sound like superficial people. Not sure how many kids or gsdkids she has, but I bet they will be raised to be little logo-only wearing spoiled kids, if not already. As far as your DH, I know my DH would prefer to just sit on his butt, watch TV, eat all day and do nothing. If hosting at your home means he has to help or makes him feel like he has to help, he may not be mentioning he doesn't want to clean up or help prepare. By going somewhere else he doesn't have to do anything, but he is too proud to admit that. Just a thought.
The holidays should not be about who can spend more, and who has the most expensive gifts, and who had the more elaborate dinner party.