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That Elusive "Someday"

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Submitted by GhostWhoCooksDinner on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 12:27pm

People just don't get it. Unless you've been a stepparent (especially a stepmom, you JUST. DON'T. GET. IT.

And that's not BAD. It just IS. You don't know what we go through day after day after day. Even then, if you're not a FT or 50% SM, you don't really understand the situation of full- or half-timers.

My mom is a SM, but she didn't become one until her skids were well into their 30s. They all live far away.

My SM only dealt with us EOWE. And our BM isn't psycho. She actually (GASP) encouraged our relationship with our dad and SM.

My sisters and brother are all married to their first spouses and the other parent of their children. Same with my cousins. Same with the majority of my friends. It's the rare person who actually GETS it.

And I don't know ANYONE who's dealing with their DH's kid actually not being theirs and being completely estranged. Then again, my situation is effed up.

Anyway, people keep telling me...

"Your family will gel someday."

"The BM will calm down someday."

"SS14 will appreciate all you do for him someday."

"Faux will come around and realize his mother was wrong and want a relationship with you guys someday."

Maybe our family will gel and feel like a "real" family. Maybe not. SS14 probably will appreciate all we do, but I don't know if he'll ever admit it. BM becoming sane? NOPE!! Faux coming around? highly doubtful.

People don't get it. I'm given these platitudes all the time. Sigh.

I'm just bitching today! Smile

Comments

Amara's picture

Submitted by Amara on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 12:34pm

"Someday" is not helpful. "Someday" doesn't deal with now. It's infuriating. Like these people are dismissing what we're going through by waving their hand and applying that magic word - "someday".

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Submitted by GhostWhoCooksDinner on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 12:57pm

Exactly. "Someday" doesn't help me get through today or this week!

And "someday" might never come. I've been waiting for lots of somedays.

SituationalTourettes's picture

Submitted by SituationalTourettes on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 12:57pm

AMEN! I totally agree!

I'm not supposed to judge other's situations or families or marriages but wow, mention you are a SM or dealing with an SO's kids and suddenly everyone else is an expert on your situation.

I like to think of it as a form of combat or military service from the respect that unless you have been through it yourself, you have no idea what stepparenting truly is like.

omgsaveme's picture

Submitted by omgsaveme on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 1:29pm

I dated this guy a loooong time ago, and we decided to go somewhere and I brought my kids, he brought his daughter who was 12. After that time out, I ended things with him that night. His daughter played mopey the whole time, whined and complained she didn't want to be there, then cried ( bawling her eyes out) and wanted to leave right then and there. My kids enjoyed themselves and didn't even pay her any mind. We ended up leaving and that was it for me. He did nothing but make excuses and did nothing to correct her behavior and I wished him the best but told him it would not work out.

With DH my first interaction was with his adult daughter was meeting her at the mall with her kid and BF and she dragged my DH to a bunch of stores and had him by a bunch of clothes for HER and nothing for her daughter. I ended up walking away from them and walked around with my kids until he was done cause I was in pure disgust. I wanted to RUN but obviously stuck it out.

All I heard was "wait till you guys get serious, things will change" then it was "wait till you get married" then "wait till your daughter is born, he will realize how he is with SD" It wasn't until WELL after our daughter was born, he stopped his crap.

I had a step grandmother who was AWESOME, such a sweet lady. I had a SM who was hell and a vindictive bitch. Ive known some people who were step parents and had great relationships but its seldom. I had a teensy glimmer of what being a step parent to a minor child was and that was horrible, but I don't know whats worse being a SM to a child or an adult. I think theres pros and cons with both cause I can't stand my "SD".

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 1:29pm

I am just glad that "someday" CS will END!
That is all I care about...skid and BM can fry ice otherwise! Smile

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

Submitted by Bio-Step-Mom on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 1:58pm

My parents have been married for 40 years, no children by either of them outside the marriage. My two closest friends; one has no kids but was a stepchild and one is a "stepmom" to 3 adult skids who don't have a relationship with their dad because they are jealous "he did well and their mom struggled". She now has a toddler of her own but has near zero interaction with the skids.

These people try to tell me! :sick:

I love 'em dearly but uhmm...you have no clue! Childless friend is always harping on the single women we know and how they have no clue about marriage because they haven't done it. YES. You have no clue about parenting and much less about stepparenting because you haven't done it.

"well my parents and stepmom..."

YOU WERE A KID. It is great that they were able to shield you from any issues they had as adults, but you don't know shit about what your mom, dad, stepmom went through. Shit.