Need advice adult Step D moved to our town
I need serious advice. My 36 year old Step D and her 2 kids (19 and 20) just moved, without telling her dad or me, to our town 800 miles away from where she has grown up and lived her entire life. Her mom, aunts, siblings and all her friends live in her hometown of Las Vegas. I'm so worried she has NO support system in our town (other than these 2nd cousins she barely knows) she will be expecting to be at our house all the time and I haven't spoken to her in 3 years.
She has NO job or money saved and now staying with 2nd cousins who she just reconnected with. She claims they own a small family business and are hiring her and her 2 kids. I have no idea what this Bz is but can't imagine during this pandemic a Bz can just pay 3 new people a great livable wage.
She desperately wants to be more involved with my husband and our family (we've been married 29 years w 3 sons 17, 23 and 26). Our family is functioning, happy and my older sons are not in house and fully employed, etc. Great guys. I'm launching 3rd son this year and don't want to have any more kids living with me needing a mother! I'm 60 and ready to focus on my husband, business and friends.
Background- My husband dated Bio mom (who was "separated" and had 2 small kids) for only 2 months during grad school summer. She got pregnant, claims my husband was dad (and not her spouse at time) but he never had paternity test. So that's always bugged me since my SD looks just like her Bio Sibs. My husband never lived with Bio mom and she ended up moving to Las Vegas when SD was 1 years old. My husband did not want anything to do with her but he's a good guy so did buy Bio M a house in LV wand paid child support. I got involved when SD was 6 and she was our flower girl in wedding. Step D got pregnant at 16 and 17 and so we've never stopped paying child support in order to help her. But it's been 36 years and I'm now so DONE!
This situation was almost acceptable when she lived 800 miles away. We didn't have to deal with her drama close up. We just sent checks -- actually easier. My husband would fly down to visit her once a year in last 10 years and when she was younger (6-14) we flew her up to our house as much as we could - 4 times a year. But once she had the babies we just flew down to Las V to see them. I didn't want my kids seeing this dysfunctional teen mom and her drama. She was a mess for many years until her kids got into high school.
So she's now come to our town - with no warning- and I'm so stressed. I personally haven't spoken to her for the last 3 years cos we had 2 huge fights over this money issue and I just had to distance myself. My husband texts mostly with her and they have a good - yet emotionally distant relationship. It's mostly about her needing $$$.
She has been so nasty to me (and my husband) any time we put boundaries on giving her money and just treats him like a walking ATM machine. And he's so giving and feels very guilty for not raising her that he just can't say No! (We are currently paying off a car loan she asked him to co sign, that she stopped paying on and just finished paying off a $5,000 loan she racked up with a dentist. We prob help her to the tune of 7,000-10,000 every year and she's 36!!!! She can't hold a job and was recently cutting hair at Great Clips. She's a Very unstable person financially and mentally.
I don't want my 17 year old to have to deal with her either now. He's a solid kid and her kids are also train wrecks for obvious reasons. I don't want to have to be their mother now too - even though they could really use a mature adult woman taking care of them. My youngest has never even met any of them. Just older boys have.
My husband in denial right now and said he's thoroughly depressed she's in our town. He has NO plan how to deal. She hasn't asked for us to pay for a new apartment yet, but it's only been 3 days here, but I just know it's coming. She has terrible credit too so I'm sure a landlord will want a CO signer or Guarantee too.
I'm normally a very generous person I love my kids so much I'd do anything for them. But I don't feel any love for my SD or her kids . So don't think I can fake this if they come over. My husband is on same page that she and her kids will NEVER live in our house even though we have 2 free bedrooms now. That would be a disaster.