So... do you consider this cheating? Or signs of cheating?
For some background- my hubby has access to all of my email/fb accounts and uses it quite frequently. He's nosey and has trust issues, and I don't mind because I have nothing to hide. He can look at whatever he wants to.
This morning I used his computer and his facebook was up. I noticed he had a lot of messages, so I clicked and it caught my eye that he was chatting with a lady I don't know.
Admittedly, tonight I snooped. I guessed a few times and was quickly logged into his account. I don't know who this woman is, but in a choppy conversation he at five separate times tells this woman she "looks so beautiful", "look as beautiful as you ever have", and that she "has a gorgeous figure". Most of these were him initiating the message to her, with a "I just saw your new photo and had to tell you that you look as beautiful as ever. You really are a beautiful woman" and her being like Errr....thanks? In two messages he signs off "luv ya".
I have no idea who this woman is.
Then I also found this, with a DIFFERENT woman I don't know:
HER: Umm, I guess I take it for granted, but... Java?
HIM: Only if it is ok with Glenn that we use his "office"
HER: As long as we don't sit in his seat...
HIM: We better be careful or we'll have to pay him rent.
Sure sounds like a rendezvous was being planned, and that it had happened before as well. It also sounds to me like someone has been trolling for fresh meat.
I don't know why I looked... I would have no solid reason to suspect him of cheating, but I am pretty lax and never ask him where he was or why he was late, etc. But I am HIGHLY intuitive to a level that freaks a lot of people out. Something just said "look twice". So I did.
Thoughts?
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If he is not cheating, he
If he is not cheating, he sure is trying to! :jawdrop:
We've always both been big
We've always both been big flirts, but in the funny kind of way. Neither of these strike me as having that intonation.
Fur, that was HORNY flirting
Fur, that was HORNY flirting
i would be done after reading
i would be done after reading that. i went thru the caller id at an ex's house and saw that he had been called repeatedly by someone named "eugena" and i remember him mentioning a "gina" that he met at the gym he worked at. i didn't say anything, i bided my time. when he called me up one afternoon wanting me to go to lunch with him, i said "well....maybe you and GINA can go do something" and i hung up.
i would let dh know in a casual way that you know. being all calm and casual freaks the bastards out. they expect a raging explosion if they are caught. and you have definitely caught him doing something wrong. i would have a big problem with fdh telling someone else how gorgeous they are and talking about having sex in someone's office. he's a dirtbag.
I don't know why I feel the
I don't know why I feel the need to defend the snooping. I know the looking isn't the issue, it's the what I found that is.
I guess I'm really feeling very shocky right now- I always said the same thing dtzyblnd said- those who are the most paranoid about cheating often are the ones who are out doing it. I just never pegged him for one, he was cheated on horribly. I always just figured he was a little insecure because of that.
Those are pick up lines IMO.
Those are pick up lines IMO. If not, it should be only you getting that type of attention from him.
When caught cheating men lie
When caught cheating men lie and cover their tracks. you may never get the full story, so my advices is to snoop more, try to figure out as much as you can before you confront him. When you're ready to confront him- tell him a little bit of what you know (pretend that you know less than you do) and ask him to come clean. It will tell you a lot to see how he lies or minimizes it OR tells the truth.
I'm an internet stalker/ investigator. Look into it more-- who is she, what friends do they have in common, how long have they been talking, etc. You can even do a few google searches on the ladies. It's better to go into this prepared, chances are he's not going to give you answers, so when you're ready to confront him, come prepared with as much info as possible...
Sorr you're going through this, I've been there and it's awful. your intuition is a strong thing, don't apologize for it or feel guilty for snooping.
Since when do people
Since when do people communicate with colleagues by Facebook? To me, the messages sound like him having a little bit of an infatuation but it doesn't sounds though she is reciprocating. The other thing could also be innocent but it does cross a line. I had a similar situation with SO once and I had to make it crystal clear to him that, for me, texting and messaging and having extended conversations with another woman on-line, had to be subject to same rules as face-to-face contact.
It is a question of loyalty and the criteria should be "how would I feel if I read a conversation like that between furkidsforme and some other guy?". He would be hurt. Therefore, the conversation is wrong.
A week ago I sent a Facebook message to an old friend (because he had just posted a new photo) saying how handsome he looked, as ever. SO may read that but the old friend is gay. SO won't like the message anyway but since the old friend is not a threat, I feel justified in saying that. If it had been a heterosexual friend, I would have worded it differently.
I have tried to stop snooping because every time I snoop, I find something questionable. But when you are feeling insecure, everything is questionable.
I'm taking all of your advice
I'm taking all of your advice and I'm not going to confront him just yet. I'm doing a little searching into who these women are and how he knows them. One is from high school days. (Really? How cliche!)
I also want to get my hands on his computer to see what he's been up to.
Snoop some more, go through
Snoop some more, go through financials, look for patterns. He's already cheated on you financially. Get your stuff together to be ready to bounce if you need to. Drop it on him during counseling.
BTW has your Ss ever had a head injury? The behaviors you describe are consistent with possible head trauma.
Very inappropriate no matter
Very inappropriate no matter how he is going to attempt to spin this. And for him to mention the dude charging rent?? Makes it very much seem like an ongoing thing.
You have to be floored. Sorry this is happening to you. You'd think someone who had been cheated on badly would KNOW the pain and not want to inflict that upon his spouse!
Rule #412: If a man is
Rule #412: If a man is suspicious of YOU and accuses YOU of cheating with no basis in fact, reason or logic, then they most definitely ARE cheating. It's called "projection."
I completely agree with this.
I completely agree with this. Do you want to live the rest of your life with him worrying about where he is when he walks out the door? Who he's talking to when he is on the phone? To me, it wouldn't matter if he was or not. The fact that your gut is telling you something, is enough to walk out.
You need to talk to him now.
You need to talk to him now. If he's doing other women he could get a disease. And what if he does them and doesn't clean up and comes home to you and tries to get you to go down? Some guys really get off on that.
furkids, let me ask you
furkids, let me ask you something. Does he talk to you like that? Does he say "You look beautiful", "You look gorgeous" and "luv ya"?
I'll be honest. None of these strike me as "smoking gun" evidence that your man is cheating. What bothers me is that your man is banging the drum for other women, and that is just wrong. He should be banging the drum for YOU!
There's a group of guys here at work I refuse to sit with because they CONSTANTLY gawk at other woman and make some lewd comments. These are married guys, with daughters the same age as the women they are ogling. No, they are not cheating and maybe they think talking like this is way to prove how "manly" they are. I can't stand it.
No, none of this is smoking
No, none of this is smoking gun evidence. I'm not sure he HAS cheated, but I'm very uncool with the heavy flirtation. I'm a pretty confident and outgoing person. My thought is if he genuinely just meant to say "Hey, nice pic you are looking great!" he could have commented PUBLICLY on the photo. No problem there, he's just paying a compliment and being nice. There's another element to making it a private conversation in order to say it...5 times... and sign off "luv you".
WTF
As others have said, you
As others have said, you should trust your feelings. You are right. He could have paid this compliment to the girl publicly and not privately which suggests that he *might* have been seeking some kind of intamacy with this other woman. Guys are pretty dumb when it comes to this kind of stuff. Yes, I say that with a certain amount of self-loathing. Even if he is not cheating, he probably has not once thought "Gee, maybe my wife might be hurt if she caught me paying another girl a compliment like that."
Check the internet browser
Check the internet browser history. If there is none, he's been browsing "in-private" which is a MAJOR red flag. If he's too dumb to do that, he may have left history of other email addresses, dating site logins, porn sites, etc. You know that your gut is telling you the truth. He never will. I have to say I'd be tempted to start financial planning to screw his sorry ass to the wall. Let him come home to a house stripped bare, and empty bank accounts.
You'd be surprised at how
You'd be surprised at how prevalent this internet flirting crap is. I learned about it in therapy as my DH was an ass. Doesn't mean your DH is having an affair--but his ego is being stroked. Let's hope that's all, you know? He will claim you are overreacting, it's nothing, you're too controlling. Sound familiar? Bottom line is if his childish and selfish behavior is hurtful to you, he needs to stop it. He won't want to. Figure out what it is you need from him, and what you will do if he can't deliver.
I still love my DH, but our relationship is forever changed. Breaks my heart.
Take care of yourself, ok?