UPDATE: How would you reply?
First Happy Valentine's Day!
So a update to my OSD27 texting DD17 "heyyyy sister, I love and miss you and pray that one day we can get our sisterly bond back please tell me where it all went wrong so we can fix it". After reading all the comments on that post (which were very helpful) I took some advice and told DD she should just tell SD how she made her feel and not worry about hurting SD's feelings but just be clear on if or how she wanted to move forward. It took DD 2 days to put on her big girl pants and come up a reply. The text follows (exact words):
DD - hey SD (name) I love and miss you too. I'm just going to be honest. The last time I spent the night with you, you really hurt my feelings. You made me feel left out and seemed mad at me and I couldn't understand what I did to make you treat me like that. At first I thought I was imagining things but when you started acting nice when 3 BS's (names) was asking me what's wrong that's when you started being nice. Then the whole day and half the next day you kept switching up being nice one minute and mean the next. It was weird and uncomfortable.
SD - huh????
DD - what do you mean huh?
SD - I didn't do that. I'm so confused.
DD - yes you did. I was confused too and that's why I haven't been texting or calling because you never acted that way before.
SD - did you show your mom or dad my text from 2 days ago? And what exactly did you tell dad when you thought I did that to you?
DD - why are you asking that?
SD - I just want to know and you shouldn't ask a question with a question
SD - lol
DD - no reply
And nothing else that day via text. DD of course called me and told me what happened. Then sent screenshots of the texts, asking why I thought she responded the way she did and pretended she was confused. I just told her I really didn't know what's in her head but if I could guess she probably thinks DH and/or I put that in DD's head. Now, DD, DH and I know we didn't, infact we have made a point not to discuss SD's issues she claim to have with us to the kids because we didn't want to put them in the middle or adult business but we know DD is not making that up because she's the same hot and cold with us and has been for years. Hence, my disengagement and DH and SD strained relationship.
DD said "I'm just done with her. I still love her but I just don't like her right now. If she want to fix this she have to at least admit she was wrong instead she's asking about ya'll, like who does that" I just lol'd simply because she clueless but on to SD on her own and not having it. She such an old soul I swear. So today out the clear blue, almost 2 weeks later SD texted DD wishing her a HVD. And DD said she is just going to ignore that.
I really just want to block SD's number now from her phone. I actually thought about doing it about a year ago because I had a feeling SD would start in on the games with her or all the kids for that matter but now I don't think I have to since DD seems to be able to handle it herself. It annoyed me a little that she would even stop this low but I'm just happy I do not have to tell DD this is who SD is and has been. I'm just waiting on the other shoe to drop with the 2 YBS's, she knows not to even try ot with ODS lol.
Just wanted to stop in with an update! Feeling a sigh of relief.
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Wow
Keep tough! I worked...you're only protecting yourself.
Yes I did and I'm happy my DD
Yes I did and I'm happy my DD is as well!
I would tell you daughter
I would tell your daughter that unfortunately most people don't apologize for their actions these days. They deflect or deny or pretend not to understand. At the end of the day your daughter's feelings were hurt and those feelings don't get dismissed because the person who did the hurting doesn't think she did anything wrong. Nope. Not how that works. The correct response should have been "oh DD I'm sorry I made you feel that way (whether she meant to or not); I hope we can work through this together so it doesn't happen again and we can reconnect our relationship" ---instead you got the "idk what you're talking about" vibe. So I think your daughter should respond with something like: Well SD regardless if you remember it that way or not, that's how I felt. You asked me where it all went wrong and that's how. I don't know what mom or dad have to do with this but if you want to make a real go at fixing our relationship maybe we can start slow by [insert some trivial time waster like manicures or quick lunch] just let me know when you're up for for it." (this way your DD is leaving the ball in her court if SD wants to honestly try to have a good relationship with her)
Yes, Maxwell we briefly
Yes, Maxwell we briefly discussed the whole victim mentally when DD asked "who does that". And you're right about what SD's response should have been but she clearly isn't capable and unwilling to change her tune right now. I personally think she enjoys the games she plays. Otherwise, she would have never texted DD with this foolishness to begin with or at least apologized for hurting DD's feelings. I asked DD if she wants to fix it and she said she did at first but now she doesn't because SD doesn't seem to want that based off her response. She said once SD got to asking about us and then tried to correct her on how to reply she was done with it. She also said "I didn't even tell my dad what she DID (said that with emphasis)" I told her I did and he called to talk to SD and MIL apparently. I'm just going with DD's flow but between you and I, while I believe SD does love DD, I don't think she will ever have a normal relationship with DD until she and my DH repair their relationship and it's a healthy one at that. I think if SD truly want a relationship with DD she will reach out again and hopefully change her tune but only time will tell.
Tell your daughter it's okay
Tell your daughter it's okay to love her from a distance but you can't let toxic people in to hurt you just becauss you're related.
she's better off without her, we know that but your daughters young, she'll probably have a couple more dealings with this toxic animal before she just has to cut her off for good.
Yes and Yes to everything you
Yes and Yes to everything you said! I like how you worded that and I will tell her just that! Hell, I took me 16 years to finally be done with SD because when she's good she good but she also has that toxic side thanks to her BM and part DH if I'm being honest. DD wants to believe in her like I did because of her good side. I'm also proud of DD that it didn't take her as long as it did me to give up on the toxicity. I appreciate your feedback hun! It helps me to put in words minus my emotions.
She asked what she told her dad because
She’s afraid that she’ll be caught out on her fake goody two shoes image. Remember skids like this play their bio parents well enough to rarely ever see through what we see..
my skids act all lovey dovey in front of hubbys family to score brownie points but its so awkward and fake and lucky my niece and nephews see through it.
its a mixture of dishing out the same treatment abusive bio parent did, trying to control and mess with them, its just the way narcissists operate and absolve themselves of guilt
Oh my, your post is spot on
Oh my, your post is spot on with my SD! I agree, that's exactly why she asked DD about what she told DH and I believe that's where she was going with that question not realizing DD isn't 7 anymore and has a mind of her own and SD played that same game with my DH and me come to think of it, she just always brought the questions up in conversation oddly, as if we didn't pillow talk. It's just that DH always wanted to see the good in her before his rose colored glasses came off but I kinda found some of the questions odd but was caught in the mix of trying to be mrs. fix it at the time. I'm sorry your niece and nephews had to endure your Skids but glad they saw threw it. Luckily my two oldest did, well DD not the extinct of maybe yours but she's on to the fact it's not normal behavior. I will have to do my research on narcs more and have a sit down with my DD as an above poster suggested.
I think your DD handled it
I think your DD handled it well and you don't need to protect her - she's figuring it out on her own.
I think she did too tog. I do
I think she did too tog. I do think it's time to teach her coping skills though when dealing with personality disorders. I think we sheltered her a little too much.
She seemed to understand that
She seemed to understand that it was not her but her sister that was at fault here, and that she has every right to cut her out of her life if she feels mistreated - which is already steps ahead of many adults who post on here about their family members.
I think she's fine. The fact that SD couldn't even say, "I'm sorry you felt I didn't care about you, I don't want you to feel that way," speaks volumes and your DD heard that loud and clear.
Good points! Thank you.
Good points! Thank you.
☆ This!
What Tog said, agree 100%.
Your DD has a good head on her shoulders. Proud of how she handled it, and how you communicated & gave her space to choose her responses.
Thanks for the update, OP!
Thanks Step for your kind
Thanks Step for your kind words!