Now BM is joining in on the drama
Y'all, I'm dying here. SD16 didn't get anywhere with her tantrum, even after SD14 joined in. So I guess BM decided to take a stab at it.
Backstory... This past weekend my SDs realized that they'd forgotten their swimsuits. Swimsuits that DH had bought them the last time they were over. BM lives 45 minutes away, so they got up early Sunday to drive there and get the suits, but SD16 discovered a check engine light on her car and so DH didn't want her to drive until we got it checked. So, since it was Father's Day and I'm super nice, I offered to drive them to pick them up. Okay, cool. As we are heading out the door, BM texts one of them and says she'll venmo them some money to buy new swimsuits. Even better, no one has to drive. Problem solved. DH takes them to shop instead.
WELL. Yesterday, BM starts blowing up DH's phone demanding to know why I was allowed to rent a yacht on vacation with DD, but he couldn't even buy swimsuits for the SDs. Thing is, it wasn't a yacht. It was a small boat that took us out for 90 minutes to see dolphins. It cost $200, and I split it with my best friend. DH points this out, response was "well SHE SAID it was a yacht on instagram." I never said that. In fact I never mentioned the boat on instagram at all, though I did pist a 15 second clip of the kids reacting to the dolphins on my story. DH pioints THIS out. He also points out that last year I took SD14 to do a private dolphin encounter with a rescue facility in the Florida Keys and that cost more than twice as much as said 'yacht.' Well, the yacht isn't the point. How many swimsuits does DD have?! BM demands to know. Why does DD have sooooo many more swimsuits than SDs do? It isn't FAIR and DH obviously loves DD WAY more than he loves SDs. Also, while we're on the topic, how many swimsuits does Felicity have?! At this point, DH refuses to engage any further. He asks me to remove my SDs from instagram because it's clear that BM is using their accounts to spy on me and it's only upsetting everyone involved.
DH is extremely confused why the SDs are acting like this, seemingly out of nowhere with nothing to trigger them. I explained my two theories to him. The first is the Mini-Wife syndrome. Of course he'd never heard of it. But I suspect that when he moved out, my SDs thought they were going to reap the benefit of all his time and attention (and mostly his $$$). It hasn't exactly worked out like that, but I will say that he is far more generous to them now that I'm not always present to explain why a 15 year old doesn't need $700 sneakers or whatever. So in that way, their lives have 'improved' depending on how much value you put on $700 sneakers. But his attention isn't 100% undivided, and since things aren't going how they'd hoped, they're throwing tantrums over it.
My second theory is that they are, perhaps subconciously, resentful that DD is having a different experience with our separation than they did with his and BM's. Overall, her life hasn't changed a great deal. She sees DH daily when he isn't traveling, and we still do a lot of things together. There's no fighting, no tension. We don't badmouth each other, we're still close with each other's families. Pretty much the exact opposite of how things went with BM. She actively tried to alienate the kids, would literally take them and hide when DH came to pick them up, or she would get them worked up into hysterics and then cling to them while DH had to physically pry them away from her to put them in the car. This went on for YEARS. She would show up at our house when they were here, banging on the door and demanding to take them home. I lost count of how many times she called the police for a 'wellness check.' Not to mention the half dozen + times we ended up in court. It was awful, and it was all her doing and it actually breaks my heart for them. You would think that they would be happy that their sister isn't experiencing any of that, but based on everything I've seen and heard this week, I believe they're jealous of her. Maybe they felt like things would be more fair if DH and I hated each other and DD was going through the same turmoil that they did.
When I explained this all to DH, he said it was a light bulb moment for him. He feels like both theories are very plausible, but still doesn't exactly know how to handle the kids right now. His intention is to just wait until they reach out to him again, but of course if it takes too long I'm sure he'll contact them. He also said that he refuses to change anything about what we're doing and they can either get on board, or not. The whole situation is so sad. Sad for me because I've loved them and cared for them for so long, apparently to no avail. Sad for DH because he has many faults, but loving and trying to raise good kids is one of his better qualities and he deserves better. Sad for DD because now I really feel like I can't trust her around her sisters unsupervised. And sad for my SDs because they are sabotaging their own futures and choosing to follow in their mother's footsteps by insiting on living in hatefulness and turmoil all the time.
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Comments
She was probably jealous of
She was probably jealous of your marriage and she's now jealous of your separation, too. SMH.
DH should tell BM to pound sand, none of this is any of her business. Why does he even entertain her nonsense?
He usually doesn't. Complete
He usually doesn't. Complete radio silence has been his policy for years, but every once in a while he just can't help himself. I think the SDs wore him down and then when she brought up the alleged yacht, he just couldn't contain himself. The absurdity of it was too much to bear in silence lol.
Agree with tog, he should not
Agree with tog, he should not entertain her nonsense! I know that you can't control what he does though. Despite my best efforts to get my DH to refrain from rubbish like this he still does on occasion. I told him if he choses to engage with her on anything outside of pick up/drop off, medical needs, and emergencies that I don't want to hear the drama of it because he is bringing it on himself.
I find it disgusting that BM questioned how many swimsuits you have. Like an adult shouldn't have more of something than a child that isn't even that adults responsibility?! That would ensure that I never did anything for their daughters ever again at least not financially. You are not obligated to spend your money on these little mini wives and that is exactly what they are. Jealous little mini wives that have been taught by mommy dearest to compete with you and your daughter instead of respecting you and being thankful for how you have contributed to their well being.
You're right. I keep giving
You're right. I keep giving to them, despite repeatedly being burned. But I think I've learned my lesson this time. Maybe one day they'll grow up and apologize, but I'm not going to sit around waiting for that. There will be no more gifts from me. We'll see how they like it when they find out that DH is not really that great a gift giver when it comes to them. He's generous, of course, but every single birthday and Christmas gift in the last 12 years has been my idea because he has no idea where to start picking things out for them.
And yeah, before I blocked them on Instagram I was tempted to go to a store and gather as many swimsuits as I could and post a pic of an absurdly huge pile of them. Like, wtf does it matter how many swimsuits I have!? Lmao.
I'm guilty of this also. I
I'm guilty of this also. I keep giving to my SD despite her (and BM's) lack of appreciation for anything I do and just expecting more. I have learned my lesson as well. I highly doubt you will get that apology but hope you do. Entitled individuals like this don't care about others. I am currently upset about the most recent "gift" for SD. DH and I had planned on getting her nose pierced for her bday b/c that is what she said she wanted. We can't do it until her softball season ends though b/c they don't allow it. So this past weekend SD comes out and tells DH and I that she would rather get her hair or nails done for her bday b/c BM will get her nose pierced either way. I thought it was rude, maybe I am wrong, but BM knew that was our plan and little entitled SD knows that if we don't do that she can have BM do it. It disgusts me really. Also, call me crazy but I don't think fake nails would be a great idea for someone playing softball....
I have BM blocked on social media and her bf and her parents. SD isn't allowed to have social media yet (BM won't allow it) but if she did I would definitely have her blocked also. BM used to always refer to stuff on FB, okay creep, we have you blocked so obviously you are using others to see what we post and misconstrue it and use it against us. I think it is actually comical that she goes to such great lengths to see what we are doing and admits it! I wish you would have put a pic of hundreds of swimsuits on there prior to blocking them. It disgusts me when people like BMs and step kids think that your money you earn is for them and you shouldn't use it on yourself!
Don't get her nails done; she
Don't get her nails done; she will expect you yo maintain them!
Oh, I'm sure you are right,
Oh, I'm sure you are right, or it will be her next injury to get out of playing softball. I can't play softball my fake nail ripped off and it HURTS
it is all Simpleton's fault. Plus fake nails are way more than I planned on spending on her bday and she already got cash on her bday as well. She wants to play the game of what extra she can get but playing both homes and well it won't work out that well. She'll get the other thing she suggested "hair dye from Sally's" yep, that is like $15 and she can make her hair look like crap all she wants!
You are not kissing SD As*
You are treating DD better then SD.?
Not invited SD to go yachting with you. ?
You did not invited BM onto the yacht with food and drinks?
DH never took BM yachting ? She only got the row boat.
Time to disengage, block her yext and phone calls
Hahaha the best part is that
Hahaha the best part is that I DID invite them (SDs, not BM) to go to with DD and I on the trip. They opted to go visit an aunt who lives in a resort town instead, which is fine. Their trip was 2 weeks long! AND I sent them spending money just because I thought it would be a nice thing to do. But yeah, I'm over being generous to them. It would be one thing if there was just no gratitude, still annoying but not the worst thing ever. But I just can't with the aggressive ingratitude and entitlement any more.
Holy crap, you sent them
Holy crap, you sent them money? Stop that! The clearly don't appreciate it!
I know. Sigh.... This is what
I know. Sigh.... This is what I'm talking about. I have to actively work at NOT taking care of them or being overly generous. Like it takes a conscious effort. So the assertion that I've done any wrong by them is ridiculous. But I DO need to stop it and I am really going to work on it.
I think you are right that
I think you are right that the girls are jealous about how your DD isn't getting the whole "split family" version they got. I think it's good that your Ex is still willing to listen to you and take your advice into consideration about what's going on. I hope he doesn't let the SDs/BM create too many issues. If I were you I would ask him to keep what he spends on y'all's daughter and you and what you spend on your own daughter to himself even when BM is trying to rip him a new one because she's jealous. I would also probably stop sharing that info with him just so when BM does come a-calling he can't say what he doesn't know. And sadly, I think its time for you to put some distance between you and the SDs. It's like reopening an old wound. Visit them when they are at their dad's but I wouldn't let them into your home anymore. They are just comparing every single thing anyway.
Good advice, thanks. I'm not
Good advice, thanks. I'm not in a hurry to invite them into my home. It clearly makes them unhappy to see DD happy. Better for them and for me to create some distance. But DH is insistent that we don't change anything about our dynamic (like me going to his place) unless WE want to. Just going to take it one situation at a time.
Why is BM still able to see
Why is BM still able to see your social media? Shut that down tight. That means everyone they Bzm could use to see stuff has to go. Block them all so no one can see what you do. Stop giving BM ammo to throw you or DH. It's really none of her business so stop her from learning about it.
She was using my SDs accounts
She was using my SDs accounts, apparently. I've always known that she could see my profile through theirs, so I never post anything on IG that would cause a problem. Except that just living my life is apparently enough to upset them, so I did block them already.
I'm a bit confused. Are you
I'm a bit confused. Are you and your DH together, as in still a couple, or not?
I think part of what makes disengaging from your SDs so hard is that you haven't disengaged from this relationship. Even if you and DH are still a couple, you're still acting like his wife. He still tells you about drama with his ex. He still feels he has a right to request that you block the SDs so BM stops causing trouble for him. You're still driving his kids back and forth.
Your H is still getting everything out of this that he wants/needs, yet you're still dealing with the fallout of his previous decisions. At what point do you tell him "listen, this polyamorous arrangement can continue but you have to deal with your kids because they are solely your responsibility since we aren't a single family unit any longer"?
That's the price that HE has to pay for not wanting to be monogamous. There are "perks" that come from having a single partner, such as them being involved in your ish enough that they help with it. But he's not a monogamous person, and he doesn't have a group marriage with multiple people where everyone has decided that what's your is mine and mine is yours, so none of this is your responsibility.
And I think you need to change your view and see this situation as a non-monogamous relationship, or at the very least not a marriage. At best, you two are dating. If you were dating someone else, I'd advise not being friends on social media in the first place but I'd also advise not doing any of the parental BS, which includes playing chauffeur.
How your H acts with his daughters and BM should be 100% on him. If you living your life and the SDs seeing that causes BM to shriek her banshee lungs out, then your H needs to handle that separate of you. If his daughters are jealous, he needs to talk to them about it. Never EVER should thid be on your shoulders to try and figure out, and it's exceptionally brazen of your H to ask for things to not change when he isn't the one who is being asked to change.
You do you, but I think you've put yourself in a situation where you're going to be waiting forever for your H to be the husband you want when he can't even act like a boyfriend you deserve.