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Thisisnotus's picture

I've tried not to log in since the stay at home business...because as helpful as this site is it also fuels my anger. Lol 

but I have to vent....there have been so many things over the last month but this I have to get out.

let me preface this by saying SD12 has not slept here in over 2 years. For the last 4 months or so....SD17 sleeps here maybe 2 or 3 times a month.

SD17 has the largest room and my DD12 and DD15 share the smaller room. 

last year SD17 got a new to us entire bedroom set. Of course my kids were jealous and wanting new stuff too.......I mentioned it to DH and he rolled his eyes and dismissed me in disgust like why would they think they need new stuff....so like I normally do I just left it alone.

i am laid off, kids are home, SD hasn't been sleeping here so I thought you know what....I'm switching the rooms and ordering my kids new furniture and we can re do their room with all the time we have. I wait until dh is at work because he is a nightmare to do anything like this with and it would end in a fight. 
 

so me and my kids do it...it's done and their new furniture I ordered yesterday was just delivered to my garage.

but guess what????? SDs both blew up DHs phone yesterday (my dd15 is BFF with SD17 so was giving her play by play) that they need new furniture too....and DH tells me yesterday that he was just thinking of getting a bed for SD12 and what will he do now that I switched the room.....coincidence? I think not. I am fuming.

so SD17 comes over and sleeps here last night (not her designated night nor has she slept here in months) to make sure DH gets her new furniture.

and now the stupid guilty MFer is going to buy his kids new shit and he is using the "SD12 says she wants to try and start sleeping here" lie.

i am so mad I was shaking....my kids couldn't get new stuff when SD17 got some last year but heaven forbid my kids get something new and his don't.

also, my 2 kids babysit the toddler and I paid them with new swimsuits. The next day SD17 had to get DH to get her a new swimsuit because you know it wasn't fair. Then SD12 shows demanding a purchase since everyone else got something.

i am so sick of the BS. And DH just sent BM like $800 for some medical bills that she decided to bill him for all at once for the year.

DH has been shitty and rude since I moved rooms and bought furniture for MY kids who sleep here 20 days a month. So his kids are laying the guilt on him and somehow it's my fault.

Just to clarify...SD17 has a queen bed and at BMs SD12 chooses to sleep with mom or in SD17s bed and never ever sleeps in a bed alone.....so we had decided last year that it's fine for them to share a queen bed here if they ever stay here.

i just want to punch him in the face.

 

Thisisnotus's picture

I'm not sure what you mean. Even if she didn't give a play by play the skids would have showed up today complaining how it's not fair.

DD15 and SD17 FaceTime constantly when they are apart so no matter what we are doing here SD17 knows....

the drama was unavoidable....DH was off work all last week and I asked him like 5 times if we could switch the rooms and he just scoffed at me and changed the subject.....he knew he would have to answer to his kids so he was just putting me off. Even my mother in law gasped in horror when I told her that I switched the rooms....I thought she was going to cry.

Let me add that skids and my kids are also direct next door neighbors at BMs and EXh's house so their lives are completely meshed......so there is never a way to do something discretely.

Winterglow's picture

"there is never a way to do something discretely"

Maybe not but your DD15 is old enough to understand that by blabbing about all the new stuff she gets she is simply stirring the sh*t. What you said about the swimsuits is evidence enough. Time to explain that her telling everything (or is she playing at being one up?) can have repercussions ...on you, if not on her. 

Thisisnotus's picture

It's actually the opposite. DD15 is the most caring, giving and empathetic kid in the world. She asked me all week if we could get SD17 new stuff too.....she feels bad about getting new stuff and SD not getting it....so she plays me on it still....but in a different way.

she asked when we ordered the swimsuits if we could get SD one too. I told her that it was her payment for babysitting and Sd didn't babysit.

these are just some recent examples.....it's just non stop. If we stop at Taco Bell on Monday and we get SDs on Wednesday we have to stop at Taco Bell since they missed out.

i guess my DD is partially to blame but my spineless DH cant say no to his kids....I mean you can't hide a room full of new furniture.....

plus it's just something I wanted to do alone with my kids...something solely for them which they rarely get in having 2 blended families.skids have been re doing their rooms at BMs recently.....I work a lot and me being laid off has been really good for doing mom/daughter things with my big kids....:but clearly skids have to always step in...I wouldn't even care and everyone could get whatever the heck they want..... BUT DH told me no (not in so many word) for my kids last year and the skids don't even stay here.....so I can't see spending a couple thousand dollars on bedroom furniture for an unused room when there is a great set already in there.....

 

Winterglow's picture

I understand, truly I do, but I still think you have some work to do on your DD to get her to understand that not everybody gets a prize every time and that it's OK. I would have shut her down the second time she brought up the same subject (about SD getting stuff too). She is old enough to understand. And it's not wrong for you to remind her that she's your daughter so you look out for her and SD is not - her father does that job.

Thisisnotus's picture

I totally did that.

i told DD the plan....the next day she said "hey mom, SD17 said she didn't want any of the stuff in her room either" I said "she has no choice as she just got this last year and she doesn't even sleep here"  A couple days later she brought it up again and I said the same thing....

My DD15 is and has always been a talker....she can't keep a secret to save her life so it would be pointless. But I do need to try and talk with her.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I have learned to find acceptance and peace in the fact that no matter what I say or do, I am an ass. I realized I was more stressed trying to please everyone.  Now, I just do what makes me happy. 

Thisisnotus's picture

I feel you!! That is why I did what I did yesterday......I sent DH a picture of my progress and he made a rude remark.

i clearly was a huge ass yesterday for trying to do something but nice for my kids.....

so after he acted like an ass over it all last night and this morning....and now he is bedroom furniture shopping.....and his poor little princesses are feeling jealous....I went on amazon and my kids new room is going to be out of a teen magazine and if he wants to continue to match everything I buy for my kids he can have at it.....

hereiam's picture

If SD17 just got new furniture last year, she does not need new furniture, now. Bedroom sets last for YEARS. Waste of money.

As pissed as this makes you, and I get it, just do for your kids and sit back and watch, while what he does for his, backfires in his face. They are whining about tit for tat, but it won't make them spend the night any more than they were before. Maybe at first, but not long term.

Your DD15 does not need to give SD17 play by plays of what is going on in your home, either. Yes, she would have seen it, eventually, but that would piss me off. Here you are, doing something nice for your daughter, and she is starting drama with SD17.

Thisisnotus's picture

I totally agree with all of that!

My DH knows they won't spend the night he's just telling me that as the reason he has to now buy new stuff.

Skids called him at work all day yesterday....then he got home and SD called him 8 times in a row before he answered demanding to come over......and the whole night she grilled him on what they were going to get.

its maddening 

my DD was letting SD know....it wasn't so good looking back. But we re organized her new room and made it look awesome so she was showing her 

hereiam's picture

Skids called him at work all day yesterday....then he got home and SD called him 8 times in a row before he answered demanding to come over......and the whole night she grilled him on what they were going to get.

Why does he put up with that crap from his kids? Demanding to come over and grilling him on what they were going to get? What nonsense.

Thisisnotus's picture

Guilt I guess. Because he was angry but did it anyway, like he normally does. But guess whose fault it all was? Mine!

tog redux's picture

Ugh, this would all drive me crazy.  I know you are defending your daughter, but why does she tell the SDs every little thing that happens? How would they know you had Taco Bell, and why do they need to? She's old enough to have a conversation with her about how her behavior affects everyone, even if she doesn't mean any harm by doing it.  Of course, the skids are old enough for the same talk, but I'm sure DH won't have it with them.

I agree with hereiam, just do what you need to do and let DH do what he needs to do. He's the one making it a competition (but divide your finances, too).

Thisisnotus's picture

Well it's mostly snap chat and Instagram you know they have to post every thing they ever do online. So even if DD doesn't tell SD directly....she sees it on snap chat story or whatever it is. Lol 

oddly after 4 years we just combined our finances....mostly because we share a child also.  Oh wait....it just dawned on me that none of this fair to our 2 year old....I think she will be getting new furniture too! Fair is fair! LOL 

Winterglow's picture

I'm not sure that's a good idea. The way things are going, he could deplete all your resources just playing silly buggers one-up-manship ... 

By all means keep a common account for rent, utilities, food and toddler necessities but keep your own account and have a decided-upon sum transferred into the common account week/month. You can't afford to have him spend all your money to keep his kids happy at the expense of yours.

Thisisnotus's picture

I do agree! The thing is I have been wanting to do this for my kids for several years. I've let DH and his kids stop me by avoiding it....and avoiding the drama that comes with it.

the harsh reality is that I get 1K per month is CS and I think if I want to spend it on stuff for them then I will. Unfortunately for DH he sends out 1K per month plus extras so it can't and shouldn't ever be equal....skids live with mom 90 percent of the time....that's just the way it goes. My kids don't get the same stuff at their dads that the step sibling does.....it's just a reality of the situation 

SteppedOut's picture

Sounds like it's time to separate the finances again. At least it won't be too difficult since you just comingled. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Oh let me add that DH only thought I ordered new beds for my kids so as of right now SDs only think they are entitled to new beds.....
 

in fact I got them beds, a dresser mirror and a desk and chair they we will turn into a vanity. 
 

the shit WILL hit the fan this afternoon no doubt.

and I sit here and think.....I have to deal with a mountain of drama because I bought my kids new furniture that they actually needed. 
 
it's the same song and dance day after day.....I had posted a few months back how skids were on vacay with BM and my exH was on vacay with his family and my DH refused to take my kids anywhere at that time because it wasn't fair.

same shit always 

Thisisnotus's picture

I don't and never will understand him. I also couldn't take a trip to Disney for my birthday with just him and I last year because he thinks it's unfair to his kids. I tried again in February to get him, me and the toddler to go to Disney for a few days....nope.

i was angry and begrudgingly agrees to plan a Disney trip for everyone for spring break....of course covid canceled it but i was glad.

Winterglow's picture

Doesn't he understand that a husband and wife are allowed to have alone time? Do you ever go out to dinner or to the movies just the two of you? Or do you have to drag the kids every time? Or are you only allowed to have sex by yourselves?

Gimlet's picture

This sounds terrible.

DH and I love our kids, but oh lort if we couldn't go on trips without them?  Noooooooooo.

When they were minors, the "just us" trips kept us going.   

Kee-khe's picture

What an asshole! Seriously? 

Take your kids on Vacation without him! I cannot stand men like this! If my DH where to pull some shit like this, you'd better believe hell will rise..

Rags's picture

Lol.

Thisisnotus's picture

Thank the good lord that since lockdown BFs parents haven't let him out of the house so I haven't had to deal with that at all since mid March!!!!!!!

Thumper's picture

Glad to read you switched the bedrooms...Now start booking a vacation.

Too much Competition going inside your home and marriage.

 I know I could not live like that. ((((HUG)))))

Is it possible dh is getting crap from bm??? Such as ...OH so you are thinking about going on a trip without "OUR" kids. I seeeee  our kids are not treated like thisisnotuses kids. ... I see what your doing dbag. What till they see what your really like ahole. THEY will hate you. Soon they wont want to visit you...

------------------------------------------------

It has been known to happen with BM's

 

 

 

SteppedOut's picture

Even if this is happening, he should be far more worried about keeping his current wife happy, instead of his EX-wife. 

OP, this sounds freaking exhausting. And I stand firm on my suggestion to go back to separate finances. 

Also, STOP not taking your kids on vacation because of your husband's kids. They shouldn't be missing out on life because you married an ass. 

Thumper's picture

Totally agree with ya stepped out...he SHOULD have loyalty to his current wife first and always.

Some bm's will use this scare tatic---if you dont put OUR kids first, I will take you back for more child support threats...

It's been known to happen..hint hint.

Thisisnotus's picture

  BM says nothing ever. They speak only regarding the kids and only a couple times a month if that.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Sounds like you and your children need to go on a nice vacation when this is all over. You can tell DH just before you leave when you will be back.

still learning's picture

Some things don't need to be discussed even with your kids.  Just do what needs to be done and if new stuff shows up then DH and skids can deal with it after the fact.  Arrange your home and the people and items in it as you see fit. You are the queen of your castle.  

Thisisnotus's picture

Thanks! I didn't overly discuss but still another lesson learned.

it all just starts to get old....it will rev up hardcore in a few months when I buy DD15 a car. I told DH a big fat NO to buying SD17 a car.....because of the large CS amount and because the car would sit at BMs 28 days of the month..not a chance. BM can take her CS and get a car they same way I can take my CS and get DD15 a car. So the way it looks DD15 will have a car first.....

Rags's picture

Great tactic. You buying a car for  your DD with CS you receive from your X definitely puts the onus for CS that your DH pays to BM to be used in the same manner.  DH can just tell his 17yo... "I have given your mom money for your car. Talk to her." He can have the spreadsheet ready to show the countless thousands he has paid to BM in CS to back up the discussion with the 17yo.

Perfect! Simple and elegant. As are most good solutions to problems.

Well played!

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