You are here

Feeling resentful with my fiancé and soon to be step children!

Fedup37's picture

I met my fiancé almost 4 years ago. He has 4 children, and 2 ex wives. I have 1 daughter, and I've been divorced from her father for 6 years. When we first blended our families we encountered the usual problems. It seemed like anytime I wanted to correct something or address an issue with his children, mine was then targeted for anything she does wrong even if it was months ago. (This was talk amongst us, not to the kids, but me bringing to his attention a problem.) I did like a lot of SM do, allowed their Father to put me in the role of all day chef, cleaner, mediator...I pretty much allowed myself to mold into something I was not happy with, and I thought I was just overwhelmed because I was accustomed to taking care of 1. It got really bad, I found myself dreading my weekends! I would feel nauseated days before they were coming, and anxiety as soon as I heard their voice getting out of the car! My poor kid suffers, because it's her weekend too and it becomes all about trying to keep up with everything with no quality time for her. The problem is there is no structure, when I enforce structure my fiancé looks at that as me pointing them out and being trivial. He gets so defensive. My child is the only one that helps me she's 10. What I hate is the twins pee on the wall, shower curtain, wipe boogers on the wall, wiped poop once on the wall and their 5! The do not talk only scream. I treat them with respect and love them, but as I do my own child want them to learn right from wrong, and help them grow into independent happy kids. Then we have his son that is 12 and has a major attitude 90% of the time he told me once, hey eggs now because I didn't have breakfast made!!! same with his daughter but that's typically from her bio-mom minipulating her, and always interrogating her. The twins and 8yr old daughter has the same mom. She is bipolar and refuses to take medicine. She told her kids that if a dog licks you on the face you'll get warts all over. Then she googled pictures of kids with warts all over their faces!!!!! My fiance will hardly confront her on anything, because he hates confrontation! :/. So with all that said I went to counseling, and the counselor said "no wonder your overwhelmed you've allowed them to dictate your whole day full of waiting on them!" I established chores, and some healthy boundaries told my fiancé he said "your daughter better be doing these still when my kids aren't here!!"


Fedup37's picture

Thank you for your comment! This is why I joined this group. It feels so good to get advice and hear that I'm not alone, that I'm not a total B, that resents the situation I'm in! I know I have to leave, and I'm trying to get my ducks in a row to do so.

Disneyfan's picture

If all of these issues are in place now, why are you marrying this man?

It's perfectly fine to stop and say I made a mistake, this really isn't the man for me.

oneoffour's picture

So moving in with this man has improved your life how?
He demeans your contribution and will not allow you equal status in your own home.
He picks on your daughter.
He will not confront his own children for their shortfalls aka .. BE A PARENT!

What you are experiencing is the rest of your life. And as previously noted you are showing your daughter how to be a doormat and have no autonomy in her own life. We DO model our children's future through how we conduct our own lives.
Make a decision very soon because a 10 yr old his already seen how she will be treated if she is to be 'loved' in the future.

Harry's picture

If the mother is bio polar,,, most likely there something wrong with the kids too. Bio-polar is the gift that keeps on giveing

hereiam's picture

This is an awful situation for you and your daughter. Why are you choosing to stay in it?

Fedup37's picture

So my post was very vague. I rip his ass all the time. I don't always clean up after them or cook all the time for everyone, but this was my bitch. I know that he's the issue with not enforcing structure. We fight all the time lately, and I know I have to leave.
Still regardless of the bluntness, or the things that are slightly invasive in these responses... I needed to
Hear it.

DaizyDuke's picture

UGH.. the skids are 5 and 8. Do you really think that they are going to "Grow out of" this crap, or that things are going to get better? I assure you they are NOT. The skids poor behavior is the result of crappy parenting and genetics, because as someone above said, if you think mom has mental health issues, you can pretty much bet money that skids do as well.

I have an SD19 who has ALL the same sociopathic ideologies as her grandmother and her mother (lies, manipulates, cares about nobody but herself etc). They are 3 peas in a pod, you can't take the genetics out of a kid no matter how many chats you have with them or how many chores you give them.

And the fact that you are subjecting your ten year old to this? Please dear, think long and hard about what you are getting yourself into Sad It sounds to me like your fiancé is looking for a maid and a nanny. I can assure you my DH NEVER expected or asked that I cook for skids, clean up after them, discipline them, provide financially for them etc. That was his and BM job and he knew it.

Mariah from RI's picture

Resentment is something that almost always gets worse over time. It doesn't just evaporate on its own. It's unlikely that all four kids will wake up one day as decent human beings either. If you intervene and take over the discipline, you might have hope for the twins but at what cost to you and your daughter ?

If you didn't have a child in this, I would say disengage from the chaos and drama. But that's hard to do when your bio is growing up in this. Given my experience with step parenting I would say none of this can possibly be worth it.