I have no idea where to start and I wish I had found this site years ago!!!
So Ive just been watching a house programme - the latest in america and coming to tv in Norway probably years from now, anyway, and there was this woman who was blogging her whole life and I thought why dont I do that about my step-parenting woes? I dont really have anyone to talk to about it, everyone is biased and I cant very well tell my mum and dad that he said we would have to split up if I didnt like his son can I? I mean, they dont have a high opinion of him as it is because he "took me" out of England and to Norway and he accidently said in front of my dad last summer that I didnt make any money so I didnt have any say - because I stay at home looking after our 2 1/2 year old daughter. But I think it was just bad timing! So my dad's still annoyed with him about that. So I search for a step parent blog and I end up here with the first click so here I go.
Let me first say that I am not having a nice step-parenting experience, havent from the start and so most of what I will write here will be negative and if you dont want to read it then fine but I have to get the shit off my chest and Im going to try it this way and be 100% honest about my feelings. Its my blog after all right?
So where to start, so much water has gone under the bridge including nuclear blast arguments (just words). I think what I will do is give a general background and then sum up the last couple of months.
Im 28, he is 32, we have a daughter like I said already. And he has two kids nearly 12 (not biologically his but raised him from a year and a half so he considers him his mostly) and 10, both boys. When we met - in England, I knew he had kids, yes, he said he would never move to the city where they were in Norway so we lived up north. So the first summer we are there they come up for the summer holidays - I am pregnant with our daughter. So the eldest leaves after a short time because he misses his mum so we are left with the youngest but hubby was working and even going away 2 days a week to work and leaving me with him, this really hyper, rude, etc kid. Anyway, he was supposed to go back to his mother 2 weeks before I was due to give birth. But in the interim period hubby's parents had driven up from the south and were staying with us, picture nightmare mother in law, she is it. They were going to stay at this other place for a couple of weeks and instead of the boy going back by plane they said they would drive him back with them so he stayed until I gave birth. Obviously, I was livid. It was the last two weeks I would spend with just hubby and he had been spoiling this kid all summer with xbox 360 and a brand new tv. When I got upset about this and he and I started fighting then his mum came in and started shouting at me about how he should stay with his dad and Im the adult and he is a child. this comes from a woman who has a face like a slapped arse most of the time. And from a woman who had met hubby's dad back in the days of you needed an escort to meet someone, they were pen pals from one end of the country to the other and whilst they were just pen pals, he slept/inpregnanted a married woman who later gave his child up for adoption, who then contacted hubbys dad several years later and hubbys mother said its either her (his daughter) or hubbys mum, she still wont let him have anything to do with her. But still shes in my face any chance she gets and the worst thing is hubby repeats the things she says AND her relationship all along was based on nothing it turns out and he was away most of the time working or at school so her focus was the kids so no wonder they were her life. This has imprinted on to hubby so it is a constant struggle to get him to realise that our relationship is just as important as kids.
Anyway, the following summer the boys didnt come (thank fuck) but we started the process of getting ready to move down south as their mother (whos bi-polar or something) was going out and they were with hubbys parents all the time. She is better now and has a steady boyfriend who is nice and looks after the kids. So we moved down south and as I feared (because all his family are here), everyone wanted a piece of him and I continually come in last. Hubby still had to go up north to work and the custody was so it was 50/50. So we started by living at his parents for 3 1/2 way to long months in which I had a miscarriage and major depression. we started having the kids sun-sunday then child services said we should have them friday to friday and at this point hubby was going away the sunday they went back and coming back the following thurs so I had thurs evening, friday and saturday and sunday till he picked the kids up. Then it was friday-fri so I had thurs eve then the following saturday and 2 hours on sunday before he flew off again. And now because we need the money, he doesnt come back till friday which is the day they come. so now I only get saturday and 2 hours sunday. And to top that off, social services said they should do a weekly activity so its kung fu mondays and thursdays for 2 hours. When they are here hubby is dealing with them (even though bedtimes are 8.15 and 8.45) till 10pm easy so I get 2 tired hours where he basically just asks if I want to have sex.
I spend most of my time missing him or basically going about the business of building walls around my heart to stop from missing him which are proving harder and harder to dismantle once he is back, particularly as we have no time together anymore.
So to recent events. The boys fight, big time when they are alone with me. hubby has to work but when they are here together in their room they go at each others throats. I reached the end of my rope and said that they couldnt be in the house anymore as our tiny daughter is watching this and then proceeds to demo such behaviour. I will not have my daughter punching people and shouting obsenities like "I hope you die of aids". Its a jealousy thing between them because everyone spoils the youngest because he has anxiety disorder (which in my opinion comes at will and in moments that will benefit him i.e bedtimes) I think he plays on it as all kids do when they have found a great button to push to get what they want. But listen, no-one and I mean no-one can say anything bad about that boy to hubby or his mother. If you do then you are in a whole world of trouble, the defenses go flying up and shouting quickly ensues. There is no talking to them, they spoil him, dont disapline, no consequences, its all poor boy he cant concentrate on his homework. He probably cant do it himself because hubbys mum or hubby have basically done it for him every day so he hasnt had to. Ive seen this behaviour on a programme called little angels and on nanny 911 etc. But basically its stuff him full of sugar (which makes him nonchalent) and he will be okay, baby him forever even though he is nearly 10 years old - mental age 7 probably. Last week when he was here, hubby came home from work when he was due here which was great for me and then proceeded everyday, to go into the boys room, tell our daughter that she couldnt go in and basically sit in there having a laugh with the boy. whilst our daughter is upset and not understanding why she cant go in there. Then he is like talking to him like a child and basically spends most of his energy on that kid. He doesnt like anything I put on the table for dinner, never says please or thankyou, doesnt tidy up after himself. He is basically an invader in my life that rules everything whereas hubby has said in the past that our daughter does that....its so rich, he tells me things Im doing wrong with relation to her but if I say anything about that boy then up go the defenses. Its ridiculous. The eldest on the other hand is great when he is on his own, I almost dont mind him coming this friday because he is easy to talk to, eats everything, has manners. He is my preferred out of the two and I dont blame him for getting pissed off for all the extra attention the youngest gets for no real reason.
But back to the subject, I said they couldnt be here anymore, so hubby sided with me for the most awesome week ever, we had him all week, I had loads of time, we spent two nights staying awake all night. He said take your time and other great stuff but the second week they didnt come it was all different, he had obviously been talking to his mother, and it was you have to like him or you have to go and by the way you will have to pay the flight costs for our daughter to come back to norway 50% of the time....he was very drunk and it turned out he didnt remember the night before....so anyway we have said its one of them every other week so we just had the youngest for a blessedly short week of mon-fri and then this friday the eldest will come for a week and on it shall go. I was hoping to go to england for easter so I could avoid the youngest being here all day everyday for easter but my parents are saying they dont have much money so to put it off which really sucks.
So Im in Norway, Im tired, depressed, stuck in the same old routine day in, day out, trying to get a job but absolutely no luck so far. Nothing seems to go right and I get less and less time with hubby which is killing me, everyone else gets the best of him and I get tired hubby all the time. I cant wait for the day when he doesnt have to go up north anymore to work and we get the whole week without the boys, it will be awesome but thats not for the forseeable future so Im screwed.
I will be back when I have something to write thats annoying me....the story of my life is so complex so Im sorry if what I have written is confusing...it would take hours to write it all up. So I will just start from here, wish I had found this place before......
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Comments
Well I can feel for you, I
Well I can feel for you, I moved from the States to Canada to be with my husband, and then we moved to be closer to his kids. I love the older (SS14), he is smart and funny, and witty, but the younger (SD11) is a liar and steals random things (from us/stores/friends/school/her mom/), and NO ONE punishes her, it drives me nuts, and if I dare say anything about it, I am being mean, since she is such a "sensitive child". But more and more I have been putting my foot down about things, and taking control of my life. Last weekend when we had the kids, I didn't make breakfast, I didn't make lunch, and I didn't make dinner! When they came out of their rooms they sat at the kitchen table, they didn't say anything, they just waited for me to come in and feed them, I mean come on, they are 14 and 11! So my husband walked in yelled to me, "Honey want a cup of tea?", and I said yes. They sat at the table for almost 15 minutes before one decided to get up and get cereal. Then for lunch they wouldn't even make themselves a sandwich, they ate bread... Anyway, I was just happy that my husband stood up for me without me having to say anything. I guess tiny wins are wins just the same!
Your MIL sounds like a total jerk, but it seems to be the people with the loudest voices have the smallest brains! Just be happy that you do not have to live with her. My husband's mom tried to move in with us when we bought our house, but there was no way I was letting that happen! She is nice most of the time, but she is also CRAZY, I can not deal with her for more then 4 hours at a time, lucky for me my husband can only deal with her for 4 hours at a time too.
I wish you the best of luck, and welcome to the site, for the most part it is a good place to let off steam.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
Ok, wait - so are you still
Ok, wait - so are you still living with your MIL? Because if not I would put her in her place right away (except if you have to live with her). And also hubby too dear. Hubby needs a reality check about looking out for his WIFE, sayin'?!!
I would try to plan a nice direct talk with him, maybe write out your thoughts so you are ready. I would tell him nicely exactly what you need him to do - find another job with a better schedule sounds good right away if that is at all possible. Also PARENT his boys.
If he doesn't know how you feel, please tell him. If you have already told him, then you can go from there. But I am not clear that he knows how unhappy you are? But this will all be ok. HUGS honey
_________________________________________________________
May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
~Irish Blessing
Thanks Daise, its great to
Thanks Daise, its great to know people are in the same boat as me, totally awful boat though isnt it? lol
Ive done that whole thing with meal times, I was like make your own because Ive got my daughter to look after. hubby started to get them to make their own breakfast and packed lunch for school but then stopped doing that last week and so he made it every day. I just hate the way I do everything around here and they just take it for granted, like in your situation - of course there will be food on the table!! of course the house will be clean. They just care about themselves.
And most evil, Im not living with her anymore, havent for just over a year now but she STILL comes round and even full on shouts at me in my own house. But there is no putting her in her place because she just screams and because I am a total nightmare I have to walk away because the adrenaline makes me cry. Totally annoying because it makes me look like a child. embarrassing or what?! But I swear the next time she shouts in my house at me she will not be coming back! hubby and his two sisters know that she is just impossible, its like a few hours limit around her aswell.
Ive told hubby how I feel, we have had the long chats, he is incredibly torn because the youngest is his biologically and so wont desert him but he loves me and hannah aswell so he is doing his best by being here when he gets home from school,doing his homework with him, and getting him to bed on time. But its just excuses made the whole time about his behaviour. We have talked, in the last couple of arguments, that maybe we should go and see a family therapist, so if Im right about the youngest then he will have someone else impartial telling him that my opinions are valid. I mean I dont like him, all he does is cause trouble in my life but my observations are valid but maybe the damage is already done? if he has been parented softly for 10 years? The worst thing is that hubby blames himself and will blame himself if he doesnt turn out well if you know what I mean. At least he will only be here once a month from now on!!! whoop whoop!!! so I just decided to bite my tongue about it for the last couple of days.
Thanks for your kind words xx
I cut my grandmother out of
I cut my grandmother out of my life because she is a mean mean woman, and when my mom passed away last year my grandmother screamed and yelled at me when I was taking care of the arrangements. And I realized that she has never made my life good in anyway, so why keep someone around that does that. It took me 27 years to figure that out though, so hopefully your husband will look at her and realize she is just dragging him down!
Yeah feeling like a slave sucks, we have the skids this whole week for March break, and the SS14 just told his dad, "Oh I am going to my g/f's on Wednesday to see a movie", I flipped out, I told him, no you are not, you have to ASK first. Then he didn't ask, he just sat there looking at me. So I told him we already have plans and he can't go. But I am willing to bet money that my hubs will rearrange our plans so that his son can go. I really don't mind that he goes, I just want him to ask permission, not tell us what he is doing.
My skids have had light parenting their whole lives too, my hubs is in the Navy and for the past 15 years he has been gone for more then half of the year. So their mother over compensates and coddles them. The thing that bothers me the most is that they do not have to answer questions, really, if you ask them a question, and they don't answer you, it is perfectly fine. And for some weird reason my husband goes along with that. I asked my SD11 why she stole my earrings, and she just shrugged and went to walk away, I cornered her, I was not letting her think that she could get away with it, and I asked her again, she said she didn't know, and she doesn't have to answer. Who says that?
My husband and I have the perfect relationship, we never fight, we have so much fun together, but when they come over everything changes. Since they aren't mine and I can not really punish them, I have to tell him things so that he can handle it, and he is not the law, he is just a big kid himself. Which then makes us fight. It is not like I think they need to be beat, but I think they need to have punishment if they do not follow the rules that were laid down.
I think that maybe a few family therapist visits might do you good. Your husband seems like a good man, he just needs someone else to open his eyes. Oh and maybe one of the visits you could invite most evil in, and hopefully the therapist could open your hubs eyes to her too. With everything going on in your life, you do not need to add her to the mix!
You seem like you are on the right path to making your life better! I wish you nothing but the best of luck!
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
First of all, thanks again
First of all, thanks again Daise for your message. I know I have said it before but it is great to have someone in the same boat with me, takes a whole load off.
Today Im really annoyed and I thought, well, isnt this where Im supposed to vent - lol but of course I forgot my top secret password should hubby ever find out Im using this! lol so had to get a reminder sent haha.
Anyway. As I detailed before, hubby and I have approx 0 time together. He goes away sunday (like last sunday) comes back yesterday (fri) and one of the boys comes. (Although that didnt happen this week because it is the older one's birthday on Monday so he is having a party at his mums house because all his friends live there - fine by me. Then they are here till next friday and then I basically get Saturday and 2 hours sunday. Thats it. Oh and the tired hours (the last two hours after he has finished with kid and is knackered). So the last 3 weekends have gone like this.
1st weekend, we were supposed to get youngest but he didnt come till monday (right result!!!!). However, it was hubby's dad's birthday on the Sunday and the Saturday, hubby persuaded me to go stay at his mums from Sat-sun. "oh it will be so much fun to stay at mums, just me, you and our daughter". I was a fool and was sucked in because of course his sister and her husband turned up with their kids and then that was it, drinking all night, didnt come to bed till 5.30am. So what do we get sunday? thats right, grumpy, hung over hubby sunday when no-one else is around he has to put on a performance for. Annoyed.
2nd weekend, kid gone (breath sigh of relief) and its friday. Hubby is going to a concert with his sisters (btw he is 32, one sis is around 40 and the other is 45?) so they are going to see this old norwegian rock band and Im cool with it because I know that the eldest sisters hubby is driving them all home from the city and dropping each of them at home. But at 1.30am, after I had gone to bed obviously, I get a phone call - which I didnt see till morning of him drunk saying "well, Im sure you already knew this was going to happen, Im going to stay at my sisters for the night". When WE had PLANNED to go to ikea and he had told everyone that it was the day he was going to spend time with me and look after me. I was so pissed. I drove over there he was as predicted glazed eyes, stinking to high heaven passed out on the sofa. I was really mad. And he tells me later that if I had been nicer to him we would have gone to ikea earlier - yeah that was likely!!!! he would have been, oh Im so tired and um, can we have sex because Im hung over? smile. But we managed to get past it by 2pm and then we went but he was still hung over and knackered as he probably stayed up all night drinking again. So he was tired, complaining and by the middle of ikea he wanted to leave. So that was basically our saturday and he just kept throwing it in my face that I shouldnt be annoyed with him because then its ME ruining our day.....what a nightmare.
Then here we are present day. As Ive already said the eldest is not here. We came to his parents yesterday because his brother is visiting from out of town and hubby hasnt seen him for a couple of years. So thats fair enough that we be here but seriously, he stayed up all night drinking again last night with (of course) his sister and hubby. I swear that is all they do, and to top it off they just play the same old songs on the guitar and sing, its so boring. And Ive been here so often lately that the conversations are all the same....and its really tiring trying to understand Norwegian the whole WHOLE time....Im really tired. I went to bed at nearly 2am and then was so tired this morning and he comes in trying to cuddle me and Id rather sleep and then hannah wakes up, and of course he gets pissed off when I dont immediately get up and change her nappy. I only had 3 drinks last night, I rarely drink but Ive been so tired since giving up smoking.
Im just so bored, Im tired, and Im sick of him not even acknowledging that its difficult for me, he's just like whatever, deal with it. He doesnt get that its great for him to be surrounded by family and I have none of mine around me and I cant even go to see them at the moment because they are not sure about money. Even though I obviously said I would pay for mine and daughters food. And now to make matters worse, the dreadful evil has asked hubby if the youngest pain in the ass one can come here tomorrow to see hubbys brothers son - hes 5/6 and hubbys youngest is nearly 10 going on 6/7 I reckon. Argh!!!!! I dont think hubby wanted to go and get him - maybe because of me but he wouldnt say anything so I said Im sure his mother has birthday plans for the oldest so he will be busy - she isnt like oh do you think they BOTH can come, its just the precious.
I think I might just go home, apparently Im just negative now and hubby is "fine when Im around happy people". Ive been downstairs in the house writing this for a while now and he hasnt come down and I was nearly verging on tears because its just load norwegian chaos at the breakfast table and he couldnt care less. I stayed downstairs when he got up and then because our daughter was asking for me he came downstairs and was like "could you please get up?" in that shitty way. And I was like, well everyone is just going to be speaking norwegian anyway so I thought I might aswell stay down here for a while and he said "well just take the car and piss off". Nice.
So he came down of course -
So he came down of course - as I was writing back to another lady on here. "who are you writing to?" which due to his ex talking to other men online and going out cheating, I had to be honest. I told him that I found this place where I can be honest about my feelings and get it off my chest how I want to. So then he was like "so your writing about our personal relationship on a website" to which I explained that I dont use names and there are loads of us on here with variations of the same story. Hes still a bit funny about it, I told him that I have more or less told him everything that I write here but why should he read this stuff when it would hurt him probably?
So then we started talking about the problem and it boiled down to this, I feel hurt because my family in England said dont come over when you planned because we are worried about money. Then I only get the one sat with hubby and he goes out the entire night before drinking and doesnt understand what my problem is. THen I come here to his parents house with the norwegian constantly and they are family. He just doesnt get it, I feel abandoned every way I turn, I cant get a job and Im stuck here because I cant go to England. My life is shit basically and he just doesnt get it, just tells me if I want to go just go, dont hang around like deadwood because hes not carrying me. I guess talking to him when he is hungover probably isnt the best time but Im just hiding out in my bedroom here because Im just so sick of hearing another language and basically feeling like a useless piece of furniture. He was like, tell them about it, they have all been through shit, but the thing is, I dont feel like I can talk to them like that and I dont really want to either. I want to be able to speak to my best friend aka hubby but hes not caring. And at the same time, I always seem to have these inappropriate emotional crisis when he is excited like to see his brother for the first time in ages - but - if he had come home after the concert last week, we would have avoided the arguments, if he had just come to bed at 1 or 2am the weekend before we would have avoided me being totally bored out of my mind being here again for the weekend. I feel guilty but at the same time, cant stop feeling the way I do. Its just been shit for a long long time now.
Don't feel guilty! You have
Don't feel guilty! You have the right to feel however you want to feel. I so understand where you are coming from, the other day my husband took the kids to a Navy thing, and I stayed here all bored (can't handle the walking 8+months prego), and then when he came home, I wanted to spend time with him, but he wanted to go into the shed and work on his new fun tools. He just doesn't seem to understand why I like him I guess. My husband is very very nice to me though, he would never tell me to "piss off", now mind you I am from Philadelphia PA, and if he told me to "piss off" I would threaten to cut him hehe.
It seems that life is never what we plan it to be, I always expected I would fall in love, get married, pop out 3 or 4 kids, and live happily ever after. I never thought I would pack up everything I could fit into my car, move to another Country, marry a man with two (lazy) kids (who drive me nuts), and not be able to work and support myself (I couldn't get my working papers until last month, and at 7 months pregnant, it doesn't matter how smashing my resume is, no one wants to hire someone who is going on maternity leave in a month).
That is why I came here, I had no where else to vent, my husband doesn't see why I feel overwhelmed, I have no family here to talk to, my mom passed away last year, my dad is just a big kid, and my best friend has wayyyy to many problems for me to add mine to. And I know that sometimes writing it down makes you feel better, I don't even always need the advice, I just like knowing that I didn't bottle it up and then kill my family in their sleep.
Oh and by the way, Hannah is a beautiful name! Good choice! It was one of my top 5 if I had a girl.
Oh and have you ever thought about learning Norwegian? I hear a lot of French here, but I will walk away if someone starts talking in French to avoid me understanding the conversation. You should learn a little bit of Norwegian, and freak them out, like wait until they are in the middle of a conversation, and then say something like, "Oh I'll be right back, I have to powder my nose" in Norwegian, I'm sure that would freak them out.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
lol thankyou for
lol thankyou for understanding, its great. Luckily the kids were busy today so wont be coming here....the thought of seeing the youngest drives me insane. At least its only once a month now. The oldest will come tomorrow after he has finished school. I was going to go home and stay there if they were coming because I cant bear to see him and it is sickening seeing hubbys mother fawning over him. He is the golden child for some unknown reason and hubbys sisters hate it too. But I have been spared again, think god is helping me out a bit!
I do understand a lot of Norwegian now, Im just not great with the grammar so cant speak it with any degree of accuracy. I cant believe you did the same as me and moved countries!!! I cant believe I did it, I didnt want kids, definately not stepkids and here I am stuck in this nightmare but I do love hubby beyond beyond. That is the only reason I am still here. Ive been at home since hannah was born as was at university before that so I havent worked for a long time so that doesnt help. Hubby thinks I should get a shop job but he doesnt understand that would literally not help in anyway shape or form. But got the date for my daughter starting nursery school - may. So just need to get a job by then haha! easier said than done....lordy, Im so looking forward to getting home tonight. Lots of English, no stepkids, daughter to bed, alone time! heaven! cant wait, but he will probably be tired out to the max anyway. Sigh.