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Please help me!!!!

Erinbelly's picture

First! I’m new! And second, Sorry this is so long! I feel like this blog isn’t even half of what’s on my plate right now. 

 

Okay to begin, I am about to be 25yo and have been raising 3 children for almost 5 years now, ages 17, 16, and 12. Their father (38yo) has always had full custody of them. The 16yo and 12yo have the same mother (never in the pic) and the 17yo has a different mom (never in the pic). I started being the only mother figure in their lives almost 5 years ago, and I have been here full time since. I know I’m young. But I have become a “soccer mom” in all senses: I LOVE these kiddos with every bone in my body and do so much for them. BUT the problems I’m having are originating from The oldest daughter (17 now). She has learning disabilities and the mentality of a 12yo. Starting three years ago. She got expelled from school for having “fake drugs” (over the counter meds from our med cabinet she crushed up and mixed and put in a baggie and took to school) she went back the next year and got expelled AGAIN for the SAME THING on top of that she ran away for two days around the same time. When she came back she had marijuana in her system.  Then last year came around and she got put in online schooling with me being her learning coach. Even though I’m younger. I 100% believe in rules, action and consequences, and running a tight ship. I am diagnosed with OCD, so my house is very  clean and I’M always cleaning it. The kids don’t have a big chore list, there are just some little things like rinse the food off the plate, turn clothes right side out, things like that that help ME with the main cleaning. The two younger boys have always at least tried, but she has ALWAYS been defiant and refused to follow any rule, in general. She does things on purpose to get my to react. Which I’ve really been trying not too, wiping her dirty shoes on area rug,  dumping out dust pan all over kitchen floor bc I asked her to sweep her room. Pouring black ink all over comforter I let her borrow for her bed. And I can go on and on. her father WAS disciplining her. Even though it wasn’t consistent, it was there. And in the past three years, she was doing so many stupidly bad things, it seemed she was always grounded. Well, she started composing to her gma, and she started bitching at me, telling me “they don’t need rules, they don’t need to be in trouble, who cares if she ruins these things on purpose, they are just materialistic and can be replaced” and literally had an excuse for every valid concern I tried to bring up. EXAMPLE I told the gma that she was snorting some type of pill, and doing drugs. I even found the straws she was using to snort pills with. Gma said that’s just normal teenage behavior, and also, that I am never to go into her room again. ( the house is in my name and also my fiancé’s, their father) how can they tell me I’m not aloud to enter a room in my own house? They say because it’s his daughter and not mine. And I say okay, but I’m not okay with a minor doing illegal things in my house. They tell me to leave then. Recently she ran away for 6 days, the first day being the day before online school started. The school is calling me asking where is she, and I told them that she ran away. It’s  Standard procedure when they get told something like that they have to call the police, so her dad made a report when they showed up. Well now the WHOLE ENTIRE family seems to hate me, because I should have ignored the school calls or lied to them. They say I just wanted her in trouble. Six days passed and the way they got her to come back was they told her that she didn’t have to listen to me anymore and pretty much could treat me however she wanted. And that’s what’s happening currently. She is aloud to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. In my house. She disrespects me on a daily basis. Calls me names and curses at me. Sits in her room smoking cigs and weed all day and is about to be withdrawn from the online school for not doing it because the family said she doesn’t need a learning coach. And her family says “oh well she’s almost  18 anyways” and when I tell them how disrespectful she’s being they say it’s my fault that I pushed her too hard about the rules and small things. So now , I have to sit back and let this all go down or else a HUGE fight will break out between me and her father. I can’t even tell her to take her trash out or turn off her light when she leaves. He  says if she wants to leave it on she can. And I bring up the utility bill and being conservative and he says he doesn’t care he’ll pay it regardless, and Apparently im not aloud to go in her room to turn off the light or grab her trash, so what do I do here. I feel like I am being treated more like a child than she is. 

Comments

hereiam's picture

Didn't even read it past the point of  "I am about to be 25yo and have been raising 3 children for almost 5 years now, ages 17, 16, and 12."

Please dump this guy and go live your life. He can raise his own damn kids.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

You are supposed to be traveling and going to the beach on weekends with friends.  Why are you choosing this for your life?  Leave this life and this mess before you "waste the pretty".  Be Seflish!  Go get a job and an apartment and a roommate and life your life.   

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If your bf and his family are okay with his daughter's behavior, I can only assume these are very ignorant, low rent people. 

At 24, you are supposed to be putting your energies into yourself - getting an education and establishing yourself in your chosen career path. You could be living an incredible life right now, instead of dealing with other people's problems and drama.

It is not your responsibility to raise other people's children, and by doing so you are actually interfering. When you do your bf's parenting for him, you deprive him and his kids of valuable interactions which strengthen bonds. This also creates an imbalance in the family unit. Blended families have the best chance of success when everyone knows their place/role, carries their own weight, and stays in their own lane. Problems often arise (and we get new members on ST) because weak parents abdicate their parenting responsibilities or expect their current partners to do the job of parenting for them. This imbalance causes friction, which leads to resentment, which results in drama and unhappiness for everyone.

You're not married to this man, and you shouldn't give a hoot what his momma says because it's complete rot. Bad kids don't magically become good citizens on their 18th birthday. You've got an emotionally manipulative juvenile delinquent living under your roof, and she's smart enough to have triangulated everyone else against you. So what do you do? You stop participating in the dysfunction. Have a come to Jesus with your partner, and tell him either he handles his daughter, or you're leaving. It's just that simple. You have agency, and hopefully you have standards. Either draw some boundaries with your bf, or move on to something better.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Yup run. If there is a possibility that you want your own kids in the future do you really want these children as step siblings. They don’t always improve with age, but do sometimes. 

You should be out having fun. 

kemah's picture

Hey girl, first of welcome! I am new here as well. I posted my first blog a couple days ago and I got slammed with so much negative and judgmental comments and only 1 or 2 positive constructive criticism comments. I was so upset I ended up deleting the comments and thought about deleting my account but I am giving it another try. So what I'm trying to say it stick with it! You are so young and obviously doing the best you can which to me sounds great. I think that maybe you and your fiance need to have a talk and get on the same page. You and him together as a team and do great things. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. 

tog redux's picture

Can I ask honestly, not meaning to be snarky - if your 24 year old sister was in this toxic situation, would you give her the same advice? Or would you be concerned about her well-being?

We aren't here to help people solve impossible dilemmas.  I'm sorry that seems "negative", and certainly, some people on here can be  harsh, but if a comment is other than "Yeah, you can solve this with better communication!" it's probably because the situation being described is toxic.

Disneyfan's picture

Did you bother to read what she wrote???

She is being BEAT.  Telling her to stay and work as a team with the person that is abusing her is the EPITOME OF STUPIDITY.  If your daughters were in an abusive relationship, would you tell them to work as a team with the man that is bouncing them off of walls????  I am so disgusted by your response to this young lady.

For you to make such a ridiculous suggestion indicates you must lack self respect and love for yourself.  Therefore, for it is impossible for you to tell this young woman that she is worth more, deserves more than the life of horrors she finds herself in right now.

 

 

Winterglow's picture

The man is violent. He beats her. Do  you really think that a "talk" will change that?  I don't. My father was violent and every time my mother stepped out of line (i.e. stopped being a doormat) in his opinion he would "set her straight" ... I spent many years afraid that some day I would have to identify my mother's body. When someone resorts to physical violence to have things the way they want there is no going back... and there is no erasing the fear.

CLove's picture

Thats a horrible situation to be in, and apparently you are doing everything pretty much yourself. The house is in both your names, but it sounds like you are the house servant. You should really think hard about what you want out of life, because this sounds like a horrid way to live.

You definitely need to get away and take some time to think. Because with all the stress and drama, your vision has become clouded. This is not normally how things go. You need to know this.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Now all I can think of is "Dobby has a SOCK! "

ESMOD's picture

not sure who the "they" is.. if it's your SO.. get the heck out.. seriously.. you have taken on way too much.  I have a feeling a your guy will decide your relationship has run it's course.. just about the time his youngest is out of school.