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Am I overreacting?

hollyissad's picture

Submitted by hollyissad on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 10:07am

Sorry this is so long.

I have relented to the fact that I, as non-parent, am not in control of parenting/rule-making/or rule-enforcing. I will, and do, say something if it directly relates to me, or I am the only adult around/in charge. Other than that, I defer to SO, and that has been working. SD6 is an EXTREMELY emotional child. I understand and accept that. She feels intense emotion, and sometimes needs to talk about it and other times needs to relax by herself.

We had a huge blow-up the other day regarding a tiny issue. SO was out gathering his tools from his mother's house. SD6 was with me watching a cartoon. She had a pack of tic-tacs that I gave her for Easter and was eating them by the handful.

Me: SD6, you’re going to be eating cake at the birthday party in an hour, so no more tic tacs.
SD6: Ok.

Like 2 minutes later, she’s back to eating the darn tic-tacs.

Me: SD6, why are you eating those when I told you no more? We’re all done with those.
SD6: I’m just going to have one more.
Me: SD6, we’re done. Go put those in your room, please.

I thought this was a tiny issue. She goes to her room and doesn’t come back down and I can hear her kicking her bed in her room. So I go up there…

Me: What’s going on?
SD6: *crickets*
Me: You look upset. Is this about the tic-tacs? You’re not in trouble, we just aren’t eating any more of these right now. Ok?
SD6: *crickets, plus kicking of the bed*
Me: Why are you acting like this? Please answer me.
SD6: I just don’t know.
Me: Do you need a hug? (no response, lots of kicking of the bed) SD6? I don’t understand what is going on here.
SD6: I just don’t know!

I try to talk to her for a little while longer, and it proves pretty useless, and starts making me angry. I tell her I’m going downstairs and she can either come down and watch TV and have fun, or she can sit up in her room. She doesn’t come back down. I text my SO and tell him that I’m very frustrated, and explain the situation. About a minute before my SO gets home, I hear her get up and she goes to the bathroom. My SO comes in and goes upstairs.

SD6: Hi daddy!!
SO: Hi SO. What’s happening?
SD6: What do you mean?
SO: You know what I mean. What’s going on with you?
SD6: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SO: What happened while I was gone?
SD6: I watched a TV show with Hollyissad.
SO: And?
SD6: What do you mean?
SO: SD6! What happened while I was gone?
SD6: I ate too many tic-tacs.

This goes on for a while until my SO says that she behaved rudely and to go fix this with me. She comes down and says sorry. I ask her what happened and why she was acting this way. She bursts into uncontrollable tears, and my SO kind of comforts her. She is literally inconsolable. Like, can’t breathe, having an anxiety attach inconsolable. The whole issue gets lost, and it’s suddenly becoming about calming her down. She goes on to the party and has a great time…I’m feeling frustrated as hell. I don’t even want to touch this. I don’t know what to make of it.

Yesterday, we go to the park, and stay about an hour and a half. Finally, it’s time to go. SO tells SD6 it’s time to go, and she takes off running through the park. My SO says “hmm, this might not end well for her”. I’m reeling over it, and respond with “uh, yeah…that’s not good”. She goes to run past me and I say “SD6, come here right now. Your dad is going to be really, really mad.” She stops, and stands next to me. And then SO is not mad at all, and I discover he is, in fact a weenie. Yup, that’s right. I ask him in the car what happened basically, and he’s FINE with the whole thing. I tell him he should have said something (I know, none of my business). In the end, he later tells her that when you are with Hollyissad, you must never do that, and behave because that is very stressful, etc. Basically, he admits to me that he doesn’t mind chasing her around, so it’s fine.

I’m LIVID. HOW is it okay to run away when you are told it’s time to go? And then it makes ME look like I’m a party pooper, but it’s okay to do on Dad’s watch. I’m so beyond frustrated. How are we ever going to have kids together if there are going to be double parenting standards??

I’m also wondering if SD6 is bipolar, though I don’t dare bring it up to SO. SD6’s deceased mother was bipolar.

Comments

winter80's picture

Submitted by winter80 on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 10:22am

This sounds EXACTLY the way my SD6 behaves. I think her BM exhibits traits pertaining to many of the Cluster B personality disorders (narcissitc, Borderline, etc.) It is so interesting to me how she can get so emotionally upset with the crying after she was the one who were so angry and misbehaving. My SD6 does this quite often- almost as though she can't understand why rude behavior (A), not listening (B) etc. results in getting sent to her room/punishment (C). Then after the (C) in the equation happens she completely melts down with the crying/abandonment feelings and takes it to a totally different place then it needs too. I'm glad I am at least somewhat aware of what kind of mental illness it might be as those kind of personality diorders often do run in families.

hollyissad's picture

Submitted by hollyissad on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 10:25am

Glad to hear I'm not the only one, but sorry you're going through this too. She eventually responded to my question of why she reacted that way to "I thought you didn't love me". I try to provide lots of love and attention to her, and tell her I love her often. I'm not sure if this is a deeply ingrained fear of hers, or if she's trying to justify behavior. I'm leaning more towards she truly DOES fear I don't love her, because why else would she just not put the darn tic-tacs away and move on with our day?

winter80's picture

Submitted by winter80 on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 10:23am

PS. Also, my husband being less strict than I would be at times is SO unattractive to me. I feel your pain.

hollyissad's picture

Submitted by hollyissad on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 12:03pm

Thanks for the response. She has strong emotional responses to Dad too, when she gets in trouble with him. Perhaps not to tic-tacs, but that was pretty extreme in general for her. I'd say it's more often Dad that she freaks out at than me. I guess I just don't understand why she has these completely extreme reactions to being told something like "nope, you're done with those, put them in your room". When I was a kid, I can't imagine having a complete meltdown over that. I know she's little, but she was hyperventilating for Pete's sake!

ETA: Mom has been deceased since she was 4. I have been in the picture for a year and 4 months.

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 10:45am

That's very frustrating. I used to hate park. SO would ask me over and over again if I was ready to go because HE didn't want to look like the bad guy. When I would finally say, Yeah lets go, he would tell the kids we had to leave because Ninji wanted to go. I always looked like the bad guy. Now I stay home and do my own thing and SO takes the kids to the park without me. It's a lot less stress on me.

hollyissad's picture

Submitted by hollyissad on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 12:17pm

Agree. I would refuse to go anywhere if I was made to be the scapegoat. As it is, I'm debating whether or not I want to continue to go to the park if this is to continue like this. Boy am I glad I suggested going there yesterday...

JustAgirl42's picture

Submitted by JustAgirl42 on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 10:50am

It sounds like 6 yr. old little girl behavior to me. My SD6 was like this too, but she's not bipolar.

I don't know how long her mother has been gone, but maybe she's resentful when you tell her what to do, and is just having difficultly becoming comfortable with this. Her staying in her room to relieve any frustration sounds o.k. to me.

The running away thing, and dad not being mad about it, may be because it has happened in the past and he's made light of it. My SD loved to have her dad chase her around when she was that age. At the same time, he made it clear when they were no longer playing and it was time to go.

ETA: Well I see there have been other replies since mine posted, so sorry if I've repeated anything...

I don't know how long you all have been together, but it takes time to get on the same page and have things begin to run smoothly.

hollyissad's picture

Submitted by hollyissad on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 12:21pm

I'm just always surprised how she can be in complete and utter meltdown state, and then she'll come down and be all happy and not know what you are talking about when you ask her about what the heck just happened. I don't know if that's being a kid, or she's showing some signs that she may have issues in the future.

hollyissad's picture

Submitted by hollyissad on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 12:58pm

Yes, I'm constantly asking him "What if we had a child together? How would xyz play out?" I'm really worried. But I'm more worried because I don't know if we will EVER be on the same page. He does try and be an aligned front with me, and back me up. At the same time, I feel like we have to have the same parenting philosophies, which we often don't.

TheWicked's picture

Submitted by TheWicked on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 12:18pm

She may have a legit mental issue. Could be begining of bipolar. For sure I think she has some fear issues and depression. It will be a lifetime of dealing with those, which will suck.

I am willing to bet she can't process any negative emotions. And getting her to feel loved and safe
is a lot harder than just telling her. She might live with the fear that if she is anything less than perfect she will be unloved or sent away or you or her dad will leave. That's why she can't fess up about her behavior. And that makes you scary because you could leave or send her away.

I would look for a good therapist who does CBT. She needs to get her disordered thinking under control. Also know that letting her kick her bed for 5 minutes is better than confronting her. It was more about her being upset with herself than you. Letting her vent then saying something like, You're still a good person its just that you have to stop when I say stop.

hollyissad's picture

Submitted by hollyissad on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 12:45pm

That's what I am worried about. I've gently suggested to my SO that SD6 needs to be in counseling. She not only lost her mother when she was only 4, but she has this inability to handle criticism. Nobody likes criticism, but she has an extreme reaction to it and gets so frustrated with herself, and becomes very angry. She will stomp, slam doors, kick her wall and bed...etc. Unfortunately, my SO is very anti-counseling. He thinks she is a mini-him of when he was little (he was an angry kid apparently), and since it is his child, I don't feel I have much say over the matter.

TheWicked's picture

Submitted by TheWicked on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 1:17pm

Oh, Holly that sucks indeed. If her dad refuses to get help that is going to mean such a long up hill battle. In my former life I worked with kiddos with mental issues. As a SM I don't know if I could deal with trying to work with my skids but mine were much older when I came along. She's little so she has a much better chance of dealing with, and overcoming. You may be able to better engage than I would.

One of the easiest ways to talk to kiddos with mental issues is in the car. Make it short and brief and avoid eye contact. Get a treat and take the long way home and say things like 'there is nothing that you could do that would make me or your dad send you away' and 'everyone gets angry but that doesn't mean we always have to be angry. Here are some ways to deal with being angry...'

If you could have a pillow made of her BM's shirt or something so she has something to cuddle when scared it may also help. It is SO hard to help kids deal with emotions but they can be overcome with help. And some hard work now may mean when she is 15 things are WAY better. Good luck! And lots of hugs!