Advise to how to step back
Hello been a stepmom for six years. I have a 14yo SS that lives full time and his sister , my 11 yo SD, has the usual every other weekend custody. ( I came into the picture after they had been divorced 2.5 years and shortly after now DH got his son. ) Bm has always been a piece of work not being flexible trying to control everything being nasty towards me and DH. She is particularly nasty if I do anything with her daughter. At this point I’m terrified of doing anything with/ for my SD in case it blows up into something. For years it’s varied what’s been her peeve from getting her gifts, to doing her hair, painting her nails, making crafts, you name it. She has similar issues with me in her son’s life but it’s rare and equal stupid like what I make him for dinner or buying him clothes or taking him out on jogs with me (recently he’s gotten into long distance running so he tags along on some of my runs)
Her aggression isn’t just geared towards my presence in her daughters life. In general it’s been horrible blaming me on DH and her inability to co-parent and her pananiod belief I have more say in education and medical and parenting than I do. I mean yes for SS I have been his female role model for basically six years and have a decent amount of enforcing rules but at the end of the day they’re his Dad’s rules and I always run consequences past him if he’s not home.
I cant even go about my life without her finding something wrong. (We live in a small town pathes cross). Just last night I forgot to get the neighbor’s mail and I honestly couldn’t remember if it I put the cat’s bowl on the floor so I hussled down the block without even looking at the clock. As I was coming back she pulled up to pick up SD. SD ran over to say goodbye which caused BM to fly into a fit I was outside during pick up.
I don’t usually post things but I been sitting most this morning crying bc I’m at the point I just want to hide in my bedroom when I’m home. I have found taking longer to run errands, more time at work, spending more out riding my horse etc. especially when SD is around. DH pushes me to do stuff with the kids and tells me I’m overreacting bc things have been “ peaceful” but my stress levels are extreme and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I love my husband but I’m reaching a breaking point and need a way to disengage from my SC and being in their lives for my own sanity.
Welcome to the site!
You need to put up barriers between yourself and BM so that she doesn't get opportunities to stress you out, and your DH needs to take his head out of his arse, stop living in denial, and help you. I don't know what means she uses to give you these aggressive messages, but whether it is text, phone, email or in person you need to block block block. If you see her in person, refuse to engage with her and do not respond to anything she says to you, walk the other way, calmly but firmly. Start advocating for yourself and being more assertive. Your manner seems apologetic - you need to stop that right away - you have nothing to apologise to BM for.
Yes I do have her blocked.
Yes I do have her blocked. And I’ve tried the walking away, no engaging, no eye contact. That sets her off more. I mean we all were at a karate event for my SS and for once she showed up. Got in my DH face for me being there. And then made a stink outside was we were getting in the car I wasn’t making eye contact or acknowledging her. I was just standing by the car waiting for DH to wrap up his goodbyes with my SD. Luckily some one from the event stepped in because they know me and see me bringing SS
Keep ignoring her yourself
Keep ignoring her yourself and let DH deal with her. Tell him you don't want to know what she says, it's his problem. Maybe he will grown a spine and tell her off when she gets in his face with this BS. If it ramps up and affects you directly, get a restraining order.
You both are allowing BM to bully you.
Kes is right...Also stop
Kes is right...Also stop letting this miserable excuse for a person have space in your head so much. BM cannot dictate what happens in your home. BM over here tries to do the same thing. Trust me it's hard not to let things like this get to you. I try my hardest not to let BM get to me and sometimes it's even hard for you. I hope it gets better for you OP.
Thank you for your kind words
Thank you for your kind words. I have been trying but idk why the last few months have been hard.
What do YOU think your
What do YOU think your obligation/s to BM are?
.
Quit catering to the toxic BM
Quit catering to the toxic BM. Instead... live your life in her face. Be outside sitting on the front patio when she picks up having a nice cup of coffee and enjoying YOUR home. Every time.
If she gets lippy, call her on her toxic crap and tell her to grow up, knock it off and quit ruining her kids's lives. Bare her ass on being a shitty parent.
These kids need to see dad and SM being confident and living a quality life as equity life partners with the counterpoint of BM's abject misery and failure in life.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.
Enjoy your life. Enjoy being the only quality mom that your Skids have.
Be yourself
She doesnt like you being outside at pickup? Where does she get off thinking she can dictate ANYTHING to you that occurs in your home, on YOUR turf. Thats big cahones. You need to grow bigger ones than hers. She cannot say anything, and if she does who cares? She cannot do anything to you for simply being in your home.
And her abusing you - you need to have a talk with DH - he needs to stand up to her crazy, or you can get a restraining order on her if she starts threatening you at events. PLus you have witnesses.
Please dont let this toxic POS have this much power over you. You be the best you, and screw her - she can wallow in her misery.
I know what Im talking about.
Over a year and a half ago, I was unemployed for about a month. maybe 2. For a few years I was severely underemployed. Our landlord was pressing us to buy, but we had no down payment and I had no job.
WELL, July before last, Toxic Troll BM lost Her chit on me, and called me a "non working c@nt", an "effing b", and that she knows for a fact that she gives better bjs than me and does her hair and makup better too. She suggested that my then SO should throw me out on my a$$. Just crazy immature stupid chit.
Cut to now - a year and a half later:
1. DH and I eloped to a beautiful forest retreat and got married. We are SOLID.
2. SD and I have gotten closer.
3. DH and I just closed on our house
4. She lost her job.
5. I found a fabulous job where I have fabulous co workers, not 1 but 2 retirement accounts, I make as much as DH and he does pretty well. We are financially secure and life is getting better every day.
6. She is having to leave her crappy apartment for another crappy apartment. And this time DH is NOT helping her move. Not at all upon pain of a thousand deaths.
7. All those fabulous BJs havent gotten her very far, as she is ALONE without a boyfriend.
8. Her fabulous daughter SD20 stole checks from her and cashed out about 1600, or more, is still disrespectful and rude and dirty, and exactly like HER.
So THAT sister is living our best life. Be your best you...
'she knows for a fact that
'she knows for a fact that she gives better bjs than me'
I'd love to know how on earth she knows this!!