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Warning: It's a Rant

English's picture

Let’s see what you have to say about this.

EH and I have been divorced for over 7 years. We have 50/50 legal and physical custody of our 2 boys. We have a very cordial, understanding relationship. For this, I realize, I am very blessed. Since we have been divorced he has dated one woman for 5 years who moved in and out of his house no less than 4 times in 5 years. I watched my children go through a lot of turmoil during their relationship but I never said anything negative about it. The last time she moved out, I thought the relationship was over until they surprised everyone by getting married 2 months later. When I asked my children how they felt about the nuptials the week before the wedding my oldest (10) said he thought his dad was “crazy for doing this” and that they both thought there was an outside chance it wouldn’t happen (since she had moved out so many times, they didn’t have any faith in her follow through). The marriage lasted 11 months, the last half of which stepmom spent most of her time in “the depression room” which my boys told my mother that they named the extra bedroom she slept in when she didn’t want to sleep with their dad. Meanwhile, since she brought another 3 children to the marriage that left one of my children sleeping on the floor of their house. Nevertheless, I didn’t make any comments to my children or their father in any form how I felt about what was going on.

Next girlfriend. (Okay, so we live in a really small town and chances are everyone you meet knows or has met whoever you’re talking about.) So I’ve met next girlfriend in a completely unrelated situation. Our children were in pre-communion classes and the adults had to take classes together, we struck up a conversation. I thought she was nice BUT at the time, she was married with children. One of her children and my oldest (where he lived with his dad) lived behind one another. They played together when my son was at his dads. We organized a play date when they were about 8 years old. Her kid dropped the f-bomb in my house in front of my 6 year old and 12 year old step-daughter. Not cool. I didn’t confront her (maybe a mistake) although I did tell her 8 year old son, “I don’t know what is acceptable in your house but that language is not tolerated in this house.” I simply didn’t ask him back and tried to discourage the relationship, however, EH encouraged the relationship between the boys during his time. Apparently one nasty separation later, girlfriend finds herself in the arms of my EH. Just so happens that I work with girlfriend’s former best friend who was also called to testify in court during girlfriend’s divorce proceedings. Coworker testified that girlfriend has a drinking habit and drove her children around town intoxicated not to mention used said coworker as an excuse to cover up an affair girlfriend was having on her husband. Too much drama. I simply told EH, “Please be careful with this new girlfriend you have.” I feel that he is putting himself right back into another precarious situation.

I have many explanations for my feelings and maybe you will be able to identify some feelings that I am not able to being entrenched in the situation. First and foremost is the concern for the welfare of my children. My youngest can’t stand the woman. He told my mom, “Whenever she’s around my dad ignores us and she’s around ALL the time.” Although my own (2) relationships (later one resulting in marriage) since their parents’ breakup haven’t been exemplary, there has been a level of consistency. This year will be the 6th year anniversary of my second marriage. When I look to their father’s side, I get concerned with the unstableness of first wife (4 move outs, a nervous breakdown, quickie marriage and divorce) and now a potential winner that could possibly be an alcoholic that puts her own children and potentially my children at risk. I asked him why he couldn’t be content with just being with his boys instead of constantly dragging women through their lives but the only explanation I can come up with is that the man is in desperate search of a MOM. When I asked him what he sees in her (she’s terribly unattractive, has a gait reminiscent of a horse, a receding hairline and a constant cigarette dangling from her mouth) he replied that “She’s a good mom.” I asked, “What makes a good mom?” He said, “A woman that’s a good cook, keeps a clean house and is good with the kids but can also discipline them.” I simply replied, “Oh. Then that makes me a GREAT MOM!”

I told him today that I didn’t want to associate with her on any level. EH tells me “that’s not very nice.” You know what I say? I don’t have to be nice. I’m 39 years old. I don’t have to be f!@$#%!$#@ nice to anyone that I don’t want to especially someone who is infringing on the territory of MY children and is dangerous for them to be around. I’ll take a lot of crap EXCEPT when it comes to my family (sisters, parents, children I don’t care…don’t mess with my family). Dammit someone tell me where it says that I have to be nice to this person!


Catch22's picture

subject, because I try so hard to be nice to people I don't like in my line of work, and I just can't do it. Although I wasn't very fond of my ex's new wife, as I knew she was jealous of me being friends with her husband and that we had a son, and I knew she mistreated my son on an emotional level. But I was and still am nice to her, but she is happier now as my son chose not to go there at age 12 (legally acceptable in my country). I felt I had to be nice to her to set a good example to my son, as I knew if i hated her and showed it, he would never even try to have a relationship with her out of loyalty to me.

Didn't matter what i did he was never going to like her, but I didn't have to take the brunt of that fall, which I seen later was a good thing, the breakdown with his father would have always been my fault in their eyes.

Leave your kids to judge and keep your feelings hidden from them and EH. If she is that bad he will see through her, but I assure you the kids will first!! Intuitive little things thay are. Just try to talk respectfully and calmly to your EH, since your relationship is good and tell him if he ever lets them in a car with her or they are left alone with her, you will file for an immediate change in custody arrangements. Tell him your son already feels ignored and left out and see how he reacts. If it gets to bad maybe a custody change is in order...Good luck, hope it all works out for you Smile

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

English's picture

If I'm not mistaken, here the legally acceptable choice is for children 14 and older. We've given our children plenty of opportunities (especially in the summer when time is more flexible) to stay with one parent for longer than their 7 days (under very friendly circumstances we make sure, "neither dad nor I will be upset if you would choose to stay for a little bit longer with either of us this summer." but the children always insist on going back keeping the status quo.

I make sure not to vent to my boys that I think she's a complete jackass - I don't even mention that to my husband for fear he will have jealousy issues=given.

I will take your advice though and mention my younger sons' feelings.
"Bitter? Table for ONE..."

number1sm's picture

My ex had a live in girlfriend that was a nightmare. She drank, would kick my ex out of the house all the time, was So jealous of the fact that we had a child together that she just fueled the fire of tension and bitterness...just a loser. But, I knew deep down that my ex was a good dad and that he would do what was right for my son in the end. I knew he would never let anyone around my son that would hurt him or be mean to him. He did do what was right. After a couple of years, he had enough and moved out. Thank the Lord! My skids BM has had a live in boyfriend for about 3 years. He has moved out 3 times (about every year or so)and always moves back in. Like you, we just keep our mouths shut. You can't control what others do. We can only control what we do. My H and I just know that we are the stability in their lives. We show them a healthy relationship and family life. We have tried the fighting road. Not talking to eachother, not sitting by eachother at things etc. It really only hurts the kids. they can sense the tension even when you think they don't. I think you can only judge this new girlfriend based on your interactions with her. Lord knows, my divorce was SO nasty that if someone judged me on what they heard went on back then...they never would have allowed me near their kids. My ex called CPS on me during our divorce! Unfounded of course. But, my point is, that your ex has 50/50 custody. And you cant pick who he is or isn't with. Treat her how you would want to be treated. I know it is really hard sometimes. Your kids might come home and tell you things-like she is mean etc. But, you also have to realize that kids manipulate and have a different point of view than adults at times. Of course if something dangerous happens then take it from there. But try hard not to have judgements because unless you want to start a war fighting for more custody, fight with their BF, cause tension between everyone which in the end makes the kids hurt and have to find a way to just let it go. Try to have faith inyour ex that he wouldn't let anyone "bad" around your children....

English's picture

I believe, for the most part, that my ex is a great dad...except when it comes to women. He has this trusting faith that women are just all loving and great and motherly and I'll be the first one to tell you that women could bring down a nation by shear willpower...we are that gifted. I've seen some really positive female power and some shear evil. He just doesn't think or else he's thinking in his pants solely. Every adult I encountered after his first wife asked me, "What the hell is that man thinking?" :jawdrop:

Considering that I was the first, I can't help but do some comparison or is this just the fast track to driving yourself crazy? I don't know, sometimes I think, "He'll make the right decisions, he'll consider the boys and what's right for them." But then I look back at the past year or so and he really isn't thinking above the belt at all. :? :-? :puzzled:

"Bitter? Table for ONE..."

ColorMeGone2's picture

You don't have to be anything at all to her. Just work it through your ex. I bet she doesn't last long.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

English's picture

Thank you! Because I could not excavate anything even remotely nice from the depths of my soul.

The truth is that there's an event this weekend that involves our oldest son and I wanted to go because I really enjoy the company of the majority of the parents and I dont' mind being in the comapny of my EH who would bring my son but if he was going to bring the train wreck then I don't want to be associated with that for reasons previously described.
"Bitter? Table for ONE..."