The Hardest Part

Saturday, I sent a text to the ex to tell him that BS12 has a report due on Monday and he had about 3/4 of it done on my computer. I wanted BS12 to come over and complete it so he could hand it in. Ex doesn't respond until Sunday after noon, but he was on the way to pick up both BS's from their grandmother's where they'd been since the holiday and said he'd call me back when he had the boys and got home. Finally around 3, we arranged to transfer BS12 so that he can get his report done and it was late enough in the day, that he was just going to stay with me for the night and the rest of the week. BS10 had the option of staying with dad for the night or coming with his brother.

Here's the hardest part: BS12 grabs his stuff and jumps in my car while BS10 sits in the front seat of his dad's car and starts to cry. This child was so torn over whether to stay with his dad or come with his mom and brother that he was overwhelmed with sadness. He didn't want to stay at dad's by himself (without brother) but he didn't want to hurt dad's feelings by leaving him alone, nor did he want to hurt my feelings by opting to stay with his dad. We both kept reassuring him that neither of us would be upset and it was only for one night. It absolutely broke my heart. In the end, he decided to come with me. Ex called later in the evening to check on him because it rattled him as well. The most profound thing he said to me was, "The only constant thing they've had in their lives has been eachother."

It makes me burst into tears just to write this. I can't believe we've done this to our children. I can't help thinking that if we'd just worked a little harder they wouldn't have to go through this. So here that leaves me trying to patch up these shattered little lives and trying to convince them that what we've chosen for them is somehow better (especially when I'm not quite convinced of it myself). It just saddens me to no end...and somehow we're supposed to be role models for their future relationships.

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I have a question.....

Please don't take this the wrong way. I am trying to understand your situation and in a way compare it to ours. Could you have emailed the poject to dad for BS to finish it at his house? This way the whole situation could have been avoided. In our case, BM will never give her time if we were in your situation. DH looks forward and cannot wait for his weekends with his children and I doubt he would have given his time..he probably would have requested for the project to be emailed to him. Maybe you guys have better understanding with each other. In our case, we never get to see the children other than the scheduled visitation. Even if we are at the same place (ex.back to school night) they cannot come to say hello because "it's not their day with dad." Hugs to you and your family.

I Know What You Mean

We discussed me emailing the report but Ex's computer iternet was down (he lives so far in the country he's lucky he even has access to internet). If I'd been more organized during the holiday week, I could have taken it to work with me and sent it to his work but I forgot. Anyway, we tried to think of a way to avoid the situation in our discussions beforehand.

We have a very amicable relationship and share 50/50 legal AND physical custody of the boys so we're fortunate in that respect. He's an excellent father and I never wanted to cheat him of time with them despite the fact that some relatives and various professionals believe that the 50/50 custody arrangement is a bad idea (too much back and forth for the children). We've even discussed with the boys the option of spending more than a week with either of us during the summer for instance but they won't budge, they like it this way and for now, don't want to make any changes. I understand how different every situation is and that some rarely or never get to see their children so we're fortunate in that respect. That's really unfortunate (in your situation) that the children can not engage a parent in a public place when it isn't their time, I hope you all can work past that for their sake.

You are a Good Mom

English, I'm so sorry to hear how sad this is for you. It's so hard to see our kids struggle with these kinds of deep emotional issues and not feel responsible for it, especially with a divorce. I'll bet there's countless parents who have thought the same thing at one point or another. I know my DH wondered that outloud to me a few times. What if...what if...and it's simply because divorce is hard on children.

Thank God they are resilient. And be proud that you are focused on them to know how much nurturing they need right now. Many divorced parents are so focused on their own emotions that they forget about the kids. Your boys are really fortunate to have you.

...and besides, if you're having 2nd thoughts about the marriage ending, then think about it. Maybe you 2 could even go to counseling. Maybe it will help sort out your confusion. And if you stay apart or get back together, you'll have some tools to get you through whatever path you take.

In the meantime, try to not be so hard on yourself. You really are doing your best.

Thank You

for your kindness. I'm usually able to keep moving forward but every once in a while an incidence like this jerks me back to the emotionality of it all and the biggest thing I can reach for is a big helping of sadness and guilt.

The boys's dad and I have been divorced for 7 years and I've been remarried for 5 (he was remarried for a year and is now going through divorce number 2). I sometimes think that the turmoil in my own marriage is forcing me to withdrawal away from family ideals and causing me to focus solely on my children. I guess that might be twisted logic to some (your marriage is on the rocks so instead of giving more, you withdrawal) but after 5 long years of fighting for family values and respect for my sons and myself and seeing no changes, I've resigned myself stop trying to change what I can't and focus on supporting my boys to be confident and self-assured.

Thanks again for being a shoulder.

Not just a Good Mom, but an Awesome Mom!

English, you sound like a great mother, and don't for once doubt what you are doing. I'm writing this to you with two viewpoints. First of all I was in your kids' place. My parent's divorced when I was 1. I cannot complain for one bit about the way they raised me and the life I had. The always got along for the sake of me and they both remarried, have kids and I adore my stepparents. I'm now 22 and look back on the situation as being a stepmother myself to two young girls.

My dad and I had to go through counseling when I was 20 because there were some underlying issues with the divorce that neither of us had any idea about. Me included until it all surfaced when I was 20. I know exactly how your kids are feeling. They are trying to please their parents. I did the exact same thing. Trust me it is NOTHING you and your ex are doing. I can tell from your blog that you have two wonderful boys and they have wonderful hearts. The last thing they want to do is hurt you or your ex because they love you SO much. I was the exact same way. My parents put no pressure on me what so ever but it was just because of the type of person I was, I wanted to please. Now, as for what you can do keep reassuring them that you and your ex will be happy as long as they are happy with their choices.

Not to disappoint you even more, but your problems are just beginning with your kids trying to please you. Soon there will b-day and sleepover parties and the kids will feel like they don't want to go because it will "cut out on time" with a certain parent. For me I only saw my dad every other weekend and one night a week. If a friend had a party on my dads weekend I would feel guilty about going because it would cut into his time and I already didn't get to see him much. Just keep reminding your children your love for them will never change. Even if you start sounding like a broken record player, keep telling them that!

So, in response to the professionals saying 50/50 is bad I think that is a bunch of crap! You and your ex know what is best in your situation and I think that is great that the boys get to see each of their parents as much as they do. Now here is my advice coming from the step parent in me. I have two SD's aged 3. They have two different BM's. With their schedule we always had a least one and at least half of the week both. Now, what we were discovering was that they were acting different when the other one was at their mom's and the other one with us. Here is DH and my theory. When they are at their mom's they see her but are an only child. They crave for the playmate and the other "little person" who can understand them. When they come to their dad's and their sister is not there, they are withdrawn because they miss the "other half". So what we have done now is made their schedules coincide. It took a lot of work and bribing the BM's, but we did it and I think it will be the best for the girls.

So, I think your boys and ex are right. They rely on each other and they are the only "stable" thing they have, for now. I don't know how long you and ex have been divorced but I guessing it hasn't been a long time. Trust me things will get better. Kids ARE resilient but it does take them a little while to adapt to change and get comfortable with their surroundings.

One last piece of advice. I don't think you and your ex are bad-mouthing each other to the kids, but NEVER do this. I know it sounds like common sense but as human beings we can do this without ever realizing it. Those kids need both of you, and if one is bashing the other, it will only make them hate the one doing the bashing.

So, in closing I want you to know I feel for you. Just remember in time things do get better. Never let those kids think for once that you or or ex don't love them or that you are disappointed in them when it comes to decisions they have to make. I'm sorry this blog is so long, but I could relate on many levels and wanted to try to help you out! Hope some of it worked! Happy Monday!! Let me know if you need anything else!

Just read last post....

So, you have been divorced awhile, but DH is divorcing again and the boys world may be on the rocks again. But don't lose hope!!!!!! Just keep giving those kids a great example with your current H. If you guys are on the rocks, get help, if you both want to work it out! It is possible to show your boys a good marriage even if it is not with their father. My dad and SM did and I will be forever grateful. These boys are truly lucky to have a mom like you!!

Stepmommaof2

what a beautiful perspective! Thank you so much!

I think it is great

that you and your ex are so considerate of your children and their feelings. And your ex was willing to give up a night for his son's best interest. Isn't that all what it's about anyway! I cannot understand the BM's or BD's for that matter arguing about time. You will find out that the older the kids get the more you will have to flexible with the time, and the kids will get use to it, and then they will not feel so bad when the schedule changes. My BF's daughter was suppose to be with him this weekend, but BM's mom came to town, and he didn't get her until Sat night. No big deal, there will come a time when he will want to have her longer or on one of her mom's weekends. I just don't understand parents who are not flexible with the kids schedule. As I said, the older they get, the more flexible you have to be. Sometimes they want to ahve sleepovers, and would rather have it at mom's than at dad's. You have to let them have their friends over to whichever house they feel more comfortable. And if either parent doesn't promote the kids social lives then whichever parent doesn't - they will want to spend less and less time with you the older they get! I've seen it happen - with my step kids and with my BF's older daughter!

Think flexible - it's all about the kids and making them happy and well adjusted to their living environment..whether they live with their parents and have one house, or whether they spend time at BM's and BD's and have two houses. Kids can come out of a divorce and be well adjusted. But it's up to the parents!

Hanny

I totally agree with you and know that I'm very fortunate that we've gotten to the point where our choices are in the best interest of the boys. It was just hard to see my 10 year old break down over having to make a choice between us...it brought reality in check and made me realize I hadn't thought of how much this will always affect them (even though this is the life he's pretty much always known). It was a little wake up call of sorts.

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