Death in the bio-family
I had it out with my SO last night. BM's father died and he lived very, very far away. He has warned me in the past that this probably meant he would have to go and stay with his kids in BM's village if it was in school time while BM dealt with family matters/ funerals etc. OK, makes sense.
But as I came home last night I felt more and more anxious about this. Basically, he has had a tendency in the past to just agree any whim she requested and we had Christmas Eve basically dealing with her whims while I was at home crying because to me Christmas Eve dinner is more important than the day itself. And while we had the dinner - it caused me a great deal of stress. He drove her to the airport (fine, it's on the way) but was basically hanging around the airport so she could have the last few hours (AT THE AIRPORT) with her kids instead of starting our Christmas holiday. And OMG - read my blog post 'Snow Fun at All' about her squandering MY precious parenting time with my son.
She's selfish at the best of times so I knew she really wouldn't give a toss now. I told him I'm sick of him giving in to her 'requests' because he's still traumatised by the emotional abuse and because he's basically a nice guy. And while I'm ok with his kids' needs coming first, I'm not ok with her WANTS coming before my needs or my wants or even my convenience. I told him that he had to check with me before agreeing to ANY change of plan (no matter how reasonable) and that he had to have a phrase in his head ready to go "I'll think about it and get back to you as soon as possible." I told him it's a new regime and that our household HAS to come first - this household includes his kids but it doesn't include BM.
I also told him that I ended a relationship with someone who threw fits and who was emotionally manipultive because I couldn't live that way and I didn't expect to trade cowtowing to my ex to cowtowing to his ex. He agreed and he knows he messed up in the past. She is extremely manipulative and he's still frightened of her rages and he knows that she her takes bad moods out on his kids.
This took a lot of effort from me - because I am not used to speaking up for my emotional needs.
I genuinely don't want to cause her any extra distress at this time but she has burnt all my good will - and I did have a lot to begin with.
And finally - should I send a card? To BM + kids or just kids?
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I wouldn't send any cards to
I wouldn't send any cards to anyone. If you want to give a card to his kids while they're at your house, great. Otherwise, it's his circus his monkeys to deal with.
As for the other stuff, I can completely relate. My DH was also afraid of upsetting BM2. She programmed him to ask how high when she barked jump! He was convinced that it would be an easier life if he kept her happy over me. Like the Earth would self-destruct if he stood up to her. Me packing a suitcase helped to change his mind. He's epically told her off a few times since then.
I'm not sure what the right answer is for you but I hope your DH has figured out that keeping his wife happy and putting you as a priority is much easier than cowtowing to the psycho ex. Good luck to you.
I used to deal with this with
I used to deal with this with my DH, and it nearly ended our relationship. I made it very clear I wasn’t going to play second fiddle to any other woman, regardless of who she’d given birth to, and her emotional temper tantrums were for her to deal with, not his or ours. He could choose to stay with me or choose to keep putting her first, but he couldn’t have both.
How long will your SO be there? I’d put a cap on that as well, he doesn’t need to be there indefinitely ‘for the kids’. If BM throws a temper tantrum for any reason while he’s there taking care of his kids, let her throw one. He doesn’t need to tolerate it, or cow tow to that kind of behaviour, nor does he need to confront her about it. He simply ignores any texts or turns his phone off until she can behave like a reasonable human being. His ‘niceness’ would be fine if it wasn’t upsetting you, but it is. His priority needs to be his current partner, not his ex wife. ‘For the kids’ only stretches so far when it comes to exes IMO.
Oh I should have made clear
Oh I should have made clear that she wouldn't be there. Her parents live/d in another country, very, very far away - basically 24 hours travel time. I have no issue with him staying up there so the kids can be in school - they have to be in school and they are way way too young to stay on their own for overnight let alone two weeks! I won't like it, but it genuinely is 'for the kids'.
I have sympathy with the situation because I am American and live in England and this will one day be me. Latest is that she is not planning to travel to her home country. But I was clear again this morning that we weren't disrupting previously agreed summer or Easter vacation time to accomodate her.
Ohh hey there I'm an American
Ohh hey there I'm an American living in England. Don't suppose you're in the Southeast end?
It looks like if to upset one
It looks like if to upset one of you he chooses to upset you and not her. That speaks for itself and that might be because you’re so nice. After all of that I wouldn’t even think about sending a card haha. He just measures it and understands that she will give him more crap because you’re more reasonable. Show him that you’re serious and things will change if the situation won’t.
Op was hubby on good terms with exwifes family?
if he weren’t then i don’t see why he would go through all this effort for exwife.
my husband never visited exwifes family after they married. They’re so dysfunctional and psycho and threatened him for money and exwife was so high conflict. Now that she had the 2 daughters reinitiate contact with hubby last year 5 years after kidnapping them, if eldest daughter messaged hubby telling him her grandfather died i don’t see my husband taking time off work to drive her to see him or be there for the funeral.
hubby avoids exwifes family and had no contact in over a decade. He wants it to stay that way and whem they’ve threatened to kill him before during the divorce, you gotta be a screw loose to wanna go there and no guilt from his daughters would force hubby to go there... they’re perfectly capable of driving on their own...
if they were on civil respectful terms (which very rarely happens), most just don’t bother visiting or sending anything..
The deal would be she would
The deal would be she would have to go to her home country. Realistically if she went she'd have to be there a couple of weeks to settle matters. While she was gone he would stay with the kids in their village so they could go to school. Right now is a 'slack' period at work so he could work from home as much as possible. Right now she says she has no plans to go I suppose her brother is settling it. If it were me I would go and I would expect my ex to cover childcare while I was gone, I don't think this is different. This kind of situation only happens if you happen to breed/ shack up with foreign women. I recognise this isn't most people's situation. Maybe it's easier for me to 'get it' because this WILL happen to me if my parents die while my son is in school. If I my parents die when my son is out of school I will do my best to take my son with me.
The ex is perfectly capable of taking the kids along
But if she doesn’t because of financial constraints and asks her exhusband to care for them, then irrespective how he feels about her and her family i think this is just the respectful thing to do. If it means they have tovbe in childcare part of the time then it should be split. Your husband shouldn’t have to drive to her village unless this is in a court order.
i’m from a different country from hubby, hubby flew me back home when my mum died, there were no arguments about it. Reality is people do marry foreigners all the time and thats something they have to deal with a death in the family to at times they will just have to take kids in an emergency..
Of course we would take them
Of course we would take them here if it had happened during a school holiday. BUT they have to go to school every day. It's too far to go back and forth. I actually don't have any problem with him going up and staying there with them - they are 12 and 10. I mean I won't like it, but I'm an adult and I'll be ok without him for 2 lots of 5 nights.