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I don't want my BDs to turn out ANYTHING like SD20

Elizabeth's picture

Last night BD9 broached the topic with me of getting access to a video game she has heard about from her friends and wants to play. I guess she discussed it with DH first (because he is the more lenient parent) and he said, "I don't know why not. SD played that when she was your age."

OK, I remember this. This was an inappropriate game designed and labeled for teens, and I disapproved of it being bought for SD but what SD wants SD gets, so DH bought it for her. Keep in mind this man was also letting SD watch R-rated movies with sexual content at age 7, so that gives you an idea of his judgment abilities.

So I told BD my answer was no for three reasons:
1. The game is for teens, not 9-year-olds
2. Just because SD did it doesn't mean BD needs to do it too
3. I don't like how SD turned out, I sure don't need BD emulating her.

BD was mad and upset with me, but I'm not sorry I said any of it. BD does not approve of how SD treats me, but she is torn because I always emphasize how important family is and she knows that SD is part of her family. I hate putting them in this situation, but you can't protect them their whole lives. Besides, with the way SD treats her, I don't want her thinking it is OK to put up with being treated like crap. SD has only come to one of BD9's birthday parties ever, despite being invited and in fact living with us as primary parents up until BD was 5. She doesn't call them or send them a card on their birthdays, she NEVER calls them for any reason.


Elizabeth's picture

You are correct, SD has been abusive to my two BDs in the past. That's just ONE of the reasons I say she treats them like crap. Another way is deliberately NOT inviting them (or me) to her high school graduation just to hurt ME. SHE is putting them in the middle, I am the one who has to explain why she acts the way she does. And clearly I do NOT want them to be like her.

imjustthemaid's picture

I don't want my kids to be anything like SD16. DH likes to make comments about BD4 and how she is like SD. I keep telling him that no way in hell will she be like her because I am raising her the right way!

bulletproof's picture

I support your decision 100% and would do the same thing. In my explanation, though, I might have said, "SD is not my child. I did not approve of that video game for her, and I won't for you. There are people who are hired to rate these games for a reason. If you were at the Grand Canyon and there was a sign that said "DO NOT PASS: LOOSE GRAVEL" posted near a cliff, would you ignore the sign just because someone had in the past? Likely not. No is my final answer and if you continue to push, there will be consequences."

When I first came into the picture, DH allowed SS to play video games that were rated far past his age (though nothing super violent, it was enough to influence his behavior and IMHO contributes to the issues SS has now), he listened to music SS shouldn't have heard, and he talked about things within SS's earshot that he shouldn't have. I spoke with him about it several times and he would tell any and every person in the world now that he ****ed up big time and would never do the same thing again. I'm lucky, though, (I think) because I don't think a lot of DHs here would say such a thing.

As far as the relationship between them goes, I can relate to that also. I'm a good 10 years older than my younger cousins, and I have a few cousins that are close to my age (they are older, but only by a couple of years). We ALWAYS went to their parties because they are family, and we always spoke with them and took an interest in their lives. The only two people who didn't do that were my dickhead brothers and they have zero relationship with anyone in our family now, basically, because they're self-centered. I think if your SD did care about her younger siblings, she would go regardless if the party was catered to her likes or not...because the party is about the child whose birthday it is, not the guests. If we looked to appeal to the attendees' desires with children's birthday parties, we'd spend a fortune doing so.

LONGTIME SM's picture

Elizabeth. Nothing you did was inappropriate despite what others want to say Your husband was the one that brought his daughter up so you have every right to let your daughters know that you will not be letting them do things just because sd got to do these things. Your daughter was probably more mad that she didn't get her way than anything else. Add this to the fact that her older half sibling got to do this I am sure seems soooooo unfair to her. Totally expected given all of the comments on here about the issues in families where there are two different standards for raising kids dependent upon whose children they are especially when one parent is Disney dad.
My oldest is 19 and away at college. Her younger sister is remembered not all of the time but in increasingly sweet ways. Last time she surprised her by buying a cupcake for her from a couture bakery near her chool and presenting it to her with a sweet note written on the box to her little sister. So yes young adults do have it in them to be thoughtful and caring towards their younger siblings.

In my opinion you have every right to state that your children can not expect to do things just because stepdaughter did them. You are not alienating them from sd. If sd wants a relationship with your children then she should treat you in a respectful manner and work on her relationship with her siblings. You are not alienating them because you let your children know you do not approve of sds actions. To state otherwise is to tell you you have no right to parent your own children however you see fit. If ss acts a fool it is not alienation if you tell your children not to emulate that. The power of suggestion and comparison is in my opinion too strong for you to not comment on it. You have no say in sds upbringing but you sure as hell have the right to let your own children know that they better not even try to do the same.

Step parenting is hard enough as it is. Having nonstep parents telling us we are alienating our children because we have to answer why sd git to do something and they cant is presumptuous. If your child asks you this question you have every right to answer exactly as you did.

LONGTIME SM's picture

Yeah your right bad parenting is bad parenting . However the bad parenting is being done by Elizabeth's husband and she is left having to explain this to her children.

Letting your children emulate the results of bad parenting would be bad parenting on elizabeths part and she is not doing that. Being honest when your child asks you why she can't do something cause whineeeeeeee sd got to is not bad parenting.

. It is extremely inappropriate for ANYONE to insinuate that Elizabeth is a bad parent in this situation. Many of the bio children of people on this forum have to learn that they quite often do not have the same privileges bestowed upon them as a step sibling does because different rules and expectations are applied to them vs the Disney parenting applied to the step sibling.

Not being honest with your child about the reason for the difference is not fair to them and would build resentments in the child. I suppose you wouldn't know this though if you had not been through this before as its a situation hat only step moms with bios experience.

Elizabeth's picture

Thank you! I really am trying to do the best I can. I'm far from perfect, but I do believe shielding my BDs will only make it worse in the end. I have SO much resentment built up toward SD20, if I saw my BDs acting like her I would probably come down on them like a brick house. So it's better they know up front how I am feeling and how I expect them to behave than have me wig out on them later. Smile

Most Evil's picture

My siblings are spaced out over 13 years and we all acknowledged each others special days, because we are family and love each other.

When now some do not acknowledge, all I can think is, asshole!!
So there is an expectation of common courtesy!

SD is an adult for some time now and needs to act like one, with no excuses. Blaming the parents to me ends about age 10.

Biomomof2's picture

My exsd is my kids 19 year old sister. My dd turns 10 in less than a week. Her sister has been texting me asking what she likes and wants for her birthday. Sisters should care. Period. Their kids dad doesn't allow contact because he got caught in a lie by the oldest. Their only contact is with me. She calls about every 2 months and sends birthdays gifts. Kids called and congratulated her on her high school graduation. Yep, and this is my ex step daughter. Sorry this has nothing to do with age but everything to do with the person.
And yeh, you can say just because sd got to do this doesn't mean you can. My mom use to say so if everyone jumped off a bridge would you do that to?
In my house we have 2- 9 year old girls. One has 2 chores and double the allowance and an hour later bed time. The other has 1 chore she barely does and she barely gets an allowance and she goes to be an hour earlier. We tell her all the time, start acting like your sister and you will get treated like her until than you get treated like you act. Her bedtime is even earlier than the 7 year old and she doesn't get to stay up late on weekends. And with the step dynamic here sometimes we have used the line of well I'm your mom or your dad and I don't approve of you doing this even though so and so gets to.