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Step Daughter To Be Hates Me

Eandjhmom23's picture

I’ve been with my fiancé about a year now. His daughter is 18 years old . I have 2 other children from a previous relationship. I met his daughter shortly after beginning the relationship with him. We seemed to have hit it off pretty good. So I thought . She is 18 & I’ll be 27. So she’s not to much younger than me. Well after we got engaged (Christmas day 2018) she really got mad . She says it’s because her father didn’t ask her permission to marry me & she feels that I’m taking her place (I totally am not looking to do that) I even reached out to her and told her I’m not here to take her place & never will be . She lives with her mother & only really bothers with my fiancé when she wants money for something & he always caves in and gives her what she wants . She is pretty spoiled . I guess it’s all a jealousy thing .. I’m not sure why the hate towards me is so bad now all of the sudden. She said she won’t be coming to our wedding in September & she doesnt approve of it . We had a baby in January together & she has YET to meet him .. she doesn’t even acknowledge the fact that she has a new little brother . It hurts me . I really wish she would just get out of her head & realize that I’m going to be her step mother in September. I mean she is 18 so she is an adult, but it’s upsetting because we got along so well before I got engaged to her dad . I had a child with him ... did she think I was just going to be his girlfriend forever & nothing would come out of the relationship lol ?? I mean it’s gotten to the point where she has sent him text messages talking bad about me .. calling me names & just acting really childish . I try & just forget about the whole situation and live my life happy with him .. but it’s hard sometimes & some of the things she has said hurt me.


justmakingthebest's picture

The big question here is what does your FDH do when she acts out like that? Does he tolerate her behavior? 


Kes's picture

SD18 obviously has some major growing up to do.  But what does your FDH do when she insults you to him?  Does he tell her it's unacceptable and refuse to countenance it?  because if not, I would have doubts about whether marrying this man is a good idea. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Like the poster above what is your Fiance doing about his daughters behavior towards you? How does he approach it? Is he simply sweeping it under the rug or is he addressing her?

She says it’s because her father didn’t ask her permission to marry me & she feels that I’m taking her place.

^^^^^^^^^^^What her father decides to do with his life and who he chooses to marry is solely his business as a grown @ss man. He doesn't have to ask her permission for a d@mn thing and why she even thinks this is an option is beyond me......

She said she won’t be coming to our wedding in September & she doesnt approve of it .

^^^^^^^^^^ If she doesn't want to attend not your problem and her loss. It may be better that she doesn't show up. Enjoy your special day and do not lose sleep over this.

She doesn’t even acknowledge the fact that she has a new little brother

^^^^^^^^^ Again this is her loss and if she chooses not to see her sibling its strictly on her. This may be a blessing of not having her negativity around you and yours so no worries off your back.

Did she think I was just going to be his girlfriend forever & nothing would come out of the relationship lol ??

^^^^^^^^ She probably thought you were just temporary and didn't think a marriage would be a result.....too bad she was mistaken and she either accepts it or keeps it moving. I get you feel hurt but darling you have no control over other peoples feelings. Life is short! Enjoy your children, soon to be H and your life. Your fiances daughter is not a factor and shouldn't dictate your happiness.

Congrats on your baby and wedding!

Harry's picture

But I can’t see you having any type of relationship with this SD.  In her eyes she thinks she has so say in her father life.  As haveing to ask her permission to marry you. As long as DH understand, that you and your child comes first and where SD place is things should be ok.  If SD does not want to be part of your and your child life that her lost.   You can’t force her, and you should not lose sleep over it. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

and his daughter's feelings, you will be her father's wife,but she will never perceive you to be a mother of any kind to her.

You do not have to have a relationship of any kind with her. You simply need to be polite and civil if by chance you meet her.

She can see her father without you being present at all.

That may not be the most desirable way to live,but many people compartmentalize their lives in order to permit them time to interact without conflictwith all of people that they love .

Time may or may not improve your relationship with the daughter, but you are not marrying the daughter, and she is not obligated to like it approve of you.  You are not damaged in any way by the angry words that she texts to her father. Advise your partner that you are with him and that you have no interest in the angry messages that he receives from his daughter. Sharing those messages is not in any way improving your relationship with your partner. In time, he may use those very messages to say that he lost his daughter because of you.

Focus on the relationship between your partner and yourself. He is an adult, he should,on his own,be capable of managing his relationship with his daughter.

You are his partner;she is his daughter. Those relationships can be both healthy and separate.

Simpleton21's picture

She sounds like a spoiled brat, 18 and throwing a fit b/c daddy is getting married, read up on mini wife and you might change your mind on marrying him.  Sounds like you have a major mini wife on your hands.  I would be happy that she decided to not come around.  Enjoy that.  I'm sure if she does come around it will just be drama anyways.  

Dovina's picture

Like others have asked how does your FDH handle this? Obviously she is reacting this way because IMO he probably treated her more like an equal than a daughter. If that is the case, you have so much more drama to come. A mini wife is soul sucking. You need to ask FDH how he intends to handle her and her irrational mindset?

I agree with what Simpleton21 when said be glad she doesnt come around. When the mini wife SD's are punishing daddy and do not come around our lives are not toxic. The drama stays away.

twoviewpoints's picture

Might just as well resign ourself to being 'Dad's wife' when it comes to his 18yr old daughter. Sure , when and if she comes around she should show you respect as Dad's wife. Sure your DF should  stop taking her texts of bad mouthing (he needs to simply tell her he won't bother reading anything she writes if it's anti) 

Your and DF have made the decision to marry. Neither of you can force the young lady to like it nor approve of it. You can only make it clear to her that absolutely no rude disrespectable crap will be tolerated when or if she might be in your home and/or at any social activities you all might be present. 

You're on your third kid at 27 and there is obviously a large age difference between her father and you. You've known the man a year and already have a 3mo old baby together... things have moved pretty fast and I'm sure this isn't exactly the post divorce life the young lady pictured for her father. Does it matter? She's an adult and doesn't need a second mommy.

Go about your business and enjoy the start of your new marriage and budding family. 

tog redux's picture

I know that stepkids are always wrong on this board, but I actually have some sympathy for this 18 year old who is upset by her (let's say 50-year-old)  father marrying a woman who is 9 years old than her.   Not that it gives her the right to be rude and disrespectful, because it does not.  But I can certainly get why she might not be welcoming her with open arms.  

Simpleton21's picture

The "she feels like I am taking her place" part would be a huge turn off to me as well.  I mean gross.  At 18 you shouldn't feel like a SEXUAL partner of your father's is taking your place unless you are in an incest relationship with your daddy.  That is really gross....just let that sink in.....I don't think your husband is sleeping with his daughter but I think that they have at least an emotionally incest relationship if she feels that way!

still learning's picture

Very true, and lets put the responsibility where it belongs, on the adult Daddee who likely used sd18 as an emotional replacement spouse for many years.  

Healyourslf's picture

"I mean she is 18 so she is an adult, but it’s upsetting because we got along so well before I got engaged to her dad . I had a child with him ... did she think I was just going to be his girlfriend forever & nothing would come out of the relationship lol ??"

So many of us did not see the issues coming.  Nor did we have the insight about dysfunctional daddy-daughter behaviors until we were fully immersed into the relationship.  As long as you were just a girlfriend and no commitment was at hand, it was easy for SD to accept you as a temporary side dish. this point her idea of permanence as daddy's "number one" was still in place.  Once, she got news of the commitment(engagement), this turned her world upside down - and sounds to me like she is hell bent on creating division. 

18 years of age is far from any emotional maturity so don't have any expectations there.  It's a number, not a reality of life. And being only 9 years apart in age, SD is sure to see you as competition.  You know how a toddler brain works?  They're incapable of seeing any perspective other than their own.  They are controlled by how they feel and it is pretty much "all-or-nothing" thinking. You’re either all good or all bad. Ofcourse, she amped up the behavior...that's because she now has to "share" and this is not in her princess vocabulary.

Not sure what type of relationship DH and SD had.  "She feels you are taking her place" smacks of enmeshment with DH so ofcourse resentment is par for the course.  It will be on DH's shoulders to set the behavior straight by creating boundaries.  Clear "NOs" are in do not disrespect me or my do not get to control my life.

Learn what you can about enmeshed father-daughter pathology and share it with DH.  It will help you to gain an understanding of the distorted dynamics at hand.  The sooner you see what's coming, the better able you will be to deal with it...many of us disengage. Again, the burden of SD is your DH's. You take care of you and the baby.


ndc's picture

Well, looking at this from the perspective of an immature "adult" teenager - she meets dad's new girlfriend, who isn't that much older than she is.  Dad's girlfriend is almost immediately pregnant. Several months later dad is engaged, and shortly after that there's a new sibling.  That's a LOT of change for a teenage girl to process, and some of it might be embarrassing to her (everything embarrasses teenage girls).  I agree that his adult daughter has no say in his relationships or who he marries, but it's the girl's choice whether she attends your wedding and sees her half-brother.  She may come around once she's had more time to wrap her mind around the whole thing.

In the meantime, the important thing is how her father is dealing with it.  If he is allowing her to disrespect you, call you names in messages and the like without consequence, then he is contributing to the problem.  I would not marry him until he stands up to her and demands that she respect you.  But really, that's all she has to do.  She doesn't have to be your friend, and frankly, you are going to be dad's wife, not a stepmother, to her.  She needs to be civil, polite and respectful to you, and her dad needs to insist on that if she's going to be around you.  If she chooses not to be around, oh well . . . .  As long as your boyfriend recognizes that it is HER choice and not something YOU did, and doesn't blame or resent you, and puts your relationship first, it should be fine.

notasm3's picture

"Ignore the whore" - and count your blessings that you do not have to deal with her.  Tell you DF to quit telling you the horrible things she says about you.

Disneyfan's picture

The girl's actions and words are out of line, but her feelings about the whole thing are valid.

MANY BM's here are vilified for getting pregnant very early in a relationship.  It's shocking to see a man in a relationship with someone close in age to his own child or children.  The quick pace of all of this is mindboggling..

Again, none of this excuses comments and behavior.

STaround's picture

Dad's SO  has two kids already, now a baby, and they are not even married yet.  I do not give this situation most change to improve.  Dad does not care about his marriage being a role model for his 18YO.  It is sad. If FH were committed to being a good parent, he would not have done this.   

marblefawn's picture

If you think SD talking bad about you is extreme, you have a long way to go -- you are just getting the first hints of how ugly your marriage will be with SD. Do not underestimate how miserable SD will make your life.

Get used to this. It is unlikely to change. Best to draw a very strong boundary now so your husband to be knows you will take no shit. Trust me, leaving it all to work out on its own is foolish. You were warned. I wasn't.

Simpleton21's picture

OP, I'm sorry that some of these posters feel like this 18 year old's behavior is acceptable because you are younger than your husband.  Awfully judgemental on their part.  Anyways, I obviously don't agree with their thoughts on that.  At 18 I was moved out on my own and more mature than a damn toddler.  If an 18 year old is still in the toddler mindset then you should really be more concerned about your husband's ability to effectively parent than whether or not his ADULT child likes you.  

STaround's picture

1.  She is appreciably younger, and actually closer in age (in all likelihood) to her future SD.

2.  She has a child before marriage with her soon to be SD's Dad.  What type of example is dad setting?   She is coming into the marriage with 2 other kids.  Dollars to donuts, the SD will be pregnant soon.  

DAD is NOT setting a good example.  This will get ugly. 

marblefawn's picture

It doesn't matter how old anyone is. We don't let a 6-year-old hit or harass another 6-year-old and they're the same age. In civil society, there is an expectation of minimal respect for others -- but it's still respect. If this OP were the babysitter rather than a love interest, would it be OK for his kid to berate her? No!

While I agree babies before marriage isn't a good idea, kids today are used to it. They no longer ask how unmarried people can possibly have a baby! (yea, that was a question for kids in my generation!) That secret is out of the bag with these younger generations.

There's simply no excuse for any child to walk all over an adult.


Simpleton21's picture

Well then I'm a bad influence having children out of wedlock too.  How will an 18 year old ever make it with all the sinning going on around her...Good grief with your superior judgy attitude.....

How about teaching an 18 year old respect for others?!?! But nah, it is okay b/c daddee is such a bad example?!?! This is 2019 and lots of people have children out of wedlock and it is actually promoted by shows like 16 and pregnant (not saying I agree).  But bash OP a little more for not being holy enough!


marblefawn's picture

It's not about sinning. Marriage before procreation is purely a practical thing.