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Stuck between a Rock and a hard place, no clue what to do.

EbonyLynn's picture

So I havn't posted anything since I joined, mostly read what others are going through, that are much like myself, and read the comments. However I find myself stuck. I'm not legally a "step-parent". Mostly beause my BF and i aren't married. When I meet my BF he was living with his parents still (both of us in our late 20's)  and I moved in with him for about a year. When I noticed how disfuction his household was. My BF has no say in how he disaplines his daughter, she has NO respect for him or adults, or anyone else's things. After a year he and I decited to get our own apartment together, I though this would help him, me, and her kind of grow as a family, and maybe having a real mother figure around, because at the time her mother was MIA for 2 years, some things would change for the better. However this isn't so. My SD spends more time at her grandparents hour or her aunts then she does at home, when on school nights, when we both agreed that was a BIG no no. When she IS home she is just a brat. I know if she was my child none of this would be going down, however because she isn't my child I have very limited range on what I can do or say to her. Mostly because that would cause me and her father to argue, and one thing I told him, WAY before I meet her was that I would NEVER fight about her, and if it ever came to that, I would excuse myself. WE are supose to work as a TEAM. However mostly I feel myself just letting go of things that upset me for the sake of not fighting. 


I love him and her very much, and its at the point where I just can't dissapper, because she doesn't need people in and out of her life. But I'm going numb. I also a :"stay-a-home" parent; because I drive both UBER, and LYFT; so when he's not home I can be home for her, but its been a month and a half and she's spent the night maybe 4 nights; this wasn't the way I was raised, and its not how I want to be raised. Any advise? Should I just let him take care of HIS kid and just back off untill needed? Or should I put my foot down and just let the fight happen?


lieutenant_dad's picture

She isn't your daughter. Let him handle her and you back off. You exiting her life is more of a reflection on your BF's crappy parenting than on you as a person.

EbonyLynn's picture

I agree, however I also know, even though he wont admit to it, its HIS parents fault why their both the way they are. When ever he's put his foot down, in the past, and tried to disapline her, his parents would swoop in and do what grandparents do. He wouldn't put his foot down and say no mom, dad, this is my kid and I said no. So in all honesty he doens't know how to be a parent, because that role was taken from him since she was born. *shrug*

lieutenant_dad's picture

Nope, not his parents' fault. Your BF was old enough to procreate, and that comes with responsibility. Even if he didn't know how to be a parent, he could have learned and put his foot down.

My DH was a teen dad. He spent many years living with my FIL after he and BM got divorced because she bled him dry. But, even with being a young parent and living with his family, he STILL told his parents "no". He STILL managed to discipline his kids and make it crystal clear that HE was the parent and what HE said goes.

Your BF has choices. He just chooses to be lazy in his parenting and allow his parents to butt in. It means he gets to look like a strong parent without actually having to do anything. If he actually thought what his parents were doing was a problem, he'd cut them off at the knees with this BS.

Don't make excuses for him. He can do better. He has access to the internet. You managed to find a support group and seek out advice when you didn't know what to do, and you've been in it for far less time than he has. He keepa doing what he's doing because he is FINE with it. If he wasn't fine with it, he'd make a change.

ESMOD's picture

The problem is that if you stay with him...his lack of parenting will impact you.  His daughters behavior and what about future kids? Your bf is the problem... his daughter does what she is allowed to do. She wont know better unless adults teach her.

EbonyLynn's picture

I totaly agree. I say that shuff to him all the time, she's only acting out because you let her, because you don't tell your mom and dad to let you parent her, you don't ever fallow through with what you say, and she HERSELF has told me "i'm not scared, because i know he wont do anything." -she told me that while doing exactly what he told her not to do *eye roll* so I had to be the "bad guy" because he was at work, and take whatever she was messing with away. Which only caused her to act up the rest of that day. Mind ya'll she's 11 acting like a tolder. 

SecondNoMore's picture

I find it so frustrating to read these posts. Please find work that provides YOU with long-term stability and the ability to fully support yourself. It sounds like you lived with your BF in his parents' home for awhile, which is not good. And now you're choosing work with no benefits and no upward mobility to be home for his child. You need to be able to leave this situation if it becomes too much to take and know that you can move right into a place of your own. In life, it's always important to be able to do that.... Young, old and every point in between. Not sure whose decision it was, but a worthwhile guy will want you to fulfill your potential. I know this is not what you're here to ask about but it's just so important that you not completely build your life around a guy, especially one with so much baggage. 

If you're going to school and those are just side jobs, then disregard my independent woman rant.

SteppedOut's picture

1000000% agree! 

Why can't you work when she is in school? And, if she isn't there most of the time (with grandparents or aunt) how does this make sense?

What about your retirement? Health insurance? Freedom? 

EbonyLynn's picture

I am looking to going back to school, but mostly its a choice I made, it was working well, because when we were still living with his parents, his mother worked a full time overnight shift, and his father worked a full time day shift; so she was kinda alone most of the day trying to stay quite, and I didn't want that for her, she should be playing with her friends, or at a park or somthing. His parents don't live in the safest of places, so her going outside by herself wasn't allowed. 

However now that we are in our own place, i'm like what was all that for? So I agree with you. *biggrin*

Disneyfan's picture

Why do SMs blame grandparents that step up and parent their SKs instead of the bio parents that dump their responsibilities on them???

OP, you can fault the grandparents all you want, they are not in the wrong here.  They raised their granddaughter when went MIA and your BF sat back and did nothing.  Those same grandparents that you are blaming, allowed you to live in the home for a year.  

For a year they  allowed you to sit in their house, UNEMPLOYED. Meanwhile, BOTH of them were working and supporting you.

The fact that a grown behind man would move his girlfriend into his parents' home and not demand that she help financially, speaks volumes about his character.

This man doesn't WANT to parent.  He's happy with his parents and sister doing his job.

He is a useless father, an awful son, and he ain't great boyfriend material.


EbonyLynn's picture

Sorry for any misunderstanding, at the time of the post I was unemployed, when he and I moved into our own place, when he and I were living with them I had a job. I wasn't raised to let other people take care of me, and he and I though it would be good for me to move in with them to help out with bills and cleaing house, seeing how his parent, again, worked and no one was home with her. I worked 3rd shift at the time; so this let me be home for her while she was home, and when he was home someone was there. 

Now we are on our own, we moved to the other other side of town, and didn't want her to have to change schools so I agreed to drive UBER and LYFT to help with bills and also have time to pick her up from school and stay with her while he was at work. 

But to adress the first part of your post; I do blame them for not cutting the cord with him, and let him grow the hell up. He made an adult choice to have the baby when he was young, and instead of letting him take care of her, they pushed him aside and did all the work while he took care of the leagl stuff with his BM; and now that shes much older naither the grandparents nor him puts her in her place when she acts up. She tosses fits like a todler and they let her or bribe her. So when its her and I alone, it makes my job hard when I ask her or tell her to do something or not the do something that will harm herself or just plan shouldn't be doing. This child has looked me dead in the eye and told me things like, "I"m not scared when daddy yealls at me because I know he wont do nothing." I've seen him and his parents reward her for doing things that a she should already be doing, like not rideing our dog like a pony, or not yelling, by buying her things. So even IF they did let me live with them for a year UNEPMOYED, which they didn't, this has nothing to do with my current household and they way I am trying to prepar her for life. 


Hope that clears things up.