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Sun Tzu's Art of War (Part 6)

Drac0's picture

Before I begin this next lesson, I need to speak about my grandfather for a moment.

My grandfather was a man who accomplished so much in his lifetime. He was a champion boxer, a flight navigator, and a free-lance journalist. He also held a Master’s degree in English Literature. I actually followed in his footsteps for a time and worked for the same company he did. I lost count of the number of employees who approached me and introduced themselves as former colleagues of my grandfather. “So nice to see his grandson following in his footsteps” they would say. To say I followed in my grandfather’s footsteps would be like saying a mouse is following in the footsteps of a giant. I may be on the same career path as my grandfather, but I will never *BE* my grandfather. It’s impossible. Like the legendary Leonardo da Vinci, there can never be another man like him. He mastered so many different subjects and skills in his short lifespan. My grandfather had such an influence on my life that relatives are quick to remark how alike me and my grandfather are, both in character, mannerisms and points of views.

‘Why am I mentioning my grandfather’ you ask?

He was not my biological grandfather. My grandmother remarried when my Dad was around 3 or 4 years old several years after my biological grandfather died. In essence, my Dad was the stepson of my grandfather. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks when my Dad and I had a heated argument over a month ago (I posted a bit of this in my last blog post). My Dad, in an emotional outburst, said he doesn’t care about SS’s feelings and that I shouldn’t care either since he is not my biological kin.

“Is that how Granddad felt about you?” I asked.

I wish I could take that back, because that stung harder than a swarm of angry wasps. Maybe this confrontation between my Dad and I was necessary to put our lives and our family in perspective. Granddad, was really my step-grandfather but none of us; not my Dad, not my grandmother and certainly not me viewed Granddad as anything other than the true patriarch of my family. Granddad filled that role in such a way that still has an impact on us long after his death in the early 1990’s. However he filled the role of the step-parent so seamlessly. The fact that he is not my biological grandfather hardly registers with any of us in our family.

How is it then, that my grandfather found such joy and such success in being a step-parent whereas I find it frustratingly taxing? I wish I could turn back the clocks and ask him but I think the answer lies not in the approach my grandfather took but the ease in which he assumed the role. That is at the heart of one of my favorite Sun Tzu lessons.

Lesson 6: “A warrior is great not because he fights bravely but because he wins battles effortlessly”

I had mentioned before that one of the things I am doing in my role of being a stepfather was that I was filing the void that SS’s Dad left. When SS’s Dad realized that I was having some kind of influence on his son, he would contradict something that I have said or did with SS. For example, I gave SS a copy of the graphic novel “The Walking Dead”. SS was into zombies. When his Dad found out, he said that this stuff was highly inappropriate and that Draco should have known better. SS returned the book to me and told me he didn’t read it because his Dad felt it was inappropriate. “Well your Dad may be right.” I said, “There are comic books out there that would even make me squeamish, but there are lots of other zombie and horror comic books out there that you might like AND your Dad will be okay with.” In a flash we were at the book store and I began showing SS all kinds of horror comics/novels. There were TONS of material that were appropriate for teenagers.

Horror novels and comic books used to be passions of mine, so it was easy for me to guide SS through the myriad of shelves at the bookstore. Since SS was interested, I had no trouble keeping his interest peaked. He gobbled up everything I showed him. The conflict between SS’s father and me is not one fought with the heart or with the ego, but with the mind. Specifically, SS’s burgeoning intellect which SS’s father continues to ignore. Children don’t stay children forever. For the longest time I could not connect with SS on any intellectual level, much like I could not connect with my grandfather when I was a kid. Everything my grandfather did, or took an interest in was WAY over my head. Later, as I grew and matured, my grandfather’s influence began to take root. So it is with SS.

I am not saying I have an advantage over SS’s Dad because I am smarter than him. My advantage comes from the fact that I am better skilled at cultivating SS’s interests. Now it is possible that those of you reading this are stuck in situations where you don’t want to have anything to do with your Steps (or that your steps won’t have anything to do with you). If so, then your role of a step-parent is handicapped. Your influence will be kept to a minimum but remember, you *still* have an influence and that shouldn’t require much effort on your part if you know how to wield it. I will try to talk about this in the next Sun Tzu lesson but like my grandfather taught me, influence is very subtle thing. He never once shouted, exhibited anger or disappointment in me. He captivated me, using his gregarious nature which I have somehow inherited from him. Even my fascination with horror is also something I inherited from him (and believe me, THAT is a story unto itself!).

Next lesson ““You must blend and harmonize your forces before making encampment. Without harmony, no military expedition may be undertaken.”

Comments

Drac0's picture

Yeah, got a lot of stuff going on and a lot of things causing the hamster wheel in my brain to go into overdrive at the moment.

Is it the weekend yet?

nothinforya's picture

Your grandfather didn't have to compete with anyone for his rightful place in the family. Death of a parent is very different from divorce, where the other parent is still around to make trouble.