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The Ex Zone (OT)

Drac0's picture

Tales of ex's and the bizare things they do! Feel free to share yours!

*cue Twilight Zone Music*

Introduction: "There are women out there that whilst known to man, defies explanation. They have dimensions that looks as graceful as a gazelle and yet be as peculaiar as a platypus. To know them, is to stand in the middle ground between comedy and sheer horror, between misery and insanity, and they always hone in on the deepest pit of man’s fears and defy any and all logical explanation. This is the women some men are cursed to have known and to even think of them invites the stuff of nightmares. It is, what we call ... The "Crazy Ex Zone".

Meet Drac0. He is a kind, hard-working man who has a penchant for geek hobbies. Whilst this may seem a little odd to some, his wife also has a penchant for the same hobbies. Unbeknownst to Drac0, his wife's "passions" far exceeded his own and unwittingly dragged him into the darkest corners of the Ex-zone.

Our tale begins on a bright summer day in 2001. Drac0, after many years of hard work has finally garnered the respect and admiration of his peers. His supervisor, has selected him to attend a week long training seminar in New York, an event that will not only secure his position with the company but may even possibly lead to a promotion.

Drac0 arrives home, anxious to tell his wife the good news.

Drac0: "Honey! Guess what!? Remember that training seminar in New York I was telling you about? The boss wants me to go!"

Wife: "How long is this seminar?"

Drac0: "A week."

Wife: "A WEEK!?!? What the hell Drac0!?"

Drac0: "What's wrong?"

Wife: "What am I supposed to do for an entire week while you are gone!?"

Drac0: "Whatever do you mean honey-bunch? I shall call you every day."

Wife: "No you idiot! I mean who is going to buy the groceries, cook the food and drive me to work!?!"

Drac0: "I am confused. You are a full grown, university-educated woman. You cannot do these things yourself?"

Wife: "Don't patronize me! It's not right for this company to send you away for so long! Who do these people think they are!?"

Drac0: "I...I'm sorry pumpkin...I thought you would be pleased?"

Wife: "Well I am not pleased! This is f*cking ridiculous! And you are f*cking ridiculous for thinking I would be pleased!"

Drac0 suddenly feels ashamed. He had not realized that his wife had come to rely on him so much to take care of her. Drac0 takes it upon himself to please his wife every day up until the trip inluding cooking all her favorite meals, making sure all the bills are paid, cleaning the house, and doing the laundry. He also makes sure there is enough gas in the car and food in the fridge so his wife has enough to get by in the week that he is absent.

Sadly, only one chore remains undone.

Drac0: "Honey, I am sorry to have to do this, but the lawn needs cutting and it has been raining every day for the past week."

Wife: "So?"

Drac0: "Well...urm....The lawn my dear. You will have to mow the lawn - by yourself."

Wife: "WHAT!?!? What the hell are you talking about!?"

Drac0: "Oh it is fairly easy. Here, let me show you..."

wife: "Can't we hire somebody to do that!?"

Drac0 gingerly leads his wife to the garage and shows him the lawn mower. Drac0's wife listens to Drac0's explanations with as much interest as one would have cleaning a septic tank. Content that he has prepared his wife for the week, Drac0 kisses her goodbye and leaves for the Big Apple.

Two days later, Drac0's in-laws pass by for a visit.

MIL: "Where is Drac0?"

Wife: "In New York."

MIL: "Why? What is in New York?"

Wife: "I don't know, his company keeps sending him places and always at the last minute."

MIL: "Oh? Well what is he doing in New York?"

Wife: "How should I know!? He's probably boozing it up and slipping twenties to strippers in strip clubs."

MIL: "Oh my word! How....How could he!?"

FIL: "Look ladies, at least he has a good job. Oh by the way, your grass looks a little long. why hasn't Drac0 mowed it?"

Wife: "I don't know Dad! He's lazy!"

MIL and FIL look at each other and take pity on their poor daughter as the first seeds of resentment towards Drac0 begin to fester. In the few weeks following his trip, Drac0 would find his relationship with his wife begin to go astray....


Drac0's picture

Actually, I left some stuff out.

My father-in-law returned the next day and mowed the lawn for her...

My ex actually looks a lot like Emilia least she did when I first met her. Now she is a ballooned-up version of her.

Drac0's picture

Khal Drago? Eyes and nose, yes.

I can ride horses and probably poor molten gold on tyrants heads if the situation permits....

His body and that long hair though?.... Not even close

another step's picture

Holy crap - I seriously lust for Viggo Mortensen. I once dated a guy who was a dead ringer for a young Alec Baldwin but he also was a complete psycho. Why can't guys that look like that just be hot, sit where they are told and keep their mouths shut? Wink

misSTEP's picture

Mine was Steve Baldwin (before he went all weird) but also psycho...and a womanizer.

Drac0's picture

The best part is that she would flip/flop between "hardcore feminist" and "damsel in distress" in the space of the same minute.

Me: "Honey? Would you mind making us dinner while I go work on the car?"

Ex-wife: "Why should I go make dinner!?!? Is it because I am a woman and women are expected to slave after the man in the kitchen!?!? I am not that kind of woman Drac0! We don't live in the Medieval ages! To even ask me nicely is insulting!"

Me: "Okay fine! I'll go fix dinner and YOU can go change the flat tire on the car!"

Ex-Wife: "I can't do that, I'm a girl...."

Tuff Noogies's picture

mine was just an asshole. no strange stories to tell or craziness, just an asshole so i walked. no kids or anything either, so havent had to lay eyes on the fucker since signing the settlement agreement.

dumbass, on the other hand.... well ya'll have already heard some of her crazy antics...

"the middle ground between comedy and sheer horror, between misery and insanity" - YOU NAILED IT.

Drac0's picture

>And, no, just because your last name is Scottish doesn't mean I am ok with you going.<

Well, could have been worse? His last name could have been Greek?

Okay....That was bad....

simifan's picture

Wow! That is something.

For the record though, I am a full grown, university-educated woman but there is no way I am mowing the lawn. Before DH & I were together I paid the high school kid down the street to do it.

BSgoinon's picture

The creepiest part... Drac0 has his house bugged, that's how he knows the conversation between his FIL, MIL and exWife verbatim while he was out of town Wink

Drac0's picture

ex-wife and MIL relayed the conversation to me when they both started leaning on me to "correct my laziness".

Apparently, me not becoming president of a multinational engineering firm within 5 years of me working here was evidence to my inlaws that I am not working hard enough. Me not mowing the lawn before I left for my business trip was "smoking gun" proof that I am a lazy git and their daughter could have done much better (read: marry someone of the same ethnic/cultural background).

Accordn2L's picture

My ex-husband was helpless like this! If I wanted to go out of town to visit my parents I would have to stock the fridge, prepare meals in tupperware so he could heat them up but not wash them afterwards, etc... He lives back home with his mama now, he's 48. She cooks all his meals and still irons his underwear. I'd rather mow my own grass than put up with another whiny ass man ever hahah.