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Tired of dh and his tit for tat bull crap!

Doorsy's picture

Last night I asked dd and sd to get me coat hangers from their rooms as I needed to hang up some clothes I had just finished. DD brought me about 10 and sd never moved. When those 10 were gone I asked sd to go get me some from her room and she said she didn't have any. So I decided to go in there and get them myself. I told her that I was going to ground her a day for each coat hanger. She had 14 so I told her she was grounded for 14 days. Dh says nothing and then gets up and leaves, he comes back with 63 coat hangers from dd's room and told her she was grounded for 63 days. I told him no and we wound up in a huge fight. The point is that sd didn't listen and dd did. It wasn't about the coat hangers it was about not helping while I did everyone's laundry. I know that the advice will be to stop doing hers and dhs and stop disciplining her but then she gets away with everything. We are seeing a marriage counselor who says we have to work together and be us against them. I know if I un ground dd then dh will never make sd be punished and she will have no rules in our home. I am just so sick of this crap!

Comments

Noidea's picture

OK grounding for one day per hanger is a bit much lol. I will never understand some people's reasoning if she doesn't want to help then she gets no help seems like a no brainer. I also don't believe in discipline being doled out by someone who does not love or at least care deeply about the person being disciplined. You can only present a united front if both parties are on the same page. Your poor dd 63 days because you insist on disciplining someone else's kid. I know it's hard but your focus should be on your relationship and raising your daughter making sure your SD doesn't get away with everything shouldn't be your focus.

Doorsy's picture

It was supposed to be an eye opener for sd. I am just so sick of her getting away with everything and never helping with anything. She flat ignored me so I wanted to make her feel the punishment so next time she would be more inclined to do as I asked. Dh grounding dd was unnecessary and done out of spite.

Putain des Palaces's picture

I registered a couple of days ago because I was looking for somewhere to basically hang out with other steps and maybe vent a bit.

I didn't expect to see the level of hate that I've read. Frustration, anger, whatever ... I get that. Just as I get that some skids (ahem, I have a couple myself) are only two horns away from being diabolical; I just didn't expect to read what I've read.

I guess this isn't the right place for me.

JustAgirl42's picture

LOL!!!

CANYOUHELP's picture

I am the first to admit, I do not like mine, but they are adults....hahaha. The feeling is quite mutual; and it did not start that way for me, but within two years it certainly ended that way.

Studies indicate 80% of the SM's are disliked by their steps, regardless of what they do or do not do.... 80% of us could not be all bad, selfish, self-absorbed people.

Just sayin...

CANYOUHELP's picture

I am not certain what kind of study was conducted; qualitative or quantitative; most likely descriptive research, I would bet...to reach this conclusion. As I recall, it was my understanding all stakeholders were subjects (SM and StepKids), to obtain comparative data for fair interpretation.

Regardless, because there are 80% of us, even on this board; it certainly does keep you quite busy in responding back to OP's...:-), huh?

CANYOUHELP's picture

Not all step situations are bad---there is a whole successful 20% out there!!!! Or 1 out of 5....This happens REGARDLESS if you love or hate each other-- either way.

CANYOUHELP's picture

To a degree we all get it, you are first chair and then somebody new comes along and pushes you back; but how the husband/daddeee handles it determines how ALL others adjust to the new dynamic.

TwoOfUs's picture

Dup.

TwoOfUs's picture

It's referenced in the book Stepmonster, with a citation, and it's adult stepkids who were surveyed. This statistic seems to hold true no matter how long the SM has been in their lives, and I've seen it play out in my experience with some wonderful people I know who happen to be stepmoms.

Given that statistic, I feel very blessed that my skids mostly seem to like me and accept me. I don't know that we'll end up being "close" as they get older...but it's not too bad.

Disneyfan's picture

Why is it bullshit? There are plenty of step parents out there who do hate they stepkids. (Any yes, SOME of those folks have valid reasons for the hate) Why is it so wrong for a parent or someone else to acknowledge the hate?

Just J's picture

Because in this case it is the typical bio parent deflection, the go-to retort when a stepparent makes even the SLIGHTEST negative comment about their Skid. The OP was lied to by the SD and she doled out a consequence but now she hates the kid? Maybe she does, but I don't think you can come to this conclusion from just this post.

Just J's picture

I agree the punishment was excessive but I have a feeling her DH wouldn't have approved of any kind of punishment since he just sat back and let this whole situation happen in front of him and didn't step in until his own ego over his daughter got bruised. Dad reacted alright, like a child. I really don't see how anyone is justifying dad's fifth grade behavior.

TwoOfUs's picture

Huh? How do you figure it's easier to discipline someone else's kid? In my experience it's much, much harder...even when it's badly needed. That's why a good percentage of women are on this board, in fact. They don't feel comfortable disciplining the skids but their homes are becoming intolerable.

I agree with others who have said to disengage. It's lose-lose for a stepmom with a husband like this. I don't discipline my skids, because, again, it makes me uncomfortable...but if I did, my DH would back me up because this is my home and we are the couple.

Disneyfan's picture

I assume that comment was based on all of the OP's blogs, not just this one.

Based on what the OP has posted, she and her husband do hate (or strongly dislike) each other's kid. It seems like her husband is able to keep his feelings in check until the OP crosses his crazy line with his kid.

twoviewpoints's picture

"seems like her husband is able to keep his feelings in check until the OP crosses his crazy line with his kid."

Ding...Ding...Ding

We have a winner!

BethAnne's picture

You both sound petty to me. Can you two call a truce and work out a better way to move forwards? It is not healthy for any of you to live in a house where this kind of nonsense goes on, you two adults need to sort it out before it does lasting damage to your marriage or your children.

Peridwen's picture

The problem with the 'us against them' that your counselor is asking you to use, Doorsy, is that your DH is NOT following it. You shouldn't have HAD to threaten SD or go get the hangers. If it was truly DH & Doorsy vs SD & DD, your DH would have gotten up and made SD get the hangers, or handed down the punishment himself. He also could have pulled you aside and said that while SD should get consequences, two weeks of grounding is too much. Instead your DH is caught in a DH & SD vs Doorsy & DD.

You agreeing to punish DD for not bringing you every single hanger (when that is not what you originally asked for) has turned it into DH & Doorsy & SD vs DD. Don't be surprised if your DD starts acting out. Honestly I would say that you allowing DD to be punished when she didn't do anything wrong is abusive. YOU are letting your daughter be abused in the name of keeping your man.

BTW, my DH says your DH is a dumb@ss who shouldn't be a parent if he's that f&*(ing childish, and if my DH were your DD's dad, he'd be having some words with his lawyer about changing custody to get DD out of your home. So it's not just my opinion.

Edit to add: While 14 days may be exessive, DH and I have done similar things. It may be excessive for this single incident, but when it's a continuing thing the excessive consequences are an eye-opener.

Disneyfan's picture

The mother and father are going to give them a fit if they find out about what's going on their home. Both of them are being petty.

First it was the OP with SD's book bag. Now it's the husband with her daughter and hangers.

thinkthrice's picture

Drop the grounding for both SD and DD then disengage. H is showing that he wants you to care more for his child than he does. Not training, disciplining nor teaching your child is parental abdication.

You simply cannot care more about a child than the bio parent. Especially when he's sitting right there observing the drama. You probably won't be able to announce your disengagement and be prepared for an angry response from H when he sees you will no longer take 100% of the responsibility while, at the same time, having 0% authority over HIS child.

Doorsy's picture

If i take the grounding off sd then sd will see she has no reason to listen to me. Dh will not enforce any rules with sd so she will run rule free while dd has rules to follow. At least now sd follows some of the rules and only ignores me if she thinks she can get away with it. If i don't do sds laundry when I do everyone else's then dh will single out my dd and not do anything for her. I want to disengage with sd but I don't know how to do it without leaving my in the cold with dh.

Peridwen's picture

Your DD is ALREADY IN THE COLD WITH DH, FFS! She's being punished for absolutely NO fault of her own, and you actually WANT her to have a relationship with your DH? What is wrong with this picture???

Disneyfan's picture

Why are you willing to live like this? Every single person in that house sounds unhappy and miserable.

Putain des Palaces's picture

Dude why is this even a question?

You have clearly stated that you know that DH will single out your DD. Why is that acceptable to you? I'd ask him the same question ... why is YOUR behaviour acceptable to HIM?

Why do you think it's okay to make a victim out of BOTH children? What on earth makes you think you have that right?

Get those poor kids out of there and place them with someone who actually gives a crap about their welfare. You and your dear H make the rest of us stepparents look like crap.

MollyBrown's picture

You both have been playing the tit for tat game since you started posting here. Between the ruined Christmas dinner and the backpack fight, it sounds so miserable at your house. You both need to to disengage.

Doorsy's picture

It sounds like we are unhappy but we aren't. Most of the time it's great in our house and between us and each others kids. It's just when sd misbehaves and I correct her then dh thinks my dd needs punished if she did the same thing. Even if the same thing is seperate. Like dd brought me hangers and sd ignored me. Why is dd getting punished? I took dd off punishment just now and dh told sd she could get her phone and he told me if I am going to punish sd then dd needs to be to the same standard. I'm frustrated because dh never parents dd unless I parent sd. Sd is normally good but even good kids need parenting. Sd is lazy in her chores and that is what is so frustrating.

TwoOfUs's picture

How so? Her DD brought hangers when asked...bringing 10 hangers at a time is a lot for a kid of that age.

TwoOfUs's picture

Huh? It's not a matter of weakness...it's a matter of hand size. I'm a grown-ass woman, and I can't hold a stack of much more than 10 hangers myself. Quit being absurd.

TwoOfUs's picture

I have no idea what you're trying to say, but I'm done engaging.

I'm from an intact family, and my own mom would have tried to divide the work fairly like this between her bios. We actually had color-coded hangers so we could quickly see which laundry in the laundry room was ours and take it up to our rooms. Worked really well.

OP was hanging laundry for all...so BOTH girls should bring hangers. DD did so, SD did not. Not sure what is so difficult to understand here. Why should the cooperative kid get punished at all, let alone MORE than the uncooperative kid?

TwoOfUs's picture

I'm not making an excuse for the bio because she actually did what she was told while the other kid sat on her rear doing nothing.

You're the one making excuses for a lazy, entitled skid by saying the bio, who was trying to be cooperative, didn't do a good enough job.

In my family, we didn't get punished for trying. But we did get punished if we refused to listen or obey at all. That's the difference here.

But I see the SM-attackers are out in full force, as usual. It's never cool to mock a child on Steptalk!!! Unless that kid happens to be the bio of a stepmom...

MollyBrown's picture

Ten at a time is not a lot for a 13 year old. Lol.

The SD was wrong and should be punished by her father for not listening. But the daughter did a lazy first pass of the job, too.

JustAgirl42's picture

How many hangers do you think the dd should have brought down so that she wouldn't be called lazy? Maybe the OP didn't need more than 20?

MollyBrown's picture

She had 73 in her closet. That's a clear sign she hasn't been emptying her closet of hangers. Lol.

These two parents are playing a tit for tat game for at least months. they need to acknowledge it. Punish their own kids when it is due and for the love of God, disengage!

JustAgirl42's picture

The simple point is that the dd did what she was asked and the sd was disrespectful and sat on her ass. Dad should have gotten on her about that, especially since OP was doing her wash for her/him.

The parents need to come to an agreement that each of them can only tell their own children what to do and discipline them accordingly. That is difficult to do if they cannot come to an agreement on what those things are. Otherwise the girls will end up being treated differently and the tit for tat will never end.

twoviewpoints's picture

"bringing 10 hangers at a time is a lot for a kid of that age"

You're not serious, right?? :?

Next you'll be telling that 13yr olds are not old enough to reach the washer and dryer functions, or carry a load of wash to and fro (those dainty hands, ya'know )

This entire episode of hanging up laundry and hangers is bull. Grounded 14 days per hanger. Pfff. Good for SF for calling out 63 hangers on his skid. A skid is a skid, right. What's right for one skid, must be ok for another skid.

Every time I read blogs from this OP I find myself wondering if there are any adults in the home.

The poor counselor has no clue what he/she is getting into when these two show up for their session. He/she will think there are two more 13yr olds siting in front of him/her.

If there's ever been two parents/stepparents who need to tend to their on kid and stop worrying about the skid, it's these two. Both girls are skids. There is no precious little innocent bio kid here. Both girls are stepchildren. Both parents in the home are stepparents. And both parents are bound and determined their little cupcake is gold...the other one evil.

One may ask why one kid only has 14 hangers in her room, but the other kid has 73. How bout, hen kid brings laundry to the laundry room they also bring a hanger for each item to be hung after laundered? Hey, adults too. Hangers galore at the fingertips where and hen needed. This isn't rocket science.

TwoOfUs's picture

The DD listened and brought hangers, the SD ignored the request of the adult in the home who was kindly doing her laundry. Why is this so difficult for some people to grasp.

Anything else is blatantly reading into the situation. Who knows why DD has more hangers and who cares?

Doorsy's picture

If i would have asked her for more she would have gotten me more but I asked sd since she didn't get any the first time. Dh is arguing that she heard me asking for some and she should have gotten me some. I said so should your dd and he agreed. He said he is fine with my punishment but wants both girls held to the punishment I doled out. That isn't fair to dd.

Disneyfan's picture

YUP

Just J's picture

Wtf? How many articles of clothing do you think she had in one load? I don't know about you but even in my adult wardrobe I do not have even close to 60 articles of clothing in one load that require hangers. You're grasping, as usual, to make the SM and her bio look bad.

Noidea's picture

OK so the child that did as she was asked should be grounded while the child that did not do as she was asked should be excused wow ok. SD could and should have gotten off her lazy ass and brought 10 of the 14 hangers found in her room to op so her I repeat her clothing could be hung up.

JustAgirl42's picture

It seems to me that the start of this was that sd was a lazy disrespectful brat no matter what happened after the fact.

Just J's picture

"So of course he retaliated."

You act like this is ok. Ridiculous. Spouses should not be retaliating against each other, that's incredibly immature. The OP's DH needs to grow up and if you believe what he did was ok, then so do you.

Just J's picture

I agree with the part about having the SD hang her own clothes. Natural consequences make more sense. And if I was the OP I'd tell my DH that he can take care of his daughter's laundry because he obviously doesn't like how I do it. But the part about what the husband did in retaliation is stupid and petty and was completely irrelevant to the original issue. He just didn't like that his snowflake was punished and what he did was BS.

MollyBrown's picture

Have you read her previous blogs? They have been doing the tit for tat dance for as long as she has been posting. It's a hurtful cycle that they have to choose to end.

notarelative's picture

Yes, SD should have gone to get coat hangers.
Yes, DD did go get 10 coat hangers.

But, I'm stunned that your DD had an additional 63 coat hangers in her room. She knew you needed hangers and yet she only chose to bring ten.

DD is 13. SD is 16. Time for both of them to learn to sort, wash, dry, fold, hang, and iron if necessary. It's a life skill they both need to know. You teach DD. DH teaches SD.

If DH doesn't know how, teach him and SD at the same time. He can then help SD when she forgets to do her laundry. Then post the instructions the washer, the dryer, and the iron so no one can claim forgetfulness. They all can read.

Noidea's picture

Wow I didn't realize their ages dd at 13 and SD at 16 why are you doing anything with either of their clothes? My son's requested requested I not do their laundry around 11 but I definitely would not be doing a 16 yr olds laundry and ironing that's just irresponsible parenting. I especially would not be doing it if the minimum of help requested isn't provided. Your situation is throughly exhausting just reading it don't know how you live it.

twoviewpoints's picture

There are two children, both girls, that belong to OP's DH. One 13, one 16. The 16yr old is 50/50. The OP has a daughter, 13yrs old.

OP has never made it clear if her daughter is in home all the time or 50/50 or whatever. She has also never made it clear how often the SD13 is in home.

It is the two 13yr olds that get pitted against each other.

It would be helpful to know which of her stepdaughters she is venting about, I didn't realize there were two until the car post blog. The Crock-pot roast at Christmas was the SD13 vs BD13. I think, bookbag gate was SD13, but it wasn't specifically said which SD.

As this vent blog is going on about how the SD is never punished (as in the crock-pot blog) I am assuming this blog is on BD13 and SD13.

Thumper's picture

Teaching Life skills is correct.

It is time for your dh to show his bio child some. PUT it back on him. You can do that with out any tit for tat. Say nothing and do nothing works very well.

still learning's picture

I feel like grounding punishes the parent more than the kid! It would be really hard to enforce 2 weeks of grounding if you can't even get her to bring you her hangers plus DH will fight you about it.

I would stop doing her laundry. Eventually she'll either get in line or DH will take over...unless he's like my DH. I've been sick this week and havent done laundry for anyone. DH couldn't find any clean underwear (because they were all in the dirty pile) so he went out and bought a new pack of undies. Gotta love his proactive solution Blum 3

Peridwen's picture

OMFG! Are you people serious? Are you ACTUALLY saying that you think DD, who got off her ass and went and got a handful of hangers when asked, should be PUNISHED more than the LAZY POS SD who did NOTHING simply because you dislike DOORSY?

Where the hell did common sense go? No matter how you feel about Doorsy's actions - saying that her DH is fully justified in punishing DD for ONLY bringing 10 hangers when no specific number of hangers were specified, is one of the most DISGUSTING displays of victim blaming I have ever seen!!! Out of all of the people in that damn house, DD is the ONLY one who didn't do anything wrong, and you FUCKING VULTURES are picking on her. I'm having a hard time thinking anyone on this thread should have procreated or give ANY parenting advice from the level of sheer idiocy! Wow!

I'm not a perfect parent or stepparent. But for the love of all that is Holy, please pull your heads out of your asses stop blaming the victim just because you have no other defense!!!!

MollyBrown's picture

Oh. Oh! You aren't looking hard if this is the worst victim blaming you have seen. You should check out bakedsalmon's post. A poster said the rape of the step daughter was a tryst.

Putain des Palaces's picture

Pardon me butting in but are you serious?! Please tell me that's not a real person????????????

Disneyfan's picture

Did you read the OP's blog about the backpack?

Were you disgusted by posters cheering on the OP for leaving her SD's bag at school? If I remember correctly, the SD was unable to complete her homework that weekend due to the way OP reacted to her leaving her backpack in the car.

The OP and her husband are two peas in a pod.

Peridwen's picture

Yes, I did. This is not the same case. On the backpack blog, SD did not do as she was told - get her backpack out of the car. On this blog, DD did do as she was told. That's the main difference in my opinion. One is a difference of opinion regarding a child's consequences for failing to do something, and one is a child who followed directions being torn down by random people because they want to punish and hurt OP. Very different.

Peridwen's picture

It doesn't mean YOU pick on the innocent one. Pick on OP all you like if you disagree with her. DD did nothing wrong.

Peridwen's picture

My rant had nothing to do with OP or DH! It had to do with posters jumping in and blaming DD instead of focusing on OP, DH and SD. Why is that so hard to understand?

Peridwen's picture

Yes, DD is the victim. She didn't do anything wrong, and people are jumping all over her to count hangers and make fun of her 'poor baby hands'. You have a beef with OP and how she's handling it, take it up with OP, NOT the DD.

Peridwen's picture

"Bios have dainty hands.
Submitted by Troll on Sat, 03/18/2017 - 10:18am.
Bios have dainty hands. Lol!!!! Those poor bred souls. Whatever shall they do when they can't carry more than 10 hangers at once? The horror! Good thing stepkids exist with their well bred stock."

Perhaps the word baby wasn't used in regards to the DD, but this is very clearly about DD, NOT the poster.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

OP you have said you don't want to disengage from SD because your DH will quit doing things for your DD. What does he do for your daughter? Is it something that only he can do? Because it is clear that disengagement is the only thing that is going to bring any sort of peace to your household until you and DH decide to grow up.

And DD did absolutely nothing wrong. She should not be punished, and the idea that you even thought for a moment that she should be punished in order to make a point to SD is disturbing.

JustAgirl42's picture

^Yep^

notsobad's picture

The OP and her husband like the crazy I'm right, you're wrong fighting world that they've created.

Some people like to live like this.
They would never admit that they like it, in fact they'll say how much they hate it but they keep going back to it over and over.
Nothing ever changes and they keep on fighting. They go to their respective friends and families and sites like this telling everyone how wrong the other one is. They get sympathy and why do you stay, he/she is such an ass!

But in the end nothing changes, no one gives in, they just continue on their merry way sweeping us up occasionally in their drama.

Wait, sometimes things do change. They divorce but keep fighting and keep pulling others into their drama till those people find this site and complain about how enmeshed their DH/SO/BF is with his ex!

Rags's picture

It think that the combination of you and your DH is toxic for both SD and DD. Do these kids a favor and get a divorce.

Since it is unlikely that either you or DH will grow up in time to actually set a viable example of a mature adult relationship for either of these girls it is probably a good time to cut your losses and move on.

I will recognize that your DD did follow instructions while SD ignored them completely. Your DH is just an idiot.

smh

step.life's picture

The DH in this story is an idiot. If DD complied with the original request she obviously should not be punished in anyway.

When OP said you will be grounded for each hanger I find, that should have prompted SD to get up and run to go get the hangers before OP went in there. Even just to check if she really thought there were none.

It's apparent to SD got two chances to go and didn't as well as lied about there being none.

SD basically chose the grounding rather than running to go get the hangers. She had a fair warning.

SacrificialLamb's picture

That's exactly what I thought. I would rather walk to the store to buy new hangers than ask SD to do anything for me, especially when there is a strong likelihood it wouldn't end welll.

moeilijk's picture

Protective of babyface when he's a teen in what way? Protect him from life consequences by making sure he never ever has any negative experiences like punishments or mean teacher ladies at all? Or protect him from becoming a totally selfish, self-important, immature toddler in an adult's body, unable to care for himself because he lacks life skills like understanding that his actions have consequences?

Gotta say, if your idea of protecting a teen is to make sure they don't get punished excessively and your line in the sand is a two-week grounding... there'll be a LOT of calls into your CPS hotline. Lol.

moeilijk's picture

I don't agree that it's easier to punish other people's kids. I do agree that people don't feel the same - heck, parents feel differently about each of their own bio children because, well, each child is different. And I think it would be a pretty dumb parent who had exactly the same rules and expectations for each child.

twoviewpoints's picture

I agree, not excessive punishment , but doesn't fit the 'crime'.

I'm not sure I go along with "bold face lie" on this one. I actually could see a kid thinking there are no hangers in her closet if the hangers are fairly few and spread out across the rod inbetween sweaters and whatnot. At least I could possibly manage to give a benefit of doubt that kid didn't deliberately lie .

Quite different situation going on in the BD's closet. Grand total of 73 hangers? Even the bulkiest sweaters aren't going to 'hide' that amount of empty space.

Why send two kids to get hangers when one appears to be a hanger hoarder? I can come to the assumption pretty easily that the day's laundry was either 90% hang up clothes belonging to BD13, or there was little use to send multiple people for hangers when the home has one hanger hoarder. LOL.

IMO, things have gotten so silly between the adults that attempting to dish out consequences to each other's children and/or either kid for that matter, has totally jumped the shark.

Come one. Who pulls from their hat of tricks "you'll be grounded one day for each hanger I find".

I vote for one day of grounding for each parent for every time they pull these stunts in front of the kids. How can either child be expected to take either adult in the home seriously when the adults are acting like children?

Monchichi's picture

Doorsy, I don't think you should be doing for your SD nor should you be giving out her punishments without back up from your H. The only outcome you can expect, is one of all out war in your home. It is just not worth it.

A few life lessons would be better. How about your husband does for his young teen and you don't do for either of them for a little while. I found showing was a much better option than doing.

DaizyDuke's picture

In my opinion, your husband acted like an adolescent asshole. Nobody asked for his stupid opinion, nobody asked him how many hangers were in anyone's closet. This was a moment between you and the two girls. If you would have been angry at your DD for not bringing hangers and grounded HER for 14 days do you think your DH would have inserted himself into the mix and taken it upon himself to go and see how many hangers SD had in her closet? Hell no. That's just being an asshole.

And I totally get what you were trying to do. I don't think you actually planned on grounding SD for 14 days, I think it was more of an eye opener. Kind of like I used to tell BS7 if he didn't pick up his toys when I asked him, I would get a garbage bag and pick them up myself and throw them in the trash. Would I really throw all his toys in the trash? No. But he doesn't need to know that and the threat sure as shit made him think twice about disobeying me. You threatened your SD, unlike my BS7 who knows I'm not messing, your SD ignored you and didn't care. So YES, she should be grounded... maybe not the whole 14 days, but she SHOULD be grounded.

But good luck with that, since your DH aligned himself with her and made a spectacle out of the whole thing and taught SD that you are someone who does not need to be respected. Effective immediately I would cease doing ANYTHING for either one of them.