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SS’s mom asked for help with food for graduation party

Dontcallmemom's picture

I haven’t posted on here in forever! Mainly because I finally grew to like SS and didn’t find it necessary to vent anymore. However, DH just informed me that BM asked him if I’d be interested in providing food for SS’s high school grad party “with the rest of the girls.” He told her that I’m not interested before even telling me that she contacted him. He’s 100% right, I’m not interested. For several reasons.

First, I’m not big on cooking or bringing food to events. I’ll do it if I have to and if she needs anything in particular, I could definitely do that. But it’d probably be bought from the grocery store. Also, I’m just too damn busy with my preschooler and toddler and finishing up nursing school. I can barely keep my head above water as it is.

Second, why didn’t she just contact me in the first place? She and I have never talked via phone, text, email or otherwise, but we have talked at events involving SS. We have had polite conversations and there’s no animosity, so I don’t know why she didn’t just ask for my email or something and ask me directly.

Third, and most importantly, I hate how she said that it’s “the girls” who will be providing the food. Why can’t SS’s father be responsible for that? Something about that really irks me and I almost want to not do it solely on principle.

Since he’s told me this earlier today, I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like I should contact her and offer to bring something. Maybe I’m just overthinking it, but I don’t want to be the b*#!@ SM who doesn’t support her SS. I like the kid well enough and I’m not opposed to helping out, I just don’t want to. Is that okay? Or is this a situation where I should just suck it up and pitch in?


notsurehowtodeal's picture

I also am not into cooking or bringing food to events and if forced into it, always get something from the grocery store. It would also bother me that "the girls" are doing all of the cooking. What other girls are involved?

I think it would be perfectly fine for DH to offer to bring something if he wants to, but there is no need for you to do it. Are you and DH involved in putting on this party? If so, is there some other way you can contribute?

Who cares if anyone thinks less of you - at this point your SS if old enough that most contact with BM will be ceasing anyway.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

I would text and say he just mentioned it and you would be happy to bring dessert or something else easy to pick up.

oneoffour's picture

I hate those kinds of comments "the girls". Who are the girls? BM and ???? if she has not had a relationship with you at all why even ask you?

DH is his father and is the one responsible for dealing with the needs/wants of his son. So Dad can chip in if necessary. Or maybe he can offer to pay for the cake.

I think it is pretty cheeky and rude to refer to you collectively with other women as 'the girls'. I think as long as DH does his share you are good.

notarelative's picture

Who is hosting this? BM alone? BM and DH together?

If this is BM's party and you are doing a separate party then I wouldn't contribute. But, if this is a joint party and DH's relatives will be there then DH's contribution will be more than you making a dish.

I'd ask DH what exactly are his plans for his child's graduation. No party? Separate pantry? Joint party? And where does this party of BM fit in?

mommadukes2015's picture

Well if you don't have much contact with her outside face to face contact when necessary, then she may just be keeping with that and funneling any communication with your through your husband. Sometimes we can be oober sensitive to these things, but I know as someone who both BM's contact regularly, that I would be fine if they sent messages through my SO and I'm in regular contact with both of them. Try not to read too much into it.

Also, if you're dealing with young children and nursing school, your skid isn't your kid, therefore you are not obligated to do/bring anything. If DH wants to contribute he can drop BM some cash or stop by the grocery store himself. I wouldn't waste any more of your brainpower on this, you've got bigger, better, more important fish to fry girlfriend.

momjeans's picture

This is a tricky one. If you’re already overburdened and extended with school and mothering, I see no issue with you not wanting to partake in it.

And yeah. That wording “the girls” is weird. What “girls”?

On the flip side, if I liked my step kid, and BM didn’t actively intrude on our relationship like a jealous 12 year old, I’d probably totally want to be a part of it. Even if it meant buying, arranging for DH to drop something off. I’d probably speak directly to step kid, too, to inform them something’s coming their way and “congrats”.

I can see both sides, though.

Dontcallmemom's picture

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! BM is planning one big grad party which DH and I will attend. DH offered to give her whatever money she needs for it, so I think we’re good. I can probably just chill out about this whole thing. Thanks again!

ESMOD's picture

I actually think it would be the right thing to do for your family to provide a food item.

It sounds like she may be trying to keep costs down to a certain extent by having people (the girls) bring a dish.

It doesn't have to be YOU to take care of it... your DH can do that.

I would have said, no way if you weren't going.. but since you are (and she is also ostensibly paying half right?)... I think your family should participate in the potluck aspect for the guest of honor's sake.

She doesn't know you.. so she contacted her EX.

I wouldn't look for reasons to be offended here. I would look at it as an opportunity to not stir up drama and conflict and just bring something. It doesn't have to be some elaborate dish. Buy a few pies and be done with it.

Acratopotes's picture

:jawdrop: DH is half paying for the party - BM can get caterers...

I would not even attend a party she has, sorry but no, I will take SS out for dinner at a classy restaurant