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Tax time and the ex

DoingItAgain's picture

Hi all. It's been a long time since I posted. Things have been pretty good. But now... It's tax time. You see DH and BM have always alternated claiming SS every other year. So this would be her year. But DH and I discussed and agreed she hasn't earned the right to continue claiming him and basically told her we are claiming him.

You see, it all started when BM decided to move to another school district. It was then that DH (before we were married) decided that SS should stay with him so he wouldn't have to change schools again. Since then (about 5 years ago) she only sees him EOW and an occasional holiday and this last summer, for 1 whole glorious week. For the last year or so, she gets him 2 extra evenings a month because we have a small group we get together with then. She sometimes picks him up from school on the Fridays she has him and sometimes CH has to take him to her. When she picks him up she insists that DH has to come get him Sunday night (even though she only lives about 5 miles away).

When they divorced, they agreed to 50/50 custody and no child support.

I make about twice as much as DH and I'm sure she makes a bit less than him. When we got married, we were able to enroll SS into the same private school my BS goes to. We have also been able to afford to enroll him in several sports programs, you goes to before and after care when necessary and is never left at home alone. (the school is actually too far for him to go to or come from school by himself).

Oh and I should also mention the $16,000 credit card bill that she created after they separated and left DH to pay which we are still paying (and will be for several more years). That was the last time she actually took her son on vacation. She has never given us one dime towards anything!

Anyways, to the point of all of this, her response to telling her we are claiming SS because she hasn't contributed any to his care taking, she said all of those things were OUR choice and she doesn't feel obligated to pay for any of it. Well yeah they were our choices. Because we want a better life for him!

I would also like to point out that the time she spends with him is also HER choice.

I guess I was mainly wanting to vent here.


skylarksms's picture

Is there anything in the divorce decree that states they alternate? Otherwise, the IRS site gives the exemption to whicheveer parent pays more than 50% of the support and/or who the child lives with more than 50% of the year.

If I were your DH, I would go back to court, fix the custody to show you have primary and then get CS ordered against her. I would also put in the (new and improved) CO that the deduction alternates ONLY IF BM is up to date on CS.

WickedStepMom18's picture

The BM doesn't have a point. She doesn't contribute her 50%. It doesn't sound like DoingItAgain and her husband were taking extravagant vacations or spending thousands on designer gear - to illustrate items that BM could take issue with. Paying for a kid to play a sport isn't a luxury. It's something every child should be able to do. She sounds like a loser idiot BM who apparently thinks seeing her kid for a minute allows her to claim him when DoingItAgain and her DH are the parents really supporting this kid.

smileygirl's picture

**What everyone else said**
If it's not already formally laid out by the court your DH needs to take this back to court and have it put into writing. Prior to taking custody in our household the order said alternating years, it was revised when we took custody to state that we get to claim the children every year. I can say from experience the parent with custody gets to claim them if it's not in writing BUT the parent that get the taxes in first will get the money and the parent that claims second if both try it will get audited and is likely to find themselves in court. I have a friend going through this now. He's not in trouble because he was in the right but that doesn't help when your taxes still have you in court 3-yrs later and your ex is walking around with your money.

Disneyfan's picture

If the every other year agreement has been working, why cause problems now? Since dad made the choice to take on extras (sports, private school...) he shouldn't look to BM or you to help pay for them.

Going back on their agreement is just begging for trouble.

skylarksms's picture

How about BM going back on her agreement to 50/50 AND choosing to move out of her son's school district?

Disneyfan's picture

That was 5 years ago.

Why use that as an excuse to change an agreement that has worked for the last 5 years?

Anywho78's picture

OR it's modifying an old plan to suite a new situation.

The OP said they went from 50/50 to pretty much full-time. The CO should probably be changed to reflect this & CS should be being paid by the NCP BM.

Just because a parent goes from 50/50 to F/T does not mean that the terms of the parental agreement remain the same.

There is a reason that modifications are necessary & this situation is one of them.

DoingItAgain's picture

I know the school was our choice. But come on, we all work for a living and I think it's reasonable that there would be 'day care' expenses and the sports? Yeah I realize those were also our choice but good grief you cheap a$$ BM! apparently she'd rather him sit on his a$$ at home alone with no supervision with a game controller in his hand than pay a few bucks to help him develop skills and muscles and brains God forbid!

Ive actually never seen their divorce decree but I guess I better have DH find it. They got divorced with a little 'do-it-yourself' process and no attorney so who knows what it says. If she did decide to go ahead and claim him and we did too we better be prepared. Also I do think we should consider taking her back to court to redefine custody agreements because she holds it over DHs head how she LETS SS stay with DH full time and i think DH always worries she going to renig even though she says she would never take him away from DH.

Superstopmommy's picture

Biomom doesn't have the income to pay for those things.. it was stated that she probably makes less than your DH.

I would still go to court for at least the tax deduction scenario. She should be paying something for child support, perhaps the BM and BF can figure that out between them.. I will not go after child support if I can have the tax deduction.

DeeDeeTX's picture

If she's been a deadbeat for years, you should do something about that. Not spring on her at the last minute oh yeah, you can't put SS on your taxes this year. It doesn't give her enough time to plan, and maybe she was counting on the money.

Sounds like shes being, and has been, a POS, but this is a pretty POS move on your guys' part to tell her right before tax time.

momagainfor4's picture

Sounds like you guys need to find the decree and then come up with a plan to have it amended. Because if you file without that backup documentation in your hand then your taxes will be returned and you will be asked to amend them.
It's really a who files first situation.
Whoever is the duplicator is the one that has the burden of proof.
At least that's what my sister dealt with last year.

DoingItAgain's picture

We have no intention of asking for child support. We know she doesnt have the money. But when ahe asks us for things to take care of him it pisses me off. Like the one time she decided to keep him 1-2 wks during the summer and actually asked for clothes for him. When we told her no she asked for any clothes back she ever bought him. I had to give her the couple shirts and shorts she had bought him for school.

So essentially we were back to 100 percent financial responsibility except for the 4 days a month he sees her

Claiming him on taxes would be sufficient.

I do agree that she should have been told earlier. DH did try to tell her a few weeks ago and when she argued back, my 'avoid-conflict-with-the-ex-at-all-cost' DH didn't respond back because "he had to think about it and make a plan".

Superstopmommy's picture

Oh Man that is awful of the BM.. she can't afford to dress her own child or chose not to be able to afford it? I can see not being able to afford a presigious school or additional expense but she should be able to outfit her child. Does she ask for food expenses too?

Second hand shops have some very good clothing for kids who often outgrow their things in no time.

I would try to get the CO amended for the tax deduction. You and your DH deserve to take the deduction.

DoingItAgain's picture

I'm surprised she doesnt ask for food money. And for the price of her cigarettes, she can buy quite a few clothes at Goodwill... I know. I've done it many times.

Kilgore SMom's picture

I'm a sm and this time I have to agree with Bm side. SM and DH should not have hit BM who makes less money, at the last minute with this change in plans it's not fair. It sounds like ya'll have had a pretty good relationship till now. If BM make less money that both SM and DH. She may have been really counting on that money to pay off bills. I know as a single mom with my Biodaughters I always had mine spent on things we really needed before I even got it. I understand that SM and DH by choice put ss in a better school and have these other exspenses by choice. Its not fare to punish her because that is your choice. It is always best to have a co and go by the co. Go to court and have these things change. But remember things were going well till SM and DH decided to change it.

DoingItAgain's picture

BM is not a single mom. She married a loser and had another child. I can't wait to see how that one turns out. Anyways I digress. I do feel bad for springing this on her at the last minute. Bad timing. I know.

But Seriously. She doesn't do shit for this child outside of birthday and Christmas. He comes home reaking like cigarette smoke. I schedule his dentist visits and annual well checks. I take him to school everyday. I tuck him in every night. I make sure he eats breakfast and brushes his teeth and does his homework and gets haircuts and clothes that fit and school lunches packed and give money for field trips and allows him to get to do all the fun things that kids should do like sports and she if she comes to his games let alone his practices. I'm at ALL of his games.

oh don't forgot that credit card payment she left for DH after she defrauded the bank and continued to go on a shopping spree before DH could find out about the open account in HIS name.

So just cuz we've always handled our taxes doesn't make it right to continue. Excuse me but I think DH I earned the benefit of the taxes. I'm just angry at her response. But I guess if she was depending on this money... Ah who am I kidding, I know she was cuz she's selfish.

DoingItAgain's picture

Oh And also to confirm what wickedstepmom18 said, we don't have a lot of extra money. It all goes to the private school. Both our vehicles are 9 yrs old. We live in a modest 1900 sq ft home with the two kids who share a room. Last summer our vacation consisted of going camping a couple times and a couple nights at a local resort as that's all we could afford. But we do take care of the kids.

DoingItAgain's picture

We've only been married for 2 yrs. I didn't have any input prior to that as we didn't live together before marriage.

DoingItAgain's picture

Ah classic response from BM! She continues to try and point out how all our 'costs' for SS are OUR choice. DH said he wasn't talking about those costs and asked her what costs she actually incurs having him only 4 days a month that actually warrants her claiming him on taxes. Get this... She says... "I gave birth to him."

I told DH he needs to find his divorce decree and we need to seriously consider going to court as this is just too stressful as anytime she can come take SS and nothing DH can do. I think this would devastate him. He's been SS's primary parent for the last 5 yrs or so. But I also have a feeling the SS would not want to go live with his mom if given the choice