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Stepson College Education

BooBoo's picture

To preface...my husband and his ex have been divorced for over 11 years and we've been married 3 years. Ok...now here is the part I'd like to hear from others:

Over a year ago, my husband and I talked about his son's college education. I suggested his son (who is now 18 years old) begin economically with a 2-year college in the beginning - satisfy his prerequisites and then transfer to a university for whatever field he wants to pursue, and if that's what he wants to do. Both my daughters (and myself) went that route and worked out really well at a fraction of the cost. My husband agreed - thought it was a good way to start out because of the costs and we weren't 100% confident his son would stick with it. Even though he's basically a good kid, my SS is lazy...likes others to take the initiative for HIS causes...doesn't work...you get the pic. I've had some trouble with him because when he visits, all he wants to do is eat and sleep, and that is no exaggeration. I make him get up, clean up and engage in conversation or complete small chores (make his bed, pick up after himself) to give him some sort of participation and ownership in the household. His father backs me 100%. But I digress...

My SS mother enrolled him in a university, received some grants and so forth to help with the costs...sent us the paperwork with "our" financial part saying we have to pay half which totals around $16,000 for one year, and bless her arrogant little heart, she even told us where we can get a loan for 7.5% interest. My husband blew a gasket...could NOT believe how much it was going to cost. Being a certified contract writer, I shifted into "professional" mode and asked him for the divorce decree. I'd never read it. My husband knew his responsibility and I wasn't going to interfere...until now. There is no stipulation, clause...nothing what-so-ever stating we are responsible to pay ANYTHING in regards to his college. However, there is a clause stating "Future decision regarding the schools attended by the minor child shall be shared equally". My husband seems to think that obligates us to pay half and I disagreed. What it says is the CHOOSING is shared equally (which was not done). I told him this is how I feel it should be divied up: a portion is the mother's, a portion is the father's, the majority is the SS responsibility and he will have to make some hard choices if he truly wants an education. They are:

The SS doesn't really want to work...he's going to have to; he wants to stay in a dorm...he can't...live at home and go to a local college.

After all that...what say YOU?

SusiQ's picture

My SS did the same thing - We offered to pay for the 1st 2 years if he'd go to a community college to get his feet wet but no he wanted to go away to school - ok it was a state school so we could help if we could but it was up to him. He did that for 2 years, kept trying to get us to co-sign loans for him which we refused to do - then after 2 years decides to go to a private university - again hits us up for loans to which we refuse because he's doing nothing to help himself. No job, BM pays nothing - she defrauded the state to get him free tuition by stating his parents made less than $60,000 which is a crock because I know what DH makes and she owned her own business at the time and was rolling in the dough plus she was covering the cost of his brand new car, insurance, gad, spending $$ and every electronic device he had to get his hands on.
Then he came to us for summer school and we were able to help out a little but then I found out that part of it was so he could study abroad for the summer, I almost fell out of my chair. He works 8 hours a week in the admin office, takes 12 hours of classes and goes out of town every weekend - I basically told him I'd help him if he got a job - a real job. He needed to learn to step up and start taking care of himself. I then went over all the student loans he has taken out - This kid is going to graduate with over $50,000 in student loans with a completly unmarketable degree in this economy. He thinks he doesn't have to pay them back until he can afford it.

Can you work up a spreadsheet showing the differences in costs and go over it with him and your DH? Show the cost of the loans over the 20 year payback period they set them up for
I swear I don't get people sometimes!

BooBoo's picture

My husband called to tell me he talked to the ex...told her what we were willing to contribute. She cried and said "it is what it is". I knew she was trying to bluff my husband into thinking he was obligated for half and she was caught. It's going to be interesting to see what happens. He agonizes over "moral" obligations but I've always told him that our moral obligation is to help but not go broke to do so. His son needs to take responsibility for his future.

BooBoo's picture

I appreciate the input but I categorically disagree with the "...succeed isn't really relevant". If a person shows a trend in giving up at the slightest provacation or challenge and allowing others to jump through hoops while not willing to contribute more than half his/her own effort for their future...that needs to be recognized and factored into the decision making process.

BooBoo's picture

You're absolutely right but past actions or lack thereof is a precursor. You can't change a history of past actions. I don't recall at anytime that I mentioned not paying anything at all or my husband doesn't assume his obligation as a father. My husband is not the issue so let's stay focused and maybe you need to re-read my initial post. Sounds like you're confused about the facts.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Cll1764, it is very easy to turn a blind eye and refuse to see what is staring you right in the face. But in MY experience a SLUG, will more than likely CONTINUE to be a SLUG. So if BooBoo KNOWS from experience that the kid has no aspirations, she has EVERY right to be concerned about this kid sucking up her household finances just for the sake of her DH "being able to be a man and contributing to his son's education." I am in exactly the same boat she is and I refuse to let my husband throw good money down the toilet just because it is the "right" thing to do.

caregiver1127's picture

If BooBoo's Dh does not want to pay for SS's college it does not make him any less of a man - there is nothing that says he has to pay for the college and if BM and SS want to choose the college than it is their responsibility to come up with the money for said college - SS should have been a MAN and went to his father and asked him to help with the decision

BooBoo - your DH does need your support but also your wisdom so only support him if he is doing the right thing - and you DH is a man whether he pays for the entire school or not a dime - paying for college does not make a man a man - it might make a man who could have provided for his family and himself for retirement a man who works for the rest of his life and not able to enjoy his last years - so you need to advise your DH for what is best for the two of you - because SS is starting his own life and he needs to learn that the choices he makes is going to affect the rest of his life - not YOURS!!!!

StillSearching's picture

I completely agree. My parents were not afraid to tell me no in helping me with my college education. It has made me a more responsible person after all was said and done. Why should a parent feel obligated to pay for their child's education when he/she may blow off college and leave the parent in tons of debt? Some help is a good idea for a child but I think making the kid pay for most of it is a great financial awakening for him/her.

purpledaisies's picture

I agree too. My dd is going to college n the fall. We have sit down and made a decision she will go to an inexpensive one and she got grants and scholarshps on her own. She knows that I can't afford it and she is planning on working as well. I can help with books but that is about it. I think that by not making them work for it does them a huge diservice as they have no idea what real life is all about and setting them up for failure. I know that I was made to work for everything I have and I am better person for it.

caregiver1127's picture

I disagree with this completely and utterly - why should the OP have to spilt it into thirds and have no say where said child goes - and no parents do not have an obligation to pay for college - if this was a bio family there would be no discussion the kid would go to a school that he could afford but because it is a step situation then everyone thinks that DAD should have to foot the bill - I call bulls*it.

And believe me if my skid thinks that I am going to pay almost $20,000 and can screw around and not succeed he would be in big trouble - so if you are paying that much for his school he better Damn well succeed - it is very relevant - this is why we have so many entitled children who can't become adults - you want mom and dad to pay almost 2/3's but have no consequences if he just wants to party and not do well -

In DH and I's wills if we die before either child reaches 18 we have a trustee of the estate and the only way either child can get money (which is substantial due to 5 life insurance policies) is if they go to college and take 12 credits at least a semester and have to maintain a C+ average or better and never get arrested for drinking and if there is even a hint of drugs the money dries up until they reach 27 - and I am not apologetic about this at all - if they do go to college then the college experience will be paid for out of the estate and then when they turn 23 they get 1/2 of what is left and at 27 the rest of it.

BooBoo's picture

Well put. I did the same thing. I've done a lot of research and I have found most of the younger generation feels some kind of entitlement...that we (the parents) are responsible to pick up the pieces of their decisions until the day we die. To be honest, I've never had that problem with my daughters. I told them what I was willing to do and the rest was their responsiblity, and they did it themselves. They knew they had to. I was there for guidance, advise, working through the what-if's with them; if I saw a good buy on a roast, I'd buy it and divy it up to help out...Ya' know, things like that. They have a much better appreciation for what they have.

hismineandours's picture

I think the 1/3 is reasonable-however I agree it should not be an obligation for any parent. No one is going to make me pay for my kids to go to college-why should someone be made to because they got a divorce? Ridiculous.

The thing about the 1/3 is that it is 1/3 AFTER grants and such-so your ss would actually have to finance 1/3 of his education himself. From what you describe the liklihood of that is slim if he is such a slug. And yes you should put conditions, if he is not passing then you should stop payment.

To me this is the ideal-but it depends on states and such. Even if there is nothing in the decree about college-if your state is one in which they define how college is handled she could always go back to pursue that-of course she has to realize that she is also putting herself and ss on the line for part of the payment in all liklihood as well.

BooBoo's picture

Right...right...I definitely understand your point. You know the conditions you mentioned reminded me of an exchange. My SS, not working, is always wanting money for whatever...just teenage stuff. Well...we have about 7 acres that needed to be cleaned up...dead branches and stuff from snow/ice, and I told the SS if he'd like to make a little extra money, he could help me clean up some of it when he visits. He didn't want to...said he wasn't here long enough or he was tired from helping his step-dad feed the cows/horses...whatever. I just said ok. I refuse to make it an issue but I definitely put that sort of thing in my hip pocket for another time. Your reply reminded me so thanks!

mom2five's picture

"Future decision regarding the schools attended by the minor child shall be shared equally".

This does not mean that your husband necessarily has to pay 1/2. I would look at your state's statutes to see how college education costs are typically treated. There are states that can force parents to pay a portion of the cost. And there are states with statutes that prohibit a judge for forcing a parent to pay.

Stick's picture

Heyyy Boo Boo!!! Smile ( A little Yogi bear there)

Here's what we did here. First, DH and I set a limit of what our college contribution would be.

Then, we sat down with SD and BM here and laid out our plan (which we had formulted ahead of time, etc.) .... SD is responsible for 1/3... BM is responsible for 1/3 and DH is responsible for 1/3. However, DH's 1/3 is not to go above the set amount he and I discussed previously. Therefore, if SD picked a college where our 1/3 would be more, she was free to go there, but she would be responsible for picking up the overage.

Also, we took the 1/3's AFTER all grants scholarships, etc.

Come to find out that first year students can (should) really only take the $5,500 the government gives them as subsidized and unsubsidized. So that changed it a bit. We are having SD take out her $5500 and we are encouraging her to get work study. One college even offered her a community service scholarship of $2500 per year as long as she completes 300 hours of community service a year! So that's her portion. DH and BM are then splitting the remaining 50/50.

I think the most important thing you can do is to set up your amount that you are willing to pay and then go from there.

Smile

Hugs - this has been quite the process. Don't let BM or SS bully you into more than you can afford. One thing to remind them of is that tuition is not the be-all end-all. There are books, trips, getting home (!) and other costs that come up. So everyone needs to be comfortable with their number.

BooBoo's picture

Ok...this is good stuff to know and I appreciate it. I did read and pointed out to my husband on the financial award letter, there is a Federal Work Study (campus employment)program for students but I'll point it out again.

His ex said for us to start sending the child support checks to his son once he starts school and I flat refuse to subsidize beer bongs and guitar accessories. If she doesn't want the money, we'll put it in an interest bearing account and dole it out for pertinent, above and beyond expenses.

By the way, "BooBoo" or "Boo" is what my husband calls me. He said I'm the best "booboo" he's ever had - LOL.

Unfreakingreal's picture

BooBoo OMG were you listening in on me talking to myself in the shower this morning! My SS18 is your SS's TWIN! 18, NEVER had a job, graduates this June. Sleeps, eats, plays basketball ALL DAY long. Goes to school because he has no choice. Is passing JUST BARELY because I ride him like a freight train. Does his laundry and then throws it all in a pillowcase at the bottom of the closet so whilst the clothes is clean it looks as if he just pulled it out of a dogs stomach and threw it on his body. Planning to go to Community College, but BM plays the POOR card and will not contribute one red cent. I want him to apply for student loans so that if he decides he wants to BOMB college he can do it on his dime and not on mine & DH's. My thought process is if he actually goes to school and gets an Associates we will help him pay off the loans.
I am sticking to my guns on this one and not letting my DH get himself in more debt over this kid. We support him 100% the BM does not give us any CS and she does not help with anything except for his cellphone. Because when his dad wanted me to add SS to our family plan I said NO WAY. He wants to be on our plan he needs to pay for his portion like MY BS22 does! The kid wants a car too! Last night I said "No job? No car!" He must really think we're stupid...

BooBoo's picture

Wow...we're kindred spirits - LOL. Thanks for the input and sounds like you have a handle on it.

They'd LIKE to think we're stupid...

Unfreakingreal's picture

I actually just filled out the online FAFSA thing to get a pin#. I will do EVERYTHING on my own because my DH, God bless his soul, isn't very good at paperwork or at anything that has to do with applications or registrations of any type. Chances are, I'll get all the loans in place before my DH even realizes it. I actually told SS18 last night (as I was folding a load of HIS crumpled laundry). "You are failing 2 classes. Why?" He stated that he should be passing because he made up all the work he owed.

So I said "Well we'll see, but from the looks of it your lazy ass has no intentions of doing anything with your life and that's all fine & good, but that wasn't the deal I made with your dad. The deal was, I'd let you come live here & help you finish HS. If you choose to be a bum, you're doing that while living with your mother, you can go freeload off of her. So you think about that long & hard because I will not have any lazy bum grown men living in MY house. I know how much you hated living in the projects with your mom so you figure it out because I am not kidding, I will pack your ass up so fast your head will spin." Not a word..I put his clothes away and walked out of his room.

BooBoo's picture

Responsibility and accountability are basic essentials. Some just don't get it!

Unfreakingreal's picture

BooBoo he gets it from his mother. She is the most irresponsible adult I have EVER come across. SD10 is late to school every other day. If it's raining too hard? She lets her stay home. If it's too cold? She lets her stay home. If she didn't do laundry and SD's uniform isn't clean? She stays home. She enrolled SD in Karate, but SD never makes it to the class. She spends the entire summer at my MIL's house because BM won't sign her up for FREE summer camp. Just a real piece of work. That is what SS18 lived with for 16 years so he is not used to people that actually WORK for anything. BM just recently started working, but before she lived off of CS only. So SS18 thinks that THAT is normal. Sit at home while someone else foots the bill. In the big scheme of things the kid cold be a lot worse, because he really is a decent human being, he's just beyond lazy. I heard that she was upset at the fact that we were making him get a job! LOL! According to HER, S18 is still a child and he shouldn't have to work!

BooBoo's picture

My step experience sounds trite compared to yours! Wow...

I absolutely LOVE your suggestion "...If DH wants to help, maybe he can do it retroactively upon completion of college, to assist with some of the student loans. A "Pay for Performance" approach.(and I wouldn't tell SS to expect any certain amount, that if DH decides to help when he sees completion, then he will also decide how much he can help)". Absolutely love it.

Now you've got my mental wheels greased...

skylarksms's picture

I also don't understand what it is with all these children of divorce (TM) being provided with free higher education because a court or congress says that is the way it should be.

I am 40. I have two degrees. My parents have been married my entire life. I took out student loans and worked. I did not expect them to fund my education for me! I am still paying off my student loans!

When I mentioned to my father that I felt guilty that I wasn't helping DS with his college, my father said, "I think it is more of a priority for you to get your OWN student loans paid for first!"

LizzieA's picture

Can you imagine? At $16 per, you'd owe $60,000 when/if he graduated...I swear these BMs are delusional. All the suggestions about were good. I did it like Stick with my two DDs and it worked great. Both have degrees and are gainfully employed and take care of themselves.

babedow77's picture

Parents who are not divorced/still married are not ordered to pay for college so why should divorced parents?
Most states have done away with this because of my first statement.

Ihad to get my own loans and my mom and dad are still married.
My DH went to the military and got gi bill and student loans and his parents are still married.

So these kids of divorced parents can do the same or the person getting support should put a small portion in savings.

This is what we do.
I put $50 per month from cs in a savings for my kids who live with us.
Beyond that we told my biokids and my step kids that they better:

1. Get good grades
2. Be good at sports or choir or band etc etc.
3. Join the military like DH did
4. Get loans like we did
5. Waitress or get a work-study job
And we will help with books.
And, I'll cook for them, do their laundry and whatever else if they go to community college for first two years. (another thing DH and I did)

No wonder why these kids end up being helpless losers and sleeping on mama n papas couch at age 40!

Gwen's picture

I paid my own way through a state university and law school, working up to four jobs at a time and maxing scholarships, grants and loans. After leaving home at 16. I teach graduate school now & yes the new generation IS the entitlement generation. It makes me insane. If SS wants to go to school badly enough, he'll find a way. If he wanted it that badly, he should have shown some motivation before now. My SS13 and SD11 already know their role in getting ready for college. I think the community college approach sounds like more than enough in your SS's circumstances. I LOVE the pay for performance idea!

BooBoo's picture

Dig this ladies...she sent an email stating she is going to get a child support modification (more $$), she'll assume the expenses but she'll sue us for what she considers our portion. I feel so beaten right now

Gwen's picture

LAME. Consult an attorney. I'm no family lawyer but the portion of the decree that you quoted doesn't support a judgment for college expenses. It says that the parents have an equal say in what college he goes to. I think that supports your choice for community college. And if he's over 18, what child support? Document everything, print all of your emails and go talk to a lawyer!

StillSearching's picture

Sounds to me that your DH and BM need to meet common ground on where your SS will be going to school and then split the costs that way. Of course it is probably too late to do that now, but since she went out of way and enrolled him without a say to your DH I don't think he should be obligated to pay for half seeing how she did not meet the requirements on the divorce decree to begin with!

caregiver1127's picture

BooBoo - I swear to God we have the same story - I am not sure what state you live in but if the CS ends at 18 or when he finishes high school and if there is nothing in the will then you are not on the hook for anything -

My DH is actually going to visit SS (who is smart but lazy and refuses to get a job) at Easter and lay it on the line - last Summer SS told us the college he wants to go to (read that as his bitchy mother wants him to go to - to look important but has told him she cannot afford to pay a dime towards his college and that we would be paying it - luckily there is nothing in the divorce decree) his school is $55,000 a year after scholarships and such it would be about $18,000 a year so we asked SS if he wanted to be in at least $80,000 debt when he graduates (mind you he has no idea what he wants to be at all - my DH suggested something that would fit him to a T and he would like it but BM found out that DH suggested it and said no way - I also suggested something that he would make good money and would enjoy and BM was on board until she found out it was I who suggested it and then all of a sudden that idea was horrible too - I really wish she would start loving her child more than she hates her ex) -

We put it out there last August in plain language what we would be able to afford - and that is on the condition that we have not lost our jobs or some crisis has not come up that would put us into debt if we paid for his school (I paid for my own) and told SS this is the amount now you can go to your mother and decide where you want to go but this is what we are paying and you need to come up with the rest. He got very angry with us but I really don't give a sh*t - Dh is 8 years away from retiring and I am not working until I am 80 so that SS who refuses to work can go to an Ivy League School so that his mother can f*cking brag about something that she has no plans on helping to pay with -

I think we all forget that someday we are going to have to retire and in 2037 Social Security as we know it will be gone - so tell your DH that he can help pay but someday when there is no food on the table or a roof over your heads because you had to pay for this college or you are working until you are 75 - it is not a pretty picture and we also need to look out for ourselves - the world has changed so much and with housing prices going down and people losing jobs and having to start over and using up their savings everyone's retirement is not what it used to be - so just explain that to him -

Also have DH tell your BM to bring it on as long as you don't live in one of those states that make you pay till the kid is 21 you should be okay - and check with a lawyer if you have to - but it sounds like from her reactions to you all talking about the Divorce decree she knows she does not have a leg to stand on - no judge is going to make you pay for college if DH did not agree to it - our BM tried to get our DH to pay for college and have a million dollar life insurance policy in her name and he told her to go scratch that is what Social security is for in case he would die - so stand your ground and do what you can - will not hurt SS to work for things or have a student loan if that is what he chooses to do.

Funny just last night my DH said to me that "BM is setting SS up to fail because she is treating him like he is privileged and comes from money and SS doesn't we don't have a ton and BM has even less so she is doing him a real disservice by not making him work"

BooBoo's picture

That's just it, caregiver...SS doesn't care. He wants the autonomy, fun, don't-ask-questions attitude, along with money and they don't care how they get it. It's the "I want it NOW, by god or you'll pay". Go tell Mommy.

My husband is fighting this...tooth and nail. He's had it with the whole thing and it's been brewing for the past 2-3 years.

liks's picture

DIVORCE is divorce...seperation has occured...and once them kids turn 18 biological divorced parents are exempt from being directed to pay things they do not want to pay for.

If my husband came to me requesting money for his kids college...I'm outta here...not going to work to pay for them who don't like me and refuse to live with us and prefer to misbehave every time they are around us.

If psycho BM wants to pay...go ahead!! Don't dsend us the bill for anything or ill shoot her!!!

Gwen's picture

Divorce decrees sometimes put parents on the hook until the child finishes high school, regardless of age. They can also require parents to fund college if the parents agreed to it (or a judge ordered it in a state where that authority exists) in the decree. It's all about what's in the decree. There is not necessarily a magic 18 cutoff date. There might be. That's why you have to read your divorce decree carefully and consult your family lawyer (or become skilled at researching applicable statutes online). I would be surprised if a judge would order college funding after the fact, after a child is 18, where a decree is silent. Boo Boo's DH has the advantage of wording that suggests that college was foreseeable and it doesn't sound like financial support was ordered. The decree appears to say only that the decision as to which college he attends is shared equally. A family law attorney can tell you what a judge is likely to do if there is a request for modification at this period of time. A one-hour consult for $100 with a family law attorney can be well worth it.

Stpma's picture

Hold on a sec.. as far as college goes I thought even 18 year olds have to show proof of both parents income?? Unless of course they have a child of their own. Isn't there an age cut off like 23 or something??

BooBoo's picture

You know...you're probably right but the BM nor SS has asked my husband for proof of income. I almost forgot that he reiterated the junior college route first and then transfer but BM completely dismissed it saying he knew all along that the SS wanted to go to this particular university and that my husband had a year to plan. Give me an f-in' break. My husband has been too concerned about the therapy and antidepressant drugs his son has been having to take for the last 6 years! Who thinks about college??

purpledaisies's picture

yes they have to show parents income but all they ahve to say is that parents not paying. Why they have to show it I don't know but I am going trough it wth my dd right now.

Stpma's picture

Okay found this on FAFSA.gov

Under Federal law your family is primarily responsible -to the extent they are able- for paying for your college expenses. To determine how much your family can afford to pay towards your college expenses, we must collect your financial information, and, if you are a dependent student, we must also collect your parents' financial information.

If you can answer No to all of the following questions, you are considered a dependent student on the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA):

•Were you born before January 1, 1988?
•As of today are you married?
•At the beginning of the 2011-2012 school year, will you be working on a master's or doctorate program (such as an MA, MBA, MD, JD, PhD, EdD, or graduate certificate, etc.)?
•Are you currently serving on active duty in the U.S. Armed Forces for purposes other than training?
•Are you a veteran of the U.S. Armed Forces?
•Do you have children who will receive more than half of their support from you between July 1, 2011 and June 30, 2012?
•Do you have dependents (other than your children or spouse) who live with you and who receive more than half of their support from you, now and through June 30, 2012?
•At any time since you turned age 13, were both your parents deceased, were you in foster care or were you a dependent or ward of the court?
•As determined by a court in your state of legal residence, are you or were you an emancipated minor?
•As determined by a court in your state of legal residence, are you or were you in legal guardianship?
•At any time on or after July 1, 2010, did your high school or school district homeless liaison determine that you were an unaccompanied youth who was homeless?
•At any time on or after July 1, 2010, did the director of an emergency shelter or transitional housing program funded by the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development determine that you were an unaccompanied youth who was homeless?
•At any time on or after July 1, 2010, did the director of a runaway or homeless youth basic center or transitional living program determine that you were an unaccompanied youth who was homeless or were self-supporting and at risk of being homeless?
If you are considered a dependent student, your parents must answer the parental questions on the FAFSA.

If you can answer Yes to any of the questions above, you are considered an independent student and information about your parents is not required on the FAFSA .

Note: Health profession students may be required to provide parental information regardless of their dependency status.

If you have a special circumstance that prevents you from providing parental information you may be able to submit your FAFSA. However, your FAFSA will be incomplete. You must contact the financial office at your college and provide them with documentation to verify your situation.

Stpma's picture

So whether married or divorced, both parents are responsible and they do have to provide financial info...

Gwen's picture

Having to provide information for purposes of calculating available financial aid is different from being legally required to pay for college. Yes, in most cases both parents will have to provide information for the FAFSA. There is something in the FAFSA requirements about having to provide info if you paid for half or more of the applicant's expenses the year prior to application. So if you have limited custody (like 25% visitation) but still pay child support, you probably have to provide the information. Best course is to check with a financial aid counselor at the school. But providing the info for purposes of determining whether the applicant is eligible for grants or loans is different than being legally required to fork over money. The applicant can meet the amount assigned to "parental contribution" through varioius means. I met mine by working four jobs because my parents gave me not one red cent for college or law school.

Stick's picture

And on the FAFSA - if the child lives with the bio dad and stepmom (as SD does here), then my income counts on the FAFSA... and not BM's. (Just went through all of this - am waiting to make the final decision on schools)

BooBoo's picture

God...it is so good to have this support system. My husband has never come to me and said "we gotta' do this"...he's always asked "what do you want to do?" The BM said the SS is "owed" the opportunity to further himself. Per the state of MO, my husband has to pay child support until the age of 21 or until the SS gets his degree (whichever comes first). The MO statute does not spell out in detail how much each parent or SS is obligated. However, parents are obligated. Gals...my husband has followed the decree to the letter and still did more then stipulated. He's a good dad. But now that he's fighting back...saying he's doing no more...that his son has to take responsibility, like a petulant child, the BM is throwing a fit. Now...

In the Parent Plan of the divorce decree, there are no provisions for college expenses...nothing. Since my husband has put on the table that we will not pay for half but rather 1/3, she came back and said if he doesn't pay half, she will petition for a modification in child support and he'll still pay half. She's trying to strong-arm him. Also in the decree, it stipulates if there is a dispute that cannot be resolved, mediation must come first. SO, I've got an appt. with an attorney tomorrow to find out the steps needed.

BooBoo's picture

God...it is so good to have this support system. My husband has never come to me and said "we gotta' do this"...he's always asked "what do you want to do?" The BM said the SS is "owed" the opportunity to further himself. Per the state of MO, my husband has to pay child support until the age of 21 or until the SS gets his degree (whichever comes first). The MO statute does not spell out in detail how much each parent or SS is obligated. However, parents are obligated. Gals...my husband has followed the decree to the letter and still did more then stipulated. He's a good dad. But now that he's fighting back...saying he's doing no more...that his son has to take responsibility, like a petulant child, the BM is throwing a fit. Now...

In the Parent Plan of the divorce decree, there are no provisions for college expenses...nothing. Since my husband has put on the table that we will not pay for half but rather 1/3, she came back and said if he doesn't pay half, she will petition for a modification in child support and he'll still pay half. She's trying to strong-arm him. Also in the decree, it stipulates if there is a dispute that cannot be resolved, mediation must come first. SO, I've got an appt. with an attorney tomorrow to find out the steps needed.

BooBoo's picture

Ok ladies...I have an update and this is for informational purposes from the state of MO...

The BM can petition the court for child support modification even if the "child" is 18. Naturally, cause has to be shown but it can be done and child support is paid while the child is in college up to 21 years but of min. of 12 credit hours has to be taken. However, if the child has a job, working a min. of 15 hours, then only 9 credits has to be taken. By law,receiving failing grades in half of courseload in any one semester, cs is terminated and not eligible for reinstatement.

To remain eligible for continued parental support, at the beginning of each semester, the non-custodial must be provided a transcript by the institution which includes the courses the child is enrolled in and completed for each term, the grades and credits received for each such course, and an official document from the institution listing the courses which the child is enrolled in for the upcoming term and the number of credits for each such course. If this is not provided to the non-custodial parent within thirty days of receipt of grades from the education institution, payment of cs is terminated without the accrual of any child support arrearage and not eligible for reinstatement.

Part of he college expenses are paid by the non-custodial. Missouri courts will make them even if it's not in the divorce decree. HOWEVER...the amount is not stipulated so that is definitely a bargaining chip.

Take a GOOD look at the decree. If there is dispute resolution clause and it says "shall mediate" (like my husband's did), the BM HAS no recourse. "Shall" is the key word...it HAS to be mediated. She can SAY whatever she wants but she can't do shit until the dispute is mediated. A very creative college plan proposal was sent to her yesterday but we haven't heard back. You think she's pissed?

Hope this helps others!

sixteensmom's picture

My oldest son graduated college in December. Over the past four years my xh and I have each contributed a couple thousand a year to help him. He has worked 20hrs per week during school and 60hrs summers and breaks. He learned to live cheap. Lived in a frat house all four years. He worked hard to earn and keep several academic and service based scholarships, took out a few small private loans through rotary and lodge and local womens club and church, and the rest of his tuition at a private college was pd w student loans. He graduated about $50k in debt. His grad gift from me was $10k.

Each of my kids know it's their responsibility to fund their education and UPON GRADUATION mom will kick in a big chunk to help them start their life out of school.

No cap and gown pic with momma, no check.

Skids get 1/3 of their total college expense including room and board, which includes rent and utilities for sd26 and her HUSBAND while in school, from dh. Bm is supposed to pay 1/3, no way she will ever pay it. Dh still pays ss22 car insurance and part of his rent and his car repairs... Has pd car INS for all three of his kids since age 15... On top of cs and gifting cars... It's not fair but here's the equalizer in my back pocket... Skids may get all that stuff but my kids weddings will be fantastic.

Gwen's picture

Boo-Boo, that's great information! I'm sorry that the issue continues for you but it sounds like you have some good ground to stand on. Best wishes in getting a reasonable resolution.

For those who are interested I did a quick google search and found this list of all of the states and the child support obligation that may exist after 18 or for college:
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/childsupportresources/a/childsupportc...

Don't assume this list is absolutely correct, you'll need an attorney to verify. Use it as a starting point. And check the language of those decrees! It is good to know what obligations might apply in the future so you can start planning.

BooBoo's picture

It wouldn't be so bad if the BM was fair and the SS took responsibility for his own future. That's all we're asking. For some reason, it's beyond their grasp.