I've been with my bf for 3.5 years and as his daughter is getting older she spends more and more of my bf's set times still with her mom.  BM lives 3 houses down from us.  Yay me.  Bm seems to do little to no real parenting with 9yo.  She doesn't have a bedtime there, she does here, we make her do her own laundry, clean her bathroom, shower, unload the dishwasher, brush her teeth.   Things any 9yo should know how to do.   9yo has recently developed a skin condition and needs to use a special soap and use hydrogen peroxide to clean areas with.   I went in her bathroom to get more toilet paper and discovered used cotton balls on her sink.  I sent a txt to bm and bf with a picture asking bm to send her over to clean up her mess.  It clearly doesn't teach her anything about cleaning up after herself if we do it for her.   Side note- she's such a dirty little girl it's disgusting.  She cries when I tell her to go take a shower.  She's afraid we're going to miraculously do something fun without her.  No, we'll still be sitting here watching tv.   Go.  She has to be reminded to brush her teeth.  She just doesn't like to.   I told bf about a year ago she wasn't even brushing with toothpaste.  I found clumps of it in her sink.  Can't even bother to wash out her sink.  I'm so glad we have separate bathrooms.  Anyway we're having to reach her things she should have learned by now.   I'm shocked that of the adults in her life it wasn't even her parents that figure out all the things she's doing or not doing.    They (bm and bf) have their head in the sand and o feel like I'm the one raising this kid.  I feel like she has a learning disability because she's in 4th grade and has horrible spelling.  I asked bf if she's ever been evaluated for dyslexia.  He said bm took her in for adhd which the doctor confirmed but bm doesn't want her daughter to be drugged up so she's on nothing.   I feel like that explains her inability so sit still and focus!   Bf won't do anything about it.  Bm is the one that takes her to the dr, it's not my thing.   Bm had 9yo in therapy because she wanted 9yo to be able to talk to someone.   The therapist would let her draw while they talked.   She's so self centered all she did was make portraits of herself.   She a addicted to being the most important person in the room.   We have one of those electronic picture frames that pictures are constantly changing, she cried to BF that there weren't enough pictures of her.   When I first met bf and until I moved in and took them all down, the only pictures in the house were of 9yo ages of birth through 3 when bm and bf split.  It's like he never changed anything.   I thought it was creepy how the house was a shrine to her and aided in her "look at me" complex so I took some down and put up generic wall decorations.  I had told bf prior to doing it and he said he didn't want the house to feel like I'm just living in his house and to make it feel like my own.   I decorated for Xmas with 9yo (6 then) and we took her pictures in the kitchen down and replaced them with Xmas decorations and in ever put them back up.  I've slowly removed all her pictures and replaced them.  To be fair, why would you keep pictures on display that are 4 years old?   We took a "family picture" and some other candids and we have those on display so that it doesn't feel like I'm removing her.   What I'm trying to do is remove the feel of BM from this house.   They still have 9yo birthday party together, which was weird but it's 9yos bday who cares.  We've done this 3 years now and I've HATED it.   Since this was bf and bm's house she knows where everything is. At the bday party she just walks into the kitchen and gets plates and silverware and a freaking spatula to dish the cake out with like this was her house.   It made me so uncomfortable.   I've hated this house and her ever since.   I told bf they can continue to do the party because it's not fair to 9yo but he needs to remind bm she's a guest in this house and we can take care of getting supplies.
9yo has no care in the world and makes a mess when doing arts and crafts and just walks away.   I've been on her ass so much lately about cleaning up after herself.   This whole covid has my patience running on a 6 and the second I hear her voice it's an 8.   She's just so lazy because bm does everything for her and the baby talk makes me want to pull my hair out!!   When I correct her to talk like normal she pouts and doesn't know what I'm talking about.   When I tell her to chew with her mouth closed bf sees that as me picking on her.  No I'm trying to teach her manners.   I'm the one that would do homework with her and I've been making spelling lists with her after looking at her journaling for school.   I don't want to give up on her because I feel like bm and bf are already absent from her life other than supplying food and shelter.  Bm wants to be her friend and bf doesn't seem to know what she should be doing at this age because "we were raised in a different time".   Dude, she shouldn't cry at every request to do something she doesn't like.   Is the crying, lack of vision for messes, chewing with mouth open, baby talk, lack of hygiene all normal things for a 9yo girl and of yes- at what age do they grow out of it?   I'm losing my mind with it all.