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Food issues

Ki2619's picture

I disengaged from skids back in May. I was the only one parenting. Packing lunches. Getting them to school. Rearranging my schedule for them. They were deciding when they would go to bms. I was basically their full time mom. I also work full time. Have a bio son who is 17. I was making sure the rules dh set for them that they would follow and let him know of any issues or problems. He would talk with them but more often than not nothing would come from it. Things would keep happening. They wouldn't listen to me. I'm basically an adult in the house while they live in their room and gameroom. Ss14 games at least 16 hours a day. Sd12 is in her room 23 hours a day besides meals. They both have phones, social media, chat apps and aren't monitored ever. 

beginning in May I went into ss12 room while she was at bms to see what clothes she has, what she needs, shoes, etc because her birthday was coming up.  She had asked for clothes but because of virtual school we never really went school shopping.  I always took her clothes shopping.  Instead I found orange peels in her clothes drawers, multiple bags of eaten chips shoved in night stands, candy wrappers thrown on the floor...::just nasty.  I told df and ss12 together that it was nasty and unnecessary and will bring in bugs  

late May I disengaged.  I don't have a relationship with the skids.  They aren't rude but not appreciative.  They are socially awkward and don't speak. They do nothing but game or sit in their rooms.  And I'm tired of pulling all the weight.  I have already said I am not packing lunches for school or rearranging my schedule for them when they have a mom and dad who need to learn to communicate.  I have also not been in my stepdaughters room since late May  


she went to BMs last weekend for a day (Bc the kids basically decide if they want to go or not).  I was working at home and one of the dogs kept wanting in her room.  I open the door thinking the dogs ball was in there and I was stunned.  A cup of milk with cereal in it and curdled milk sitting on her nightstand.  Taco Bell cup from weeks ago. Dirty sheets with period stains.  Empty bags of chips.  Sanitary napkin papers (no dirty pads I could find), multiple multiple granola bar wrappers and gummy wrappers thrown around, garbages in nightstands, clothes drawers and closets. I wondered why all of the food in the house was disappearing so quickly.   

her dad has told her multiple times no food in her room.  He's even been in her room at least once a day and never says anything.  She came home from BMs with five candy bars as part of her birthday gift.  She snuck them to her room and ate them all within two days.  I confronted DH that she has an issue with food and hiding it.  It's all junk food.  She will sneak it and hide it and eat it all the time.  She's allowed to have it in small amounts but it just needs to be eaten in the kitchen or dining room as she's had a mouse and bugs in her room before.  

I did tell DH what I saw and he isn't concerned.  She went to the mall with a friend and friends mom and she spent $20 at a store and it was all candy.  He told her not to take it to her room and when he was outside she ran to the kitchen to take it back to her room.  She didn't know I was working at my home in my office that day. I told dh.  He texted her to put it back.  She put it back but kept four bags of the candy with her.   I think this child has a binge eating disorder.  She doesn't know appropriate amounts of food because at dinner time she eats the same as my husband.  BM allows it as well.  Not sure what to do now that I've disengaged.  Concerned for her but also have to wipe my hands of it because nobody else seems to care.  


Cover1W's picture

Two separate issues here. My OSD when she still lived here had food issues and cleaning up issues. You have to separate them.

Tell DH your concern about food consumption problem then leave it. Drop it and don't go to your SD, don't cater to her don't say anything. Disengage. You cannot help if no one wants you to or thinks there's no problem.

For the room....I found moldy food, dirty dishware in drawers, in nightstand, in the closet, filthy clothing and bedsheets, chip bags, food on the floor, spilled drinks, used tissues thrown on the floor, makeup spilled. Towels everywhere. I mean, it wasn't just messy but filthy. DH was not helping. It came to a head when I could smell the room in the hallway through a closed door. I told HIM, after OSD clearly didn't care to listen to me, that if he didn't make sure it was cleaned, I most certainly would. I don't allow messes that will attract vermin (we have mice, rats, ants that WILL be drawn to it in our area). So guess what? I gave one warning to them a day or two before she left for BMs and nothing was cleaned...I trash bagged everything that wasn't in a reasonable place. SIX bags. Threw all of it together.

I made a concession and didn't throw it all away but put them in the garage. The deal was she go through the bags and properly take care of it and sort it. LOL. She started using it as storage, getting things when she wanted but leaving it there. DH refused to help with this after he had agreed. So I dumped allllll of it. Then a couple months later, room was trashed again. I bagged and trashed with one warning. Made it clear the difference between messy and filthy.

She had the gall to ask me to help her redecorate her room...I had told her before all this that I would. But now I had an easy condition. Keep your room cleaned up reasonably for three months and yes. She refused! No room change then.

Ki2619's picture

That's awesome!  Good for you. Did dh ever say anything? Was she embarrassed at all?  Sd12 is an awkward child. If you approach her she gets anxious and lies. 

Cover1W's picture

DH was supporting this at first but after OSD complained he backtracked. That's when I said NOPE. Our house is not a garbage dump. Explained how moldy food and the level of filth is not acceptable. Messy vs. Filthy. And I would not stop.


The only thing OSD was embarrassed about was the used sanitary pad DH saw, and that I called out as extra problematic. She never did that again actually.

I know BM had the same issue because YSD would tell us about how OSD got in trouble for it (the only thing she ever had ramifications for.... because it was so bad I think).

Ki2619's picture

Oh I'm not cleaning a thing. I've told DH what I'm seeing and how it's more than just messy. I also don't approach SD about it anymore. But I did tell DH when it becomes a household problem then I'm calling in a service. She also wants to redo her room. New paint colors and layout and previously I would be on board. I won't be doing a thing. I am the one who paints but but this time. He better buy himself lots of tape. We are scheduled to get new windows in a few weeks so she's going to have to clear it out. I will not be helping with that. Maybe it will open his eyes to what I'm seeing. 

I told her before when she started living here full time that she can be messy but not filthy. This is filthy. I think since dh got basically full custody he's too afraid to parent them because then they might not want to be here. Whatevs....have fun with that as they get older. I've tried and am done trying.