SD12 is ALWAYS miserable
I've posted on here a lot about how DH's relationship with SD12 is pretty strained. She doesn't want to come to our house. Caught text messages and social media posts about how she 'hates us' etc. DH is aware of all of this and said he has been trying to make a concious effort to spend more time with SD12.
Well DH wanted all of us to go to the pool yesterday. SD said she wanted to go and seemed excited and got ready. We get there and start getting ready to get in the pool. SD plops down at a table by herself and just starts staring at her phone. I ask if she's going to get in and she says "IDK." and doesn't even look up at us. Well, DH, myself, and DS (15 months) proceed to get it in the pool ourselves and give SD some space. And also try to have fun ourselves.
DH gets back out of the pool and basically forces SD to get in. There are slides, diving boards, etc. And she just stands there.
I get annoyed with the whole thing because then DH gets frustrated with her and it just kills the whole vibe. I can't really think of anything to do on my end. DH wanted everyone to go shopping together the other day.. I just politely declined since DS and I were already out running errands... and didn't feel like meeting up with them just to have SD complain.
DH tried to ask SD what was "wrong" at the pool. Of course there was no explanation. I honestly just think she is attention seeking. Why say you want to go to the pool just to not want to get in and then sit away from everyone else? Any ideas?? I honestly can't think of any other explanation.
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This is exactly how Killjoy
This is exactly how Killjoy got her name.
It's passive aggressive hostility. Regardless if she is truly miserable or not, she has to act miserable and make sure everyone is brought down by it. Ruining your day is the power move.
I agree with the power move
I agree with the power move thing... it's like she has to be in control of the situation.
Oldest SD used to be like this
My oldest SD, who is now 20, used to be like this at 12. She never stopped her drama.
We would take her and her 2 little sisters to the river to innertube, and she would "forget" her water shoes, forget to put on sunscreen, although we constantly reminded her. Then she would refuse to have fun, whine about everything, and have to have her daddee carry her (she is a heavyset girl, so not an easy task) on his back across the hot pavement to the car. Or she would "accidentally" sprain her ankle, get a sunburn, or sit on the railroad tracks with her earbuds in. Anything to put herself in the victim position so Daddeee would come rescue her. Meanwhile, her sisters would try to mimic her or end up playing fetch for her last minute needs. Most of the time she would pick fights so that the 2 younger SD's would end up fighting with eachother. She was a saboteur, pure and simple. Even if all she could do was sit at the dinner table with a sour look on her face. I used to call her the stinkbomb.
Finally at 17 she physically threatened me, then told DH she would "never speak to him again" if he didn't dump me (after 8 years together) and move back in with BM. DH told her no, so she didn't speak to him for a year, then well......she needed stuff so she called him up again. I have banned her from our house, but she still sometimes shows up in the middle of the night to try to get her little sisters to open the door for her. I think she is a sociopath. She cares for no one but herself. I would watch out for yours.
Stinkbomb
Ha, brilliant!
Killjoy is also a sociopath. The only enjoyment she gets in life is hurting others.
With 12 yo girls
With 12 yo girls
. What's wrong is simultaneously nothing and everything...haha
Spoiled children
Are never happy, always miserable and want others to be too.
If she has mental health
If she has mental health issues like depression or ADHD, then those could have a major effect on her moods and the way she regulates her emotions. Is she compliant to treatment or in therapy? It could be that her mental health issues are not being well controlled.
Same!
My SD12 is exactly the same! Face like thunder if you force her to participate (or speak). This is one of the issues that my SO has a month from today to get some improvement on or I'm out the door.
I've had a 12 year old daughter - one who is diagnosed with anxiety so I KNOW it's not easy to get out of this behavior but I ALWAYS encouraged my daughter to try whatever we were doing. I'd learned early (with the help of her psychologist) that if I let her sit it out she would be mad that she missed out. We had some outrageous arguments at times but not once did she ever regret being cajoled into participating. Finally at 17 she's almost outgoing - as much as one with social anxiety can be!
SO says SD is "like her mother" who won't enjoy anything unless she's in control but I've told him I don't care who she's like - you can still "parent" her into better behavior.
DH is the same! Says SD is
DH is the same! Says SD is exactly like BM. Everything we do is "never enough" and doesn't live up to her expectations. Always looking at the negative side of things instead of being appreciative.
12 is the age oldest SS
12 is the age oldest SS started not wanting to visit & making all of us miserable when he did. He'd stay in his room unless asked to come out, and when he did, he had a pained look on his face. It was so miserable that DH finally allowed him to stop coming. It's truly a no-win situation, and a big part of it is drama and a power play for sure.
YES! DH has given in a few
YES! DH has given in a few times this summer. SD will call (the only time she reached out to DH) to ask if she can stay at BMs extra days. He has started to just say 'sure' I feel like so he can save us all the pain and misery.
Does he ever put her on the
Does he ever put her on the spot by asking her why she wants to stay. Make her feel uncomfortable. If she won't answer then she can't stay with mommy dearest. Don't let her off the hook so easily.
Oh definitely! "We don't do
Oh definitely! "We don't do anything fun. I just sit in my room day. We don't have any 'good' food (ex. junk food)." etc. etc. None of it is true, it's just her perception. No, we aren't going to amusment parks everyday, but we invite her to things like the pool and she acts like we are torturing her. She just likes to complain and find fault with things. I think it also hurts DHs feelings, which is why he has started giving in.
He tries to reason and give examples, "Two days ago we did ______." And then it just turns into the two of them arguing back and forth of what 'constitues' fun. He has tried to explain to her the money aspect too. Like not going to drop hundreds of dollars every week because all she wants to do is go to Carowinds and shopping at the outlets. If it's free or just quality time together... she doesn't want any part of it.
And BM does all of this stuff
And BM does all of this stuff? I wonder what she's like with her friends (I'm assuming she actually has some friends)?
BM will load money on her
BM will load money on her Greenlight card (like a debit card for kids) just because. Not birthday money, not chore money, just because. *eyeroll* So SD gets annoyed when DH says he's not buying something or it's too expensive "Fine, I'll just ask my mom then." SD uses it against DH. As far as BM entertaining 24/7... she also lives with her aunt and older half brother. There are more chances for her to tag along with doing "something fun" over there at her house.
SD12 doesn't have friends actually *shocker*. Peers her age have sadly realized that she talks about everyone behind their backs. Of course she never apologizes and does no wrong. Her last 'friend' cut her off at the end of the school year in June. I don't blame her. I would be tired from all the drama too.
One sign of BPD that I have seen is unstable relationships... between her Dad and other kids her age, I definitely see this happening.
*note with BM... DH has actually tried having a conversation with BM about this before (giving money, saying she's bored, etc.). She just came back at him and said it wasn't her fault that he "doesn't have time for her." DH quit bringing it up with BM after that.
Life is going to be
Life is going to be unpleasant on that child when she grows up ...
Hate to say it, but I won't
Hate to say it, but I won't be surprised though. She already has the world vs. me mentality down to a T.
SDs
With SD23, back when she was doing her visitations, occasionally we would purposefully sneak out, because she would always turn nasty, and suck the fun out of things.
Now, with SD16 - occasionally she turns into a pouty mcPouterson. I sometimes chalk it up to normal hormonal mood swings, and sometimes its in reaction to something.
It sounds like theres more to it than just that one time. Theres a trend of her being superficial and non appreciative, materialistic and a joy-suck. Could be hormonal. Could be bi-polar. Could be just plain and simple spoiled bratola syndrome.
I know it sounds mean, but you do you and try not taking it personally.