Thinking about reengaging?
Summer is coming, SD12 is going to want to be here, even though custody is 50-50, she'll probably be here a bit more (most likely because she has no rules or chores)... I really don't mind her being here, she's pretty responsible, usually just stays in her room all day, and DH and our kids enjoy seeing her.
Anyway, I was going to purchase a pool pass for our kids, and it's only an extra $25 to include SD on this pass for the summer. I thought I'd offer to include her on the pass and take her to the pool on the condition that she not act nasty towards me. BTW DH won't go, half because he works such long hours, and half because he really doesn't like going, he'll probably go once this summer because I nag him.
Lately I've been very, very disengaged. SD has a history of being totally shove it in your face ungrateful whenever I do anything for her... but it's been months since I drew the line on doing anything for her. I'm hoping she's maybe learned? Maybe? My only hesitation about getting the pass is that she will say something mean, and make me regret it.
Also don't want to take our kids there without her, especially if it's going to make her feel bad. So their pool passes will go unused until she's at her mom's. And there's another plus, even though she's rotten to me, she is a loving, and wonderful big sister, and will probably help out a lot when it comes to being at the pool. And she requires little supervision, she can follow rules and knows how to swim very well.
What do you all think?
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Maybe get the pass and make
Maybe get the pass and make it clear to her that if she misbehaves you will not continue to take her.
That way she has the opportunity, but you're not stuck dealing with her every time if she's being rude.
$25 doesn't seem like too much money to gamble on such a thing
Yes, but it makes family life
Yes, but it makes family life so much easier, DH feels bad that she feels bad, and he either has to make it up to her by spending tons of money or he has to start an argument with me, even though they both know exactly why I'm being the bad guy. It's easier just to wait and do these things until she's at her mom's house. And our kids like spending time with their sister, so having them stay at home when she's here is a plus for them. I'm hoping it will get easier when she's older, and has her own life (if that ever happens).
If its going to benefit you
If its going to benefit you and it sounds like it could, then I would . I wouldn't say "hey, I paid for this for you. or I included you." Maybe just "hey kids, let's go cool off at the pool" so try and not make it about her or that you are doing anything for her.. and maybe you won't get the nasty snark and you just get the benefits of your kids enjoying their sister.
Agree!
Agree!
ditto!
ditto!
My 2 cents is that it's just
My 2 cents is that it's just 25 bucks. It makes your life easier and your kids will get to use the pool more I would do it for that alone. Do it with no expectations of gratefulness or any realization on the SD's part that this was something she should "appreciate". I have found that a lot of kids feel that things like this are things that should just be done for them and no special thanks is needed. I'm sure even your kids don't thank you every time you take them to the pool.
As another poster said, just be matter of fact and say that you are all going to the pool for the day etc. Don't put her in the position that she "has" to thank you. Yes, it would be nice if she did and your DH should certainly ensure that she is respectful to you (as respectful as most 12 yo girls are lol) but expecting her to make a big fuss and go out of her way may not end up in a very positive way.
So, get the pass, take her with the other kids and let them enjoy each other. You sit in the shade and sip tea:)
Not really expecting a TY,
Not really expecting a TY, just expecting that after taking her for a fun day at the pool, that she not sit next to me on the couch and call her mom and loudly proclaim that she had a horrible time at the pool, she hates me, and that when BM takes her it will be so much more fun. I do something for her and it's like she has to prove to me that I am not Mom and I am poop compared to Mom. I'd be a little more empathetic if BM were a PASinator, but she's not. SD is just a born jerk. I'm just hoping she's grown up a bit. Plus, DH wants me to try, after she crabbed about me not inviting her to my Bday getaway (which would have been miserable if she went) so I thought this might be a little start..
I think if I make my expectations clear, no saying anything mean to or about me or comparing me to BM, if she has to get it out she can save it for her journal, she might have a fighting chance at not pissing me off.
And I'll go for it, You're right, I really don't have much to lose.
I bought them passes for the
I bought them passes for the past 3 or so years, without including SD... I stopped taking her, because at the time she not only ignored me, and swam away when I told her it was time to go, when she got pulled out of the pool by her dad, she had an epic screaming meltdown. Since DH doesn't like going, I have just traditionally just avoided going while SD is here, to avoid drama. DH won't be pissed, he has been witness to her awful behavior towards me. He thinks since she's been pretty quiet towards me lately (which I believe is because I no longer do anything for her)... that I should try again, so I'll try again, and maybe he's right maybe she has grown up a little, we shall see.
I struggled with this and put
I struggled with this and put up with this for a while, but mine is an extreme case. I completely stopped doing nice little things for or planning big exciting things when SS was here. Every time we would go somewhere, his behavior was horrendous. Touching strangers, running off, doing exactly the opposite of what you told him to do/not to do. We spent more time correcting his behavior than enjoying the activity, so I said I wasn't doing it anymore. We could plan things for while he wasn't here or DH could take him solo if he felt bad. BM takes him places all the time so it's not like he's missing out on life completely. Add on the fact that the little turd goes home and tells his mom that it sucks here and we abuse him, yeah, definitely not doing any special favors.
That being said, while sucky, your case doesn't seem to be extreme and your bios enjoy the time and it would help you out. $25 isn't a lot of money to fret over, so just do it, and if she's snarky or rude, no pool time. I agree with Sally on the calling her out if she does that crap with her mom. Also, if she ends up having to stay home, you can say she was rude or disrespectful or whatever and tell DH to shove it because he wasn't there to see or handle any of it. Your time, your choice.