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FUMING! DH footing the bill for SD13

Dogmom1321's picture

The offical CO has SD13 living with us 50/50 and no child support being paid. BM is a piece of sh!t and never follows the order and declines visitation when having SD13 doesn't fit her schedule. DH has said NOTHING to BM for the past 1.5 years this has been going on. IMHO he should have taken her back to court and filed for CS. 

Well, BM is taking SD13 on a spring break vacation out of state. He asked me to set out $50 on the kitchen counter so SD13 can have some "spending money". WTF! I told him that was ridiculous and he's basically giving BM cash, not SD13. She is FINALLY using her custody time and DH feels the need to give SD cash. Why is he footing the bill for her vacation shopping!? It's not the 50 bucks is the principle. Bending over backwards for BM and doing her "favors". SHE should provide SD13 any expenses for the trip SHE is taking her on! When she doesn't even get her 50/50 like she is supposed too! UGH, I"M FUMING! Would you be pissed too?

DH justified it and said he just deposited $600 in our joint account, but that is neither here nor there IMO. 


RockyRoads's picture

I am always pissed when SO gives extra. He can never see that it is helping BM. He see it as he is helping out his kids.  

BethAnne's picture

You've just reminded me of the time when my husband funded a vacation for BM and sd - as I recall it was a couple of days at a water park/hotel place. I was furious that he paid for the whole thing. When they got back he discovered that BM had taken her then boyfriend along for the trip and sd (5 or 6 I think?) had woken to them having sex as they were all sharing a room. When he found all of this out it was his turn to be furious....

It took my husband a good few years to stop giving BM money for every request. He does still pay for stuff now, (beyond child support) but it is a lot less frequent and usually for a (semi-)legitimate reason.

CastleJJ's picture

Yeah, that makes no sense. I could see sending spending money if SD was traveling with a friend's family or an aunt or a grandma on spring break, but BM... She can foot SD's bill. She is half of SD's parental equation, so she's half financially responsible in the overall picture and should be 100% financially responsible during her time. 

Harry's picture

Put $50 in it.  Put all the exter money DH gives BM the ex. Into your account..  along with the exter money for DD.  She didn't go to the water park.   

Harry's picture

Put $50 in it.  Put all the exter money DH gives BM the ex. Into your account..  along with the exter money for DD.  She didn't go to the water park.   It's FOR THE KIDS 

CLove's picture

And SDnow25 Feral Forger STBX Husband would always give them extra "spending" money, "so they could have some joy in their lives"...

That is beyond annoying.

simifan's picture

I would point out to him, that suing BM for child support might actually get her to use her visitation time, 

Rags's picture

Math does not seem to be DH's strong suit.  He deposited $600 giving $50 to BM leaving.... $550.

We had this same issue with the SpermClan.  We would provide SS-31 with travel money when he flew to SpermLand once he reached the age that  he could fly as an unaccompanies minor.  SpermGrandHag would take his cash upon arrival, grouse at him that it was money they had provided in CS, then she would fill her gas tank, take herself, SS, and the three younger Spermidiot spawn half sibs, her dauthter and those GKs to lunch.

We did not want to punish SS and risk him being stuck in an airport without funds. So, we went with a zero balance checking account with a debit card.  The account had SS and my DW on it. We would transfer money in before he departed for SpermLand, then transfer it out when he arrived at the SpermLand airport.  He knew how much we had put in the account before he left.   SpermGrandHag would pressure him to pay, ..... Ha!.  Nope Hag. As soon as he landed the card was frozen.

She lost her batshit crazy mind when she could not pay for meals or gas and had to sit and wait for SpermGrandPa to come pay so she and the kids could leave.  Visitation expenses for SS were on them.  Period. Dot.  They got stuck one time on a road trip with no money.  SS once called us to ask for money to get them to their destination and then back to SpermLand.  SpermGrandHag pressured him.  Nope. Sorry kid-oh.  Hag has to figure this out and it is not your responsiblity to be the adult when you are in SpermLand.  Keep us updated in case we have to call the police ot come get you, or if we need to fly out to get you and bring you home.  This was about 8th grade after we gave him a cell phone so we could be readily in touch.

Time for your DH to collect his balls from BM's purse and man up.   Any money that goes to the opposition's home during a visitation far more often than not benefits the opposition and not the Skid.

At least in our experience.

AgedOut's picture

I swear some of these dads have velcro balls. sk wants dadddyyyyyyy to give them spending money on BMs time... riiiiip those balls come flying off. 

strugglingSM's picture

It's ridiculous that your DH thought he needed to provide "spending money" for his daughter who is going on a trip with her mom, who should cover all expenses related to the trip. 

It's even more ridiculous that he wanted you to make sure it happened. Asking you to set $50 out for SD...what are you, his assistant? 

ESMOD's picture

I get your frustration with BM.  But.. my DH gave his kids money when they went on vacations (both with us and with BM).. school trips.. travel tournaments etc.. He wasn't paying for trips that BM was sponsoring IMHO..  he was giving his kids a little extra spending money to treat themselves.. when he knew they were going somewhere special... 

I don't really see it as subsidizing BM.. it wasn't necessarily paying for any of the trip costs.. it would just allow his daughter to have a treat or buy a souvenir.. on him.  

As long as it wasn't an issue where he wasn't able to afford to pay your joint bills because he gave his kid 50 dollars.. I would try to frame it as a nice thing for his kid vs helping his EX. 

ESMOD's picture

As long as he does similar things for the other kids.. I agree no problem with it really.  If it only seems to be to the benefit of one kid.. and he ignores HIS other kids?  then that would be my issue.


Dogmom1321's picture


It totally backfired and blew up in his face. SD13 called a few days later begging for more money becaue she found $75 jeans she wanted. SD was asking DH to send cashapp money to BM! BM called DH and said do NOT send money because SD had a disrespectful attitude ("fine, I'll just get my Dad to buy them if you won't") and she thought that price was ridiculous for jeans anyway. 

DH FINALLY said he was going to stay out of it. I said "I told you so." SD13 proceeded to text DH calling her mom a b!tch and loser. I told him I didn't know why he was surprised SD13 was acting that way. SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER! Hopefully he learned his lesson for next time. 

ESMOD's picture

TBH, her calling and asking for money for the jeans really is neither here nor there.. when he gave her some spending money for the trip that really isn't related per se.

What SD may have learned is that playing your parents against each other doesn't always get your way

We had a neighbor once that kept asking my SO to lend him 20 dollars.. like all the time.  Finally he said.. Kurt.. you keep asking me.. but I never lend you the money.. I always say no.. why do you keep asking?... the answer was.. "well.. you never ask.. you never get".

I  mean.. she is his kid.. and kid's parent's give them money from time to time.. to spend on whatever.. and kids may push to ask for more.. it's up to the parent to decide what is and what is not a reasonable ask.  

Just because she made an unreasonable ask for money to buy something that was deemed too expensive (and actually 75 dollar jeans are not really a huge outlier these days for women's clothes).. doesn't mean that he might not give her money again the next time she goes on vacation.. or a trip.. with him or not.

I don't think he was "burned" in any way.. he just said no.

Dogmom1321's picture

"What SD may have learned is that playing your parents against each other doesn't always get your way."

Eek, one could only hope. I thought DH could have used this as a learning opportunity for SD13. You know... maybe teaching her that she shouldn't cuss out a parent & that it's totally disrespectful. But he said nothing to her as always. So I'm sure SD13 will continue unfortunately... 

DH seemed annoyed that he was being bombarded with texts, but also just as clueless of how he contributed to the drama. Typical! I don't want to hear his complaints when he's inserting himself into a problem. IMHO. Props to BM for telling SD no and setting boundaries. DH obviously does a p!ss poor job of it. Which makes SD13 thinks she can even get away with it in the first place.