OT: Disengaged Grandparents/In-Laws
DH's dad lives about 5 hours away and is remarried. Grandparent is early 70s and retired. He constantly complains about not seeing his grandkids. He does not call or Facetime to check on them though. He makes comments to DH such as "I wish we could all go on a beach family vacation." Grandfather continuously guilts DH, even though HE is the one with the flexible schedule and makes no effort.
Well, DHs feelings were hurt yesterday. Grandparent said he would like to visit next Friday and spend the night... on their way passing through town to go on a beach vacation with his remarried wife's family (she has young grandkids too).
I told DH it did not hurt my feelings one bit that Grandparent continues to be uninvolved/absent. I would actually PREFER it that way so DS3 doesn't have inconsistencies. I DID say that Grandparent should stop making passive comments. He should NOT be complaining while doing nothing about it. The phone rings both ways.
DS3 has not seen Grandparent since Christmas... and it was only for one day as well. Am I wrong for not encouraging/fostering a relationship with an absent Grandparent? I am OVER the guilt trips when he makes zero effort... he makes ALL the time for his new wife's grandkids though. So I believe it is 100% choice to not be involved.
Should DH call out his father on it?
Thoughts and advice please!
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Grandfather would have to be
Grandfather would have to be an idiot to not realize that he spends more time with his step-grandkids over DS3. TBH, it sounds like he's being a little bit of a drama queen.
I think your DH should counter the passive comments with direct comments and put more at grandfather's door... "Feel free to call any time." "A beach vacation sounds fun! Let me know when you want to go and we'll discuss dates."
As for an absent grandparent... All of my Dad's siblings lived less than 2 hours away from my paternal grandparents. Naturally, their children had more grandparent time. My Mom's siblings all lived 15 minutes to 3 hours away from their parents. Again, their children got to spend more time with the grandparents. We saw the grandparents once a year. Because we saw them less frequently, they made an effort to spend one-on-one time with each of us. Not everyone is blessed with proximity to family.
I guess it's just easy to
I guess it's just easy to compare to my own parents. They are slightly younger, but still working full-time. About 3-4 hours away, but we see them once a month. DS3 is also their only grandchild, so I think they really value the time spent together. Where as DHs father has probably 7 or 8 including the steps.
I really hope DH starts calling him out on it!
You're so lucky!!! I would
You're so lucky!!! I would have loved living closer to my grandparents! They were quite different (Mom was a southern belle and Dad a stoic northern Finn), but soooooo interesting!
Fingers crossed that he does! Grandfather is being a big ol' poopie head.
If Grandfather wants a beach vacation
He should rent someplace big enough for all of you to go. He should open his wallet and pay for the rental, food and some fun things for the GK. Problem solved
The lack of initiative blows
The lack of initiative blows my mind!
My parents are the same way
My parents are the same way with my niece. They moved to be closer to my sis when my niece was in pre-school. They ended up not seeing her much at all. Almost no help with kid-care (unless it was a dire emergency) and my sister had to initiate most of the get-togethers when they happened. As she got older, my sister worked more and didn't have time for all the arrangements. Did my parents step up? NOPE. They wonder to this day why my niece doesn't have a close relationship with them. Heck, they wonder why me, my sister AND my niece don't have a close relationship with them. Maybe because they don't initiate much of anything? And there's been some truly, truly horrible situations they have created that make us all cautious. Lack of introspection - #1.
I think I would take a
I think I would take a different approach because you know there won't be follow through. I do this with DH's sister's every couple of years when they start talking BS.
Find a BIG house on the beach to rent. One that has enough rooms for everyone including new wife's kids. I know in the OBX you can find 15-18 bedroom houses all over. My family used to rent them every year.
Come up with the price per person on the date YOU select and send that to your FIL. We would love to book this we just need everyone to have fund sent into an account to pay for it. (You will be looking at like 12-15K) but price per bedroom it's not bad for a family vacation. Tell him that every household takes on one day of food- Breakfast, lunch, dinner- Shop, cook and clean. But you guys are ready if they are!
LOL nothing will come of it and the next time he says something, well, we already tried that and you couldn't make it work.
Genius!
Genius!
He should NOT be complaining
This generation of elderly men is acting like this generation of young men....entitled, bi+ch n moan about all these problems yet offer zero solutions like most normal men who like solving problems, and out of touch with reality (retired people "pretend" to forget everyone isn't retired with no schedule and passive income)
99+% of the time when someone starts a sentence with "Am I wrong
the answer is invariably... No, you are not wrong.
So, no, you are not wrong.
Your LO probably would not recognize SpermGrandPa even if he did dein to visit briefly. Make sure to point tha tout to SpermGrandPa and daddy. "Ooo... Too bad you are around so rarely that your grandson doesn't know who you are."
Make better choices and knock off the guilt trip manipualtions Grandpa.
Some people never find a brain even well into their Sr citizen years.
Sounds like your FIL is one of them.
Different perspective here
Was the grandfather allowed to be an involved and active parent or did bio mom make him seem irrelevant?. How often does your husband call, text or facetime his dad? At Christmas did he come to you or did you go to him? Who do you normally celebrate holidays with? Your parents? Bio mom?
How do you know who is paying for the beach vacation? The new wife or her kids could be footing the bill. Maybe he prefers to spend time with his wife's kids and grandkids because they make him feel like family. Grandpa's in his mid-70's, how is his health? Can he easily drive to yours unaided?
You see my DH is an active involved grandparent with my grandchildren because he is asked to participate. He has given up on his kids/grandkids after years of being pushed aside and minimized, not invited for birthdays or school plays or graduations. After years of this we just stopped trying. He is in his 70's and his health makes hard for him to make the trip on his own, I have other responsibilities and honestly no desire to drive him. It is easier for them to make the trip than him.
Perhaps this isn't the case in your situation but I sure would like to hear grandpa's side of the story.