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Obsessive In-Laws and Step Kids

disgusted's picture

Does anyone else have significant issues with your "in-laws" regarding Step Kids??

My in laws absolutely worship the ground Step Snot walks on and think she is just perfection incarnate..She is the "favorite" grand child and equally worshiped by other family members. They, of course, never believed in telling her "no" or having any rules or expectations for her.

Then, of course, I came along and actually had the audacity to tell her NO and then I had even went so far as to not drop everything and anything the instant she whimpered or whined. I also must admit that I committed the ultimate sin of not pampering her and catering to her when she was having a temper tantrum!!! (Gasp!! The evilness of it all!!) SO I was immediately the most evil "step mom" in the world to her according to the parents in laws, siblings in laws ect.

DH and I have had significant disputes with his family regarding their obsessive preoccupation with Step Snot and them constantly trying to "butt in" and interfere in how we raise her and in every aspect of our parental business.

In fact it got so bad when she was younger that we cut them out of our lives and those of our children lives. They have seen Step Snot twice, briefly in the past 10 years, and they have spoken to her just a few times by phone under direct audio supervision. And yet their attempts at "meddling" and "interfering" and "undermining" are on going..

Now they are trying to "sneak" to have communication with her over the internet on Yahoo messenger!! I checked her yahoo today and saw a "buddy invite" from DH's little brothers wife saying "Don't tell your mom and dad that I sent you this!" Who does she think she is?? She is just the spouse of a family member!! I just deleted it..

Step Snot doesn't even remember these people from when she was little! She remembers them vaguely from the two brief times she saw them but she has no memory of them at all from when she was little. She never talks about them or expresses any interest in having anything to do with them..

If they wanted to "talk" to her then they should have behaved like adults and gone to my DH..Not tried to "sneak" behind his back or ask Step Snot to "keep secrets" for her father. And what the hell does his brothers wife have to do with anything anyway??

"The Others" (as I refer to my in laws) are a weird bunch of people..I just don't get it..


Amaurea's picture

But I totally understand where you're coming from. FH's father and grandparents act like the sun shines out of SD's ass! She can do no wrong, NEVER gets yelled at, cannot sleep without someone in the room with her (cuz she might stop breathing ya know!), and in general gives her whatever she wants as soon as she starts to whine. And GOD FORBID FH or I yell at/punish her for doing something wrong! You would think we had just beat her with a bat garnished with rusty nails the way they act!

The other day, we were playing Candyland with her. We played a "fair" game, followed the rules, and I just happened to win. FH started to tell her that she should clap for me, cuz the winner should get congratulated, and we'll play again and maybe she'll win next time (see, BM just had a baby and apparently SD has been acting really jealous/bratty about it PLUS her teachers have noted that she's been having sharing issues with classmates so we were trying to instill in her that you have to follow rules and "share" winning to try to break her of the attitude). WELL, SD didn't want to hear ANY of it. She runs out of the room crying to FH's father and grandparents (we were at their house)and grandpa proceeded to play another game with her and let her win 4 times in a row.

But oh no, it didn't stop there. FH's father, after the games, started bitching and yelling at FH for not letting her win. When FH started to explain WHY (what I said above) he just "didn't care" and there's "no excuse" for not letting her win. But it didn't stop there either. The NEXT day, he bitched at FH AGAIN about it. He just couldn't get over us not letting his precious angel win and making her *gasp* cry!

Now, this is just one example. And if once we are married, his family continues this kind of behavior, we just may have to cut them off like you. Its not good, but I am NOT dealing with this kiss-ass-let-the-brat-get-away-with-everything and I get yelled at if I don't abide (like I'M the child!) forever. It is not happening.

disgusted's picture

You just described a classic scenario between my in laws, my step kid,. In fact, I believe we had a similar issue over the same game!!! His parents and siblings would "go off" over stupid crap like that all the time. Unfortunately, they would do it in DH's home and right in front of Step Snot!!!

They were forever barging into DH's house and undermining him or questing him about a correction he gave Step Snot right in front of her!! When he and she moved into MY home and his family tried to do that I told them

First of all, you need to call before coming by and when you do come by you need to knock not just barge through our front door.

Secondly, you are not welcome to undermine or second guess us in front of any of our kids under this roof.

That is one of the things that started his huge 10 year long family "war"..

secondwife20's picture

I don't have to deal with that! My in laws don't fall for Blabb's little "poor me" act. They hate how DH is raising Blabb... so I'm quite blessed.

:/ It must be awful to have no support whatsoever from your DH and in laws. They do sound like a pathetic group...

disgusted's picture

Oh how lucky you are!! My in laws still carry on as if Step Snot is 3 and can't think for herself and would be totally incapable of doing anything wrong, let alone on purpose!! "Oh she wouldn't do that!!" (Shes 12 people) Ummmm if they only knew what a nasty little devil she really was!!!

disgusted's picture

Oh yes, the classic "excuse makers"!! This is another one of my in law favorites and unfortunately DH picked this up from his parents also. Anytime, Step Snot did anything wrong, no matter how wrong it is, they would try to provide an "excuse" for her behavior.

There favorite was because her BM abandoned her. In fact, they used it so much that Step Snot, at three, learned how to use it to try to manipulate her way out of correction. The only time I ever heard her say "I miss my mom" was when DH was getting after her. Other then that she never mentioned her at all. She tried it with me, ONE TIME, and it didn't work. I told DH that she is just using her "mom" to try to manipulate and get out of being corrected. He got hip to it..And she never mentioned her mother again.

DH isn't so bad about this anymore but I have told him numerous times that "making excuses" isn't going to work for her in front of a judge, principal, or juvenile justice court which is right where she is heading if you keep making excuses and don't start correcting her. I told him the prisons are filled with people who were abandoned by a bio parent..She isn't "special"...Geeezzzzz

This drives me nuts more then just about anything. I can see it down the road..Step Snot robs a bank and there are DH and his parents "Well judge do you think she did it because her mom walked out on her when she was three?" Gimme a break...

brutallyhonest's picture

SD15 is the only grandchild on BF's side. All the relatives compensate for SD's broken family with gifts, lax rules and letting her get a way with things.

When we would have a family game night, FIL would always rig is so SD would win and would always give some prize for winning. It got to the point where I hated playing any type of card or board game because what was the point if the outcome was already known- just give SD the $20 you plan to give for for "winning" and let's move on.

SD has also through the years tried to use MIL/FIL against us by telling them how mean I/BF are when she isn't getting her way and then we have to deal with the 3rd degree on why we took this or that action with SD and her behaviors.

MIL and FIL clearly don't get "it" we just learned SD15 is flunking the 10th grade just like she flunked the 9th grade. Their solution, take her out of school on a trip to Boston to have one-on-one time with her. Gee, what a punishment for flunking get out of school and go on a cross country trip......

Personally I think years of MIL/FIL running interference for SD and letting her "win" has help develop a spoiled, snotty teen that won't be graduating from high school.

disgusted's picture

I think your correct...Step Snot learned how to "tattle" on us to his parents to "get us into trouble" at four years old!! Oh yes, they would then try to give DH the third degree right in front of step snot!! I about fell outta my chair the first time I saw them do that..

Had my mother even considered to that with one of my own children..I would have loaded up my kids and left or kicked her behind out of my house!! I finally told them that under my roof they are guest and they will behave accordingly or they can not come over anymore..I also reminding them that having a relationship with their grandchild is a privileged and not a right..Yeah, they kept it up and have only seen Step Snot twice briefly in the past 10 years...She doesn't even remember them..

If they would have just respected us and butted out like we asked them too. They would have enjoyed having a relationship with step snot and our son over the past 10 years. Unfortunately, for them, trying to "run the show" and control how we raised our kids resulted in no relationship with them at all.