I was talking to a friend about how I don't want to go on this trip to England that SO is making me go on in March with SD. I feel like I already typed out a lot of my feelings once, so I'll just copy and paste it here:

(11:34:29 AM) Friend: how is everything else going?
(11:34:41 AM) Me: Going really well
(11:34:47 AM) Me: Stressing a bit about this trip
(11:36:09 AM) Friend: when is your trip?
(11:36:14 AM) Friend: you get your passport?
(11:36:44 AM) Me: I got my passport awhile ago, hahaha.
(11:36:49 AM) Me: It's on March 8.
(11:36:55 AM) Me: Honestly, I really don't want to go, but.
(11:37:26 AM) Friend: Why? England is cool.
(11:37:42 AM) Me: Because we're taking his kid
(11:38:11 AM) Me: And I hate spending so much concentrated time when I'm not even getting paid for it (since I'm a contractor, I'm losing A LOT of money for this trip)
(11:38:27 AM) Me: And for me, if I lose that kind of money, I want it to be a vacation
(11:38:30 AM) Me: And this isn't going to be.
(11:38:45 AM) Me: So, I'm bummed about going, but after all that he's done for me, I can do him the favor of going, I suppose.
(11:39:02 AM) Me: I'm sure that sounds shitty.
(11:39:15 AM) Me: But it's how I feel. If I had PTO, it'd be a completely different story.
(11:39:16 AM) Friend: No. It sounds honest.
(11:39:48 AM) Me: I'm just really kind of dreading it. :/
(11:40:51 AM) Friend: Well...don't dread it Find the good stuff. 'Cause if you go in thinking it's going to be shitty, then it's going to be shitty. Try to find the positives in the trip. Have you ever been to england before?
(11:41:01 AM) Me: I keep going back and forth.
(11:41:07 AM) Me: Between being really excited, and really bummed out.
(11:41:13 AM) Me: Yeah, I've been before.
(11:41:21 AM) Me: When I was in high school.
(11:41:43 AM) Friend: ARe you staying in London? Country?
(11:41:51 AM) Me: We're staying in the country.
(11:41:56 AM) Me: Because that's where he's from.
(11:42:02 AM) Me: We only get to go to London for a day.
(11:42:20 AM) Friend: Well, I'm sure there will be a very bad ass pub or 12 that you can frequent
(11:42:33 AM) Me: Hahaha, actually, for a town of 3000, they do have 12 pubs, SO tells me
(11:42:35 AM) Me: Hahaha!
(11:42:55 AM) Friend: English beer is very good at making the blues go away.
(11:43:22 AM) Me: I am excited. I just don't think that I can handle having a kid in my face for that length of time. But unlike the Thanksgiving trip, there will be people to take care of her, and pubs, and things for her to do.
(11:43:36 AM) Friend: There is not much that fish and chips, sheperds pie and a pint of cold guiness can't fix.
(11:43:37 AM) Me: The trip back to Alabama for Thanksgiving killed me.
(11:43:41 AM) Me: INDEED.
(11:45:52 AM) Me: I think that I'm dreading it because I'm comparing it in my head to Thanksgiving, only for longer.
(11:46:01 AM) Me: And that seriously had me ready to throttle someone.
(11:46:16 AM) Me: But SO assures me that it'll be different from Thanksgiving.
(11:47:14 AM) Friend: Ah, just keep a steady buzz going the whole time and you'll be fine.
(11:47:29 AM) Friend: It's England, you'll fit right in.
(11:47:36 AM) Me: Hahahahahaa that's what I told SO I was gonna do
(11:47:54 AM) Friend: that whole country is half in the bag.
(11:47:57 AM) Me: I was like, "I'm just going to be in varying states of non-sobriety, cool?"
(11:49:11 AM) Me: He seems to want me to help him be a parent, but frankly, I'm kind of pissed at him for this whole debacle, EVEN THOUGH it turned some things around for me in the end. His treatment of me during this has made me realize that he can have a tendency to be really selfish. So, if I'm not getting paid, I'm making the most of this that I can, so I may end up being slightly selfish, myself.
(11:50:32 AM) Friend: which debacle? Kid? Trip?
(11:51:11 AM) Me: The tri[
(11:51:13 AM) Me: trip*
(11:52:24 AM) Me: He didn't ask me at all, just assumed that it was completely fine for me to take that kind of time off of work that I won't be getting paid for and fuck off to England with his kid. Which is all fine, but then when he found out how difficult it was going to be, he started HEAVILY communicating with me about how to make it happen and what we could do and what I thought, etc. And I just got really pissed that he only seemed to give a shit about what I felt or thought at any point during this when it was going to benefit him.
(11:53:14 AM) Friend: understandable. Does he not want to travel alone with his kid?
(11:53:24 AM) Me: And i told him that it was really selfish of him to communicate with me about specifics and details to try and work things out, when he didn't even bother to ask me about going in the first place.
(11:53:27 AM) Me: No, he doesn't.
(11:53:34 AM) Me: He wants us all to travel together as a family.
(11:53:42 AM) Me: Which, fine.
(11:53:44 AM) Me: But man.
(11:53:59 AM) Friend: a week of work is a week of work
(11:54:02 AM) Me: I have yet to even have so much as a three day weekend that wasn't shared with his kid since I started this job in June
(11:54:08 AM) Me: And now I'm losing 8 days of pay
(11:54:25 AM) Me: So when do I get a fucking adult vacation with my partner, you know?
(11:54:45 AM) Me: Every three day weekend - yes, including this one - we have her, as well
(11:54:57 AM) Me: For some reason
(11:55:12 AM) Me: Allegedly, next Thanksgiving and Christmas break we won't have her
(11:57:35 AM) Me: Like I said, if I had PTO, this would be an entirely different animal.
(11:57:42 AM) Me: But it's like he has no consideration whatsoever.
(11:58:06 AM) Friend: Well, just to play devil's advocate for a sec...that is part of being with someone who has a kid. As sucky as it is. But 8 days of no pay would have been a deal breaker for me. That's a lot of scratch. My wife and kids are going to be gone the whole week of my sons spring break in March and there is no way I can go - 1. we are supposed to lock that week and 2. I don't have the PTO days. She understands.
(11:58:46 AM) Me: Yeah, and I hear what you're saying, guy with a kid, blah blah. I get it, because this is precisely why I never get to complain about how I feel to anyone who isn't a step parent.
(11:58:56 AM) Me: Because that's all that anyone ever says.
(11:59:05 AM) Me: And like I said. If I got paid.
(11:59:08 AM) Me: It'd be completely different.
(11:59:29 AM) Me: But I'm sacrificing A LOT, including but not limited to my personal sanity, for this trip.
(12:00:11 PM) Friend: oh, I hear ya. Look, I hate going on trips with MY OWN KIDS. they drive me bat shit and they are mine.
(12:00:49 PM) Friend: also, the 8 days no pay would have been the deal breaker. Luv ya, but no. Have fun in England.
(12:01:11 PM) Friend: I'll be waiting for you when you get back.
(12:01:18 PM) Me: And yeah, some consideration for my feelings and the realization that I have changed my life completely for the sake of "it's a guy with a kid" is never appreciated or acknoledged. Instead, the moment I feel frustration and want to vent about how hard it is for me to adjust, I can't complain to SO because he feels like I'm personally attacking his kid, and I can't complain to anyone who isn't a step parent, because trust me, until you are one, you can't possibly understand how difficult it is. And I'm losing so much money and I already owe like $2k in taxes.
(12:01:50 PM) Me: And the only reason that I'm going is that he threw a ton of money at my legal problems and made many of them go away completely, and smoothed over this big one to a managable point.
(12:02:22 PM) Me: So it's my way of saying, thanks for handling that. Even though he only did it so that I'd get to go in the first place. It's a very weird catch 22 type of situation.
(12:04:47 PM) Friend: Well, try to look at it this way...add up all the legal fees, and what you would have had to pay, and even with the 8 days of lost pay you are probably going to come out ahead of the game anyway. Plus, trip to England. Try not to let the kid get under your skin...
(12:05:06 PM) Me: Yeah. Pubs and fish and chips and such.
(12:06:34 PM) Friend: I get your frustration....didn't mean to be one more unsimpathetic ear...I have no clue what it's like to have to put up with a child who is not mine, yet I need to be a parent too.
(12:06:49 PM) Me: It's okay
(12:06:57 PM) Me: I didn't mean to like, go off on you about it
(12:07:05 PM) Friend: No worries
(12:07:15 PM) Friend: It's gotta be hard.
(12:07:18 PM) Me: It is.
(12:07:21 PM) Me: It really really is.
(12:07:26 PM) Me: BUT ANYWAY.
(12:07:42 PM) Me: I think I just needed to vent about that, because I know that you and I have a nice no-judgment zone thing going on.
(12:08:16 PM) Friend: absolutely.
(12:08:17 PM) Me: And like I said
(12:08:26 PM) Me: It took you some time to play the devil's advocate card
(12:08:52 PM) Me: But like, if I bitch about this stuff to my sister, it lasts long enough for me to make my opening statement, and then her response is immediately, "You're with a guy with a kid"
(12:08:55 PM) Me: And that's the end of that
(12:09:18 PM) Friend: it did...just the parent in me.
(12:09:28 PM) Me: hahaha, it's understandable
(12:09:37 PM) Me: So thanks for listening

So then, I told SO in the car at lunch that my feelings were hurt that I had no one to talk to and get reassurance from because of my unique (in my friends' circle, anyway) situation, and he started yelling about how he's hard wired to get defensive if I talk about his kid in any negative context, and that I'm blaming him for being a father, etc. Apparently I can't even talk to him about how I can't talk to him about things without being shat upon. This sucks.