You are here

I knew what I was getting into....yeah right

DarkStar's picture

Then reality hits.......I had NO IDEA.  See previous blogs for history.  So much crap has hit the fan and I am LOSING it.  SD20 has gained almost 100 pounds since she went out of state for school.  ALL she talks about is her weight, her anxiety, how many meds she is on, etc's annoying beyond belief.  Even FDH has had it.  She is about a year behind and at least 20K into student loan debts, not including the Parent Loans that BM has taken out.  Thank all of the higher powers that FDH does NOT believe in taking out parent loans for college.  So she is dropping out of school and wants to.....get this.....go to cosmotology school.  Another 20K approximately.  So if she actually sticks with it, she'll be at least 40K in debt before she starts working a "real job".  She HATES any sort of physical activity. are you going to handle being on your feet ALL DAY doing hair and bending over for shampoos and such????  All I could think was "SheCan'tLiveHereSheCan'tLiveHereIWillGoInsaneSheCan'tLiveHere".  One night after a bottle (or two) of wine I blurted that out and as you can guess, it wasn't well received.  NEVER MIND that we agreed no adult kids boomeranging back into the homestead.  If she needed a place to stay for a few weeks/a month or so until her lease or whatever started I would have NO problem with that.  Moving in with NO plan is not an option.  She is stuck with her lease for her current apartment for this semester so I don't need to start really freaking out until May. 

SD15 is the only "normal" kid out of the 3.  She's the only one out of the 3 skids that doesn't have some sort of diagnosed mental issue, so yes, she is the "normal" one.  Now she is starting to have "anxiety" and FDH is feeding into it!!!  NO NO NO.  She is a normal, messed up teenager, that's IT.  Please let's not feed into the neediness and attention-seeking behavior!

SS14 is diagnosed autistic, "high" functioning, if you can call it that.  Picture a 14 year old boy with an 5 year old's mentality and maturity.  If he's not being a little a$$hole, he's being completely annoying.  I have HAD IT with him.  I treat him now like a chore I have to do.  I do the basics for him, but that's it.  I told FDH the same.  There is nothing nice, kind, or interesting about this kid in any way.  FDH admitted that, at least.  It's a constant dark cloud on the household.  I have to move my chair so that I am not within eyesight of SS during meals, otherwise his disgusting table manners would ruin my appetite.  It's not that FDH is lacking in the parenting department.  He has and does correct and discipline, but it does ZERO good.  The kid just does not care.  He does not get embarrassed by his behavior in public or in school.  He feels no remorse, except to yell that we aren't FAIR when he receives consequences for his poor behavior.  He has a detailed IEP at school, but they are getting sick of him, too.  He is physically inappropriate with students and teachers...mostly excessive hugging.  He hugged and kissed (on the cheek) a girl at school a few weeks ago and they suspended him for a day.  The day before Christmas Break no less.  On the grounds of sexual harassment.  Then they decided to tack on a previously "undocumented" incident from a week before the hug/kiss incident where they said he "dry humped" a teacher.  I am a total harda$$ when it comes to this kid and even I do not believe this.  He hugged a teacher.  FDH and I did ask him about both incidents.  He 'fessed up freely to both.  He did hug and kiss the girl and wouldn't let go when she said to.  He said he hugged the teacher, but let go when she told him to.  We asked if he was "rubbing" against the teacher and he looked very confused and asked "like a massage????"  We inquired further and both agreed that we didn't believe the dry humping part.  Also, his special ed teacher was specifically NOT included in any of this disciplinary action when she has been first and foremost involved with all of his previous incidents and progress reports, so we think it's the school administration just being....well, administration.  Protecting the school, not the student.

So with all of this, FDH and I have been distant to and with each other.  We had a good talk tonight, I explained that I just could not, would not, interact with SS anymore until he decides to be a positive addition to the household.  I would be one of the first in line to encourage and cheer him on if he would JUST put some effort into controlling his behavior.  I do believe that he has something wrong with the part of his brain that handles impulse control, but I do not believe that it is all-encompassing.  He is also choosing his poor behaviors.  He KNOWS right from wrong, he tries to be sneaky and underhanded (but I'm a hawk), which tells me that part of his behavior is CHOICE.  It is much harder for him to control his impluses, but he just doesn't even try.  I told FDH tonight that it doesn't even matter that he's autistic and his brain is messed a$$hole is still an a$$hole even if he can't help it to a certain extent.  FDH loses his $hit with SS quite often so he readily admits that SS is a pain in the a$$ too.  But he's DAD and he loves him.  I do not have that connection.  I think FDH understands and hopefully tonite we can get down to some intimate business (sorry TMI) that has been at ZERO these past couple of weeks.

So, yep.  I suck at this SM business.  I am counting down until SS is out of high school and out of the house and our "real lives" can begin.  He qualifies for disability and there will hopefully be a halfway house or group home locally where he can live.  Otherwise FDH will have to fork over some cash for a small apartment and a caretaker.  FDH makes good money and he doesn't want SS living with us indefinitely either.  Bleh.  It's been almost a year to the day that we moved in together and for the most part, it has SUCKED.  Hoping for a better 2019


Cooooookies's picture

Yeah I feel you my fellow sister of raising a skid that poops themselves.  I have no idea where any of the "experts" get the term 'high functioning' autism.  It's like raising a five year old in a teenager's body.  All. The. Time.  SS is now 16 and he needs just as much supervision now as the day he came for a visit over 6 years ago.  High functioning my arse.

And they are NOT a joy and they ARE weird.  Very very weird.  And awkward.  And well yeah it sucks.  I feel you.  If we lived closer to each other, I'd definitely hang out with you so we could enjoy the misery lol

DarkStar's picture

To Cooooookies, my sister in s#it, the proverbial parent of poop!!!!!!  We have not had a poop incident in quite a while, aside from dirty bathrooms and the occasional clogged toilet (which DAD deals with).  However, a couple of months ago I was gathering dirty laundry from SS's room.  I usually hold my breath and breathe shallowly when I'm near the Bog of Eternal Stench, so I didn't notice until FDH says "What stinks like pi$$???"  Yep, in the bundle of clothes was jeans and underwear soaked with pi$$ Cooooookies well knows......heaven forbid you stop PLAYING to attend to your body's bathroom needs!  I'm STILL mad as hell over that one.

tog redux's picture

Wait - he's ready to move SD20 back in and you think he will be ready to move his autistic son out at 18?  What people say and what they do when the situation arises are two very different things, as you've found out! I'd count on SS18 being home and dependent for quite some time, as with SD20.

Now that you do know what you are getting into, do you plan to stay? I'm not sure I would. 3 skids is a lot of skids. And consequences for behavior that don't work are the wrong consequences. FDH has to find SS's currency and use it.

justmakingthebest's picture

My SS18 is semi-high functioning. He managed to graduate (read: the school was done with him) but he is a 12 yr old in an 18 yr old's body- though... he is pretty scrawny. He will probably never be more than a 12 year old in his mind. 

It gets really hard some days to still have to basically force an 18 yr old into the bathroom to shower. Or to brush his teeth or threaten to cut off his phone or internet if he doesn't pick up his dirty clothes.

On the flip side, SS18 is sweet and has a good heart. He is always grateful for everything I do for him and tells me every night that I am the best cook in the world. He tries to do things to make me happy- like take out the trash every once in a while without me fussing. Then he will come back in the house and say "Look Just, I did it, I took out the trash and you didn't even ask. Aren't you happy?!?!" LOL yep, I am happy kid, thank you! 

DarkStar's picture

God forgive me....I told FDH a long time ago that everyone would have been better off if SS had Down's Syndrome....hell, he'd probably be voted Homecoming King!

thiscantbenormal's picture

SS here is nearly 14 and is the same. Add psychosis, all the cluster b personality disorders with a mega dose of narcissism, lies, and manipulation.  I don't know about him hugging other kids and adults but he has assaulted children half his age.  Was caught strangling a little girl to "find her weakness", hit a little boy in the head with a rock and punched him in the face on another occasion.  Has repeatedly tried to get his younger sisters to fondle him.  BM gets his disability check and has already tried to ask for lifetime child support.  She was court ordered to put him in ABA therapy but refuses to b/c it would mean she will have to spend that disability check directly on his care instead of living off of it b/c she refuses to work more than 1-2 days a week.

One of the twin 10 yr old SD's was rebelling against BM and she tried to get her diagnosed autistic.  Most she got was adhd and SPD which is fabricated from made up symptoms/behaviors.  The child is not SPD but BM needs a diagnosis she can use to excuse her poor parenting.

The other twin was supposed to be normal but she gave in to BM's obsessession that all 4 of her precious children have crippling mental illnesses/disorders. "Normal" twin just did a stent in psych facility b/c she threaten to kill herself b/c DH grounded from her phone for two hours.

We haven't seen the kids for 3 months now and its like a breathe of fresh air from not living in a psych ward every weekend.  BM filed an ECO and some naive CPS worker believed the kids coached lies.  We are done.  Dropping the rope and moving on.  BM has tried false sexual abuse allegation before and we are not waiting around for her to try it again now that we see what lengths the kids will go to please their psycho mother.

I'm done with waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm done with my first marriage feeling like we are navigating the mine field of his first marriage. 

tog redux's picture

The thing is, once you drop the rope, the pain and drama doesn't necessarily stop, at least for DH.  It's always still hanging over your heads in one way or another. BM will certainly go back to court for more support if he stops seeing the kids. The kids will periodically text him and be hostile, or begging for help, or whatever their  MO is.  He will feel guilty and sad and disappointed.  If he's a very strong person, he can pick up the pieces and find happiness in his life, but there is always a void, and always the sense that someone else has power over important things in your life.

So letting go is important - but it doesn't make it all go away.  Been there, still there.

thiscantbenormal's picture

That will be his burden to bare. I've burned myself trying help with his load and I can't handle the dysfunction anymore.  Should the kids want to see him again it will have to be outside this house and him wearing a go pro camera.  

Communication from them should be rare.  BM needs them to be giving her all their atrention.

tog redux's picture

It's hard for me to see DH struggling with this stuff, though I have largely handed the burden to him as well. My SS19 was alienated for over 3 years, and now he speaks to DH periodically, but most of their contact is not in our home.  When he is here, I'm civil to him - he's always been respectful to me.

You might be surprised that BM likes the engagement with DH and doesn't just disappear with the kids, but keeps using them against him in one way or another. BM in our situation wants control, but she doesn't really want DH totally out of her life - she wants a reaction and a form of "negative intimacy".

Physics guy's picture

I understand.  SS19 has some social anxiety issues and anger issues.  He also lacks motivation to engage in anything physical and therefore he lacks stamina and physical strength.  

Do you think that you can really get SS out of the house after he graduates?  That, I think, is all or dream but it's hard to put in action.

Hang in there.

Harry's picture

SD can not move back into the home.  Once she is in, you will get her out.  Two, SS 14,  something will have to be done with him ASAP. The,school is getting ready to throw him out. They are setting thing in motion, eith special school or resident school.  This kid will never live on his own, or will ever have a job, ect.  

You have to get some plan in place before you go further with SO,  make shure you are not going to be a babysitter for the rest of your life.  That BM doesn’t dump the kids on you once you are married.  Hate to say this, there just to much bad baggage for you here 

DarkStar's picture

FDH has full physical custody of skids.  BM dumped them on him almost 7 years ago.  She sees them maybe one or two weekends a month and a few weeks in summer/holidays, etc.  I want to dump him on HER when he's done with high school.

SD is not moving back in.  FDH knows I will raise holy hell and probably move out.  I'm trying to prevent an end runaround our agreement with vague plans of only staying "a few weeks" until she figures her life out.  Nope.

FDH is on top of this stuff with SS.  He's filing for Title19 and getting a medical waiver for disability now and for when he turns 18.  He doesn't want SS living with us as an adult anymore than I do.  As much as mental health care and programs are being cut, my biggest worry is that there aren't any living arrangements or services left for SS as an adult.

And, really......I can determine how much baggage I can handle.  I am VENTING.

thinkthrice's picture

SD20 does nothing but sit at home on her phone.  No work, no school.  Nothing.  The Gir made sure the youngest two had IEPs so that it would smokescreen for her complete abdication of parenting.  YSS16 is probably going to be the next school shooter.   6' 2" 250 lbs of pure doofus.   KId is probably 7 years old mentally tops; has his driver's permit though which the thought of scares the crap out of me.

OSS22 is a pot head with a few hours a week of work on a relative's food truck while sponging off his GF's Mom and his GF who has a real job

Letti.R's picture

OMG, I hate "you knew what you were getting to"!

This is why so many people get divorced.
They knew they were getting married and it would end it divorce because they knew right at the start what they were getting into.
This is why so many businesses go bankrupt.
People put heart and soul into a business, work long hours because they knew in the beginning it would fail.
People had sex, knew they would have a baby that would grow up to be a serial killer...because they knew what they were getting in to.
Yes, everyone knew what they were getting into.
Same as people who enter step parenting relationships are psychic, who fell in love with someone, because they knew they would have heartache and anger from dysfunctional skids, bad parenting, psycho BMs, etc., etc., etc.
Yes, all these people definitely knew what they were getting into and could predict the future.

DarkStar's picture

SS lost his calculator recently.  Today in school he tried to take calculators from 2 different teachers AND 1 student claiming it was his.  Then he brushed aside (not pushed, but made physical contact) a teacher when she was standing in the doorway because she asked for the calculator back and he refused and brushed/pushed past her in the doorway.

I think that makes 7 or 8 incident reports so far for the school year.  Bravo SS.