SD10 spending one day at home update
In my previous post I mentioned SO is having SD10 stay home one day a week by herself. So, yesterday was her day and SO had given her a list of things to do. They were mostly easy things and some obvious ones. You know... Take a shower, get dressed, brushed teeth/hair, pick up room, etc. She also had to go through a collection of crafts and decide what ones to keep. She has a camping trip with some friends today that SO asked her to get things out for. He gave her another list to follow for packing.
I'd say it was off to a better start than last week when SO let her run free for the day. He was more clear about what he wanted from her this time. I had a feeling SD would half ass the tasks SO asked her to do, though. I know her pretty well and she's a typical 10 year old on summer vacation. She doesn't WANT to do a lot right now. Sure enough, when I got home and surveyed the damage to our living room and kitchen I knew she didn't do a damn thing. Oy.
Our kitchen table had colored pencils, paper, and coloring books spread all over it. Her lunch box was on the floor in the living room. She was dressed, but not showered (which SO had discussed with her last night, and again in the morning). When I got home she was on the floor going through her crafts and I could tell she had JUST started. I was surprised at how level I was for coming home to a complete mess and a kid who had not done anything they were asked to do that day. I'm honestly very proud of myself. Usually I'm a bit of a hot head and need to take a second before I say anything. Not yesterday I was cool as a freaking cucumber, bro.
I asked how SD's day was. She gave me a run down of her day and she asked about mine. Normal stuff. Then I asked how packing for her trip was going. She said she went through the list SO gave her, but didn't get anything out. "I crossed off the stuff we have because I know where it is," she told me. I told her that SO wanted her to get the stuff out so they could pack it. SD was insisting SO didn't tell her to get the stuff out... I just told her she could ask her dad when he got home.
After dinner SO told SD (privately, in her room... he told about it after) he was pretty disappointed in her. He said he made it clear what he wanted her to do while she was home and she had half assed everything, or not done it at all. He told her he wasn't asking for a lot, just two things outside of a daily routine, and if she can't do the things he asks her to do he'll start sending her to day care every day. He also said if she does it again she'll lose her phone for a night.
My SO lets SD get away with A LOT. So I don't see him be this kind of dad very often, but last night I was really proud of him. I told him what he set in place was a fair punishment and now SD really knows his expectations. Honestly, SO telling her he was disappointed was enough of a punishment for one day. She was pretty upset with herself for letting him down. I still don't love the idea of her staying home by herself because of the mess I came home to, but I'm hopeful with time and support from us she'll be getting better at it. I mean, we were all a kid staying home alone once right? How did we learn how to take care of ourselves? For me, I was home with siblings (there's 6 of us and I'm the oldest) and I was for sure taking care of them too. It's a transitional time in SD's life where she's going through puberty and also learning how to be a functional human in the world. I try to remember that and manage my expectations for her. Fingers crossed next week will be better.
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Comments
You and DH did well
I agree that time will tell but you guys handled that very well yesterday. Congratulations!
I used to do this with my
I used to do this with my bios when I left them at home. A long list of "chores" to do, mainly so they wouldn't fight. Lol. I think this was a typical first time experience and they both learned something. DH will have to communicate better and SD will learn better time management. He gave her a choice, do or you to daycare. All around a great start. These skills will serve her well when she moves out on to her own , whether that be away at college or get first apartment. Self sufficiency is the goal. Yay for you!!
A 10 year old is not old
A 10 year old is not old enough to be at home alone.. you better hope there is never an emergency.. or you and your DH are liable to be charged with child endangerment. She is so clearly not mature enough for the responsibility.. i'm not sure why you expect better results are even a reality.
Good Point
I think you made a good point about the legality of SD staying home alone at 10. The law varies. Where I live there is no specific age, but it is determined by a cognitive standard. (A child could be 16yo, but if they lack maturity or the mental capacity to be alone, a parent can be charged with child endangerment.)
OP, if she hasn't already, should research her local law to make sure her and DH CYA (cover your a$&).
My exact thoughts. Seems so
My exact thoughts. Seems so young. What grade is 10? OP, what are the laws in your state?
I was an only child and I had a babysitter until I was 12 and I was a good kid and really mature and independent. It was hard to be alone by yourself for the first times.
Legal Stuff
Since there are so many comments on here about the legality of SD staying home I'll address this here:
In our state there is no law about how old a child has to be to stay home. I just checked. There are only 2 states with laws regarding age and staying home. The CPS "recommendation" in our state is actually 10 years old. She has a cell phone and both BM and SO know when she is home alone. She has several family members that live close by. All are aware of SD staying home alone. SO and I only work 10 minutes away from home and we have jobs where we can leave to check on her if we need to. We live in a safe neighborhood, in a small town, and our neighbors do know she stays home occasionally. She only stays home one day a week.
I know it sounds absolutely bonkers to have a 10 year old stay home alone. I know by posting about this I open SO and I up to criticism about it and that's cool, but I'd just like everyone to remember that every kid is different. Some kids mature faster than others and while my SD definitely has a long way to go, we asked her if she felt like she wanted to try staying home alone while we were at work and she agreed to it, too. She had been staying home for short periods of time before this and said she was ready to do a whole day. We've trusted her and so far it has been about as I expected. I expected her to eat a bunch of snacks. I expected her to do nothing sometimes. I expected her to be a kid. It is hard to be by yourself the first few times and I think SO and I have been pretty understanding of this for her.
Good thing we don't live in
Good thing we don't live in the 1800's and she'd have do all the chore Laura and Mary Ingalls had to do. They got left alone too. The horror ! Sounds like you have all it figured out and a village to support this parenting choice. Kids can rise to the expectations when given clear rules and parameters. Sure they will stumble but that's where the life lessons happen. Funny how nobody says a thing about these kids cooking shows and they are working with sharp knives and hot stoves and ovens.
Isn't it amazing when your DH
Isn't it amazing when your DH who is usually lax with skids actually sets consequences?? I think your DH did great also.
Regarding the age thing. Eh. I was constantly home alone at age 10, and that was before cellohones. We left SS home alone occasionally at that age also- it is legal in our state (maturity is applicable). Crazy even called the cops on us once- they came, we got home as they were there, they rolled their eyes that crazy called and said it's not illegal and SS is mature, gave us their card and went on their way.
Even now that SS is 16 he often doesn't do what's expected when he's home alone and waits til we are home to be told. So he's mature, but still a lazy kid like most.
Your SD better step up her game or it's daycare city for her!
i think there is a difference
i think there is a difference depending on maturity of the child. and one that will stay in bed and not get dressed or properly feed herself would not pass muster. There is also a difference between a kid who is home for an hour or so after school.. and when you did not have cell phones.. you most likely had a land line.. and so did every home in the neighborhood.. it's not like you had no contact with the world.. and your experience as a child probably made you more capable than this child appears to be.
IMHO they are taking a lot of risks that this very immature and irresponsible 10 yo is left ALL day while they work.. they are one burnt toast or sliced open hand from being charged with neglect.. if her neighbors see her unattended.. they are likely to call someone because while some kids can be left because they are mature.. most people will have a gut reaction like many here do that a 10 yo isn't safe when they are home alone...
Again, this child cannot follow simple instructions that have been set for her.. to her own devices doesn't care for herself properly.. so this kid is not like you were at 10.. and I doubt your parents left you home alone all day every day of the week.
And.. I sympathize that they both have jobs and have to work.. but they need to get her into some sort of Vacation Bible School... or YMCA or girls/boys club summer camp activity ( those are all usually pretty reasonably priced).. or find someone who is willing to watch her.
My Skid failed miserably at multi step instructions.
He would do part of several of the tasks given but not complete any of them. He played the same cards your SD is playing. "You didn't tell me to pack the camping stuff. You told me to find it."
Ugh.
So.... I adopted the one item assignment model and the "Do it now and show me when you are done" confirmation. This resulted from the list of items to get done, that were never completed, then when asked if he got it all done.... "Uh, Yes. Got it done." "Show me" was a game changer because he knew he had no choice but to show what he had done, complete or not.
A funny story we still revisit upon occassion 15 years later is "Son, did you vacuum the living room as you were asked?". He and I had removed the North Woods sized Christmas tree from our living room the evening before. His mom is a huge natural Christmas tree lady. Her dad grew Christmas trees on part of their pig farm when she was growing up.
SS was told to vacuum the living room to get the pine needles, millions of them, off the floor. This was a huge tree. When I pulled into the driveway I saw a flurry of activity through the windows to the living room. When I walked in he was putting away the vacuum cleaner.
When asked, he answered "I vacuumed the living room." The result of this "Show me" incident had me laughing so hard I was almost in tears. Right down the middle of the pine needle covered living room was a one vacuum cleaner wide strip of needle free carpet. The whole length of the living room.
As much as I wanted to be furious, I could not keep from LOl-ing. As I was laugning, he dropped a "What are you laughing about dad. I did vacuum the living room. I did not lie." That made me laugh harder. He is such a smart ass. "Yes son. You did vacuum the living room just like you said you did. Now, get the rest of it done before your mother gets home and skins both of us alive."
"Okay dad."
Love that kid. He will be 30 in three weeks.